Monthly Archives: February 2013

How Does One Find Writing Bareback? With a Filthy Mind

When you’ve ascended to receiving hundreds to singles of readers a day (routinely!), and when your material is as diverse as mine and the T-Bone’s, you start wondering what kind of sweet saccharin is attracting these flies. Fortunately for us, we don’t have to go too far for the answers. As you can tell by our non-vanity URL, we’re humbly hosted on WordPress.com. Amongst other things, WordPress show us the search terms that filth like you type into their Googles, Bings and Excites to find Writing Bareback.

There have been some gems in our first 13 months of blogging. “Kobe Bryant” remains the top search term by guiding 966 souls to the blog, and he’ll stay there considering Kobe’s promise to re-release excerpts of his private journal once the Lakers are at a .500 record. But forget popular, here’s a smattering of my favorite searches: “hannah storm facelift” “great quotes from great thinkers” “grown man shoes” “clit lit” “the strongest ninja turtle” “how long has james harden been growing his beard” “www.prounc.m” “converse one star bathing suits” “arpf duke” “emma stone lookalike” “ironic mustache” “best pet for single guy” “if you sprinkle when you tinkle sign” “bareback guys” “bareback girls” “bareback etiquette” “beard and buddy bareback” “don’t mess with kansas either” “ku homophobia towards k-state” “hannah storm black guys”.

Then last night, I get a text from Tommy that says “best search term ive ever seen” followed by this pic.google search

My first impression was a pretty visceral image that made me feel violated. Then I realized that “dusty” was probably an adjective to describe summer, and my disgust turned to wonder. What a super specific search term this guy/girl/gender confused person was using. And what could it have been about our blog that drew this being in rather than seeking out its intended destination? So I searched it, and sure enough, we’re search returns 3 and 4. ACTUAL google search

As you can see by the search, it is in fact Tommy’s fault as much as my own for making this site so ambiguously gay. Maybe we didn’t realize that “bareback” was a prominent term in the gay community when we titled this blog. Maybe we did. But compiling a list of “Cruisin Tunes” on a blog with “Bareback” in the title was deviously misleading. I’d like to apologize to all the gay men who have been disappointed upon clicking into this blog. Our bad. Maybe we’re suppressing something.

To all the people that keep on searching for “hannah storm black guys,” you really need to expand your erotic palette.

To all the people who search for “great quotes from great thinkers,” we’ll see you where the mind meets enlightenment.

From one of your 400 favorite blogs,
Dusty

Breaking Hip: Cool’s Little Brother Has Grown Up, Part 1

Tommy’s been getting on me about my sluggish writing routine lately. Truth is, I’ve been working on longer projects, and I’ve been a crappy blogger. So I’m going to start posting some longer stuff in 500 word chunks. This is one of those chunks.

We’re all in uniform

I don’t know the etymology of the word “hip,” and I don’t know how it has come en vogue over the last few years. Both those drops of knowledge seem like something an actual hip person would know, and if there’s one thing I am not, it’s hip. Trust me. I stayed out of the bottom bracket of Tommy’s “how hip are you” quiz only because the only pair of sunglasses I own happened to be wayfarers that I found on the side of the road while I was on a walk. Had they been any kind of indistinguishable style, they’d still be the only sunglasses I owned, but I’d officially be unrecognized by all the modern metrics of “what it is.”

Don’t get me wrong, I know what it is to be cool. Because I Googled it and read about it on Wikipedia. And as far as I can tell, the coolest thing you can do is not give a shit about what’s cool. You know, just be yourself. That’s probably the truest advice for being cool if, you know, you ignore everything that being cool has become.  Cool is an aesthetic. You can build cool. What do you think Nike’s been doing all these years? “Just do it,” right? Don’t over think it like a nerd, just do it. I miss that marketing campaign because I miss when it was cool to be cool. Now it’s cool to be hip, and the more that happens, the less cool will exist at all.

