Monthly Archives: June 2012

Men, Don’t Read 50 Shades of Grey: Reason 2

When I posted “Do not read 50 Shades of Grey” as a best practice amongst unmarried males, I assumed it would be accepted as gospel.  Since then, I’ve probably had 29 conversations about a book I’ve never read.  While a few girls have a insisted it’s a love story, a few women have told me it romanticizes abusive sex.  I don’t know which one is true, and I really don’t care.  All I know is that whenever I think of a reason to reinforce this unresearched opinion, I’m going to post it.
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Manage Expectations

The most dangerous thing to do in a relationship is set precedents. Go ahead and read 50 Shades of Grey, but know that your lady friend will expect you to read similar books in the future.  Each word that enters your brain is a drop in the heavy bucket of expectations that you enjoy these books, and the path to disappointment is paved in expectations.  To avoid laying that disappointment on your lady friend (that you don’t want to continually consume “girl world” books), not only are you going to have to read the 50 Shades sequels , but you’ll also have to read whatever tri-heptalogy that comes out next.  The market for estrogen crack is too strong now….I’m personally thinking of getting into the market by writing a story about an agoraphobic, corporate heiress who gains an unhealthy fixation with her Liam Hemsworth-esque neighbor, living out her fantasies through voyeurism and under-cover prostitutes.  It’s gonna be bigger than Beanie Babies….Point is, you don’t want to spend your future Wednesday nights reading some book called Suicidal Lust beside a roaring fire when you could be watching re-runs of Storage Wars.

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Men, Don’t Read 50 Shades of Grey: Reason 1

When I posted “Do not read 50 Shades of Grey” as a best practice amongst unmarried males, I assumed it would be accepted as gospel.  Since then, I’ve probably had 29 conversations about a book I’ve never read.  While a few girls have a insisted it’s a love story, a few women have told me it romanticizes abusive sex.  I don’t know which one is true, and I really don’t care.  All I know is that whenever I think of a reason to reinforce this unresearched opinion, I’m going to post it.

Save your time, Men. we have been here before

While it’s fairly common knowledge that women want nothing more than a slovenly dressed man to sit on their couch as they cook and clean for him, they occasionally lose sight of those desires (my chauvinism feels like it’s running a little hot today).  Every couple of years we see a mythological titan of romance rise up in film and literature, and usually both.  The unwavering devotion of Noah Notebook and the fantastical attentions of Edward Twilight are literary figures holding testicle sheers. I distinctly remember two lines, one directed at me and one not.  “Why can’t you be more like Noah?” And, “Reading about Edward actually makes me hate you a little bit.”  You know what happened in both cases? The girls got over it until they found some new piece of estrogen crack, now appearing in the idea of Christian Grey.  So, men, if you feel so insecure that you need to peak into a woman’s fantasy world, feel free.  But this too shall pass, and you’re probably just wasting your time.

PS. This was written with the assumption that a man can’t have personal pleasure from 50 Shades of Grey as it falls under “girl-world” parameters. Meaning that if the initial consumer of a product is over 71% female, then said product is incapable of satisfying male consumers.  Famous examples of “girl world” products are purple gel pens, Nicholas Sparks novels, sequins, the Volkswagen Beetle, Vagisil, Easy Bake Ovens, napkins and picture frames.

Ballsagna: Meet The Team

Warning: This post is about my kickball team.  You should only read this if you’re extremely bored, know me personally, or are sitting on a toilet. Carry on.

As I’ve mentioned in the past, I play on a kickball team named Ballsagna.  Besides having a hilarious team name, we have goals.  We’re going for the double crown. The first leg is a kickball championship.  The second is a social games championship (flipcup, cornhole, skiball, etc), played at Sammy’s after the kickball games.  We were second place in both last season, and I think this is our year.  As such, I’m placing game recaps on the blog to capture all the glory and pageantry of the games.  Before I introduce the squad, I’d like to give a shout-out to TriSports for putting the league together, and to Sammy’s Tap & Grill for hosting the postgame.  And now, give it up for your hairy Ballsagna!

