Man Up: Stay Away from Tanning Beds


I was in the gym this afternoon (I work out) and heard 3 guys arguing over who gets the stand-up tanning bed. One proceeded to say “Yeah, I’m not gonna wear the tanning goggles” like he was some sort of rebellious bad ass. As a man who has never, and will never set foot in a tanning bed, I feel justified in venting about this.

I blame this all on Jersey Shore. Who ever decided to GTL (gym tan laundry for those new to the program) before that show ever came into existence?

Tanning beds didn’t even exist when your grandfather was our age. But he rocked the hell outta a farmer’s tan like he was a star character in “King of the Hill.” Yet he was still able to woo your grandma and now you have 7 uncles and 5 aunts and your grandpa is still a boss (RIP Pop Pop).

Your dad would rather be set on fire than ever set foot in a tanning bed. But he got your mom and they did it at least twice (or more depending on how many brothers/sisters you have). You know how your pops got a tan? He went outside during the day! Scary thought for those guys at the gym who only come out of their house for 2 reasons. Go to the gym. Go to the club with their Affliction t-shirt drinking vodka-Red Bulls because “We’re raging bro!”

I’m not arguing that being tan is a bad thing. In fact, in general people look sexier when they’re tan. As my buddy Stout famously said “If you can’t tone it, tan it. Even fat looks better tan.” So I thought it would be helpful to list for you some ways that our fathers got tan and still maintained their manhood. Feel free to try any of the options below:

  • Wash your car (not enough?)
  • Wash your 70 year old neighbors car
  • Hang out with friends at the pool/beach
  • Throw the frisbee (football, baseball, etc) at a park
  • Go for a jog (soft “j”)
  • Do some yardwork
  • Walk your dog (easy way to meet a girl, I promise)
  • Walk your neighbors dog

I could go on for days (that’s what she said) but I won’t because you get the point. Besides, do I really need to go into all of the health reasons for not going into a tanning bed? So lather up in some SPF 15 (or 30 or 50 depending on how opaque your skin is) and do something outside.

26.75 years tanning bed free,


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