Monthly Archives: March 2013

Why Is Dusty So Absent From His Own Blog?

As most of you know, both Tommy of the Golden Ears and I do some side writing for the millenial-centric news aggregator called PolicyMic. I’ve recently made an arrangement where I’ll be writing for them on a daily basis for the next two weeks. It’s important to me, so I’m going to be giving it at least a 63% effort, which is roughly 17% more effort than any of my writing here gets. If you’d like to see the nuanced improvements to my already rapist wit such an increased effor will provide, stay tuned to what comes up on my PolicyMic profile. On a personal note, I’d really appreciate your support in the form of social media affirmation (shares, likes, tweets, maybe a short vid on Vine of your best LOLs). Thanks a bundle for reading.

Writing this at 44% effort,
Dusty “The Digital Drifter” Riedesel

Comparing Duke Basketball Players to Flopping Goats

It has become so popular to hate Duke that it’s almost not cool anymore, kind of how liking Mumford & Sons is getting a wee bit dicey but within the slower shifting zeitgeist of sports-oriented hipsterdom. The key word here is almost. As it is with anything popular that’s becoming passé, the key to sustaining the popularity of the topic isn’t changing anything, it’s about creating a fresh take on the exact same things that made it popular in the first place.

So what’s popular about hating Duke?

The video above says it all. In a sport that is routinely dominated by the largest, most athletic men on planet Earth, Duke has a reputation (it doesn’t matter if it’s inherently untrue) for recruiting brains over bodies. No gladiators on this squad.  No matter how much they slap the floor, we see through it. They’re softies. Only Duke routinely stars guys like Scheyer, Reddick, Hurley, Curry, Battier and anyone else who could just as easily be mistaken for a procurement manager or an internal auditor as opposed to world-class baller. I’m digressing from the point though. We hate Duke, and it’s funny to comparing their flopping ways to falling goats. Spread it around.

Thank you to the proud Tar Heel, Bradley Jones, for bringing this video to Writing Bareback’s attention.

DR

What to look forward to in March 2013

Mostly to get myself hyped for the month ahead, I’m going to be doing a “What to be excited about this month” post to kick off each month. In essential blogging fashion, I will limit this to broad topics like sports, movies and TV and not the things I’ll personally be looking forward to like what Celtic garb I don on St. Paddy’s Day (I still haven’t decided!!!). Here you go:

Sports: March Madness


Kicking off on March 21st, this is undoubtedly the most beloved sporting event of the year for both quality, quantity and variety. There are blowouts and nailbiters and infuriating coverage issues from CBS. It’s like a free buffet of Ruth’s Chris filets, McDonald’s French Fries, some KFC Double Downs and a giant tub of JELLO, and the entire buffet is maintained for your visiting pleasure by a wealthy car dealership owner because the the experienced, buffet-running Asians down the street didn’t have the capital to support a buffet of such grand corporate magnitude. If that analogy doesn’t perfectly explain why they call it March Madness, nothing will.

How excited should you be for this? If you love watching 19-year-olds carry greater expectations with lower risks and higher rewards than their military peers against the dramatic backdrop of the thrill of victory juxtaposed against the pain of defeat with no run-on sentences involved, then this is your shining moment:

Movie: GI Joe: Retaliation

 

So maybe I did briefly consider the rom-com Mega Powers of Paul Rudd and Tina Fey in Admission, and I certainly considered trying to look cool by taking the snobby “I haven’t seen this but I know it would be an awesome short film” choice of Upside Down. But this was really a two-horse race. Every fiber of my being wanted to say you should be most excited for Olympus Has Fallen. It has a killer cast that appears to have pulled every string in Hollywood to place Gerard Butler into the John McClane roll of a “Die Hard meets Air Force One” plot. There’s only two problems with OHF. The first is that their opening weekend is metaphorically competing with the sporting equivalent of the world’s best buffet. If this movie opened on March 28th like GI Joe: Retaliation, I almost would have taken it. I still would have taken GI Joe because it has Duane “The Rock” Johnson, and in case you didn’t notice, Duane Johnson is Reaganing in 2013.

