Warning: This post is about my kickball team. You should only read this if you’re extremely bored, know me personally, or are sitting on a toilet. Carry on.
As I’ve mentioned in the past, I play on a kickball team named Ballsagna. Besides having a hilarious team name, we have goals. We’re going for the double crown. The first leg is a kickball championship. The second is a social games championship (flipcup, cornhole, skiball, etc), played at Sammy’s after the kickball games. We were second place in both last season, and I think this is our year. As such, I’m placing game recaps on the blog to capture all the glory and pageantry of the games. Before I introduce the squad, I’d like to give a shout-out to TriSports for putting the league together, and to Sammy’s Tap & Grill for hosting the postgame. And now, give it up for your hairy Ballsagna!
Charles – He’s the dude in the middle of the picture. I also outsourced all picture retrieval to him, so any teammates with beef, you know where to go. A left-footer with a swing sweet enough to inspire several “he’s the Griffey of kickball” comments. Charles’ main role on the team is speed, whether that means running bases, flipping cups at Sammy’s, or making time with ladies. This is why, in every sense, he’s our lead-off man.
Tommy, aka PureStroke, aka T-Bone, aka Social Bomb – Tommy’s the emotional soul of our team, like Joe Walsh’s guitar in Eagles music. He coined the phrase, “Kickball is my life!” He’s coming off a lot of postgame momentum from the last season where he attempted to become the preeminent social force at Sammy’s. His success is in question as his main targets, a team named Multiple Scoregasms that consisted of mostly attractive girls in hot pink shirts, did not return for this season.
Lindsey – On the left in the pic. Arguably the fiercest competitor on the team, I’ve failed to adequately nickname her (WonderWall just hasn’t been rolling off the tongue). The only suitable group of adjectives to describe her bunts is “Downy soft.” As much as she wants to win the kickball league, her true heart’s desire is winning the social games for a night out on the Sammy’s Wolf Wagon.
Snacks, aka Chad – You probably noticed that it looks like his nickname is Chad and his real name is Snacks. Excellent observation because it’s totally true. The “Cannon of Denial” is a nickname for his arm, and if Tommy is this team’s soul, Snacks is the brain. An unquestioned field general whose nickname-earning appetite can be satiated by only two things: 87 pieces of sushi, and victory.
Steven, aka Special K, aka Polish Nightmare – The Nightmare is easily the most mercurial man on the roster, born with great athleticism (by social kickball league standards) and hair that flops perfectly when he runs, you can only count on him to show up to about a third of the games. He makes up for it by wearing cleats though. Can’t overstate that. When Steve walks to the plate, you can sometimes hear the outfielders thinking “Oh crap, he’s wearing cleats!” as they back up.
Sally, aka Sallymander – On the left. If Ballsagna are the first three-peat Chicago Bulls, then Sally is John Paxson. Perfectly accurate on offense, free of mental errors on defense, and always performing with a quiet consistency that makes her teammates feel safe. Every great team needs a Sally.
Justin, aka Jackhammer, aka Bald Eagle, aka Beefstick – There’s things we could say about the Jackhammer’s game, but the important things to know over the course of this season is that he will be my primary consultant on humidor use (stocking and upkeep), and most likely the prime host for football weekends in the fall. This tells you what kind of man he is. Oh yeah, he’s been known to wear camouflage hats.
Robby – Rookie of the year, easily (only because Henry R0wengartner refused my invitation to the team). Robby’s an all-star primarily due to his ability to actually process, ahead of time, what he should do with the ball if it’s kicked to him. It’s a big deal.
Kim – My only purpose in writing this description of our teammate Kim is to hope she reads it and feels pressured. Kim is dangerously flirting with all kinds of things, but the most important one is a potential “unreliable” reputation. Will she show up at a better rate than 1 out of 3 weeks? Stay tuned!!!
The Captain, aka Ryan – The sentence you are currently reading was to extend this paragraph and make the pictures fit. Now read on as if it didn’t exist: Can he marry you in international waters? Yes. Does he bare a striking resemblance to Jamie Kennedy? He kinda does. Will he end up with 12 children? That burden falls to the uterus of the special lady below.
Katie, aka The Captain’s Wife – Katie brings some sass to a mostly proper group of young ladies (a bit surprising considering our team name carries some “you have testicles resting on your flesh” implications). Katie’s like an injury-prone player, but instead of getting injured, she gets knocked up roughly 3 times a year (that’s an estimate. The “roughly” described how she got knocked up). Still, if I didn’t love all my teammates equally, Katie would be my favorite. She just loves the game a little more than the rest.
Brian, aka LeBrian Dreams – I remember when Steve Goldberg changed his name to LeBron James in honor of his favorite kickball player. Smooth move. LeBrian Dreams is the kind of guy that plays flipcup with tequila, kicks home runs after whiffing the pitch before, and pegs arrogant female runners that don’t respect the gun. In short, LeBrian Dreams is the perfect blend of Kenny Powers and Clint Eastwood. Since I didn’t have a picture, I placed the closest thing I could find.
Ashley – Does she run a bit too daintily? Yes. But, then again, I think of it like going to the gym. Would every girl be in better shape if they worked out like their name was Ivan? Of course, but who wants to be part of that gym? Ashley has a grand total of 4 games under her tutu, but she’s getting better. A fact she’s reminded me of an estimated 329 times.
Emilie – I know that she’s a competent flipcup player, and she learned her bunts from Lindsey, so they’re obviously money. Another rook, she feels like she’s got a lot of Sally potential in her game. If we’re sticking with the Bullsagna scenario (see what I did there?), the I’m going to deem Emilie as a young Steve Kerr (something feels great about equivocating all my female teammates to short, white, NBA players).
Emily, aka Not-So-Easy E – This pic is the worst reason to outsource your pic work. I’m assuming that Emily is in the purple jacket with a beer in her hand only because it seems like an Emily thing to do. Possibly our most athletic girl (so, like, the Steve Nash of the team), Emily is best known for getting up early (the natural enemy of postgame social festivities) and not responding to chain emails. But, you know, we love her.
Bradley – He’s out in right field for a reason. Kind of like the “Sleepy” Sam Perkins of the team. Long, rangy and more athletic than he looks, I can’t tell you how pleased i am with young Bradley’s performances thus far. This pic is the best reason to outsource your graphic work. I’m putting the over/under on Brad’s bench max at 175 lbs. Let the bidding begin.
Dustin, aka Dirty, aka Diesel, aka Stinky Ol’, aka The Real Deal – I put the balls in Ballsagna. ‘Nuff said ’bout that. I’ll own this picture thing. I had the power to bring in my own pic, but no, this is it. This is the beloved Feginn the Cat, aka Lion of Raleigh, aka bugslayer, aka #clawsonyodome.
Our team is currently 4-0 and undefeated in the social games, but with this many balls being kicked, you can never be too comfortable. Still, I feel good this season.
Wishing I were an American Gladiator,
Dusty “Thrust” Riedesel