I’d like to believe that all the uncool kids got together on Facebook or Twitter—hell, it was probably Path or some medium you have to bench press under 185 lbs to join—and realized that Huey Lewis was right, and it is hip to be square. Then as a united front they bought the spandex jeans, psychedelic socks, ironic t-shirts, 38 scarves and tweed jackets on their way to listen to a Huey Lewis cover band at a beer-stained dive in Nashville that still allows them to smoke their American Spirits indoors. They probably Instagrammed the band with their iPhone 5, which you know they have because it’s, “The biggest thing to happen to the iPhone since the iPhone,” right? Don’t over think it like a nerd, because you’re not a nerd. You’re hip.

Turns out it didn’t happen that way. Turns out this subculture of cool has always existed, and hip is just our contemporary lot. In fact, my coblogger Tommy tells me there’s a pretty established timeline that runs from hippie to grunge to ghetto to preppy to hipster. Hipsters would have you believe that they’re different from hippies, but they’re only as different as three decades and a digital revolution can make you. And, in my opinion, it’s mostly just a noise difference. Kerouac would probably have just been a blogger today. Nirvana would be a non-selling band on iTunes (which probably means Kurt Cobain is still alive, however that makes you feel). And Eminem would still be Eminem, but he’d be dressed like Dwyane Wade instead of Allen Iverson.

The clothes kind of say everything. We’re all in uniform, after all.

….part 2 coming soon.

“Where I’ve Been Online” Wednesday, 2/20/13 – Being Uncool

In a triple-threat effort to entertain, self-aggrandize and be less creative, I’m going to start sharing where I’ve been on the Internet every Wednesday. Because of the alliterative sweetness of double W’s, I’m fairly confident this will be a big hit. Here’s where I’ve been this week:

OTL: Michael Jordan Has Not Left The Building, espn.com – Every time I read one of these pieces that gets close to Michael the man instead of the player, I find myself split between jealousy of his natural-born ambition and relief that I don’t have it. His ambition was fostered as competitiveness and is now loathed as restlessness, but it’s the defining answer to “Who is Michael Jordan?” He’s a man who couldn’t handle losing. And for all of us stuck on our long journeys to the middle, his refusal to join our mindset that “good is okay” even in a league of elites like the NBA is illogically splendid.

Green Lantern: The Animated Series, 1channel.ch – Being a nerd is like being into pornography. People don’t really give you a hard time as long as you keep it behind closed doors. Confession: I’m a huge nerd (which is only a little different than being the kind of “uncool” that Lester Bangs talks about), and when you live with other men, it’s not cool to jam up the shared DVR with the DC Nation animation block on Cartoon Network. So instead, I’ve been enjoying Hal Jordan and Kilowog on this pirate-streaming site that is probably giving me way more viruses than porn ever would.

Panopticon, Wikipedia.org – I read the word “panopticon” in a description of the lonely limousine that whisks bachelorettes away from their chance of winning love (read: 3-6 month doomed engagement) on reality TV. It was a first for me, so I googled it and found myself traveling from word to architectural musing to literary metaphor to social theory. A panopticon is an improsenment where the prisoner can never tell whther he or she is being watched. I’m pretty sure parents have pulled “God is watching” or “Santa is watching” for centuries, and it’s a pretty effective means of instilling discipline. FYI, your work is probably monitoring your internet history.

@kuboobs, Twitter.com – University of Kansas has pretty much dominated social media this year. We’ve already covered that this university has the coolest sports team of the year, and they’ve re-proven that with their Harlem Shake video. And while I have to give @clubtrillion credit for first bringing @kuboobs to my attention, hearing Jeff Withey call it out as Travis Releford’s favorite person to follow on Twitter during College Gameday this week had me scoping out the gallery of juggs like a hawk. A hawk for juggs. A Jugghawk.

Reader Submission of the Week

[via gchat]

Patrick: http://thenextweb.com/shareables/2013/02/15/watch-insane-dashboard-footage-of-the-russian-meteor-strike/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=share%2Bbutton&utm_content=Watch%3A%20Incredible%20dashboard%20footage%20of%20the%20Russian%20meteor%20strike&utm_campaign=social%2Bmedia
Dusty: that’s crazy
Patrick: transformers are back for real
Dusty: robots in disguise

Nice week for the Internet really. Have a good Wednesday.