How excited should you be for this? If you like 2012’s sexiest man, the guy who used to play the real John McClane (there’s a reason A Good Day to Die Hard wasn’t in the running), cliff-side sword fights between repelling ninjas and the first film of overblown badassery that leads into the summer blockbusters, then you should be this excited (but bigger):

Television: Game of Thrones

 

Even with all the schedule-clearing hype behind ABC’s Celebrity Diving, nothing was going to compete with the season 3 premiere of Game of Thrones. Last season left us with a hoard of undead ice zombies trudging towards Winterfell. This show is so close to being The Lord of the Rings meets The Walking Dead. I fully expect Jon Snow, Jamie Lannister and Khal Drogo, mysteriously revived as a White Walker with a clear mind, to go on a noble lost cause of coming to the age of the hobbit-like Tyrrion Lannister. I don’t care how many people who’ve read the books can tell me my expectations are too high, I don’t live in the bleak world of Westeros, and I’m optimistic about zombie-slaying Hobbits.

How excited should you be? If you feel like the sage wisdom below applies to you personally, then maybe not very excited:

 

Music: The 20/20 Experience

 

I’d like to apologize for this paragraph in advance. As you can tell by the March 8th posting date, I obviously forgot to write this post, let alone inform Tommy that I’d need him to write a music section. So my friend Google told me that this is the most hyped album of March 2013. Apparently it has sounds and a Wikipedia page. When asked about why he was making a music album when simply existing as a famous person is so much easier, Timberlake said, “Well, I’m married now, and I’d really like to be faithful for, like, between 32 and 47 months depending on Jess’s first pregnancy, so I wanted to do the thing that would most likely carry me out of our residential area code, and touring for a new album seemed like the best thing.” When asked to elaborate, JT seemed confused. “It’s not cheating if you’re not in the same area code, right? That’s still a thing, right?”

How excited should you be for this? If you believe that a married, acting, former singer should have just waited to record an acoustic N’SYNC reunion set, then you should be this excited:

 sad justin timberlake

Miscellaneous: CrossFit Games

 
[photo from Sua Sponte Raleigh]

March is the last window to be hip about the craze. The national CrossFit games are getting bigger every year, and after this years CrossFit open, which kicked off its regional qualifiers this week, you can just call it mainstream. If you see a fit girl this month, do your best to be working “You do CrossFit?” into the conversation. A) It’s a compliment that doesn’t yet have the stigma of saying “you must work out” even though it’s the same thing. B) CrossFit is one of the most innuendo-filled activities one can participate in. Things you can commonly hear amongst CrossFitters range from “we’re doing Cindy in the box today” to “how’s your snatch?” It’s all innocent in a physically-oriented, high testosterone kind of way.

How excited should you be for this? It depends on how pumped you get for stuff like this:

 

Hotter than the sand and bigger than the ocean,
Dusty “Beach Body” Riedesel

10 Social Media Posts you Hate to See on Your Feed

We’re so connected these days. I know my middle school girlfriends 4th kids’ name (great work on the potty training Cameron). I know what my freshman dorm suite mate ate for lunch today (fish tacos!!!). I can even see what celebrities like Kobe Bean Bryant are doing after a win (glad you joined TwitterVerse Mamba!).

Thanks to social media, we don’t have to leave our desk (or our bed for you iPad users) to see what everyone who was/is/will be in our lives is doing any second of the day. Sometimes its pretty interesting. But like anything in life there are some people who abuse their privilege and violate social media common courtesy. Oh yes, you know who I’m talking about. You’re on your lunch break, scrolling through your feed and you see that one post that makes you want to take your company issued 2003 Dell laptop and launch it across the room.

Below I’ve shared a list of some of the biggest offenders that we all hate to see and dared to say what everyone else wants to say.

1. TODAY IS MY FRIDAY!!!!!! 🙂

No. Actually, today is your Thursday. It is also everyone Thursday. Just because you have a 3-day weekend ahead of you doesn’t mean you get to dictate what day of the week it is. Besides the rest of the normal working world has to work tomorrow and hates you for having the day off and bragging about it.

