Daily Archives: March 20, 2012

The Male Playbook – “The Marge Piercy”

The male human has been the undisputed dominant species on Earth for thousands of years, constantly defeating women for the title. The playing field was leveled considerably over a century ago when hitting women became less fashionable. Technology, economic development and “equal” rights have also been minor factors. In today’s world, the woman has become increasingly rebellious when it comes to completing her God-given tasks such as laundry, cooking, dishes, children (bearing and rearing), vacuuming, mopping, dusting, sewing and ironing (to name a handful). In worst-case scenarios, she will actually expect a man to help.

In order to maintain the lifestyle that our forebears have made us accustomed to, the modern man must employ guile and cunning. And what better way to be cunning than to be as stupid as a stoned canine?

You won’t see many plays named after a feminist, but Marge Piercy coined the phrase, “Burning dinner is not incompetence but war.”  She’s right, and war is a man’s game. A well-executed Marge Piercy convinces the woman that you can’t do anything as good as she can, so she should do everything. You achieve this in three stages: effort, incompetence and praise.

1. Effort – You want to do your part. If your lady needs a hand, you attack the chore with enthusiasm! Grab that vacuum and start the metaphorical sucking.

2. Incompetence – It’s the linchpin of a good Marge Piercy. Leave streaks when you dust, burn dinner in her favorite dish, and fold wrinkles into the clothes (especially hers). The problem obviously isn’t with your attitude. You just suck at this stuff.

3. Praise – For every time you suck at something, you should dish out a minimum of two compliments about the way your woman does it to anyone who’ll listen. “Are you using a folding board I don’t know about?” “I’ll be darned if she didn’t steal the Colonel’s secret recipe.” She’ll begin to develop pride—maybe even love—for the work she does around the house, and you can fade quietly into your recliner.

You may not like acting incompetent. Understandable. Men aren’t awesome because they can’t do things (like use double negatives or make public speeches), but you have to remember that by acting incompetent, you are actually exhibiting a higher level of competence.