Monthly Archives: February 2012

Dr. Tom’s Music Remedy – The Cinema

The weather’s been pretty nice, so I figured no one would be starving for a musical remedy. Then I realized, kinda like Adderall and ADD, I can prescribe new music to anyone and it will just seem normal. (Disclaimer: I had to look up the correct spelling of Adderall and think its beautiful that ADD are the first 3 letters).

Anyway, this warmer weather has me in a good mood (I also stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night), so I want to share a band called The Cinema. They pair fun electronic beats with lyrics that I promise will be stuck in your head all day (in a good way, not a Rick Roll’d kinda way). As far as I know they aren’t on tour or planning a tour anytime soon, but the album is totally worth picking up. It’s been on repeat for me for the last week. Its the kinda album you and your girl can roll the windows down and cruise to, but fits in perfectly at any party you might be throwing or attending. I’ve said too much, and I’m getting emotional – here’s the song.

PS – If you have a song you want me to share with the world tweet me @tcook6strings Enjoy!

10 Blog Posts You Won’t See on Writing Bareback

Here’s 10 topics that won’t be getting my personal attention on Writing Bareback.

1. Are the best days of cinematic bowling behind us? – I’m still holding out hope for this Wahlberg/Ferrell re-team with the working title “Turkey Bowl”, but it sadly seems to have lost steam.

2. Why morality should still be rewarded in Virgins – The cultural exchange rate on the value of virgins is too tough to work out.

3. Pinky and The Brain: A hidden love storymessage boards like this–that try to warp the innocnence of my childhood–make me sick!

4. Commercial Appeal: Sara McLachlan for the SPCA I was barely able to keep it together long enough to write this sentence.

5.The Male Playbook: “The Golden Retriever” – I’ll let your imagination write this post.

6. Who Does America Love More, Mexicans or Americans? – I really think it’s Mexicans. There’s a love/lust argument and a wife/mistress argument here, but both of them are hard for me to think about. I’d rather pretend the affair isn’t happeneing.

7. The Dusty Television: Street Sharks – Mutant sharks with legs and a good steroid supplier fight crime. I probably should write about this….this or Biker Mice from Mars.

8. The KC Royals vs the Pittsburgh Pirates: Running Diary – One caveat here. If I join a Chinese opium den that picks this game up on MLB Extra Innings, I will do a running diary of this game.

9. O-H, Oh No: William Taft and other sucky Ohio-ans – Ohio is to states what Jersey Shore is to TV. You don’t really like it, but you’re glad it’s around to make fun of.

10. Jeremy Lin – It’s too big. He’s too big. I might crank out an article about the couches he used to sleep on, but that’s about the most I can chew.

Sometimes a man has to to be honest with himself about what’s really important, and I’ve chosen to only blog at the highest level. You’re welcome.


KU vs K-State: Running Diary

Most people would expect something superfluously chauvinistic from me on Valentine’s Day. Instead, I decided to do something for me. A joyous diary of one of my favorite games of the season, the KU at K-State game (I’m intentionally replacing “vs” with “at” because if you forget about that Beasley aberration a few years back, the game in Lawrence is more of a demonstration than a competition). The time is currently 9:00 pm EST on the Riedesel in-house clock. I’ve got an ice cold can of Coca-Cola Classic and a butt-load of enthusiasm. If you’re new to me, I’m a Jayhawks fan that has a mildly contemptuous respect for Frank Martin’s K-State program. Let’s go to the screen:

9:01 – Syracuse is wrapping up their win over Louisville. My buddy Harrison (who is currently beating me 6-1 in fantasy basketball—a short-lived fluke) predicted a Louisville win. Incidentally, he also went to The BarberShop in Cary without me today. Point is, he’s just making all sorts of wrong calls. I ain’t mad at ya, Z!

9:07 – They show K-State dancing in the corridor before the game. They look like they’re having a rhythm-filled blast! For the 2,347th time in my life, I feel a smidge of confused regret about my whiteness.

9:10 – Oooh! We’ve got Bobby Knight tonight. The General has been crushing on two things lately, orange juice and Jeff Withey. I support his opinions on both topics. With no sarcasm whatsoever: I’d vote for Bobby Knight for President.

9:12 – Will Spradling misses K-State’s first shot. I’m putting the over/under on the number of times that Bobby Knight praises Will Spradling  at a gaudy 9. The General loves his white guards.

9:15 – Alley-Oop to Robinson! The first play all night that didn’t make you long for the fundamentals of the WNBA (those girls know how to strike a triple-threat position). This has been really ugly in the first three minutes. KU’s up 3-2.

