Monthly Archives: July 2012

Men’s Office Bathroom Etiquette

Guys, let’s face it, the Men’s bathroom at the office is a dangerous arena. You’ll notice I’m not referring to it as a “restroom” since that’s the absolute last thing you’d want to do in there. I mean, how do you “rest” when you’re trying to hold your breath for your entire visit to the can? Especially when you’re following behind one of the guys from Engineering and…(we’ll censor it there).

We’ve all seen Saved by the Bell and (insert any 90s teen show here) so we know the Ladies’ Room is complete with gossip, flowers and comfy couches. We don’t have that luxury. Just like the office place itself, the Men’s room comes with a set of very strict rules that shouldn’t (nay), WILL NOT be ignored. Lately I’ve noticed that guys in general have gotten pretty lackadaisical (I had to consult my roommate on that spelling – you don’t wanna know my initial spelling) on these rules. As a result, as a friendly reminder, I’ve outlined the rules that every man needs to know before you stroll in for your morning “break.”

Rule 1 – You’ve been taught that in the business world eye contact is essential for establishing respect and trust. Once you cross that tile threshold (or you’re eating a banana), this rule is turned on its head. Whether you’re making #1, washing your hands or exiting the room you do not, in any circumstance lock eyes with your fellow employees. It just creates an awkward situation for everyone. You, him, the janitor cleaning the sinks. Everyone.

So, where should I direct my eyes? Up. Down. Straight-ahead. To the right/left, if there’s a full wall. That’s it. No side-glancing. If you’re looking at me and talking to me while I’m taking a pee, and I don’t look at you, I still know you’re looking at me and you’re making me uncomfy.

(The exception – if the CEO is looking at you and talking business with you, damn it you lock eyes with that man and chat it up).

Rule 2 – The middle stall is just there for decoration. If that’s the only stall left, you have 2 options.
You can hold it and wait, or go to the other office bathroom. Close proximity makes this a difficult process for all parties involved.

Rule 3 – Nobody is impress with “Look Ma No Hands!” True story, there was a guy reading the paper hanging on the wall with his arms crossed and one hand on his chin like he was deep thought, admiring a piece of art. Nobody cares and in fact I was terrified to stand next to him for fear of pee on my shoes. When you were a kid, riding a bike with no hands was cool, but peeing with no hands does not make you Miles Davis. And don’t think that disobeying Rule 3 makes you exempt from Rule 4.

Rule 4 – Wash your damn hands with soap. Putting your hand under cold water for 1.58 seconds is not cleaning your hand. You know who you are.

If you’re like me, and are annoyed with the unsanitary, non-hand washers, take this diagram and hang it on the mirror in the bathroom.

Rule 5 – Remember that knit sign in your aunt’s bathroom that said “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seaty.” This rule still applies. And if you don’t follow it, there are cameras in the bathrooms, and you will be tracked down. I’m kidding, there aren’t any cameras, but clean up.

If you don’t like any of these rules, or feel the need to break any of them, my one piece of advice so that people don’t look at you like you’re a weirdo…become the CEO of the company. The rules don’t apply to you anymore.

Follow these rules and let’s bring civility and “rest” back to the Men’s room.

Staring straight-ahead,

tc

Man Up: Step up your Shoe Game (4 shoes you need to own as a grown man)

If there is one game the fairer sex has on us, its the shoe game. If there’s a second game women have on us, its mind games. We’re gonna focus on the former in this post. The latter, we’ll never figure out.

Forrest Gump once said “Momma always says there’s an awful lot you could tell about a person by their shoes. Where they’re going. Where they’ve been. I’ve worn lots of shoes. I bet if I think about it real hard I could remember my first pair of shoes.” Forrest taught us about a lot of things in life, and this is no exception.

From a business meeting, to a first date, to the gym, people are going to notice your kicks and then they’re gonna judge you…especially the lovely ladies. On an unofficial website “Art of Seduction – A Woman’s Perspective” your shoes are ranked #24 of the top 100 things a woman will notice about you. The chart says it all.

