Why Tim Tebow is like Dennis Rodman, and other thoughts

I’m rooting for Tim Tebow to lose for only one reason.  It’s because I’m a born Kansas City Chiefs fan, and I need the Broncos to fail for Kansas City to succeed. And that’s the only reason I’m not rooting for the namesake of the Tebow-ritto.

I apologize for writing about an over-hashed topic, but if you’re a blogger, I don’t know how you can avoid it. Tebow is to the internet what the burqa is to women: frustratingly everywhere. I’m going to write about Tebow until it’s out of my system. This weekend of no football seems like as good a time as any to get it out there. Here’s a few thoughts:

What person can’t respect a little brilliant self-promotion?
I always think the best athlete to compare Tim Tebow to is…

…Dennis Rodman.

Just read me out. Remember when Dennis Rodman got weird and got paid, and analysts said things like, “You have to respect what Dennis Rodman has done with his skill set. He’s made it profitable to be a defensive player.” Attention pays in America. And while sports serves as the foundation of the public’s interest in both Rodman and Tebow, their personalities are what make them different (marketing 101: it’s more important to be different than better). I understand that it wasn’t his intent, but Tebow has financial leverage in several demographics by playing the nice side of Rodman’s “I’m different than everyone else” coin. Take a closer look at Tebow. Check out his book sales. He’s a sought after GOP endorsement. He has deals with Nike and EA Sports and could do a lot more.  At the very very very least, it should be no knock that he’s popular for being a devout Christian any more than Rodman was popular for being really freaking weird.

This is why I’m going to start calling him Tim “The White Worm” Tebow. Also, if he writes a new memoir in 15 years, I’d suggest the title Good as I Wanna Be.

ps. “The White Worm” may seem like a weird nickname for a virgin, Christian quarterback in Denver, but I’m gonna hang with it.

People’s opinions on Tebow tells you more about them than Tebow.
I automatically know that a person who dislikes Tebow is a little on the morally bankrupt side of life.  It’s like when the gang of How I Met Your Mother had this exchange with Barney Stinson:

Marshall Eriksen: You’re telling me that when you watch “The Karate Kid”, you don’t root for Daniel-san?
Ted Mosby: Who do you root for in “Die Hard”?
Barney Stinson: Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. In the end, he dies hard. He’s the title character.
Lily Aldrin: What about “The Breakfast Club”?
Barney Stinson: The teacher running detention. He’s the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit.
Ted Mosby: What about Raiders vs. Broncos?
Barney Stinson: Carson Palmer and the Raiders. Duh! After all the torment he went through in Cincinatti!? And who could ever root for that phony, Tim Tebow? Nobody’s buying this nice guy act!
Robin Scherbatsky: I’ve got one. “The Terminator”.
Barney Stinson: What’s the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us did not shed a tear when his little red eye went out in the end, and he didn’t get to kill all those people?

Okay, I slipped one in there, but didn’t it feel like it fit? Tim Tebow is obviously a “good guy” in the football universe, and to hate him makes about as much sense as being sad when the Death Star blew up.  You don’t have to like Star Wars, but don’t root against Luke! Whenever someone is saying something totally asinine, I look them straight in the eye like Clint Eastwood and say, “I’ll bet you’re the kind of person that hates Tim Tebow. Please be quiet.” I don’t say “shut the f*** up” or “shut the h*** up” because saying “please be quiet” is the Tebow way, where manners have a place in socially dominating your peers.

Women want to be with him.
They do. Check it out. This feels like it matters, even if he wisely doesn’t cash in (for the people that think he should, I’d like us all to remember that he’s not Antonio Cromartie). Let’s just be honest; it’s primal semantics. The alphas get the girls.

He’s good at what he does.
This seems to be where most of the love/hate discussion takes place, even if it’s not really about this. Let’s keep it simple. He’s a playoff-winning, starting quarterback in the NFL.  Does that mean anything? History suggest it does. In any given decade, there are less than 50 men who can say that (even fewer at age 24).  Will he ever be a hall of famer? I doubt it. But couldn’t a lot of anti-Tebow people get behind “survival of the fittest” logic? Think about the competitive landscape. He survived longer than thousands of high school quarterbacks. He survived longer than hundreds of college quarterbacks. He survived longer than dozens of NFL quarterbacks. I’m betting that any NFL quarterback would tell you how hard it is to survive under the shield.

Is Tebow great? No, but he’s good. Year after year? We can only wait and see. I personally am in the camp that doesn’t see him holding up. But for now, he’s factually successful. He’s good.

I’m done writing about this.
In summation: Good at his job (which is football and manly). Makes money. Women like him. Seems nice enough. My verdict? Smacks of insecurity if you steadfastly dislike Tim Tebow.

Also, he’s a Christian, so that makes him the best football player of all time.

Taking it if Tebow won’t,
Dusty “The White Worm” Riedesel


[Editor’s note: The snippet below is about one particular phrase of whining that comes along when anyone’s getting too much media coverage. Most notably: the Favre fiasco, Tebow-mania, “The Decision”, etc. We here at Writing Bareback realize that whining about hypocritical whiners makes us hypocritcal, so while I’m not noble enough to omit the following rant completely, I did bump it out of the main article. Still, this needed to be said.]

You don’t have to watch (rant warning).
I understand wishing that something else was on the radio/TV, but why do people say “I’m just sick of hearing about him” as a reason to dislike someone?  What’s the real reason? Sick of people saying he’s the next Elway? Sick of Tebow getting the headline instead of Denver’s D? You know what? That stuff isn’t Tebow. It comes from poorly-spoken fans and analysts who can’t properly assert an accurate opinion. And if you can’t differentiate the subject from its heralds, then you’re the same as they are, which makes you a hypocrite. In short, “I’m sick of hearing about him”  can’t be anti-Tebow because it has zero to do with Tebow. Change the channel and stop whining.


3 responses to “Why Tim Tebow is like Dennis Rodman, and other thoughts

  1. Really and truly excellent article. You could follow up that insult with – “Next you’re going to tell me you don’t like How I Met Your Mother? You clearly have no sense of humour.”

  2. I don’t believe you should root for Tebow. Do you root for for the ground under your feet to remain solid? Do you root for the sun to come up in the morning? Do you Root for grass to be green?

    No, you know that these things are what they are, and you have faith that each will remain the same. Tebow might not be a “Hall of Fame” football player. But I have faith that he is and he is going to be a great person. Isn’t that where people have the biggest problem, they think he is a big fake?

  3. Pingback: Super Bowl Week: Lana Del Rey Should Hook Up with Rob Gronkowski and Other Things to Talk About During the Game | Writing Bareback

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s