9:18 – The guy who doesn’t have 902 wins on his record tells us that Jamar Samuels three to tie the game at 6-6 was just his 9th this season. Sometimes an announcer says things that feel way more ominous than they should…

9:20 – Withey gets that “have to call it when 7 feet of gangly white limbs are unraveling” foul call. And we get our first TV timeout without Coach Knight mentioning a thing about Will Spradling. I respect your discipline, Coach.

9:23 – Shocking news from Holly Rowe about Thomas Robinson not even playing in this same matchup last year (see what kind of work you have to do when you can’t fall back on your looks, Andrews?). Would last season have ended differently for the Jayhawks if Self had been willing to play bigger, giving Robinson some more run instead of relying on that three-guard lineup that featured Reed and Morningstar so much? Couldn’t we have overwhelmed Northern Iowa with that lineup? Sigh….I’m not going to think about it.

9:29 – Bobby Knight reminisces about great passing on his old Indiana teams….I think he might be warming up. C’mon Spradling, it’s time to do something anyway! KU is up 16-10 with 10 minutes left.

9:34 – Spradling missed a three. Disappointing, but not too surprising. My friend Michael D, a K-State grad, had this to say about K-State, “They’re like a team full of me’s. They hustle, rebound, play good defense, but there’s not a lot of skills there.” Not high praise from a guy whose distinctive moment of basketball pride was earning the nickname “hustle man”.

9:38 – Breakaway dunk by Travis Releford. There’s seven minutes left, and everyone not named Samuels or Rodney McGruder is scoreless for K-State. I’m starting to root for a sub 20-point first half for the Wildcats. Sometimes your enemy’s pain is more gratifying than your success. Write that down.

9:43 – It’s a nine point lead for KU. 4:53 left in the half. ESPN executives would be groaning at the pace of this game if it wasn’t for the enthralling snippets of ”Knight Vision” keeping viewers from checking out the return of Shawn Michaels to the WWE over on USA. Gosh, that’s mighty tempting….

9:50 – Gibson scores for K-State….more importantly, it sparks our first praise of Will Spradling’s passing ability from Coach Knight. The count is at 1.

9:53 – “Spradling is doing a really great job…” Count is at 2. Far as I can tell, Spradling is scoreless with one rebound and two assists…but I’ll be darned if he’s not the whitest guard out there (apologies to Connor Tehan).

9:56 – 28-18 KU at the half. Bill Self crushes the pre-half interview by using the word “good” 6 times in an 11-word sentence. Boring half overall….Intriguing plotlines for the second half: Will K-State break 45? Can Bobby Knight find reasons to hit the over on Will Spradling praise without Spradling doing his part? Will Frank Martin kill Angel Rodriguez (5 turnovers int he first half) personally or hire a Cuban hitman to do it?

10:00 – Michael D texts in with perfect timing: “Angel needs to be kicked off the team for his horribleness. Haven’t met a Kstater that disagrees.” Even amongst the Hispanic alumni?

10:13 – “Spradling does a better job on offense with the ball in his hands than anybody they have.” The General kicks off the second half in aggressive fashion. Count is at 3.

10:14 – Coach Knight calls calls Spradling “Judicious.”  The count is at 4, and for any eye-rollers, that’s adjective reflects the highest tier of Bobby Knight’s respect-o-meter. And, yes, the Knight-Spradling count has become my favorite part of the game.

10:15 – “And that’s why the ball needs to be in Spradling’s hands.”  Count’s at 5. We’re off to a hot start…too bad SPradling’s missed two consecutive threes and a runner. The General’s going to have to put Spradling on his back to hit 9.

10:18 – Spradling floater!…Knight declines to praise him. If Bobby Knight is anything, it’s unpredictable. If he’s two things, it’s unpredictable and consistently dressed.

10:19 – Meanwhile, Samuels just hit a three, and we’ve got a game! Samuels is playing great, but KU is still up 32-30. I think it’s time I get my focus away from the hypnotic Spradling-Knight relationship and back to the game.

10:23 – Tyshawn Taylor gets hit with an over-and-back, and the camera cuts away to two girls holding a white sign that has “Turnover Tyshawn” written in purple glitter. The “and your gay too” subtext is pretty clever. Well-played K-State girls.

10:25 – It’s a depressing moment when you catch yourself thinking “I might need to look into that” while watching a Rogaine commercial.

10:26 – Withey! (nope, need more) WITHEY!!! The swat to transition dunk to hustle play….I can’t believe that I’m starting to think that KU has some title hopes basef on Jeff Withey.

10:27 – This game has heated up! Jordan Henriquez draws a charge on Robinson and the game is tied up at 34. I silently let God know that I’m sorry for my hubris in the first half.

