Daily Archives: October 19, 2012

5 Book Ideas That I’ll Never Write

Have you ever walked through a Barnes & Noble?  Have you ever wondered what it takes 1,303,406th ranked book on Amazon?  I have done both of those things, and they lead me only one conclusion.  It is not difficult to get a book published in this America of mine.  With that in mind, I’m brainstorming five fairly ridiculous ideas that I know I’ll never work on. Why? Feels like fun.

1. Syndication – When the nation of Ajir’s television rights fall under the monopolistic control of evil media mogul Rupert Turner, the only shows aired are horrendous, profit-driven reality shows.  In the basement of an abandoned TV studio, a 16-year-old genuis builds a team of androids programmed with the personalites of his favorite TV characters.  Together, they form a strike force to bring balanced programming back to primtime.  Coach Eric Taylor, Jerry Seinfeld, Angus MacGyver and BA Barrackus are the front line of Arash Kordestani’s new A-Team, fighting for the narrative television that his nation loves.

2. The Who Am US – One day, Alan Tremble feels an itch in the back of his head.  A few days later, he finds himself staring at people when he means not to.  Within a week, he is only occasionally controlling the words he speaks.  The words he doesn’t control tell him that they come from a man named Asa far in the future who has devised a means to tour through the past by nesting his consciousness in the minds of others, but Alan is the first mind he’s been able to influence.  Asa begins taking more control of Alan’s body, using his knowledge of future events to grant Alan fame and fortune.  In return, Alan must lend his body to Asa so that Asa can impact his own future for the better.  All the while, Alan fears that he’s going insane.

3. Planet Hollywood – When a mysterious catastrohpy kills everyone on the planet besides the 3,100 people attending the 86th Academy Awards, celebrities are left to re-start the human race…..There’s no way I can make this idea work. Screw it, we’re moving on.

4. Earl of Sandwich – High school juniors Earl Churassco and Earl Jibarito are losers. They have the bodies of 17-year-old infants with the wit and athleticism to match.  But when they step behind the counter of their local deli, they turn into virtuosso’s of their craft, whether on white or wheat.  Their few patrons know that “the boys” at Deli-icious makes the best sandwiches in town.  It’s a place of buns and puns, and it’s the only place that the boys feel at home.  When they get news that the deli is going to close down in a few months, they rent the movie Cocktail by coincidence.  Soon the boys are serving sandwiches with a little extra spice, and it’s not long before they’re the most famous deli-tenders in town.  Life is good until Wendy starts working at the deli, finding herself sandwiched between the two Earls’s affections.

5. The Last Rainbow – Liam McSweeney has lived at the end of a rainbow for 748 blissful years in a community of leprechauns.  Having been largely abandoned by the outside world, the leprechauns begin to speculate about whether or not they’re the last of their kind.  Liam is selected by elders to venture into the world and discover what has become of the mythical Irish race.  On a journey that takes him around the world, Liam encounters seductive selkies, mischievious scracs and even a horrifyingly capitivating Ouroboros.  He’s befriended on his journey by the irrascible John Gogam, who seems to know the answers to everything.  As they carry on, both John and Liam are forced to deal with the questions about what’s real, what’s imagined and what’s the difference?  The answers they’re searching for are not the same as the answers they find.

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