Charles – He’s the dude in the middle of the picture.  I also outsourced all picture retrieval to him, so any teammates with beef, you know where to go.  A left-footer with a swing sweet enough to inspire several “he’s the Griffey of kickball” comments.  Charles’ main role on the team is speed, whether that means running bases, flipping cups at Sammy’s, or making time with ladies.  This is why, in every sense, he’s our lead-off man.

Tommy, aka PureStroke, aka T-Bone, aka Social Bomb – Tommy’s the emotional soul of our team, like Joe Walsh’s guitar in Eagles music.  He coined the phrase, “Kickball is my life!”  He’s coming off a lot of postgame momentum from the last season where he attempted to become the preeminent social force at Sammy’s.  His success is in question as his main targets, a team named Multiple Scoregasms that consisted of mostly attractive girls in hot pink shirts, did not return for this season.

Lindsey – On the left in the pic. Arguably the fiercest competitor on the team, I’ve failed to adequately nickname her (WonderWall just hasn’t been rolling off the tongue).  The only suitable group of adjectives to describe her bunts is “Downy soft.”  As much as she wants to win the kickball league, her true heart’s desire is winning the social games for a night out on the Sammy’s Wolf Wagon.

Snacks, aka Chad – You probably noticed that it looks like his nickname is Chad and his real name is Snacks.  Excellent observation because it’s totally true.  The “Cannon of Denial” is a nickname for his arm, and if Tommy is this team’s soul, Snacks is the brain.  An unquestioned field general whose nickname-earning appetite can be satiated by only two things: 87 pieces of sushi, and victory.

Steven, aka Special K, aka Polish Nightmare – The Nightmare is easily the most mercurial man on the roster, born with great athleticism (by social kickball league standards) and hair that flops perfectly when he runs, you can only count on him to show up to about a third of the games.  He makes up for it by wearing cleats though.  Can’t overstate that. When Steve walks to the plate, you can sometimes hear the outfielders thinking “Oh crap, he’s wearing cleats!” as they back up.

Sally, aka Sallymander – On the left. If Ballsagna are the first three-peat Chicago Bulls, then Sally is John Paxson.  Perfectly accurate on offense, free of mental errors on defense, and always performing with a quiet consistency that makes her teammates feel safe.  Every great team needs a Sally.

Justin, aka Jackhammer, aka Bald Eagle, aka Beefstick – There’s things we could say about the Jackhammer’s game, but the important things to know over the course of this season is that he will be my primary consultant on humidor use (stocking and upkeep), and most likely the prime host for football weekends in the fall.  This tells you what kind of man he is. Oh yeah, he’s been known to wear camouflage hats.

Robby – Rookie of the year, easily (only because Henry R0wengartner refused my invitation to the team).  Robby’s an all-star primarily due to his ability to actually process, ahead of time, what he should do with the ball if it’s kicked to him.  It’s a big deal.

Kim – My only purpose in writing this description of our teammate Kim is to hope she reads it and feels pressured.  Kim is dangerously flirting with all kinds of things, but the most important one is a potential “unreliable” reputation.  Will she show up at a better rate than 1 out of 3 weeks? Stay tuned!!!

The Captain, aka RyanThe sentence you are currently reading was to extend this paragraph and make the pictures fit.  Now read on as if it didn’t exist: Can he marry you in international waters? Yes.  Does he bare a striking resemblance to Jamie Kennedy? He kinda does.  Will he end up with 12 children?  That burden falls to the uterus of the special lady below.

Katie, aka The Captain’s Wife – Katie brings some sass to a mostly proper group of young ladies (a bit surprising considering our team name carries some “you have testicles resting on your flesh” implications).  Katie’s like an injury-prone player, but instead of getting injured, she gets knocked up roughly 3 times a year (that’s an estimate. The “roughly” described how she got knocked up).  Still, if I didn’t love all my teammates equally, Katie would be my favorite.  She just loves the game a little more than the rest.

