Here’s an article I wrote for PolicyMic a year ago. It’s magically timeless.
So there’s this Blood Bones & Butter movie coming at some point too far off to care about. It’ll star Gwyneth Paltrow, which could have made it worth seeing in 1999, before she decided to be the good woman standing behind Chris Martin and Tony Stark. You may think that I’ve buried the lead with all this non-news in the opening paragraph, but you’d be wrong. The big new here is that they’ve named a foodie memoir “Blood Bones & Butter”, which I’m pretty sure is the exact recipe for the O+ flavor of True Blood. This movie has a sucky title, something Hollywood does fairly frequently. There are a lot of movie titles that could have made this list, these were just the first nine that found me. Call it providence.
Some people are convinced this movie will have a kind of creepy-cuteness to it, but the title ruins all hopes for me. All I can think of is a foot-dragging zombie sprouting an erection while the living yell in terror, “IT’S ALLIIIIIIIIIIIVVVEE!!!!!”
2. Frankenhooker – Kind of the a reversal of gender roles from the description above, but a little more sad because of the tragedy that is the undead sex-trade industry.
3. A Fistfull of Dollars – This would be a good movie title if it were the sequel to Magic Mike.
4. Gigli – I honestly thought it was a movie aobut J-Lo’s finely landscaped back yard. I mean, it is pronounced “Jiggly” isn’t it?
5. Halloween II (2009) – I hate this title purely because it’s a misnomer. Considering the first Halloween II was made in 1981, this 2009 film by Rob Zombie should have been called Halloween II 2, the Return of Halloween II.
6. For a Few Dollars More – Yep, only a good movie title if it were the final chapter of the Magic Mike trilogy. (Here’s the thing, Magic Mike is essentially about a man who’s more than a piece of meat, but much like the Step Up movies that Channing Tatum manbirthed, if you get away from the stripping/dancing, it won’t be Magic Mike anymore. I can’t wait to see what tough situations keep him stripping (Inception parentheses (parentheses inside a parenthesis), I haven’t seen Magic Mike).
7. Blacula! – Oh yeah, it happened. I may or may not have read in Esquire that the Wayans brothers considered this the greatest influence on their acting careers.
8. Phat Girlz – This can be one of only two things: A direct-to-TV movie that aired on BET in 2006, or Tyler Perry’s well-buried attempt to film a feature length special for late night Cinemax. There is no third option.
9. The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? – Okay, you’re right. That’s an awesome title.