Green Lantern 2 will be better,
DR

Man Up – DO NOT dress like Michael Jordan…oh and Happy Birthday MJ!

Michael Jordan did many things great. Dominated the NBA. Dominated the Olypmics. Dominated the Monstars. Posted respectable numbers in baseball (have you ever tried hitting an 80 mph curve right after seeing a 96 mph heater?). Commandeered the most sought after shoe line ever. And with ESPN and everyone else wishing today was an MJ Bday Holiday, he even turns 50 better than anyone else. Happy Birthday MJ.

People have said MJ is the greatest competitor of all time which was seen in his play on the hardwood, golf course, playing poker, tying his shoes faster, etc etc etc. But one thing that the G.O.A.T. has yet to figure out is how to dress himself like a multi-millionaire, respectable adult male. If he took his competitive nature to dressing we might see him looking classic like D-Wade or Kobe Bean Bryant.

Unless MJ is competing to be the worst dressed athlete on the planet, he is failing miserably at the style game.

So, Happy Birthday MJ, and use some of that birthday cash to do the following: Step 1: Buy a book of matches.

Step 2: Burn all of your current wardobe

Step 3: Hire a personal stylist

Step 4: Let them buy everything for you. Don’t get involved…at all!

Thanks to http://wtfismikewearing.tumblr.com/ for the images. Check out their site for dozens more!

tc

The Music Alley: Songs with “Love” in the Title – My Top 5

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. Make sure you Instgram a picture of the flowers you got along with the cards and candy. A piece of advice I received from a professional photographer, turn your camera (phone) at a 45 degree angle to make a boring picture more appealing to others.

I thought it would be a fun activity today to post 5 of my favorite songs that have the word “love” in the title. Obviously there are hundreds (thousands?) of songs with this word in the title, but 1. I don’t have that kinda time and 2. I’d like you to post your faves in the comments section below.

Remember today; embrace love of all kind. Oh and don’t be a dick (I think those apply for every day, but try a little harder today).

1. Ace Enders and a Million Different People – Bring Back Love. Ace has written just about every song in his history of song-writing about love. But this one has a special place in my heart. I think you’ll thoroughly enjoy it as well.

2. John Legend – I Love, You Love.  Ok, look, I really like John Legend. The dude has an silky smooth voice, talented pianist (hehe) and has one of the cleanest cut beards known to man. But some of his songs just get to repetitive and I find it hard to get through. I Love, You Love is not like that. Enjoy.

3. Boyz II Men – I’ll Make Love to You. 23 Million Youtube views CAN’T be wrong, and the script and soft lighting of the video are SO 90’s  and quasi-porn. And the costume changes, could they possibly make anymore in a 4:19 video?Irrelevant. This song has been baby-making music since 1994 and hasn’t lost steam since then. So “pour some wine, light the fire” and listen. (Editor’s note: There is a incriminating video of me singing this song on a friend’s phone. I hope that phone gets dropped in the toilet.)

4. The Monotones – Book of Love. I’m a sucker for doo-wop, soda fountain 50-60’s music. I’d like to think of these guys as kind of a pre-Boyz II Men power group with their dancing and spot on harmonies.

5. The Beatles – All You Need is Love. How could The Beatles not make this list? Rock n’ Roll was founded on love and broken hearts. These guys are the birth of modern Rock n’ Roll (and probably experimenting with drugs) and the cry “All You Need is Love” has been shouted for generations!

I hope everyone has an awesome Valentine’s Day and let us know your favorite “love” in the title songs in the comments!

tc

How ‘Hipster’ are you? A 10 Question Quiz to determine your level of ‘hipness’

Much like the words “literally” and “ironic” I’ve found the word “hipster” to be an overused and inaccurately pinned word. Much like the former 2 words, it seems people don’t generally understand that it makes no sense to use the word “literally” followed by some exaggerated statement; “I literally at like 100 hot dogs on Memorial Day.” Or when someone uses “ironic” in place of “coincidence” like their interchangeable words. Sorry, you’re not Eli Whitney.

So too is the word “hipster.” Just because something/someone is slightly different or trendy doesn’t make it/them a hipster. Now you’re wondering, “Am I a hipster?” I’ve put together a 10 question quiz below for you. Answer honestly. At the end, total all of your points (answers numbered 1-4) to see just how hip you really are.