Brian, aka LeBrian Dreams – I remember when Steve Goldberg changed his name to LeBron James in honor of his favorite kickball player.  Smooth move. LeBrian Dreams is the kind of guy that plays flipcup with tequila, kicks home runs after whiffing the pitch before, and pegs arrogant female runners that don’t respect the gun.  In short, LeBrian Dreams is the perfect blend of Kenny Powers and Clint Eastwood. Since I didn’t have a picture, I placed the closest thing I could find.

Ashley – Does she run a bit too daintily? Yes. But, then again, I think of it like going to the gym.  Would every girl be in better shape if they worked out like their name was Ivan? Of course, but who wants to be part of that gym?  Ashley has a grand total of 4 games under her tutu, but she’s getting better. A fact she’s reminded me of an estimated 329 times.

Emilie – I know that she’s a competent flipcup player, and she learned her bunts from Lindsey, so they’re obviously money.  Another rook, she feels like she’s got a lot of Sally potential in her game.  If we’re sticking with the Bullsagna scenario (see what I did there?), the I’m going to deem Emilie as a young Steve Kerr (something feels great about equivocating all my female teammates to short, white, NBA players).

Emily, aka Not-So-Easy E – This pic is the worst reason to outsource your pic work.  I’m assuming that Emily is in the purple jacket with a beer in her hand only because it seems like an Emily thing to do.  Possibly our most athletic girl (so, like, the Steve Nash of the team), Emily is best known for getting up early (the natural enemy of postgame social festivities) and not responding to chain emails.  But, you know, we love her.

Bradley – He’s out in right field for a reason.  Kind of like the “Sleepy” Sam Perkins of the team.  Long, rangy and more athletic than he looks, I can’t tell you how pleased i am with young Bradley’s performances thus far.  This pic is the best reason to outsource your graphic work.  I’m putting the over/under on Brad’s bench max at 175 lbs.  Let the bidding begin.

Dustin, aka Dirty, aka Diesel, aka Stinky Ol’, aka The Real Deal – I put the balls in Ballsagna. ‘Nuff said ’bout that.  I’ll own this picture thing.  I had the power to bring in my own pic, but no, this is it.  This is the beloved Feginn the Cat, aka Lion of Raleigh, aka bugslayer, aka #clawsonyodome.

Our team is currently 4-0 and undefeated in the social games, but with this many balls being kicked, you can never be too comfortable.  Still, I feel good this season.

Wishing I were an American Gladiator,
Dusty “Thrust” Riedesel

10 Best Practices for the Unmarried Man

I’ve always wondered why you never see “follow best practices” on a list of best practices.  Well, just know it’s implied.  Carry on.

1. Whenever dealing with topic of STDs, always err on the side that won’t make people wonder if you have any

2. If your date has leftovers at a restaurant, do not carry her leftovers out of the restaurant for her. You don’t want people thinking you didn’t finish all your food (if you have both your testicles and leftovers at a restaurant, please don’t read this blog anymore).

3. Know, use and understand the term “Great White Buffalo”

4. Grow a non-ironic mustache. The man that can survive the first 2 years of his peers thinking this is a joke will see it pay off in spades.

5. Similar to buying stock, always be contrarian to the opinions of your peers.

a. Example: In my high school days, some men were publicizing their idea that women didn’t poop or fart (the “women are angels and I’d never even think about not calling one back after heavy petting in the back of my ’92 Crown Victoria” implications were obvious). That was fine a decade ago, but now too many guys voice this opinion, and you look like a deuschy lemming if you say it too. Whether you bought into that opinion early enough or not, there’s only one option now. Sell.

6. Never act like you know more than a girl on topics of style, interior decorating, fabric care or baking. Even if you do know more, the knowledge wins you nothing.

7. Do not read 50 Shades of Grey.

8. Hide the fact that you don’t understand half of the joke references in Archer.

 

9. When not wearing a tuxedo, avoid drinking out of Martini glasses.

10. Be a Kevin Durant fan.

Preaching what I practice,
Dusty

Live with passion!

