Monthly Archives: April 2013

5 Complaints from a Budding Maculinist

When I saw PolicyMic’s Feminist Writing Skillshare link, I began wondering if I would be considered a feminist, after all, I do believe in men and women deserve equal rights. My next thought was, “If it’s about the genders being equal, then shouldn’t it be called a humanist?”

Merriam-Webster defines a “masculinist” as “an advocate of male superiority or dominance.”

Damn connotative foibles. If being a “feminist” meant being a believer in female superiority, I’d be against it. Fortunately, I found that the definition is considered controversial, and the widely accepted term and definition is “masculism” as “the belief that equality between the sexes requires the recognition and redress of prejudice and discrimination against men as well as women.” That sounded even-handed to me, and I like that. I’d frankly be just fine if we called it humanism. But we don’t. It’s masculism. I know that that we still have several issues to bridge the gap to equality from a feminist viewpoint, but as a newly christened maculinist, I just want to point out some things that are plaguing the masculism camp.

1.      Neither “masculinism” or “masculism” is recognized as a correctly spelled word by Microsoft Office applications. Get out of the dark ages, Microsoft! I am man, hear me make a sweet, bird-like noise.

2.      Soft prostitution is still en vogue. When I take a girl out to dinner, there’s this whole check dance that we have to engage in (I searched for the HIMYM video but couldn’t find it). She acts like she wants to split it. I insist that I’ve got it. She insists back. I do an annotated version of the St. Crispin’s Day speech about holding my manhood cheap, and then she demurely relents with or without a bashful eyeroll. I like the check dance. It makes everyone feel good. You know what it means when a girl finally lets me pay? Absolutely nothing! She’s not obligated to go out with me again. I offered to pay and that’s my risk. That’s equality, just the same way I’ll assume nothing is meant if she insists on splitting the check. I don’t care how a woman wants to play it, but both masculism and feminism shouldn’t read too much into either approach. When the bill is paid, no debt is made.

3.      Condoms aren’t cheap. If both people are benefiting from their use, then maybe both people should be buying them. I’m just saying.

4.      Women are allowed to beat my ass. Short story: I “dated” a woman in college. It did not end well. She saw me at a bar a year later, walked up to me and slapped the taste out of my mouth. Twice! What happened next? Nothing. I simply internalized my white-hot rage for the next fifteen minutes as I waited for my buddies to stop cackling like damn hyenas. Flip that situation around for a minute. Men would come running to stop a man hitting a woman. Why aren’t women running to stop a woman from hitting a man? For all those thinking I deserved it, I can assure you that I did not (mostly). Pretty soon people will think I’m okay with a woman taking advantage of me sexually too. Pigs!

5.      The “sinking ship” expectation still exists. Women and children go first! For all the talk of chivalry being dead, men are still the majority working the most dangerous jobs, like military, law enforcement, oil rigs, and while this is a guess, probably alligator wrestling. As a believer in gender equality, I’d like to center some legislation around two ideas: genetically engineering women to be as physically strong as men even if it compromises their femininity, and an affirmative action hiring process that requires more women than men hired into all professions deemed life-threaten….

….alright, I can’t even finish that one. It’s so hard to care about this stuff! Complaint number two was actually pretty valid though.

Man Up – The Office is a “No Sandal Zone”

Regardless of who you are, any sane person can agree on some basic truths in this world. Murder is bad. Personal hygiene is good. Feet are disgusting. Especially the feet of men. Unlike women who take care of their tootsies with pedicures and nail polish and just overall care for what their feet look like, a male’s feet (like other parts our bodies) are purely for function, not beauty.

Fellas, where is it OK to bare your piggies? The beach, the pool and a backyard cookout. Where is it not OK? Everywhere that isn’t the beach or the pool or a backyard cookout. The end.

Working in the ever increasing casual office environment, where every day is “Casual Friday” I’ve seen way too many dudes taking advantage of this and rocking their flippy floppies daily. It’s like once there are 2 consecutive days of 75 degrees, guys are trading in their other acceptable forms of footwear for sandals for the remainder of summer. To be clear I’m mostly referring to flip flops in this post. If you’re asking “What about Teva’s? Are they OK?” then you’re issues will not be resolved by reading this post. Explaining why Teva’s are not acceptable, ever, in any situation would be an entire post all by itself.

All you dudes out there are shouting a collective “Why not?” Well for starters, no one wants to see your unkempt, calloused white feet and long-ass toenails. There’s no sand for you to bury them in or pool to dangle them in.  As a result the rest of us who think your feet look like eagles’ talons that got caught in a mouse trap that was on fire, are subject to have to see them all day. It’s like having to look at someone all day with a booger dangling from their nose. It’s gross and no one wants to see it.

You look sloppy with flops on. Have you ever seen a dude wearing flip flops and thought to yourself “Man, that guy looks like a professional. He must be headed into work today”? No one’s ever looked at you in flops and thought that either. Sandals are intended to be worn in leisurely places where you freely spend your money, not where you’re grinding to make your money. Some simple math: If flops are for leisure and work is NOT leisure, then, flops are NOT for work.

Since Roman times, have you ever seen a grown man lead others while donning his toes in thong sandals? (Jimmy Buffet is not a correct answer. He’s on a whole new level of awful).  Do you think  George Washington was stomping out British in a pair of Rainbows? Maybe under the podium, Martin Luther King Jr. was freely wiggling his toes in a pair of sandals during his “I have a dream…” speech? It never crossed your dad’s or grandfather’s mind that they would bare their walkers in the office. Don’t disappoint pop-pop.

Leave the flops at home, Parrot Head.