2. Any picture of a girl’s knees and an empty beach in the background.

We get it. You’re at the beach and its a Wednesday. You know why we know? Because for the last week you’ve been posting a running countdown of “Days until I hit the beach 🙂 ❤ <3” And please, don’t make the comment on this picture “Not a bad view for a Wednesday”

3. Any Facebook status with a hashtag in it.

Maybe you don’t understand the purpose of a hashtag. It’s intended for other social media avenues like Instagram and Twitter so people can follow trends that they enjoy. You know what it does for you on Facebook? #Absolutelynothing, except make you look like an uninformed social media user.

4. The “Over Hash Tagger” #overit #love #blogging #blogfun #hashtag ##

We get it, you want to get as many double click “Loves” on Instagram as possible. But doesn’t it freak you out that people you will never know are looking at and “loving” you picture?

5. Anything that’s tagged as #NoFilter

You aren’t a professional photographer. It’s an iPhone it does all the focusing for you.

6. “I can’t believe this guy in the gym has his towel on one machine, his water on another and is using another. What does he think, he owns the gym?”

You know what people did in the gym before cell phones existed? The lifted weights and ran on treadmills. You know what happened when someone was using multiple machines? You walked up to said person and asked to work in with him/her. Hey, Mr./Mrs. Cell Phone User in the Gym, right now there’s someone looking at you thinking how ridiculous you look on the phone in the gym. Leave it in your locker Ari Gold.

7. “I love my baby so much” immediately followed by said “baby” Liking the status.

We all know you’re laying in bed or hanging on the couch together. The world knows you love each other because your “Relationship Status” doesn’t say “It’s Complicated.” Do us all a favor and turn to “baby” and tell him/her “I love you, baby.” If you’re afraid to do that, text him/her.

8. Any picture of food.

Everyone eats. You know what that food is going to be in 4-8 hours? Poop. Yep. Please don’t take a picture of that and post it.

9. The “In-Game Play by Play” posts. “Oh did you just see that dunk?!?!” “That pass was ridiculous” “LeBron is better than Jordan, no question”

We’re all watching the same game. You’re actually missing part of it while typing what you just saw. No one actually cares to hear your commentary on a sporting event. If they did, they’d send you a text or call you to talk about it. Chill out John Madden.

10. An Instagram picture that is literally just words.

3 choices here. Type that quote on Facebook. Type that quote on Twitter. Post a cool picture, then post that with the quote under it on Instagram. Stop filling up my damn Instagram feed with words!!!

Kobe Bryant’s Diary: Back in the Game

After 16 years in the league, Kobe Bryant has decided to keep a diary to document “the year he caught Jordan”.  While Kobe refuses to remove the diary from a pedestal in his trophy room, he has allowed Writing Bareback the exclusive rights to post these excerpts.

March 3rd – vs Atlanta

You never expect to be chasing .500 in March, but if you are, you definitely expect to catch it. And that’s what I did tonight against the Atlanta Hawks in a 99-98 win. I’d like to say “we” did it, but giving my “teammates” credit would be like giving credit to the entire Buss family for forming the greatest sports organization America has ever seen (You’ll never be forgotten, Dr. Buss).

I had to drop my journaling to become extra 100% focused on my craft. As most of you who read these excerpts of my private diary know, I’ve always given 100% focus, but the truly great ones are always able to look within themselves and maybe not dig out more than 100%, because that’s impossible, but at least find a more devoted level of 100% focus. I did that by trading the exploration of my soul via the written word for an extra hour of practicing pull-up elbow jumpers and mid-post up-and-unders. Did it work? I scored 34 and got my team back to the ranks of non-losers, so you tell me.

Better yet, I’ll tell you. It worked.

Common sense might tell you that you shouldn’t add the intense mental wrinkle of journaling your innermost thoughts into your daily routine when you’ve finally hit your stride at the only thing that matters to you, but I’ve got five pieces of high-caliber jewelry that prove my sense is far from common. Journaling at the insightful and passionate level that I do is certainly exhausting, but when you’re a true competitor, you attack every activity with passion and intensity. You should’ve seen the way I ate double cheeseburgers up until five years ago when I got passionate and intense about my physical longevity and replaced McDonald’s with spinach-based protein shakes and fish oil. I can chug those shakes in under 10 seconds, which might not sound impressive if you watched a lot of Popeye growing up. But trust me, it’s way harder when you don’t have a cartoonish elastic throat. The main point I’m making here is that writing in my journal won’t effect the intensity with which I approach my craft. In fact, it’ll probably help me save my legs.