10:30 – “That’s why they need Spradling in the game,” Knight gushes after the guard hits a baseline jumper…the count is at 6.

10:31 – “I like Spradling in the game. I wouldn’t let him sit too long. He adds a lot to what they’re doing.” Could anybody convince Bobby Knight that he couldn’t win a national title with five white, 6’4” shooting guards? The count is at 7…I think we’re gonna hit it.

10:34 – Michael D thinks it’s “still a little scary that only a few Wildcats have scored.” He sends this as K-State takes a one point lead with 11:43 left. I respond with, “I thought the obvious talent gap would be more disconcerting.” I only use defensive trash-talk when I’m nervous.

10:36 – WOW! Tyshawn Taylor just had roughly seven “is that really legal” moments before hitting a HUGE 3-pointer and give KU a two-point lead….Sidenote: I pray for Tyshawn at least once every time the Jayhawks play. I think it’s starting to pay off.

10:38 – Tyshawn 3!!! It’s definitely paying off.

10:40 – Withey with a tip-in to stretch the lead to 44-37….quick tangent: If you’re a decnt or better high school big man, why would you not go play at KU? They’ve put solid (but not great) big-man prospects into the NBA lottery every year. We’ve seen astounding development from guys like Aldrich, Withey, the Morris twins, Robinson, Darnell Jackson, Sausha Kahn, Darrell Arthur, Julian Wright, etc. You’d have to think that a guy like Andre Drummond or Perry Jones could have flourished under Danny Manning’s tutelage in Self’s high-low system. Yo Perry Jones, isn’t “as good as Danny Manning” the best college praise a 6’10”, do-it-all forward can get?

10:46 – “I just think they need Spradling out there….he gives some things to their offense that are really important.” Knight is going to make us sweat this. The count is at 8 with six minutes left. KU is up 47-37. I think K-State used up its big comeback push. Then Taylor gave a big push that didn’t get called, and this thing might get out of hand for the Wildcats.

10:50 – Taylor drives baseline for a dunk, and McGruder answers with a floater. Looks like the Cats got some fight left in them after all!

10:52 – Maybe too much…Gibson gets T’d up for K-State. I don’t even want to think about what the Frank Martin punishment is for technical fouls. Probably push-ups over a floor of lit cigars ( Sorry for the weak punchline there….I’m a little low on racial stereotypes for Cubans).

10:56 – Knight fakes us out by saying “We’ve talked a lot about Spradling” without actually complimenting him…The General is feeling playful.

10:58 – Final TV timeout. Michael D is pissed about the officiating towards his Cats. I’d like to disagree with him, but I can’t. It’s been rougher than the daytime shift at a strip club.

11:01 – Spradling hits an incredible rainbow over Withey to keep K-State within 7. Less than three minutes left, and Knight doesn’t bite on the Spradling bait.

11:03 – HUGE tip-in to keep KU up by 9. Withey and Robinson are both slow getting up. My season flashes before my eyes. Once I realize they’re ok, I vow to appreciate them more.

11:04 – Samuels 3! (I can do better)…[Gus Johnson voice] Samuels says “we’re not going anywhere” with a courageous triple!!! 

11:05 – Rodriguez draws a charge! Elijah Johnson fouls out! K-State ball! My sphincter spasms!

11:06 – McGruder floater…4-point game. I wonder if I have any gasoline handy…

11:09 – Tyshawn misses a free throw. I know I have matches…

11:09 – Taylor travels. I better feed the cat before melting my skin off…

11:10 – Withey with the block! Thank God! I want to live…

11:11 – Taylor bricks a free throw and Robinson pulls the board. KU is up four….c’mon…Robinson hits the free throws (they’re free, Tyshawn. FREE!). 6-point lead. I breath for the first time in 5 minutes.

11:12 – Michael D texts me with disgust. “K-State had their chances and blew it harder than a $2 whore on half price night.” I nod in approval of the metaphor and the promotional savvy of today’s hookers.

11:15 – Jayhawks slip out with a 6-pt win. Withey’s getting some mad props from Knight. I really wish there was a post-game bloggers conference where bloggers got to question the press about how they operated during the game. My first question would be, “Coach Knight, did you ever think that when you hit 8 compliments of Will Spradling with over six minutes left that there was any way you wouldn’t get past 9?” Wriggle out of that one, Bobby!

Props to me on my line-setting when it comes to complimenting white guards. I’m always available, Vegas. Props to the Jayhawks for taking care of business. Props to the refs for helping us do it.

I hope the ACLU sues those girls with the purple glitter sign. Homophobes.


