10 Best Practices for the Unmarried Man

I’ve always wondered why you never see “follow best practices” on a list of best practices.  Well, just know it’s implied.  Carry on.

1. Whenever dealing with topic of STDs, always err on the side that won’t make people wonder if you have any

2. If your date has leftovers at a restaurant, do not carry her leftovers out of the restaurant for her. You don’t want people thinking you didn’t finish all your food (if you have both your testicles and leftovers at a restaurant, please don’t read this blog anymore).

3. Know, use and understand the term “Great White Buffalo”

4. Grow a non-ironic mustache. The man that can survive the first 2 years of his peers thinking this is a joke will see it pay off in spades.

5. Similar to buying stock, always be contrarian to the opinions of your peers.

a. Example: In my high school days, some men were publicizing their idea that women didn’t poop or fart (the “women are angels and I’d never even think about not calling one back after heavy petting in the back of my ’92 Crown Victoria” implications were obvious). That was fine a decade ago, but now too many guys voice this opinion, and you look like a deuschy lemming if you say it too. Whether you bought into that opinion early enough or not, there’s only one option now. Sell.

6. Never act like you know more than a girl on topics of style, interior decorating, fabric care or baking. Even if you do know more, the knowledge wins you nothing.

7. Do not read 50 Shades of Grey.

8. Hide the fact that you don’t understand half of the joke references in Archer.


9. When not wearing a tuxedo, avoid drinking out of Martini glasses.

10. Be a Kevin Durant fan.

Preaching what I practice,

7 responses to “10 Best Practices for the Unmarried Man

  1. is he using a cordless corded phone? in the ocean?

  2. I love your posts, and I generally agree with them… But I have a handful of counter arguments to this. No, I’m not a man, but I’m a woman who looooooves my manly men.

    2. If I’m carrying something, anything, why wouldn’t you carry it for me? Unless it has a handle and/or sequins, be a gentleman. If I get sauce on my outfit because you were worried about looking like a puss to all the other people in the restaurant, I’m going to be pissed. Plus, I’m probably going to give you those leftovers the next morning when you wake up with me because you were a gentleman on our date, so just be a sweetie, and carry them.

    7. I’m not saying it will make you more manly if you read it. I’m also not suggesting you try everything you read in this book. But why on earth would you discourage a guy from reading something that a) is a topic starter for all women, whether they’ve read it or not (most have), b) provides endless hours of humor in groups of both sexes, c) is sure to get at least 60% of the female population in the room twitchin in their nether regions? This is currently the one thing in our lives that makes women tear their panties off (until June 29, 2012).

    Otherwise… I have to say the rest are spot on.

    • Dustin Riedesel

      2. I’ll cite the unlisted best practice #11 – Arrogantly ignore any and all criticism

      7. I’ll admit to having read the first ten pages and Wikipeida (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifty_Shades_of_Grey) to be conversationally relevant…but when asked, I like to say something snotty about being too busy with real authors like Faulkner, Milton or Joyce (secret: I’m actually busy with comic books and HBO dramas).

  3. I have to agree with MW. I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel if my woman could finish the Andre the Giant size, American portions that restaurants serve. I’m happy to carry it out of the restaurant, while holding her hand and opening the door for her. Because I’m a true gentleman. I’ll also bed her and eat those leftovers in the morning.

    I’m not sure what happens June 29 2012, but if panties are coming off, sign me up!

  4. Neckrolls4life

    A) As a man who knows a thing or two of film, I can tell you that Magic Mike will make its theatrical debut on that fine day. If you were always wondering about that one guy in the office who seems a little “funny” then hang out in front of the movieplex that day and find out for sure.

    2) As a man who knows a thing or two about pop culture, just knowing of 50 Shades of Gray is enough to satisfy the needs of most women. Even the casual throwaway line like “If I was Christian Gray you would let me put that there.” can leave you more than satisfied with the ladies while still remaining a manly single man. You dont’ want to travel too far down that road though.

    Finally) I actually do get all the references in Archer.


  5. Magic Mike. Channing Tatum and Wooderson. That’s gonna be panty dropping for women ages 18 (probably younger) – 69 (strategic #).

    Brandon – I’m using that line.

  6. Pingback: Men, Don’t Read 50 Shades of Grey: Reason 1 | Writing Bareback

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