Question 1: It’s your turn at the bar. The bartender asks “What can I get you?” you reply:

  1. Bud Light
  2. Jack and Diet Coke
  3. Do you have any local microbrews?
  4. PBR. Tall Boy.

Question 2: Your plans for this weekend are?

  1. Rager. Hangover. White boy wasted.
  2. Hosting a “Beers from Around the Globe” party
  3. Blogging.
  4. Checking out a new art gallery and shopping at the farmer’s market

oOoOoO Look at that sweet filter!!!

Question 3: What is your primary means of transportation?

  1. Pick-up truck
  2. SUV
  3. Prius
  4. Fixie (if you don’t know what this is, don’t Bing it, just choose 1, 2 or 3).

Question 4: How would you describe the pants you’re wearing today?

  1. Shorts. I always wear shorts.
  2. Pleated khakis
  3. Not sure, my wife/girlfriend bought me these
  4. Skinny jeans. But definitely long enough to cuff

Question 5: In your closet right now you have ___ plaid shirts?

  1. Does a polo shirt count?
  2. 1-3
  3. 4-6
  4. 7+

Question 6: Are you going to see the Black Keys on tour this summer?

  1. I LOVE the Black Eyed Peas!
  2. Is it part of the Country Mega Ticket? No? Then, no.
  3. Yeah I’ll go. It’s gonna suck sitting in the lawn when I saw them in the pit at Bonnaroo TWO YEARS AGO. They were so much better then.
  4. No. As far as I’m concerned, they’re way too commercial. El Camino might as well have been written by Nickelback.

Question 7: My current mobile phone is a _______.

  1. Android
  2. Flip phone…but its got a QWERTY keyboard!
  3. iPhone 4 (or lower)
  4. iPhone 5

Question 8: What is your go-to Instagram filter?

  1. What the hell is an Instant Gram? I don’t do drugs.
  2. Kelvin
  3. Walden
  4. Nashville

Question 9: When the sun is shining bright you always reach for your _____.

  1. Visor
  2. Oakleys
  3. Aviators
  4. Ray-Ban wayferers

Question 10: Summer is coming, what type of pants/shorts will you be rocking?

  1. Budweiser swim trunks. Can’t go wrong there. (If you truly choose 1, please see this link for help)
  2. The shortest coral shorts I can buy from J.Crew
  3. Well-fitted khaki shorts.
  4. Cut-off skinny jeans, that I cut into shorts myself.

Now based on your selections, add up your point totals…(drum rolllllllllllll)

If you totaled:

10-17 – My my, how the roles have reversed. You used to be the cool jock/homecoming queen scoring all of the attention from the opposite sex. Now you lack any culture, sense of style or music and that skinny jeans, plaid shirt wearing hipster is getting all the love. It’s ok though, you’ll still be a shining star at frat parties and Kenny Chesney concerts!

18-25 – You’re in luck! You have some sense of fashion OR irony OR culture; but you don’t have it all. You probably have no idea what a vlog is, or have probably never eating a vegan chicken nugget (OMG so GOOOODDD) In some social settings you have idea of what is cool and trendy, but your grandma and her retirement home, bridge-playing friends think anything post WWII is “the trendy thing the kids are getting into these days.” Embrace the part of you that’s hip, and work hard “hipping” up the rest (but don’t try too hard because that’s just not cool).

26-33 – In most situations people are probably going to call you a hipster. You’re never seen without a pair of skinny jeans, a plaid shirt, an ironic (not really ironic anymore) mustache while sipping on 24oz of the Blue Ribbon. Hell you might even blog about music, style and what makes a hipster. But something’s missing. You’re just not as plugged into the hipster social and music scene like you should be. Your more hipster friends will accept you and celebrate when you’re around. But when you’re not, they’ll secretly scoff at the fact that you don’t own a fixie all while they Instagram pictures of their 100% local grown and raised organic meal with a kick-ass Nashville filter.

