Super Bowl Week: Lana Del Rey Should Hook Up with Rob Gronkowski and Other Things to Talk About During the Game

It’s Super Bowl week. For that reason, I’ll be writing about the Super Bowl everyday this week. I think it deserves it. I mean, it is America’s 4th biggest holiday…
Monday – Top Ten Super Bowl Foods

Tuesday – Commercial Appeal
Tuesday – Ten Reasons Tom Brady > Eli Manning

One of the best things about the Super Bowl is that it’s the apex of all commercialism, meaning everything about it is designed to prompt conversation between you and fellow party-goers. Still, there are times when the party will feel a bit stale. At those times, here are some phrases to keep in your back-pocket that will initiate some enjoyable conversation.

1. “If I was Lana Del Rey, I’d have a fling with Rob Gronkowski.”
Last year, when I saw that Jessica Szohr appeared to be dating Aaron Rodgers, I thought, “What a brilliant PR move for a B-list actress.” You have to get your name out there somehow. This is always an intriguing topic because it blends, sex, romance, athletes, celebrities, gossip, moral and cultural opinions all into one tasty conversational stew. If you’re Lana Del Rey, could there be a better marketing move at this point? You’re on the cusp of being a household name for all the wrong reasons, so why not steer into the skid by hooking up with an athletic stud who appears to have few relational scruples? How hard could it be to get him to the club, get a few photos taken, and have a little sub-headline on the cover of US Weekly? At the very least, no one will be ignoring you any time soon. Men will talk about you and women will judge you…this nearly guarantees that 16-year-old girls will buy your songs on iTunes and go to your concerts, so guess who else will attend your concerts? High school boys and a weird segment of 19-24 year-old boys we don’t like to to talk about. They’ll grow up with you, Lana, and while your reputation will suffer (it’s probably too late anyway), your career will thank you. Long term, as this year’s halftime act (Madonna) should teach you, the public will allow you to bounce back from odd, sexual proclivities.

Plus, along the way, if you’re lucky enough to find a seemingly good man that eventually cheats on you, you’ll become a heroic figure for every woman who’s ever been wronged (it could happen). For now, let’s focus on step one: seducing Rob Gronkowski (memoir title alert).

2. “I’d rather hook up with Hannah Storm than Erin Andrews.”
You’ll have to get this one out there early during the ESPN pre-game coverage. That way it won’t seem like you thought it up out of the blue like a pervert. Plus, it’ll help set a nice “this guy is ready to make bold and provocative statements all day long” tone that people are more intrigued than annoyed by. Backing up your statement? That’s tougher. I’d probably go with an admission-condition-statement approach. Like this:

“Well, if they were just two random women at a bar, you pick Erin Andrews. In most scenarios you pick Erin Andrews. She’s hotter, and it’s not even close. But think about this: if you have two jugs of milk in the fridge, and one is about to expire, which do you drink? Sure, I’d love to drink the fresher, probably tastier milk too, but it’s just not the sensible decision. There’s still a good 10-15 year window on Erin, so congratulations, Hannah Storm. You’ve got my vote.”

Don’t be surprised if people are sitting around nodding solemnly at your wisdom.

3. “You know who Tebow reminds me of? Dennis Rodman!”
Here’s the thing, guys. Not very many people are reading this blog yet, and I can tell you from personal experience, that the Tebow=Rodman argument hasn’t been picked up by, like, 99.9% of the population. Tim Tebow will come up during the game. This is a 100%, ironclad guarantee. That’s when you step in. And after you make the opening statement above, here’s how the conversation will go:

Simple-Minded “Peer”: What!? You have to explain that one!
You: I know it sounds like something a pale blogger from Morrisville might say, but think about it. Sports serves as the foundation of the public’s interest in both Rodman and Tebow. Both workers. Both winners. Both have an unconventional playing style. But it’s their personalities that really draw people in. Tebow just plays a nice guy instead of a weird guy. But the end result of being different than everyone–attention and endorsements–is the same.
SMP: So are you some kind of sports/marketing guru?
You: No. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night [raucous laughter ensues]

I give you full allowance to plagiarize me. But if someone randomly recognizes the argument and calls you out on stealing, you have to send me $8, the exact amount (after 20% tip) of a Pizza Hut lunch buffet.

4. “Why hasn’t anyone attempted a Man on a Ledge for personal promotion yet?”
Not as “left field” as you’d think. There will be movie previews. After, you say, “That looks pretty good. Hey, has anyone seen that Man on a Ledge movie?” Let the chatter die down, then launch the question from above, and your off and running. Personally, I talk about pulling a “man on a ledge” to get this blog some readership.  Then comes the inevitable follow-ups like: “Is it illegal to stand on a ledge?”, “Do people ever actually stand on a ledge to threaten suicide? I’ve never really seen major coverage on this…”, and in a beautiful segue, “I think Lana Del Rey should be a woman on a ledge until Gronkowski goes out with her…steer into the skid right?”

I really think people are ready to accept the phrase “I’d go ‘man on a ledge’ to…”. It’s the final act of a desperate man. I don’t know why, but this suicide-related idea seems to intrigue/tickle people. But when you hit a question like “How ugly would you have to be to kill yourself?”, you’ll know you’ve gone too far. Change topics to one of my current favorites…

5. What’s the deal with Vanna White and Pat Sajak?
This is a magical topic. Currently, it’s what I fall back on if I can’t’ think of anything else to say or need one more topic to round out a blog post. It has nothing to do with the Super Bowl. But it really doesn’t matter. Asking this question never ends up with someone not wanting to talk about it. Sajak and Vanna have both been there since 1982, making their Wheel run older than I am.

Here are some inevitable topics that people will be curious about.

  • 30 years of repetition, could Pat do this hammered drunk?
  • If he did, would you notice?
  • Just how old do you think Vanna White is?
  • How much plastic surgery do you think Vanna’s had?
  • (2-8 plastic surgery related questions, depending on gender/age mix of crowd)
  • Do you think Pat and Vanna ever had an affair?
  • Are either of them married?

The answers, if you’re curious, are:

  • Old news at this point
  • No…the guy gets drunk like black men age…imperceptibly.
  • 54
  • Apparently plenty of botox, and some debate around facial work (“a facelift with eyes” is one plastic surgeon’s thoughts), but she’s mostly all original parts.
  • An eternal puzzle, but the thinking is “no”
  • Both have been married and divorced, but Sajak’s is remarried

Really no need to dig further…but the more I read Sajak interviews, the more impressed I am with his “devil may care” attitude. In fact, I’m gonna let him wrap up this post:

Betting you a conversation that you won’t talk to me,
Dusty “I’ll wait” Riedesel

One response to “Super Bowl Week: Lana Del Rey Should Hook Up with Rob Gronkowski and Other Things to Talk About During the Game

  1. Pingback: Super Bowl Week: 5 Reasons to Root for Eli over Brady | Writing Bareback

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