Monthly Archives: October 2012

Dr. Tom – Good Old War: “Amazing Eyes”

I was on Spotify today (if you aren’t, then you’re losing in life), and it suggested that based on my listening history, I would enjoy this song. Spotify, you couldn’t have been more right. (Side note, it also suggested an awful rap song called Bloggin Like a Boss. Guess I should stop listening to Bow Wow on Friday’s).

Today’s song comes from the group Good Old War (who I’ve told you about before here) and the song is Amazing Eyes. This comes off of their 3rd album which, if you don’t own, you need to.

Before I get into the song, I’m drawn to a girl’s eyes. Always have been. Blue. Green. Blue-green. Brown. Doesn’t matter. And I think every guy can agree (and every girl has done this) that a subtle wink, blink, whatever will make you wild. So naturally I’m biased toward this song.

The song opens up and the first 4 words are “You have amazing eyes…” and you’re like, “Come on Dr. Tom, how cheesy can you get?” Directly followed by “The right one’s suspicious and the left one wants my love” and you’re like “YES! All to familiar feeling. This girl likes me, but does she? I can’t tell. Why are girls so confusing?” Real doctor’s can’t answer this question so I won’t venture a guess.

Later in the song the verse comes in with “You’re a little bit broken, I’m a little bit broken. But when we put ourselves together, my oh my.” And now it all makes sense, we’re all just pieces of the same puzzle, and when you find that one piece that fits perfectly next to yours, you hold on to it! If you’ve ever tried putting together a 1,000 piece puzzle of a garden scene, you know how glorious it is finding 2 pieces that fit together.

So, let’s get on to it.

Love, love,


Kobe Bryant’s Diary: Setting The Foundations

After 16 years in the league, Kobe Bryant has decided to keep a diary to document “the year he caught Jordan”.  While Kobe refuses to remove the diary from a pedestal in his trophy room, he has allowed Writing Bareback the exclusive rights to post these excerpts.

October 30th – vs Dallas Mavericks

So much chatter on ESPN about whether or not I’d be playing in last night’s game.  Talk about a non-stroy.  I mean, it’s game one of my 16th season.  Like I told my reflection in the mirror this morning, I’ve been waking up as the best basketball player on the planet since I was 16 years old.  It’s not like missing one game is going to make me wake up on October 31st as some kind of non-best player like Darius Johnson-Odom.  Now that guy might be in trouble.  Not only does he have to constantly be compared to some imaginary Lakers’ mutant that takes all the best parts of Magic and none of the worst parts of Lamar, but the dude is only making $473,604 dollars this year! I mean, after taxes, he probably can’t even buy one Ferrari 458 Italia!  He got no run last night, and if he gets bounced from the league, he’ll be broke in two weeks.  I’d like to care more, but until he proves he can help my team win me my sixth ring, he’s just a practice dummy. A really cheap practice dummy.

We played the Mavericks last night, and when I think about two years ago, I’ll admit I’m truly embarrassed that my teammates let that Mavs team knock out of the playoffs that season.  Excuse me, my former teammates.  Despite what guys say, we’re not family, so when you’re gone, you’re gone. Finally got rid of the big men with weak minds (Lamar) and weak knees (Drew) and some other guys whose names I can’t remember.  Well, except Fish.  That guy stood by me for years while I won my first five rings, and it was tough to see him drop from the starting Lakers PG to a role player in OKC (a role player!).  But watching your peers age is just something you go through when you’re the greatest of all time. Like Bill and Michael and the previous GOATs, I’ll simply never drop off.  I think about all the guys that came in with me like AI, “Starbury” (LOL!) and “Employee #8” (LMFAO!!!).  Where are they now? I think about the guys that have hung around, and they’re barely hanging around.  Camby and Ray will be lucky to take 10 shots a game (combined!).  Steve is a pretty good ball player, but not only did he have to come here to LA to play with me for a shot at a ring, but he only had seven points and four assists last night.  Bet those MVP voters from 04-06 wish they could change their votes now!  I actually think I’m still getting better.  I can still come out in a game against the Magic and put up 45 shots. No one will say a word. Because what’s best for me is best for my team.

As for the game, of course I played. I shot 79% in a loss, which only tells me I’m deferring to my new teammates too much.  I’d be angry, but this is a good lesson for Dwight and Steve.  They need to fail early so they remember that I’m a champion and they are not.  They’re the ones that need to step their game up and I do not (even though I can’t help myself).  I think I’ll give them two more games to pick it up.  After that, I’m going to have to start shooting more.  After all, I’ve got the all-time scoring title to think about, and who knows what schemes Kareem’s cooking up to stop me. Sniper? Car wreck? Doesn’t matter. I can’t be stopped.

Alright, I’ve got about 6 hours of Googling myself to squeeze in before we take on the Blazers tonight.


