Monthly Archives: September 2012

Life Is A Spectator Sport

I’ve recently become aware that I’ve spent the majority of my life as a spectator.  This is a sad realization.  And it’s one I should have had sooner.  It’s the realization that I’ve taken the majority of my time to attend venues or events where I’m of lesser, if not least, importance than others.  The only solace I feel in this realization is that it’s not one I’ve suffered alone.  What am I talking about exactly?

Did you ever play a sport you weren’t good at?  And instead of spending your time in an area of your gifts like computer programming, you just show up season after season for your place on the bench? You may be on the team, but you’re a spectator.

Ever been to a wedding?  An event that begs your attendance merely to enjoy someone else’s enjoyment?  Even if you make time with a bridesmaid, you’re a spectator.  Ironically, crashing a wedding does not make you a spectator, but it probably makes you weird.

Do you like going to Chiefs’ games? Then you’re cool.  Do you like going to Cowboys’ games?  Even when Romo was Aikman, you were a spectator.

The people worth doing are off doing worthwhile things.  Write that down.  Turns out that watching Battlestar Galactica on Netflix with popcorn dust stuck in your chesthair doesn’t qualify.  Can’t keep being a spectator.

Have you ever seen another guy leave the room with the girl you didn’t talk to? You’re a spectator.  But don’t beat yourself up.  She was probably fat/ugly/club-thumbed/big-footed/mousy-looking/cankled/snaggletoothed anyway.

Have you ever spent your lunch hours reading a book instead of writing one? You’re a spectator.

Have you ever watched someone star in a summer blockbuster?  Yes.  Have you ever starred in a summer blockbuster?  No.  You’re a spectator.

Watch sports? Plays? Slam poetry? Yes.  Participate? No. You’re a spectator.

Thing is, that’s life.  Nobody shows up to watch me dial my sales phone or do my monthly load of laundry.  For most of us, that’s the way it is.  Because that’s the work of our life.  What do we do for sport? We spectate.  But every now and then, we get our moment in the sun.

Ever read the blog of a guy who spends most of his life spectating.  You’re eyes feel so good, spectator.

Sun-tanning,
Dusty

Man Up and Sock it to em

Well fellas, it’s that time of year. The time when sundresses become less and less, days are shorter and the temperature gets progressively cooler. This time of year means no more sandals/flip flops/tevas/etc and “sockless summer” is over. If you wear flip flops when the temperature is <70* because you claim “you’re lazy” or “it’s not really that cold,” I’ve got news for you; lazy = slob and it is that cold. No one wants to see your Casper white feet and vulture talon toe nails this time of year.

What point am I trying to reach? Now is the time of year to rock the sock! Not only does it keep your feet and ankles warm, but I promise you it’s going to attract some positive attention from the lady folk. Ever hear a girl talk about having to go the the mall to get a purse that matches her earrings, which complement her heels, which are a perfect color for her skirt? OK we mostly block that stuff out because, damn it, the games on!! The point is women are all about attention to details. As a guy, we’re not wearing 30 bracelets, earrings and heels, so we need to show some consideration for the details where we can.

Now enter your socks. Whether you’re headed to the office, dressing up for a wedding or just rockin’ some jeans out for drinks this weekend, some flashy foot coverage will amp up your style. Besides you really have no excuse. You can get so awesome styles for cheap from Target, Gap, JCrew, Urban Outfitters, etc. Not Wal Mart, never Wal Mart (or as my Grandma calls it The Walmarts).

Let me start by saying that if you don’t show even a small fraction of socks when you sit down then your pants are entirely too long. I’m not saying you should be walking around like Steve Urkel, but you should be shedding some sock when you sit down.

If you’re like most guys I know any time you dress up you’re probably wearing some plain, boring black socks. They’re probably the one’s you got for free when you rented your suit from Men’s Warehouse or After Hours in the mall for your 12th grade prom or your buddy’s wedding. Or, even worse, you wear your ankle cut gym socks with your new dress shoes. If this is you, you probably also have at least one cell phone clipped to your belt loop; please read on with an open mind.