March 5th – vs Oklahoma City

After the long climb back to .500, I would have loved to believe that I wouldn’t ever have a losing record for the rest of my career.  Unfortunately we played the OKC Thunder, and they had a level of energy that is downright frustrating to play against. I looked over at Steve after Russell Westbrook crossed the 30 point mark and it was obvious that he was pissed. Most people would have only seen the measured look of weathered determination, but there’s a subtlety in the facial expressions of hall-of-famers, and if you paid attention, you could see his eyebrows quivering with the acknowledgement that Russell could no longer be dealt with by conventional means. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Russell opens up his closet before our next match-up to find all his clothes are baggy and his glasses have prescription frames in them. I’d even expect a note sitting atop his drawer of now all white gym socks like a failure-inducing landmine, “You look good, you play good.” That’s why playing with a true pro like Steve is such a pleasure.

As if the pain of a loss wasn’t enough, I looked over to the Thunder bench during the 3rd quarter and saw Kevin Durant feasting on the new Fish McBites before washing them down with a double cheeseburger. Yep, both slices of cheese, even though it cost $0.29 more than the McDouble. I think he winked at me.

March 6th – vs New Orleans

Coming back from 25 down is always something to be proud of. But I can’t help but notice that it wouldn’t have been possible without my 42 points. Despite my comments to the press, I think my season-long message to Dwight is finally taking hold. I get to score all the points and be features in the offensively offense-centric headlines of ESPN, and Dwight gets to keep his Somewhat Valuable Player status amongst the geeks of 15 years in the future that actually appreciate the nuanced importance of a paint protector. Maybe it’s not fair, but you can’t worry about fair when your chasing the playoffs in mid March. From my perspective, it’s a sensible partnership.

It was nice to see Austin Rivers scoring 10 points on 5-6 shooting. The kid has been such an embarrassment to his dad and to Coach K. I saw him working tonight and figured I’d text him some encouragement after the game.

“I bet K and Doc weren’t emberassed by u 2night – Mamba”
“Mamba? TY KB24, means a lot from u”
“Now delete my # til u start in a playoff game – Mamba”

You hate to say a guy sucks at his profession, but sometimes you say it anyway because it’s so true. Nice kid though.

Girl Talk – Things Girls Say as a Guy Sees Them

Girls say stuff that guys don’t understand. It happens all the time. We put a list together of ten things girls say and had two PolicyMic pundits explain what they as men hear and how they’d respond in these situations. First, meet your pundits:

Dusty: I’m hairy. My sweat tastes like the protein-laden juices that puddle in the bottom of a thawed bag of chicken breasts. And my brain is powered by equal parts of capitalist logic and primal instinct. Nature didn’t equip me to handle 98% of the audibalized emotions that women call talking. But I do have a patented “AAA” system to interact with man’s spawning partners. Absorb. Analyze. Answer. So to all of Fraternity Y, you’re welcome.

Tommy: I’m not hairy; unless you count the well grown 3-day shadow worn on my mug. Unlike my esteemed blogging partner, I like to think my approach to the fairer (and much more confusing) sex is a bit less Ron Swanson and little more calculated like Jacob Palmer. Does that mean I actually I understand girl talk any better than Dusty? Probably not.

1. I’m actually really happy being single right now.

Dusty: Being happy to be single is like being happy to be dieting. You’re only enjoying it because it’s better than repetitively making terrible judgement calls. The girl saying this is a liar, which is destructive social behavior and probably contributed to her being single. Answer: “When you’re dating some skinny guy in a fedora three weeks from now, I want you to apologize to me for being a liar.”

Tommy: “Yeah me too. Seems like we have a lot in common. Let’s get a drink and celebrate our singleness.”

2. OMG her body is so perfect. Look at it. Don’t you think so?

Dusty: You definitely look. you should probably raise your eyebrows with a expression that says, “I’m impressed but not blown away.” This has not only allowed you to see a hot lady, but also extended your absorb/analysis time to realize the approval-seeking motivations of the girl speaker. Give her nothing. Answer: “Meh, just like in golf, perfection is unattainable.”