Dr. Tom is Back in Business

Sorry I’ve been gone for so long. I really hope you can find it your heart to forgive me. It was brought to my attention last night by one of our female readers (*cough*cough*suz*) that I’ve been majorly slacking on the music front. Since Dustin and I are men of the people, I wanted to make sure I delivered immediately! Besides, I’m sure your life has been void of good music for a few months now. Hopefully you haven’t regressed back to listening to Creed and Bette Midler.

To make up for lost time, I’m going to prescribe you with 2 gems that are prime listening for the crisp fall weather.

After the Halloween festivities last night, you’ll need something calm, soothing and twangy (it’s actually a word). Something that reminds you of last night and is easy on your pounding hung over head. Ryan Adams had a phase mid-career where he was all about the twang – when he was Ryan Adams and the Cardinals. For tonight, give “A Kiss Before I Go” a listen. The chorus chimes in with “One shot, one beer and a kiss before I go..” Sounds like a pretty fitting way to leave the bar to me..

The next song you’ll be prescribed is another one from the vault. This is a song I’ve enjoyed since I was a confused, hopeless romantic 17 year old. 10 years later (wow…10 years) this song still hits me the same way. Copeland’s “Coffee” is a song for the lover in you. If you’re not afraid to be cheesy, turn this tune on and slow dance with your lady in the living room (27 and still a hopeless romantic). I also love coffee. I’m done talking, enjoy the tune!

Sorry for the several month hiatus; but I’m back!


5 Book Ideas That I’ll Never Write

Have you ever walked through a Barnes & Noble?  Have you ever wondered what it takes 1,303,406th ranked book on Amazon?  I have done both of those things, and they lead me only one conclusion.  It is not difficult to get a book published in this America of mine.  With that in mind, I’m brainstorming five fairly ridiculous ideas that I know I’ll never work on. Why? Feels like fun.

1. Syndication – When the nation of Ajir’s television rights fall under the monopolistic control of evil media mogul Rupert Turner, the only shows aired are horrendous, profit-driven reality shows.  In the basement of an abandoned TV studio, a 16-year-old genuis builds a team of androids programmed with the personalites of his favorite TV characters.  Together, they form a strike force to bring balanced programming back to primtime.  Coach Eric Taylor, Jerry Seinfeld, Angus MacGyver and BA Barrackus are the front line of Arash Kordestani’s new A-Team, fighting for the narrative television that his nation loves.

2. The Who Am US – One day, Alan Tremble feels an itch in the back of his head.  A few days later, he finds himself staring at people when he means not to.  Within a week, he is only occasionally controlling the words he speaks.  The words he doesn’t control tell him that they come from a man named Asa far in the future who has devised a means to tour through the past by nesting his consciousness in the minds of others, but Alan is the first mind he’s been able to influence.  Asa begins taking more control of Alan’s body, using his knowledge of future events to grant Alan fame and fortune.  In return, Alan must lend his body to Asa so that Asa can impact his own future for the better.  All the while, Alan fears that he’s going insane.

3. Planet Hollywood – When a mysterious catastrohpy kills everyone on the planet besides the 3,100 people attending the 86th Academy Awards, celebrities are left to re-start the human race…..There’s no way I can make this idea work. Screw it, we’re moving on.

4. Earl of Sandwich – High school juniors Earl Churassco and Earl Jibarito are losers. They have the bodies of 17-year-old infants with the wit and athleticism to match.  But when they step behind the counter of their local deli, they turn into virtuosso’s of their craft, whether on white or wheat.  Their few patrons know that “the boys” at Deli-icious makes the best sandwiches in town.  It’s a place of buns and puns, and it’s the only place that the boys feel at home.  When they get news that the deli is going to close down in a few months, they rent the movie Cocktail by coincidence.  Soon the boys are serving sandwiches with a little extra spice, and it’s not long before they’re the most famous deli-tenders in town.  Life is good until Wendy starts working at the deli, finding herself sandwiched between the two Earls’s affections.

5. The Last Rainbow – Liam McSweeney has lived at the end of a rainbow for 748 blissful years in a community of leprechauns.  Having been largely abandoned by the outside world, the leprechauns begin to speculate about whether or not they’re the last of their kind.  Liam is selected by elders to venture into the world and discover what has become of the mythical Irish race.  On a journey that takes him around the world, Liam encounters seductive selkies, mischievious scracs and even a horrifyingly capitivating Ouroboros.  He’s befriended on his journey by the irrascible John Gogam, who seems to know the answers to everything.  As they carry on, both John and Liam are forced to deal with the questions about what’s real, what’s imagined and what’s the difference?  The answers they’re searching for are not the same as the answers they find.

Top 5 Unlikely Places To Meet Ladies

So, I feel like I need some sort of preamble here, but the title is so obvious.  In the spirit of this column, this title is to descriptiveness what a nightclub is to finding women.  I think that makes sense. Tommy?…Yep, the T-Bone is playing a big role on this article.  His stuff’s in italics.