The Male Playbook: The Cindy Margolis was a blog I authored when I was 23 years old.  I was pleased with it in terms of followers and reaction, but when I started a new job, I discontinued it. Now, the 40+ plays in The Male Playbook will be making appearances in Writing Bareback over the next year. Enjoy.

The Cindy Margolis

We all know that guy that’s always with a hot woman. And we’ve all seen the other hot women that want to be with him strictly because he’s already with a hot woman. You’re probably not that guy. So how do you get to be that guy if you don’t have any hot women to start?

In a time before the internet, your best option (assuming those scratcher’s tickets never pay off) was climbing the vaginal ladder. Hooking up with progressively less ugly chicks until you’re in the big leagues. Practice girl arguments aside, it’s not worth it. Instead, just follow the steps of the Cindy Margolis.

Named after the original “most downloaded person on the internet”, the Cindy Margolis isn’t just to make yourself feel better while scoping out hot women on the internet (although that side effect is one of the underbellies of The Male Playbook). Instead, a well-executed Cindy Margolis is a believable profile on a social network like MySpace or Facebook tactically used to make you look like a stud by placing you in the driver’s seat with a digital (albeit fake) hotty. In less than a month, hot women will be fooled into thinking that you only swim in the deep end.

Step 1: Find Your Cindy – Since you’ll be creating a fake profile for a non-existent woman, you need a lot of pictures of the same not-famous person, at least 20 or so to start. Look is crucial, and I’d recommend a blend of seductive and promiscuous. Even though women commonly use the word “slutty” as a negative reference to scantily dressed women, these “sluts” (and I use those quotes vengefully) have the physical confidence that draws out insecurity in other women. Use MySpace’s advanced search settings to find the woman you’re looking for (just click the “bi” check box under orientation for the sluttiest pictures.

Step 2: Build Your Cindy – Your safest bet is to keep it believable. Don’t swing for the fences on the profile. She doesn’t need to own three Taco Bell franchises or love Mario Puzo’s writing. Just fill up the profile with meaningless quotes from fake friends with phrases like “—Amy, the sexiest bitch alive <3”.

Step 3: Friend Your Cindy – Now that the profile is built, you need four or five of your closest friends to be connect with your Cindy Margolis. Also send about 300 friend requests people you’ve never heard of, almost all of whom will say yes because of the look-at-my-boobs profile pic. Then start interacting between yourself and your Cindy Margolis.

Step 4: Step Your Game Up – Start interacting with real women via your online network. If you write on their wall or comment on their status, they’ll at least check out your profile. Once there, they’ll see comments on your wall from your sensual Cindy Margolis saying things like, “OMG!! Last night was SO much fun! LOL. I still can’t believe you did that!!! Call me on Friday.”

And your work is done. Watch as women just lay down for you. Soon Cindy can drift off as she’ll be replaced by the genuine article on your profile. If you’re a real gamer, use multiple Cindys to start, but be careful that you don’t overcrowd the market. Cock-blocking yourself with fake women is not cool.

You’re welcome,

I don’t like baseball, but I love the Kansas City Royals

I watched Moneyball last night and it really got me in a mood. How can you not be romantic about baseball? So I finally decided to use this post that I was going to save until the actual season. Whatever, it’s coming out.

I’ve been a Royals fan my entire life because I’m from Kansas City and I believe that loyalty in the face of hopelessness is admirable.  This is will be my first only attempt to win new souls for the fanbase. I’m looking for a fairly specific niche: the thousands of fans that are simply bored by baseball (girls, foreigners, people under 50, anyone without an adderall prescription or weed habit…I’m looking at you). So if you don’t like the game, you should be a Royals fan. Here’s the pitch:

Even hardcore baseball fans don’t want to talk about baseball with a Royals fan. There are only two kinds of Royals fans.

  1. The first kind only wants to whine about the league’s financial imbalance and how unfair it is to be a small market team (what they should be doing is discovering a revolutionary approach to scouting that will give them an edge for about 2 seasons before the rest of the league picks it up and gives them all the same problems they already had).
  2. The second kind of Royals fan is like me, disgustingly optimistic because they clearly don’t know anything about baseball.

I mean, do you want to talk to either one of those guys? No way! Real baseball fans figured that out about 3 years after George Brett retired, so if you’re not a baseball fan, it’s the perfect cover. But then there’s the kicker: if some KC-based archeologist finds the Ark of the Covenant and trades it for half of the Phillies’ pitching staff, the Royals might just sneak into the playoffs for the first time in 25 years, and nobody will blame you for partying like it’s 1985 and missing work the next day.

If you’re a non-baseball fan, you can’t lose here. Just print off the picture at the top of this post and put it in your cube/office.  Your work is done.

