10 Things You Should Be Doing Now That You’re Grown Up

1. Always buying two-ply – I don’t want to call this the most important thing, but nothing tells your guests that you haven’t mentally moved out of your dorm/frat house than when they reach out and find some John Wayne toilet paper. It’s rough, tough, and it doesn’t take shit from anyone.

2. Saving more money each month than you spend on alcohol – You can substitute “alcohol” for “shopping” or “drugs” or “live-cam sessions.” Whatever, really. This is the golden rule of adulthood, and a hallmark of responsibility. I don’t care who you are, a young athlete who’s expected to support an entourage while you champagne and campaign, or a communications major trying to make your bones in highly-incentivized (read: low salary) sales position. If you’re buying booze, then you have discretionary income. If you’ve paid all essential payments such as loans, bills and groceries and you only have $10 left, you put $6 in a conservative Roth IRA and then go buy one moderately priced beer to celebrate your good sense (a King Cobra 40 is also an acceptable celebratory drink as it gives you a “budget buzz”).

3. Investing in your body – Here’s a list of things people routinely regret: drinking too much, staying up too late to finish a middling HBO movie like Abraham Linconln: Vampire Hunter, Pizza Hut lunch buffets, CiCi’s dinner buffets, eating two pizza buffets in one day, and everything they eat after midnight. Here’s a list of things people never regret: the workout they’ve finished, the sleep they got, finishing a healthy meal, saving money by not eating a meal after midnight. Investing requires planning, and your body will thank you for planning based on impending consequences instead of immediate desire.

4. Abiding to, “You can’t climb the ladder of success dressed in the costume of failure.” – Classic Zig on dressing for the job you want. Far be it from me to tell anyone to buy a fancy wardrobe. Just acting like you got your shit together should be enough. Guy tips include shaving your face, tucking in your collared shirt, and wearing dress shoes with a matching belt. Girl tips include looking showered and un-slutty. It’s amazing how much of making it in life is just showing up and looking competent.

5. Taking a multivitamin – I mean, it can only help, right?

6. Looking fun on social media, not crazy – This basically means to not take any “night out” pictures after 11pm or hang out with people who do. Snapchat is exempt from this rule because I can’t help myself. Also, don’t Tweet bigoted statements cause you think it’s just your gang seeing them. That’s what group texting is for.

7. Paying with cash – You might think it’s because it prevents you from putting yourself in a financial predicament, but it’s actually because cash is sexy. In a study that might’ve happened, 100 women accepted an attractive man’s offer to buy her a drink. When paying in cash, 68% of the women gave the man their phone number. The other 32% took the man home with them. Upon awaking the next morning, they reimbursed the man for the drink he bought them with a $5 bill with their phone number on it. When paying with a card, 100% of the women simply said, “Thank you for the drink. I’m actually seeing someone.”

8. Recycle – C’mon bro.

9. Not using the word “bro.” – Unless you’re making a brodacious compound word like “broner,” the word that Californication coined to describe the unintentionally male-inspired boner.

10. Not taking life too seriously – You’ll never get out alive (If you haven’t heard that before, then you never should. You’re too grown up to watch Van Wilder).

Only living by numbers 1, 2, 5, 10 and sometimes 3 and 7,
Dusty “The Big Adolescent” Riedesel


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