Men, Don’t Read 50 Shades of Grey: Reason 1

When I posted “Do not read 50 Shades of Grey” as a best practice amongst unmarried males, I assumed it would be accepted as gospel.  Since then, I’ve probably had 29 conversations about a book I’ve never read.  While a few girls have a insisted it’s a love story, a few women have told me it romanticizes abusive sex.  I don’t know which one is true, and I really don’t care.  All I know is that whenever I think of a reason to reinforce this unresearched opinion, I’m going to post it.

Save your time, Men. we have been here before

While it’s fairly common knowledge that women want nothing more than a slovenly dressed man to sit on their couch as they cook and clean for him, they occasionally lose sight of those desires (my chauvinism feels like it’s running a little hot today).  Every couple of years we see a mythological titan of romance rise up in film and literature, and usually both.  The unwavering devotion of Noah Notebook and the fantastical attentions of Edward Twilight are literary figures holding testicle sheers. I distinctly remember two lines, one directed at me and one not.  “Why can’t you be more like Noah?” And, “Reading about Edward actually makes me hate you a little bit.”  You know what happened in both cases? The girls got over it until they found some new piece of estrogen crack, now appearing in the idea of Christian Grey.  So, men, if you feel so insecure that you need to peak into a woman’s fantasy world, feel free.  But this too shall pass, and you’re probably just wasting your time.

PS. This was written with the assumption that a man can’t have personal pleasure from 50 Shades of Grey as it falls under “girl-world” parameters. Meaning that if the initial consumer of a product is over 71% female, then said product is incapable of satisfying male consumers.  Famous examples of “girl world” products are purple gel pens, Nicholas Sparks novels, sequins, the Volkswagen Beetle, Vagisil, Easy Bake Ovens, napkins and picture frames.

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5 responses to “Men, Don’t Read 50 Shades of Grey: Reason 1

  1. Regina George

    I’ll own up to the Edward comment, but with several years hindsight, I realise – wow, was I actually pining for a codependent sociopath you’d staring at you every time you wake of from a deep sleep? Much as I hate to admit this, you’re right, total estrogen crack.

  2. Neckrolls4life

    Are we to expect a series of reasons why not to read this series or are you just declaring this the first and main reason?

  3. Interesting. Well, not so much, as I am thinking very condescending thoughts concerning your age and what i can only surmise to be your lack of experience in any grown woman’s boudoir. I once had a boyfriend who used to read cosmopolitan as insight into the female psyche. Having had lots and lots of sex with a variety of different partners, by far, he was the most erotic. As with all hoopla, there are some truths to be distilled from this book and some chaff to be discarded. I would only hope that what men gain from 50 shades is that women want more – more creativity, more talk, more play, more erotica… And if what men want is more sex, they might want to listen.

  4. Dustin Riedesel

    I don’t think Cosmo is going to be the most revealing insight into the psyches of grown women, but that’s probably why I cant penetrate their bedrooms (or anything else). How much does a Cosmo subscription run these days?

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