Your Favorite Ninja Turtle Says A lot About Who You Are As A Person.

COWABUNGA! If you’ve never said that as an adult, you should give it a try. It’s magical. Next time your buddy orders a round of shots, and its your turn to toast just start and finish with a simple “COWABUNGA!” Those who understand will follow up with a shout of their own, those who don’t…well let’s just say it’ll be an awkward moment next time you’re all out and he wasn’t invited.

Let’s flashback to 1989-1995, you and your 3 other friends decide to play a game of Ninja Turtles. For anyone younger than 18 right now that may stumble across this blog, before the age of the internet we actually used to use our imagination and do stuff like play outside. Anyway, before starting the game everyone had to decide (and agree upon) who was going to be which turtle. It is at this point in life when the person you were going to become was going to be molded and due to natural selection there is nothing you could do about it. Each turtle had a shining trait, and character flaw that made us both love and hate each of them at any given time. As you read through each character think hard about your youth, and what kind of person you are today.

We’ll start with Leonardo. The clear leader in the group. Leo rocked the duel swords – a weapon that metaphorically says “mines bigger than yours, and you all know it.” He was the most disciplined of group and pushed himself to achieve new levels of greatness everyday. However it was this very trait that also often pushed him to alienate the one’s he was trying to lead. I was always Leo. In recent years my friends have told me that I’m “a loveable ass, who likes doing things if they are my idea.” However,  leader nonetheless. I’m sure if the first TMNT were rated PG13, Raphael would have called Leo an a-hole at some point in the movie.

Which leads me to Raphael. He’s the emotional leader of the group, and arguably the strongest., physically. Raphs’ weapon was the si (i have no idea how to spell that and i’m not using google) and what a kick ass weapon. It’s not as big as the sword, and doesn’t immediately command respect. But, can you imagine catchin one of those to the face? Raph had all the makings of being a star (being Leo), but he was just too emotionally distant. You might recall this scene where he is clearly on the down slide of a steroid cycle.

Speaking of roids…Michelangelo was easily the most athletic of the 4some. He’s that guy you know who can eat copious amounts of junk food (pizza) and still has a 12-pack for abs. He was the party guy, the go-with-the-flow guy, always saw the glass half full (of beer probably). So athletic, in fact, that Splinter screwed him by giving him nun-chucks. Seriously? Nun-Chucks? Its like a string with 2 paper towel cardboard rolls on the end. You lose points for your flaccid, unimpressive weapon. However, Like most athletes you went to high school with, Mike’s athletic ability was too great, and he didn’t work at it. He had no discipline which was his own glass ceiling. If the turtles were still alive (which i still believe under some man-hole cover in NYC i’ll meet them one day) Mike would be the guy who never made it out of his hometown, opened a failing pizza shop called Mike’s pizza and would still be spinning pizzas today.

This leads me to the worst turtle of them all. If you were picked to be Donatello of your group, then your friends didn’t respect you. Don was self-centered, a computer geek and his shwag was all purple. When i google’d “gayest color in the world“…it reported back Lavender – a shade of purple. And your weapon was a stick. Sure, Splinter called is a Bo-Staff. But in the language of Rat, bo-staff means stick. So if you were Donatello, you were not very liked, people thought you were a dork and probably liked other little boys. However, the jokes on everyone else because you probably grew up to be Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg or Charles Manson.

I’d be interested to hear what you have to think about this. Which turtle were you? Ultimately though, I don’t really care that much, because I’m Leo and I’m going to decide what’s best for the group anyway.

Leo is still the standalone reason that blue is my favorite color,

tc

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5 responses to “Your Favorite Ninja Turtle Says A lot About Who You Are As A Person.

  1. Dustin Riedesel

    I had two brothers, and we serve as anecdotal evidence to your theory, Tommy. Every time we played Ninja Turtles, my older brother (and hero) was always Leo. I was always Raphael. and my little brother (if I recall) was always Michaelangelo. We pretty much fit your analysis…and none of us are wealthy software tycoons (or mass murderers). I’d ask this as an interview questions to everyone I ever hired. And if a girl was ever anyone but April O’Neil, I’d just get kind of quiet and awkward.

  2. Dustin Riedesel

    PS: If the turtles were NBA players, they’d be as follows:
    Leo – Kobe Bryant
    Raphael – Lebron James
    Mikey – Dwight Howard
    Donatello – Brian Scallabrine

  3. Mikey = the reason I like Orange.

  4. I hate to say it i’m a Donatello Guy. Close second is mike and ralph. Never liked leo

  5. You’re pretty wrong about Don. that’s just your representation of him. The reality is he was the smartest of the group, he fixed everything, and was insanely skilled with the bo-staff meaning he could take on multiple opponents easily. Clearly someone you were jealous of as a child always picked Donatello and that’s why it has bloomed into your insecure hatred to portray a fictitious character.

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