Duke vs UNC – KU vs Baylor: Running Diary

My first running diary, and I’m stoked about it. ESPN is finishing their top ten duos (pretty disappointed in the order actually, but that’s neither here nor there). I’ve got Queso Dip, Coca-Cola, Mint Grizzly and Oreos…I’m pretty sure that’s what the movie The Right Stuff was about. My main focus tonight is KU vs Baylor, but Duke vs UNC is my favorite regular season game that doesn’t involve a mythical bird, so tonight is simply a smorgasbord of roundball pleasure.

7:02 – John Sciambi and Fran Fraschilla with starting line-ups…Brady Heslip for Baylor looks like he probably got a daily wedgie in middle school. Probably good for rectal fortitude.

7:04 – Lob to Perry Jones for a dunk. Nothing like kicking it off with a kick in the face. I’m worried about Jones tonight. He was tough in the first game before he twisted his ankle.

7:06 – Baylor’s up 7-0. Self calling a time-out. That dunk is feeling more like a kick in the nuts (you know, cause of the lingering effects). If the Mizzou game taught KU anything, it’s that we can’t wait an entire half to start getting it to Thomas Robinson

7:08 – Robinson turns it over. I wonder if I could kick my own nuts.

7:09 – Tyshawn Taylor hits the three to bring it to 5-7. Taylor is having a great season. It took nearly 4 years, but it feels like he might finally be grown up. Nerves starts is subsiding…looks like we’ll be able to settle in now.

7:14 – The advantage of being a gangly, 7-foot white guy like Jeff Withey is that you have such little control of your limbs that refs always assume you’re getting fouled. Whithey drains them both. Naturally.

7:17 – Fraschilla points out KU’s anemic bench. I hate when commentators do this to my teams. It’s like a girlfriend telling you that you need to workout. Like I don’t already know.

7:21 – Second TV timeout. I’m wondering how much jersey color gives you an edge in recruiting. Baylor is yellow. I’m a white guy, and I know that yellow isn’t going to look good against my pale arms (just one of the reasons I didn’t play at Baylor). And, frankly, those jerseys are just plain ugly. UK, KU, UNC, Duke, and UCLA are all a shade of blue, yellow’s contrast on the ROY G BIV spectrum. Just saying…

7:27 – My girlfriend texts me to let me know that final Jeopardy is “Comic Books”. I switch over and crush the answer with TinTin (don’t screw with me on comic books, cause I’m white and nerdy). I switch back to see Heslip has checked into the game and looks terrible in that yellow jersey. Connor Tehan is glad he’s a Jayhawk.

7:30 – The GF texts back with “Boom. Well done young Dustin.” I feel good tonight.

7:31 – Jayhawks are down 22-13. I’m not worried. I have Jeopardy karma

7:34 – Tehan and Heslip collide in a scramble for the ball. Coin-toss call goes against Heslip. He just doesn’t look like he deserves a call in that cowardly, yellow jersey.

7:35 – My friend Daniel Drury hits me with a Facebook smear by saying Bill Self has an adolescent mind (even worse, he says that Self and Coach K are equal in physical appearance). I make a mental note to send him a well-developed rebuttal with both statistical and anecdotal evidence of his ignorance via email at a later date.

7:40 – Fraschilla called Baylor’s jerseys “gold”…the man is a master of euphemism. I tip my hat to him…KU is down 22-27 with 4 minutes left….make that 22-29, and we’re at the TV timeout, still waiting for that Jeopardy karma to kick in. I vow to shout Trebek’s name when KU takes their first lead.

7:48 – KU closes the game to 28-30 with a Connor Tehan three-pointer. Scott Drew wears his gold tie nervously. I feel a primal cry bubbling in my throat.

7:50 – Withey lay-up ties the game. I’m humming to warm up my throat.

7:51 – Tommy Cooksey texts me to let me know we had our highest number of visits ever on Writing Bareback. I feel good tonight. Jeopardy Karma….Baylor turnover…Humming…

7:52 – TTTRRRRREEEEEEEEBBBEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! A Connor Tehan three!!!! And we’re taking that into the locker room. Maybe Brady Heslip was the better white guy in high school. I don’t know, but Tehan and Withey chose to attend schools with blue jerseys, and they’re the reasons the Jayhawks are winning. I’m just saying…

7:54 – Halftime. Taking a break and heating up the queso.

8:17 – I’m late getting my hands back on the keyboard because I had to clean my cheese-encrusted face. There’s 16:38 left and KU has just gone up 11 after a Thomas Robinson free throw. I wonder what Alex Trebek’s fan-mail address is.