Clothing that attracts women

In the ensuing paragraphs I’m going to suggest 4 different styles of shoes that every grown man needs to own and leave it up to you to pick out the exact style that fits you. If you have em, great. If not, get em.

1. A formal pair of kicks. This is something my dad called “hard shoes” and people in the South call “church shoes.” Think of it this way, if your going somewhere in a suit or your girl is rockin’ her little black dress, put these on. Think business meeting, wedding, Easter etc. These treads can be either black or brown (get both if you have the dough). Lately wingtips have really taken off.  You know, like Nucky Thompson rocks in Boardwalk Empire. If the wingtip is a little too strong for your taste buds, stick to something like a cap-toe. Whatever you do, I’m BEGGING you, do not ever wear the square-toe dockers you get from Kohls for $35. People can tell.

NOOOOOO:

 

 

 

2. Business casual. This is a step down from the formal, but something you would sport on a date, at the office, downtown Saturday night and so on. There’s a lot of wiggle room here with the one rule that they have to look just as sharp with a pair of khakis as they do with a pair of jeans. This should be the most versatile pair of shoes on your arsenal; something you can wear everyday. I’ll even accept a boat shoe in this category (you’re welcome EVERY FRAT GUY IN THE SOUTH). Here are some examples of what I’m referring to:

Desert boots:

Oxfords/Saddle Shoes:

Driving shoes (Can’t figure out why they’re called that – I can drive in any shoe):

3. Casual sneakers. Pretty simple here guys – something you’d wear to a concert, a casual dinner, a cook out, etc etc etc. What I’m NOT referring to are the same sneakers you’re using at the gym. You want to look more a long the lines of a pair of Vans, Chuck Taylors, New Balance.  Something that you can rock with a pair of jeans and just as easily with a pair of shorts. I’m not gonna over complicate this. It’s simple. If you can’t figure this one out, may God have mercy on your sole (see what I did there?)

4. Your gym sneakers. True story, I went to college with a guy who’s gym shoes were 8 years old, and the sole of the shoe was duct taped to the rest of the shoe. But that was college – we had no money. Now that you’re making some dough, do yourself a favor in invest in some sharp gym shoes. Do you really think that cute girl on the elliptical isn’t checking you out top to bottom, finishing up with your kicks? You have a lot of choices here, but below are a few of my favorites:

Nike Free:

New Balance Minimus:

Reebok Nano: 

So guys – it’s time to take your shoe game a little more seriously.

Walk softly and swing a big stick,

tc

TwitterJams Q2!!! My Best Tweets from Q2 of 2012 (and some July)

Twitter’s out there, this we know.  Some people pour their soul into it, and God bless them.  I’m more of a tweet before I think kind of a guy.  Let’s walk back in time through my personal Twittersphere.

You can follow me @dustinriedesel

July

I wonder if I’d have to pay any copyright fees to Microsoft if I started calling my penis “PowerPoint”….or “Microsoft”

Sitting in my cube from 5:30-6:30 is like spending an hour in room 1408 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt045038 …

I’m the 99%

June

I’m jealous of Anthony Davis for one thing above all else, his own emoticon }:-)

Thursday is like a girlfriend that won’t put out.

Just discovered Bristol Palin (I’m fashionably late, so sue me). I find her attractive and don’t feel good about that

Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? #Archer

May

Female frugality ‪#ListOfTurnOns

Singing Shania Twain karaoke ‪#YOLO

Ryan Gosling: “I’m a grown-ass man.”

I’d like to write a satirical novella about climbing the corporate ladder as a salesman. I’d title it “Game of Phones”

There’s something majestically eerie about Laika the CosmoDog http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laika 

#writersblock I haven’t had it in…what’s a good word for “a long period of time”

“Follow my nose! It always knows! The flavor of fruit! Wherever it grows!” totally got lost in the Toucan Sam wiki page http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toucan_Sam 

April

I’m having a good cry while watching Field of Dreams. “I only knew him after he’d been worn down by a life”…wanna have a catch?