Honorable Mentions

The Airport – I get the allure.  You’re in a strange place, feeling like a domestic man of mystery.  Naturally you’ll want to run suave game at the bar of a Chili’s Too.  Knock yourself out! But remember that you’re running at 95% chance of a long distance relationship, meaning all the talking and…and…nope, it’s just talking.  The airport makes the list only because nearly every man has fallen in love once during air travel.

Look for the one drinking a beer. If she’s sipping wine she’s way to bougie and likely not open to engage in any kind of meaningful convo with you. Very effective here if you have a layover somewhere. You notice an attractive young lady at your hometown airport, then notice that you’re both lined up in the same gate to catch your connecting flight. Is there an easier conversation starter? If all else fails just use the classic Dumb and Dumber line “Why ya at the airport? Flyin somewhere?” (that’s not exact, but I bent to make it fit this scenario).

The Gym – Testosterone is running high. Your biceps are looking 17% better than usual.  You could probably bed an Amazon and enjoy it in this atmosphere.  The only things working against the gym is that a girl you meet there goes at the same time as you, meaning if things go badly, you or her will probably have to switch routines (or worse, act like adults).  And if it does work out, you’re building a relationship around physical fitness, which is kind of against most of the benefits of male monogomy.

I’m not quite as fond of this one. I like a girl that’s in the gym with a purpose, like I am. She’s getting her sweat on and working hard. I don’t want to be the guy who makes her take her headphones off to make small talk. But join a spin class, yoga class, something in a group setting. Go a few weeks in a row and then chat her up. “The spin instructor really brought it today huh?”

The TOP FIVE!!…!!!

5. Harris Teeter – It was almost too obvious to make the list.  There’s a million conversation starters no matter if you’re in the melons, the canned goods, or deli meat sections.  It’s hard to look like a loser in the grocery store (“Look at this fine young man planning for his week’s sustenance, and he must be able to pay for it!”).  You’re going to go anyway, might as well throw it into you’re hunting grounds rotation.

Notice this is Harris Teeter. If you don’t have a Teeter near you, just think of that middle of the road grocery store in your city. You want to stay away from Food Lion’s …for obvious reasons. I could even make a case for something more upscale and organic like Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods. The women in here take their grocery shopping VERY seriously and as an amateur organic shopper you could use a little help. Ask the cute girl in the produce section, not the 40 year old with arm tattoos and 80’s hair behind the counter.

4. Target – I’ve been to Target at all sorts of hours.  I waited for the doors to open one morning so I didn’t have to wear the same shirt to work two days in a row.  I’ve been there as it was closing to pick up frozen pizza.  I’ve been in there barefoot to buy sandals. I’ve been to Targets in six different states! Throw all the scenarios out the window! Every single time, there has been an attractive female there! Every time.

I echo everything Dusty said here. I’ve never not seen an attractive female in my many, many trips to Target. The danger here is like everyone’s danger when going to target; you go in to buy deodorant and walk out with t-shirts, bag of candy, windex, gum and a candle and you just dropped $100. I feel the only reason it didn’t rank higher on the list is because its not as easy to make convo as it is in the final 3.

3. Barnes & Noble – My personal favorite actually. One, it seems like a place rapists wouldn’t go, and if they did, they’re probably only the statutory variety.  Two, a man in the bookstore is making a statement. He’s analog, baby! Which means he doesn’t need to use an iPad to ignore you. Thirdly, you have a literal catalogue of conversation starters around you. “So you’re into Viatnamese travel books, huh? How do you feel about Viatnamese cuisine?” That’d probably work, like, 10% of the time.

No comment here, I buy my books on Amazon. I border on the edge of Analog and Digital. Maybe I need to give this a shot?

2. Starbucks – Duh. If there’s one thing hot girls don’t do, it’s go off-script with their coffee.  They go to Starbucks and order exactly what they like, even at a premium price. No surprises and no disappointments. That’s where you come in…

OR find some local coffee shop and make this your GO TO spot. Get to know the owner a little, try different stuff per the owner’s recommendations. Then when the woman of your dreams walks in, simply make a suggestion as “You know the owner.” A girl going to a local coffee shop has great taste and is looking for something a little off the beaten path. Next thing you know, you and her are talking about how good the Heath Bar latte is she’s drinking and about this awesome, informative yet playful blog you write…

1. Small Concert Venues – Ok you may need a wingman/woman for this event because you don’t want to just show up at a concert alone, but if you’re feeling strong, go at it alone! This is ideal since even if you come up empty, you still got a see a great live show. If you don’t really like music (you have no soul) then this option is likely not for you. I recently went to a show to see The Lumineers (who you first heard of here). There was no more than 300 people in this venue, packed in singing Lumineers jams at the top of their lungs. You stroll back to the bar, see the cutie you’ve been wanting to talk to and let her know “This PBR is on me.” Then, drink, dance, sing. Enjoy.

I’ve always believed in magic, the inexplicable stuff that sticks two out of 6 billion together.  Music can still create it. But I also believe in a little something called chemistry.  “You’re poor and culturally snotty? I’m poor and culturally snotty!  I think we have some common ground here.”