Tommy: Agreed. You have to look. I said look, not stare from top to bottom and back to the top. Next to a gawking stare, the worst thing you can say here is “No. I don’t think so.” Why? Because then she’s going to argue her point and question how could you possibly NOT think so?! Answer: “Yeah, he must work out.”

3. It’s only a piece of cake. Today’s my cheat day.

Dusty: Say nothing. Any girl who has to say this before eating the cake is already insecure. The stony silence will only exacerbate the insecurity and she’ll know she’s making a wrong decision without you having to say word. Answer: Inaudible judgment

Tommy: Hey at least she’s drinking a DIET COKE with the cake, right? Answer: “Yeah, everyone loves some cake here and there. Can I have a bite?

4. Why do I always date assholes?

Dusty: She has terrible judgment. Duh. But this is a lesson best learned in steps. Answer: “Maybe you just need to some time to enjoy being single?”

Tommy: DO NOT ask about ex’s. DO NOT claim to be a nice guy. Unless you want to be a friend-zoned. She knows why she dates them. Answer: “Yeah, there’s a lot of them out there. I think when you stumble across one that doesn’t suck, you’ll know it.”

5. Tequila DEFINITELY makes my clothes come off!

Dusty: She’s saying this for a reason. If you’re the only set of ears, it’s obvious. She totally wants you. You’re not dense. Take a hint, but don’t be too obvious about it. If she wanted obvious she’d have told you to meet her in the bathroom. Try this subtle Answer: “I’m getting hungry. Have you had the fajitas at Fiesta Mexicana? No? It’s a date then.”

Tommy: Dusty nailed this one.

6. Was I like super annoying last night?

Dusty: If you say yes, you’re honesty is in tact. If you say no, then she’ll undoubtedly want to talk about it and that would be, well, annoying. Heroism is making sacrifices for the greater good. Answer: “No. Not at all.”

Tommy: This is a test. She’s probably embarrassed because she (and you) knows she showed her ass (literally or figuratively or both) and she needs to know you can be her rock when she gets a little loose. Answer:  “You were a little more open than usual last night, but we had a great time!”

7. If I got really fat, would you still love me?

Dusty: You would not. Answer: “I wouldn’t care about you getting fat for any physical reason, but the girl I love has too much discipline and too strong of a spirit to let that happen. If you get fat, you wouldn’t be the same person.”

Tommy:  She wants to indirectly hear you say “Love is on the inside and that’s all that matters.” I actually have no soft way of answering such a ridiculous question. Answer: “If I never shaved again and stopped showering would you love me?”

8. We’re having a girls’ night Friday.

Dusty: They’re going to get too drunk and make bad decisions. You might accidentally run into them while they’re out. Answer: “It’s nice to put the drama aside and just hang with your friends sometimes. What are you girls doing?”

Tommy: Again, a test. She’s making sure you aren’t a stage 4 clinger who has nothing to do if she wants to spend a night with her girls. Answer: “Perfect, I was talking to Dusty today about doing (insert something that sounds better than a girls’ night here). Friday would be perfect for that.”

9. Should I get my hair cut?

Dusty: You probably don’t care, but if she cuts it, you’ll have to constantly be asked about how it looks. Maybe she’ll be cool though? Best not to risk it. Answer: “No, you should not.”

Tommy: You’re a guy. There are about 5 acceptable ways to get your haircut. Unless a girl goes all Natalie Portman and hacks all her hair off, you’re likely not going to notice what 3 hours and $150 actually bought. She just wants your feedback and has already decided that she’s planning on getting a haircut regardless. Answer: “I think it looks great, but if you think you need a change up, I support it.”

10. I feel like we never talk anymore.

Dusty: This is the most important rule. Never ask “Why?” It shows curiosity and care, which are euphimisms for ignorance and weakness. Instead, take note of the contrarian diction in her statement and point it out with blistering sarcasm. Answer: “If we have this conversation, are you going to count it?”

Tommy: She’s implying that she’d like to talk now. If you’ve intentionally not been talking to her, its best to say “I’ve been so busy with work and the gym, I feel like I don’t have any spare time!” If you’d like to re-kindle things… Answer: “It has been a while hasn’t it? I’ve been so consumed by my career, working out and enjoying single life I’ve let some folks slip through the cracks. I’m free Thursday. Why don’t we grab a drink and talk some more.”