Is this Bieber-Gomez thing disturbing? It’s like we’re all parents to children who we forgot to have the birds/bees talk with.

Tell me girls aren’t going to want you if you’re wearing this shirt: http://images.jackthreads.com/data/products/ …

Did anyone else hear Obama say “they was” with Kellog? I don’t like his politics, but dangit he’s likable

#whathappenswhenyouusea#inthemiddleofa#?
@dustinriedesel

Because it’s been a while since I posted…

I’d like to share a few things that have been on my mind, even though I don’t have enough time to appropriately rant on them.

  • I’ll never be a part of the 1%.  But is it poor taste to brag about being part of the 36%?
  • I haven’t eaten a green vegetable that I personally prepared in my kitchen in over 4 months.
  • I’d rather look like a dude who doesn’t give a crap about style than look like a guy who cares too much about it.
  • Using the same sentence from above, replace the word “style” with “grammar”, “hygiene”, “the electoral college” and/or “Grey’s Anatomy”.
  • My favorite thing about 10-lb cats is that they walk with the exact same swag/saunter of 500-lb tigers.  Ironically, this is my least favorite thing about 5’6″ Italian guys.
  • I’ll bet the best way to get rich is to invest in poverty (worked for these guys).
  • If you only had 5 erections left in your life, and you were able to decide when you used them, would your ideas about monogamy change?
  • Wouldn’t it make more sense to tax on assets instead of income?  Sigh, they should really make you take macroeconomics after you’ve worked for a few years.
  • I’ll defend “Who Let The Dogs Out” as a quality song to anyone who will listen.

Felt good to get those thoughts out of the system. Be easy.

DR

Man Up: Stay Away from Tanning Beds

 

I was in the gym this afternoon (I work out) and heard 3 guys arguing over who gets the stand-up tanning bed. One proceeded to say “Yeah, I’m not gonna wear the tanning goggles” like he was some sort of rebellious bad ass. As a man who has never, and will never set foot in a tanning bed, I feel justified in venting about this.

I blame this all on Jersey Shore. Who ever decided to GTL (gym tan laundry for those new to the program) before that show ever came into existence?

Tanning beds didn’t even exist when your grandfather was our age. But he rocked the hell outta a farmer’s tan like he was a star character in “King of the Hill.” Yet he was still able to woo your grandma and now you have 7 uncles and 5 aunts and your grandpa is still a boss (RIP Pop Pop).

Your dad would rather be set on fire than ever set foot in a tanning bed. But he got your mom and they did it at least twice (or more depending on how many brothers/sisters you have). You know how your pops got a tan? He went outside during the day! Scary thought for those guys at the gym who only come out of their house for 2 reasons. Go to the gym. Go to the club with their Affliction t-shirt drinking vodka-Red Bulls because “We’re raging bro!”

I’m not arguing that being tan is a bad thing. In fact, in general people look sexier when they’re tan. As my buddy Stout famously said “If you can’t tone it, tan it. Even fat looks better tan.” So I thought it would be helpful to list for you some ways that our fathers got tan and still maintained their manhood. Feel free to try any of the options below:

  • Wash your car (not enough?)
  • Wash your 70 year old neighbors car
  • Hang out with friends at the pool/beach
  • Throw the frisbee (football, baseball, etc) at a park
  • Go for a jog (soft “j”)
  • Do some yardwork
  • Walk your dog (easy way to meet a girl, I promise)
  • Walk your neighbors dog

I could go on for days (that’s what she said) but I won’t because you get the point. Besides, do I really need to go into all of the health reasons for not going into a tanning bed? So lather up in some SPF 15 (or 30 or 50 depending on how opaque your skin is) and do something outside.

26.75 years tanning bed free,

tc