As we get older we shuffle between the gray (spelled grey in the UK) and mediocre aspects of life. Once we graduate college and some of us sooner we tend to loose that true joy and passion that comes from just about any and everything in life.  My new life goal is to try and experience something, anything, at least once  more in my life where I share the sheer joy and excitement that this kid has as a result of his country scoring a goal in a Euro 2012 match.  Watch closely, and try to live your life this way!

Live with Passion,

tc

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Orioles Magic

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Among other things, I’m an avid sports fan. This is the first time in several years the Orioles have maintained my interest in baseball beyond April. So, while this kick ass shirt is still relevant…Orioles Magic!!

Man Up – Wear a Watch (but don’t let it wear you)

If I had written this post 4 years ago, it would have been hypocritical. I, like most of the guys I know only had one watch that they got for Christmas 6 years ago that they only wore when they were dressed up. That being said, 4 years ago I was just a feeble 22 year old boy still scrambling to find myself in this world.

As men, when exactly did we stop wearing watches? My grandpa wore one every day of his adult life. Most guys our parents’ age have always worn a watch. So….why did it skip us? I’m going to place the blame on technology.  First the pager (anyone born in 1990 and after – this is a pager). Then the cell phone. Now the smart phone. Hell, the logic makes sense. “Why would I wear something on my wrist, if I can get the same information from my phone?”

In the next few lines, I’m going to make a case for bringing watches back, and give you a brief “how-to” for buying a new watch.

A man is allowed very little flare. A necklace, maybe. Silver bracelet, no. Class ring, yeah (in 1978). A watch, unanimously yes. The watch is to a man what a earrings are to a woman. It’s a chance to make a statement about yourself without screaming LOOK AT ME. Do you think Don Draper, one of the most stylish characters in the history of tv would ever leave the house sans watch?

How many times a day does someone ask, “What time is it?” and immediately people start that awkward pocket shimmy to pull out their phone and check the time. Like anything in life as a man, there’s a slight sense of pride and winning be being the first to say “It’s 10:53.” Avoid the cell phone shimmy (could be a new wedding dance?) and keep the time on your wrist.

A watch should be a subtle conversation piece, but not the conversation itself. I knew a guy who had on the most disgustingly large faced white watch I’ve ever seen. It was like having a white 5lbs dumbbell hanging from his left arm. When someone asked “What doesn’t that watch do?” His reply “Tell time.” Funny, yes. But also obviously rehearsed because it clearly wasn’t the first time he’s had to answer that question. So be careful in choosing. If I see you in something like this, I promise to make fun of it and you:

A watch should have basic functionality:

  1. Tell the correct time (umm..duh)
  2. Tell the date (optional)
  3. Some sort of stop watch feature (optional)

THAT’S IT. Notice I didn’t say it should display the tides, the elevation, the next full moon, etc. When’s the last time you were out and someone asked “When’s the next high tide?” So unless you’re an astronaut or a ship captain, keep the watch function to the minimal.

When buying a watch don’t be afraid to drop a little cash on it. But before you do ask yourself this “Will I still wear this watch in 10 years?” If you’re going to drop a few hundo on a watch, you want it to be wearable for awhile. Personally I’m partial to watches that don’t have a metal band, but if that’s more your speed, have at it.

If it’s your first watch and you’re shy on dropping a ton of cash, Fossil makes some pretty stylish time pieces that are extremely affordable. Take this leather band one for <$95:

If you want drop a little more and are looking for some watches with a little more edge to em, check out Nixon. Nixon can get a little out of control with some watch styles, so when you’re navigating the waters remember “Will I wear this watch when I’m 40?” If the answer is yes (like this solid piece below) drop a little cash on it!

 

The Private SS in Black

I happen to really dig the Timex vintage field Army watch. I wear it every single day. It’s simple and classic, and if it was tough enough to issue to soldiers in a war, I think it can handle my desk job. Plus, if you ever get tired of the green band, they have quite a few interchangeable color choices.

Timex® vintage field army watch

I stayed away from talking about things like a Rolex, simply because my budget and conscience don’t (and likely never will) allow me to spend thousands on a watch. But I promise you, my wrist is gonna look classy as hell, on a budget.

Hey bud, what time is it?

tc