Like no other part of your wardrobe, your socks are an article of clothing you can really take some chances. I own some pretty ridiculous socks (including socks with cartoon crabs on them: kinda like these) and every time I wear em I get dozens of comments from the ladies. Not only are they grabbing their attention, but they also say “Hey, I’ve got some style, I pay attention to the details and I like to have a good time.” The aforementioned black socks say “I look like your Grandpa when my pants come off.”

What I’m going to do below is start a little more conservative and advance to the much more bold. Start slow if you feel the need, but also don’t be afraid to throw on something with a little more flash. You won’t regret it. Scout’s honor (Disclaimer:  I was never a Boy Scout, so that meant nothing).

The Argyle: This is the classic dress sock. Comes in hundreds of colors and should be an essential part of your wardrobe. In fact, if you only have one pair, you’re losing. The argyle sock is an easy pull with a pair of oxfords or wingtips, but try switching it up and wearing them with a pair of Chuck Taylor’s or even a pair of casual New Balance.

The Stripe: This is one foot in, one foot out. You can find some pretty tame colored stripes which might be a nice entry point for you guys who’ve been stuck in the world of black dress socks. You can also find some pretty bold colors which take the striped sock to the next level. The stripe just let’s the people know you’re hear to have a good time.

The Polka Dot: This is the 3rd degree of flash. Don’t really have to say too much here. I think you get the point. Try throwing on a pair of yellow socks with white polka dots next time you suit up for a wedding and just count the number of compliments you get. Friendly wager – you’ll get more comments and compliments than the number of dots on your socks.

The Pattern: I’ve seen socks with mustaches, anchors, sharks, etc etc. These are not for the faint at heart. It’s a bold statement. It’ll get some positive laughs from the ladies (laughing like you made a killer joke, not like you just farted and picked your nose in public). If you’re not sure, just go for it.

Remember, the sock doesn’t necessarily have to match everything else you’re wearing. In fact, its better if it doesn’t, it’ll look like you’re trying too hard if it does! Try a blue and white plaid shirt with some jeans and a pair of red and green striped socks.

Sock it to em,

tc

Hello, Blogosphere. It’s me, Dusty. Are you there?

My co-starring penemy* just hit me up on the Facebook to tell me how grievously we’ve failed in our efforts to make the public give us attention.  I haven’t posted here on Writing Bareback since the second quarter**.  A mistake I now correct.

[*a phrase I’ve coined for an in-blog frienemy. In this case, Tommy Cooksey]
[**we run this blog like a failing business, where quarterly regression is tracked]

Put the failures of Q3 behind you, cause I’m back like the clap. Where have I been you ask? Oh you didn’t? Well let me tell you anyway.  My fingers tapped their way onto the pages of another site, and it’s nice over there. It’s safe.  PolicyMic has editors that guard me from making some overly self-indulgent creative mistakes.  If you’re one of the people that hasn’t picked up on the pun that is this site’s name, let me make it blunt.  The other site could just as easily be called Writing With A Condom On.  So that’s where I’ve been, and you can read any and all of those articles here.  But now I’m back like Jordan in 2001.

I’m back like Arnold in The Last Stand. And while the only man to dominate the physical, cultural and political worlds enjoys the lowlights of his twilight, I’ll be here to highlight the lowlights of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 (or whatever it’s called).

I’m back like the conservative movement in 2016, ready to forget about how crappy the election was 4 years ago.

I’m back like the dishwasher technology of 1985, showing up for 27 straight years with nothing new to make your life better.

I’m back like Jay Leno, leaving you really lukewarm about the fact that I ever left to begin with.

I’m back like Garfield in your Sunday paper, making you go, “Meh” with an inexplicable “why did I waste my time” bemusement.

I’m back.   And if you aren’t excited for that, then you’re probably a human being.  It’s good to see you again.