I watched Moneyball last night and it really got me in a mood. How can you not be romantic about baseball? So I finally decided to use this post that I was going to save until the actual season. Whatever, it’s coming out.
I’ve been a Royals fan my entire life because I’m from Kansas City and I believe that loyalty in the face of hopelessness is admirable. This
is will be my first only attempt to win new souls for the fanbase. I’m looking for a fairly specific niche: the thousands of fans that are simply bored by baseball (girls, foreigners, people under 50, anyone without an adderall prescription or weed habit…I’m looking at you). So if you don’t like the game, you should be a Royals fan. Here’s the pitch:
Even hardcore baseball fans don’t want to talk about baseball with a Royals fan. There are only two kinds of Royals fans.
- The first kind only wants to whine about the league’s financial imbalance and how unfair it is to be a small market team (what they should be doing is discovering a revolutionary approach to scouting that will give them an edge for about 2 seasons before the rest of the league picks it up and gives them all the same problems they already had).
- The second kind of Royals fan is like me, disgustingly optimistic because they clearly don’t know anything about baseball.
I mean, do you want to talk to either one of those guys? No way! Real baseball fans figured that out about 3 years after George Brett retired, so if you’re not a baseball fan, it’s the perfect cover. But then there’s the kicker: if some KC-based archeologist finds the Ark of the Covenant and trades it for half of the Phillies’ pitching staff, the Royals might just sneak into the playoffs for the first time in 25 years, and nobody will blame you for partying like it’s 1985 and missing work the next day.
If you’re a non-baseball fan, you can’t lose here. Just print off the picture at the top of this post and put it in your cube/office. Your work is done.