What to be excited about in June

Mostly to get myself hyped for the month ahead, I’m going to be doing a “What to be excited about this month” post to kick off each month. In typical blogging fashion, I will limit this to broad topics like sports, movies, and TV and not the things I’ll personally be looking forward to, like should I wear a cowboy hat or a lamp shade to the Brad Paisley concert (I still haven’t decided!!!). Feel free to see what you might’ve missed in prior months:

January February March April May

1. Sports – The NBA Finals, June 6…

…to a month-saving seventh game if we’re lucky. The sports aren’t strong in June. Let’s critique the Tim Duncan runner-ups to LeBron’s champion of the month, the NBA Finals (for those that don’t get really deep analogies, Tim Duncan will lose the Finals to LeBron and Tim Duncan is boring. This analogy is as sound as, well, Tim Duncan).

The French Open and Wimbledon might be interesting if they starred LeBron.

The Belmont is Luigi to The Kentucky Derby’s Mario, and no one cares about your mansion, Luigi!

The US Open is golf, and the one thing I can tell you about watching golf is that if you’re on acid, it’s just as interesting as watching a Newton’s Cradle while you’re on acid, except slightly less interesting.

The name of the X Games finally had meaning after they divorced themselves from cultural relavence in 1999.

The College World Series is essentially AAAA minors, it’s like watching who wins the Miss Chongqinq beauty pageant.

The NBA Draft used to be fun before NBA draftees realized why it was fun. And so that’s how we have our winner. The NBA Finals take June.

How excited should you be? If you think Tim Duncan is really the dynamic individual that once out-rapped Kobe Bryant instead of the basketball sphynx we can’t read, then you should be as excited as the Timmy below. If not, you should be as excited as Dwight:

2. Movies – Man of Steel, June 14

Could it possibly have been anything else? When Warner Brothers fired this Christopher Nolan produced rocket into our cinematic consciousness as their last surviving hope for the Superman movie brand, we all knew we would see it. Every trailer and commercial has only become a brighter, yellow sunlight on what is certain to be first of an invulnerable franchise. Other June movies can only look at this Movie of Tomorrow and dream…White House Down already came out in MarchWorld War Z has my beloved Brad Pitt, but he’s no superhero…The Internship only gets a mention out of respect to Vince Vaughn’s corpse…And I will definitely buy a ticket for End of the World if it receives even one positive review.

How excited should you be? If you like the idea of a Christ-like figure harnessing his Godlike power through the soul of a man as he saves and guides a young race called “humanity,” then way to use your head:

3. 3. Television – Wilfred Season 3 Premiere, June 20

Yes, Wilfred. What show did you think is the most exciting show of the month? Dexter? All that’s left of that show is a compressed blood slide of a once proud killer in the ratings. The Hero? Far be it from me to doubt the most electrifying man in sports entertainment, but I’d rather navigate dark underground bunkers and face tough moral dilemmas than pick a reality show as the “most exciting” TV for the month. Picking finales like Mad Men and Game of Thrones goes against the forward-looking spirit of this post. And while I love the custodial work that True Blood does in transitioning our Sunday nights from Mad Men/Thrones to Sunday Night Football, it’s too much of a mental drop-off from those prior shows to call its premiere exciting. If you’ve only watched Wilfred commercials and though, “Meh,” then you are missing out. Wilfred is crazy, and it’s crazy how little love it gets. Dark, hilarious and constantly peppering it’s scripts with enough “WTF” factor to make you feel as insane as its characters, this show is more enjoyable than getting high in a small closet with your imaginary dog friend…maybe.

How excited should you be? If you like watching a grown man in a dogsuit being stupid like a fox as he does drugs, dry humps a one-eyed teddy bear and outschemes everyone all the time, then you already know how excited you are! If you don’t like that, then watch it anyways, then come back to this post and look at the then-poignant gif below:

4. Books – The Ocean at the End of the Lane, June 18

Few writers have the imagination of Neil Gaiman (American Gods, Anansi Boys). It’s been several years since he released a novel, but whether it’s his short stories, his comics or his novels (I haven’t really cared for his movies), his greatest talent has always been weaving the fantastically impossible into everyday reality so that a reader can’t see the seams. Even with the more prolific Stephen King releasing Joyland this month, I’d be surprised if another piece of ficiton makes a bigger splash in fictional waters than The Ocean at the End of the Lane.

How excited should you be? If you prefer novels about 100-year-old vampires with decades of culture and art in their zeitgeist finding a teenage girl captivating, then maybe pass on this one. Something that weird can happen in a Gaiman novel, but it’ll feel more like pedophilia than love, which is to say it will feel truthful.

5. 5. Miscellaneous – Father’s Day, June 16

A quick checkdown on how you should show your type of father that you love him this Father’s Day.

Does your father work at the mill and only speak to you to request his eighth Old Milwaukee? Say nothing. Just put your wallet back in your pocket as he refuses your charity at the Sunday afternoon restaurant. Your money goes to Old Milwaukee. Then sit, drink and and stare at the Pirates game. That’ll say it all.

Does your father frequently support your dreams both financially and emotionally while backing you up no matter how many mistakes you make? Buy him something nice, like a car detailing package. And write a card. Bring it to him personally. It’ll make it easier for him to reimburse you with cash when he wants to “make sure you’re doing alright.”

Is your father anything besides those two very particular types? A phone call will probably get it done. I’d recommend the 6 o’clock method of news, traffic, weather, sports and let’s kick it over to Mom see what’s going on in “world” news.

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