I’m Getting Older: A Pre-Eulogy to my Youth

Last night I played five, full-court games of pickup basketball. We played to 12 by all ones. I’m pretty sure I was tied for the oldest guy playing (seriously, Matt “Burger” Pittman and I were a synchronized birth on 10/12/85, from crowning to clearance), and I should have stopped after game three. Today, my hips feel like they are connected to my torso with frayed yarn. My ankle is slightly swollen, and I can’t explain why my shoulder blades hurt. This is just the most recent in a series of signs that I’m aging. It might be time to salute my youth and gracefully fade into a recliner. Other signs:

  • Last week I did my laundry even though I had three pairs of clean underwear left.
  • I started hanging out with a 21-year-old girl at 4pm last Saturday. When my roommate returned home at 6am from his nightshift, he snapped a photo of me that should probably be turned into a demotivational poster (I intended to post this picture. It’s hilarious, but frankly, the “growing up” part of me advised against it).
  • My diet on Monday-Thursday consists of different variations of water, tilapia, broccoli, blueberries, chicken breasts, greek yogurt, cottage cheese, celery, carrots, whey protein, tuna, oatmeal and raisins. I feel great on these days.
  • My diet on Friday-Sunday consists of different variations of non-water, cheese, any meat, and any carb. I feel like Fred Dukes on these days, but less mobile.
  • I’m afraid to do a big yawn because there’s a 78% chance that my back cramps up.
  • I’ve been playing board games. Turns out playing a board game is way easier than going to a club or a bar or even leaving the house.
  • Sometimes, on Thursday, I don’t do anything because I have work on Friday.
  • People are actually making less fun of my thinning hair. This can only mean it’s finally getting thin enough that people actually feel bad about making jokes. Do me a favor people, and tell me my hair reminds you of an aging Hugh Laurie.
  • Grey beard hairs? Check.
  • Complete understanding of text lingo? Nope. I’ve really only mastered “ne14kfc”
  • I love KFC.
  • I also love Cracker Barrel, Shoney’s and the IHOP (for breakfast, not sixthmeal).
  • My left pinky fell asleep while typing this post.

So here I am, a strong, virulent, horse of a man at the twilight of my powers. 27 feels like the new 71. I actually had a headcold back in December. That hadn’t happened since before puberty. Whatever. I’m at peace with it. Hard candies and slippers, here I come.

Cracking open an ensure,
Dusty “Scrabble Master” Riedesel


9 responses to “I’m Getting Older: A Pre-Eulogy to my Youth

  1. One of my favorite posts to-date. Well done. I’m glad you focused on more than just “my hangovers hurt more now.”

  2. Agreed. Well written, Big Sir. You’re writing shines so bright that people can see mine due to the reflection….or shadow, depending on where you’re standing.

    First realized I was getting old when I pulled into a Taco Bell. Then, pulled out of the parking lot without buying anything. A conscious decision for my health.

    • Dustin Riedesel

      I once realized I was getting old when I made nine other people wait for me to stretch before I played a game of pickup with them.

  3. Last Sunday I took a mid-afternoon nap in order to stay awake for the entire Super Bowel.

    • Dustin Riedesel

      “I don’t really understand why SnapChat is popular” was my last thought before crawling into my bed at at 8:56pm on Monday night.

  4. You know how I know you’re old? You are the only one who ordered soup!

  5. … not even soup, chowdaaaaa (that’s my northern accent)… my grandma used to eat it when she took her teeth out. God, old lady lips repulse me.

    • Dustin Riedesel

      I know I’m getting older because I don’t see 11pm comments until 6am…to rebut, the clam chowder tasted sea-sational! As a segue, I didn’t like clam chowder until I was in college, then I did. Perhaps one’s tastes for toothless lips can change too.

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