8:19 – Watching a slow-mo of a Quincy Miller cheap shot on Whithey. Honestly, I don’t blame him. Withey has been unstoppable tonight (did I just write that?). Might as well go 89 Pistons on him. It’s a flagrant. Withey makes one of two, and Taylor sinks a 3 on the ensuing possession! KU by 15!

8:22 – Taylor with another 3! I think about a snarky text to Daniel Drury. I resist so I don’t ruin my Jeopardy karma. Trebek hates arrogance.

8:25 – Joseph A. Bank show’s a commercial for a “buy two get third free” sale. I make a mental note to go tomorrow. Sales like that don’t happen every month at Joe Bank’s.

8:30 – Tehan turns it over to himself for a layup. Weird play. Puts the Jayhawks up by 20. Originally that “Jeopardy karma” thing was a joke, but maybe there’s something to it…

8:36 – ESPN gives an update of Syracuse vs Georgetown. It’s close. The competitiveness is more enticing than a Taco Bell sign on a drunk Friday night….I stay disciplined with the Jayhawks. No disrupting our team’s mojo right now.

8:40 – KU is playing with a lineup of Taylor, Tehan Kevin Young, Justin Wesley and Elijah Johnson. We don’t look good. This must be what it’s like to root for a Conference USA team. I put a pinch of Grizzly in to pacify myself…..feeling ready for the Tobacco Road showdown…

8:45 – I can’t help it. I flip to the Syracue-Georgetown game. The crowd is still cheering on this channel. Feels good. Syracuse is up 55-51….ugh, I hate that Orange zone. Brings me back to 2003, the last time Roy Williams coached KU…you know, this is a nice transition moment.

8:49 – shot of Derrick Coleman in the crowd. I’ll take underachievers for $800, Alex.

8:53 – Back to KU-Baylor. Fran’s talking POY and puts Thomas Robinson at the top. Anthony Davis wears UK blue, but he’s in a weird spot for the award because his team is so talented and he’s only a freshman. Doug McDermott gets an honorable mention. He’s a white guy at Creighton, a team with blue jerseys. I’m just saying…

8:56 – KU’s up by 16 with two minutes to go. Impressive game by the Jayhawks. I’m putting this one in the books and flipping back to my transition game.

8:57 – YOWZER!!! It’s 55-55 and we’ve got OT! Musberger and Bobby Knight are announcing. They’re my favorite tandem. Two old guys that legitimately seem to like each other. FYI, KU beat Georgetown this year. Feels like it’s worth mentioning that.

8:58 – Bobby Knight says “How about our boy Withey at Kansas?” The General knows his stuff.

9:01 – Sims grabs an offensive board for Georgetown and gets fouled on the put back attempt. Georgetown is down two with 2:55 left. Sims has been battling for all two minutes I’ve watched. I like him. Hits his throws and ties it up.

9:04 – Syracuse’s Waiters is at the line shooting two with a chance to tie it up…I’ve got a bad feeling that this is going to double OT. Big East games have a tendency of doing this. Yep, he tied it up. Timeout with a minute left. I know my Raleighnian brethren can’t be happy about this overtime business. I love it!

9:09 – Kris Joseph with a three for Syracuse! 29 points on the night! Timeout Georgetown with 20 seconds left! We might get out of this yet….

9:11 – Sub-confusion with Hollis Thompson. Nothing was going to go smoothly at this time.

9:12 – Turnover! Not even a shot! Great game though. Looks like we’re going to Chapel Hill. I’m ready. Syracuse won and KU won. Not good for Roy’s karma….

9:14 – Sure enough. Duke’s off to a hot start, up 7-3. How worried can a UNC fan be though? Who really trusts the Plumlees to be good enough against UNC’s front line? Seriously. It’s the Plumlees.

9:16 – Austin Rivers for three, has 8 points. I don’t like it. I’m making the “ARPF” noise in my mind every time he touches it (via Mark Titus, for those who don’t know, “ARPF” sounds like a seal’s bark and stands for “Austin Rivers Punchable Face”).

9:20 – Dickie V and Jay Bilas? Somehow I think that Duke grad Jay Bilas is the least biased guy in that duo….Duke’s up 15-7. Looks like their 3-ball is going to be trouble tonight.

9:25 – Kendall Marshall for 3!…oops, Curry answered. It’s 23-17, and I’m worrying about the game’s pace versus my live journaling…It’s going to be a gutsy performance from yours truly this evening.

9:28 – Henson hits a jumper and Dukie V give us a zinging, “But you put Henson on the free throw line and it’s a nightmare. A flat-out nightmare!” I know my hair’s thinning, honey! Geez

9:34 – Tyler Zeller has 15 points. I might be regretting my Scott Pollard comparisons from the “not pro-UNC, just anti-Duke” article yesterday. He looks good….And Bilas is complimenting him. Well, I won’t apologize to Zeller fans for at least 3 years. We’ll see.