33-40 – You’ve done it. You’re hip. You and your friends were hipsters before being a hipster was the hip thing to do. What others call skinny jeans you call jeans. What the general public calls “a new CD” you call a “viynl.” You always know what’s going on downtown and if it involves art or local food, you can bet you’ll be riding your fixed gear bike to that event and judging the hell out of everyone there who DARES to show up without a proper fitting cardigan or blazer. But you didn’t need some test to tell you that. In fact, if you scored >33 you probably stopped reading at the title (because reading blogs is so 2012). So these last 60 words or so are probably a waste of space.

Images {IMG Donkey Pitchfork  The State Hornet  Neatorama Cyanide and Happiness {The Atlantic}

“Where I’ve Been Online” Wednesday, 2/13/12

In a triple-threat effort to entertain, self-aggrandize and be less creative, I’m going to start sharing where I’ve been on the Internet every Wednesday. Because of the alliterative sweetness of double W’s, I’m fairly confident this will be a big hit. Here’s where I’ve been this week:

Toledo Runners Sex Scandal, Deadspin.com Any story that focuses on the always poignant “when does it become rape” debate is sure to entertain. In those regards, this one did not disappoint. In a nutshell, a cross country coach was banging his players, and one girl turned him in using saved texts as evidence (not proof) of the man’s nigh-rapiness.

Allow me to ramble for a moment.

While there are a lot of things to talk about here, I think one is more interesting than all the others. Given the ever-changing digital landscape, aren’t we at a historical high point for chances of a criminal (or at least job-threatening) level of creepiness getting recorded? That age-old wisdom of “anyone over half your age plus seven years is okay to date” might be going out the window. If I’m 38, there’s a solid chance that I’m over-extending myself on a medium I don’t understand (gTalk, Facebook, new phone operating systems, anything cloud-based, “I didn’t know they could screenshot my self-deleting SnapChat”, etc). I used to tell people, “Get in shape or date older.” Now I’m going to tell people, “Be on the bleeding edge of technology or date older.” In the future, I’ll tell people, “Don’t be a cheating, rape-prone deucher.”

Adam Carolla Podcast w/ Sasha Grey, AdamCarolla.com – I’m a podcast fiend. I listen to them in my car, in the shower, on busses, while working out, cooking, and cleaning if I did that. Adam Carolla was SO money  on this particular pod. Phrases worthy of highlight:
-“The jet ski by the river is the natural predator of deusche bags.”
-“My sexual style is ‘nothing to prove.’”
-“You don’t dabble in rape.”

Inside the Battle of Hoth: The Empire Strikes Out, Wired.com

I have other interests besides ex-pornstar podcasts and college sex scandals. How can you not enjoy trolling THE MOST BELOVED SEQUEL OF ALL TIME? Breaking down grievous strategic mistakes by the Intergalactic Empire’s military with rich textual and diagrammed detail, the article really sums up all you need to know about Emperor Palpatine’s fall from rule: Don’t place unaccountable religious fanatics in wartime command.

Arcadia Fire’s “Wake Up” lyrics, azlyrics.com – Every now and then you hear a song randomly and it touches you, then you go read the lyrics you were only kind of listening to and you realize that what you thought was a light nostalgic caress was really a surgical strike to heartfelt regrets. Grow the hell up and stop wasting your opportunity to live life the right way….good tune.

Dom Mazzetti vs Stuff, Youtube.com – This is one of those black holes in the YouTube-verse where 45 minutes passes with corn-like ease. It’s NSFW unless you have headphones, so you know it’s good. You prob want to start with the YOLO video below, but they’re all the same “guido riffs hilariously on life” concept. My favorite line from the ones I’ve watched: “Dieting is like relationships. It’s not cheating if you’re drunk.”

Reader Submission of the Week

How did I find the other stuff? Who knows, but every week I’ll place my favorite thing that a reader sent to me. This week:

From: Cball
Subject: One for Mr. Cooksey
Comment: Something that touches on how ridiculous hip hop has gotten.  This video may give you some creative inspiration:

 

Well, I didn’t turn that into anything other than what it is, but it is appreciated nonetheless. Well, I’m off to explore more of the final frontier, which would be the Internet and not “ugly chicks” as Dom Mazzetti would tell you.

See you next week,
Dusty