9:37 – cutaway to Wake Forest getting pounded by Virginia. Where have you gone Tim Duncan?

9:39 – Carolina looks great on the boards! They didn’t convert but got 4 offensive boards. This game will turn for them if Duke can’t stop the bleeding on the glass.

9:41 – Duke looks great from 3! They’re hitting everything. This game won’t turn if UNC can’t stop the bleeding from beyond the arc…(I’d be a great announcer!)

9:42 – Zeller! ZELLER!! Striking a blow for under-appreciated big brothers everywhere. You’re welcome, Peyton!

9:47 – 2-point game after Henson free throws. Turnover Duke! Uh oh. I’m feeling something creeping up the in ol’ throat…

9:48 – Just a tickle. Dawkins fouled on a three…..wait, what’s this? Desmond Hubert!?!? Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?

9:52 – Our announcing crew throws it to Erin Andrews for a truly worthless 5 seconds of television. Why hire Erin Andrews if she’s only going to do a voiceover?

9:56 – Tied up at 39 apiece. Odd foul with ARPF flopping around like the seal he’s now related to in my mind. Ridiculous call. Rivers goes one for two and I start warming up the throat…

9:57 – TRRREEEbek…just wasn’t feeling it on a free-throw go-ahead.

9:58 – Zeller block! Transition buzzer-beating layup! I’m feeling it now! TTTRREEEEEEEEEEBBBEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!!!!! Great first half!

10:17 – We’re back, and I’d like to welcome Harrison Barnes to the game. Nice of him to make it.

10:19 – Kendall Marshal with a sweet And 1! I feel like UNC becomes unbeatable when Marshal is a threat to score. I like his game. Does the most with the least of all the guys on the floor….UNC stretches the spurt and suddenly it’s 54-44, Chapel Hill.

10:20 – Old Spice just keeps evolving with their commercials. The current pitchman is bigger, blacker and weirder than that last guy on the horse. I like it right now, but I’m really afraid that soon I’ll be watching Greg Oden sexting a bar of Old Spice…it just feels like it’s going that direction.

10:27 – I notice that Rivers is the only player on the court wearing an arm sleeve. This would probably be a different game if his elbow was healthy. In related news, UNC is up 13 after a Barnes 3.

10:30 – Barnes and Rivers are going back-and-forth. I’ll go ahead and give my one compliment to Rivers. The guy is definitely not scared of “alpha” status on his team. That means something. Not enough to win this game, but something (Editor’s note: Dustin had no idea how stupid he’d look for that statement…he’s been advised to respect “alpha” status more in the future.)

10:33 – Bilas quotes Coach K on versatile swingmen being “like a queen on the chessboard.” I like it, and I’m putting it in my mental vault for safekeeping.

10:35 – Those Safe House commercials depress me. Why don’t we have any movies about CIA operatives that consistently grind out their 9-5 for 40 years and happily retire with benefits. That’d be way more comforting than my current belief that the weight of the country’s secrets eventually turns Americans evil. Sigh…

10:39 – Interesting plot point in the game. Duke just got into the bonus with over 11 minutes left. That could be a major factor in this game’s outcome and my sleep…I crack open a Diet Coke. A boy becomes a man when a man is needed – Bruce Hensley, head coach at Greenwood High in Indiana

10:43 – Dickie V calls for Zeller. They go to Zeller. Zeller delivers. I got ya, Peyton. It’s a good thing, because this UNC lead feels a bit unsteady.

10:48 – This Project X movie looks entertaining. I’ll bet midgets win 97% of their fights in movies. Are we just not ready to see a feisty little person get worked over? I’m honestly not, but I figured it’s worth asking.

10:50 – Dickie V shares a conversation with Doc Rivers about Austin. Dick thinks Austin’s going to stay in school. It’d be a good idea. He needs another year to subdue media scrutiny as much as anything else. After the past stories involving Austin-Lebron and Austin-Kobe (not to mention tweets from Austin like “C’mon Celts! Hey Dad, put me in! jk”), I think NBA players would want to eat this kid alive.

10:55 – Great exchange ends in a thunderous McAdoo dunk! McNasty! This game was becoming tedious with foul shooting. Kind of tough to watch with two powerful offenses like this. There’s 5 minutes left and the Heels are up by 11. If Duke’s going to make a move, it better happen soon.

11:03 – Barnes hit’s a big shot to keep UNC up by 10 with 2:30 left. I don’t think Duke has enough in the tank to topple this level of talent. That’s probably going to be the defining statement for their season. A good team that isn’t great.

11:06 – I might have jinxed it! A Duke steal, Duke 3, Barnes charge, Duke J makes it a 2-point game with a minute left. Hold on to your butts! – Samuel L never gets enough love for his role in Jurassic Park

11:09 – Timeout by K. They replay a travel that led to the momentum shifting three after Duke’s steal. Hey, bad officiating happens (ask Thomas Robinson about the end of that Mizzou game), but that was ridiculous. UNC has a 3-point lead and time to answer. It’s still an advantageous position to be in, all things considered.

11:10 – WHAT!? Deflected in is a three!?….No. Just a two. Good golly! Put a lump in my throat….Zeller just can’t miss tonight. Hope that’s true cause he’s at the charity stripe…1 for 2.

11:13 – OH MY GOODNESS!!!! RIVERS! What was Zeller doing!?!? I’m going to have to digest this thing…

11:15 – Duke vs UNC. It never disappoints does it? Well-played, ARPF.  29 points…probably didn’t need that dismissive “I said best day of my life, not best game.” Ugh…

Hope you guys enjoyed the first running diary…it was 4 hours of fun for me. To my KU and Duke friends, sleep easy. To my UNC friends, I’m so sorry.


I’m not pro-UNC, I’m just anti-Duke

There are plenty of people that have a better handle on the Duke vs UNC battle, but as a promise to my friend Harrison (a man who’s rabid UNC fansmanship far outweighs his fantasy bball skills), I will put out an anti-Duke article. As with most of my articles, this is more about me than anything else, which is why the first reason I hate duke is…

I’m a Kansas fan. Rock Chalk Jayhawk and all that jazz. While all great programs have a hate-respect relationship, it always got under my nerves that people think Cameron Indoor is the premier venue in college basketball. It’s Allen Fieldhouse. From Duke grad and reigning honcho of the college game, Jay Bilas, in regards to Allen Fieldhouse, “I thought the atmosphere was unbelievable. I’ve been here before, but it’s just such an unbelievable place. It has such character. I can’t say I’ve ever been in a better arena.” FYI, that was in 2005. He said it again in the 2012 matchup versus Baylor.

Duke fans have a natural bandwagon element to them, and you can especially feel it when you’re in North Carolina. For people in NC who were born in my time (mid-80s), you were born beside two great programs that bore your state’s name on the chest of the jersey. How do you end up a fan of the private school that imports their student body and most of their fan base? Other top programs are proud representatives of their states: Kansas, Kentucky, North Carolina, Indiana, etc, and you don’t hear many people outside of birthplace/home/family connection that cite them as their favorite team. Having no state affiliation actually makes people feel like it’s safe for them to be Duke fans, but truth is, they’re bandwagon fans. The worst thing in sports. Bandwagon fans betrays the purity of any sport’s success. Try to ask someone why they’re a Duke fan. The answer always disappoints you. Here’s what I’ve heard.

  • How could you not root for hard-working white guys (valid, but too racist)
  • My dad was a Duke fan (shame on him for his bandwagoniness)
  • They just play good basketball (so are you a fan of all top 25 teams? This makes you a bandwagon fan, not a purist)
  • I went to Duke (arrogant prick)

Duke always seems to have an easy-to-hate player. I’ve always dreamed of handing out the annual “Douche Blue Devil Award”. Past winners include Josh McRoberts, JJ Redick (3x winner) and Carlos Boozer (after reading Five Point Play, I’m convinced that Coach K didn’t even like Boozer). This year it’s Austin Rivers. Most people know about how punchable his face is (second paragraph in the “Overrated Team – Duke” section…also, when referring to Austin Rivers’ Punchable Face, it is to be spelled “ARPF” and pronounced like the noise a seal makes. I consider this to be Mark Titus’ greatest contribution to college basketball this season), but how about his general opinion of himself? Start reading from the 3rd paragraph of this article, unless you’re Anthony Davis because you’ll only get pissed off. If Grant Hill was Duke’s star player every year, I’d probably be a Duke fan. Too bad he’s not.

I don’t have a whole lot of time tonight, so I won’t drone on any longer. Tomorrow (I wrote this the day before you read it), I’m pulling for UNC. I’ll root for Roy like I did in the 90s…I might even get carried away and yell, “Atta boy, Pollard!” when Tyler Zeller does anything (sorry UNC fans, but when it comes down to final results, Tyler Zeller is Scott Pollard – a 19th overall pick with a ten-year NBA career as a serviceable big…and really, that shouldn’t be frowned on).

And the Plumlee’s just aren’t very cool.