Monthly Archives: July 2013

The 9 Most Terrible Movie Titles of All Time

Here’s an article I wrote for PolicyMic a year ago. It’s magically timeless.

the, 9, most, terrible, movie, titles, of, all, time,

So there’s this Blood Bones & Butter movie coming at some point too far off to care about. It’ll star Gwyneth Paltrow, which could have made it worth seeing in 1999, before she decided to be the good woman standing behind Chris Martin and Tony Stark. You may think that I’ve buried the lead with all this non-news in the opening paragraph, but you’d be wrong. The big new here is that they’ve named a foodie memoir “Blood Bones & Butter”, which I’m pretty sure is the exact recipe for the O+ flavor of True Blood. This movie has a sucky title, something Hollywood does fairly frequently.  There are a lot of movie titles that could have made this list, these were just the first nine that found me. Call it providence.

1. Frankenweenie

Some people are convinced this movie will have a kind of creepy-cuteness to it, but the title ruins all hopes for me. All I can think of is a foot-dragging zombie sprouting an erection while the living yell in terror, “IT’S ALLIIIIIIIIIIIVVVEE!!!!!”

2. Frankenhooker – Kind of the a reversal of gender roles from the description above, but a little more sad because of the tragedy that is the undead sex-trade industry.

3. A Fistfull of Dollars – This would be a good movie title if it were the sequel to Magic Mike.

4. Gigli – I honestly thought it was a movie aobut J-Lo’s finely landscaped back yard. I mean, it is pronounced “Jiggly” isn’t it?

5. Halloween II (2009) – I hate this title purely because it’s a misnomer. Considering the first Halloween II was made in 1981, this 2009 film by Rob Zombie should have been called Halloween II 2, the Return of Halloween II.

6. For a Few Dollars More – Yep, only a good movie title if it were the final chapter of the Magic Mike trilogy. (Here’s the thing, Magic Mike is essentially about a man who’s more than a piece of meat, but much like the Step Up movies that Channing Tatum manbirthed, if you get away from the stripping/dancing, it won’t be Magic Mike anymore. I can’t wait to see what tough situations keep him stripping (Inception parentheses (parentheses inside a parenthesis), I haven’t seen Magic Mike).

7. Blacula! – Oh yeah, it happened. I may or may not have read in Esquire that the Wayans brothers considered this the greatest influence on their acting careers.

8. Phat Girlz – This can be one of only two things: A direct-to-TV movie that aired on BET in 2006, or Tyler Perry’s well-buried attempt to film a feature length special for late night Cinemax. There is no third option.

9.  The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? – Okay, you’re right. That’s an awesome title.

What is the deal with this new apple beer?

It used to be when a cowboy finished a long day of riding horses, killing outlaws and doing other cowboy stuff, he’d end his day at the local saloon. When he saddled up to the bar he’d order a whiskey, no chaser. He’d proceed to shoot the whiskey, slam the glass and order another, no chaser. No lime, no lemon, nothing. A cowboy is the epitome of what it is to be a man’s man.

Fast forward a few hundred years and the acceptable drink of choice for dudes has more commonly become beer. Your granddad always had a case of Schlitz in the fridge in his garage. Your dad was probably a Budweiser man; he wouldn’t be caught dead drinking a Zima. And now our generation of men has….Apple flavored beer?

I thought it had been decided when Triple H and Burt Reynolds declared “No Fruit in Beer. Man law.” But it turns out, we’re not only still putting a fruit wedge in our Blue Moon, no, no, we’ve skipped the middle man and now have Apple flavored beer.

I’m not ignorant, I know that Apple beer has been around for awhile.. But no self-respecting man is ordering a round of chilled WoodChuck Cider or Angry Orchards for the boys after wrestling bears or doing other man stuff.

Probably an Apple Beer. BEIBERRRR

So why now the commercials for Redd’s Apple Ale directly targeting men? They aren’t particularly funny nor do they compel me to order this beverage.  If someone hit me in the head with an apple after asking me what I’d like to drink my more likely reply is to throw said apple back at them and order them a nice tall glass of shut the hell up.

Someone would die after this.

Then, while perusing through GQ today, I noticed an ad for Stella Artois “Cidre.” Hey Stella, you aren’t fooling anyone by switching the “r” and the “e” around. Even a dyslexic, drinking man knows that you’re just trying to sneak a little sweet childhood citrus into his brew.

Here’s my plea to beer companies before the “Big 3” (Coors, Bud, Miller) start to try and take this trend mainstream:

Stop trying to make Apple beer cool. Stop trying to make it manly. Stop trying to make it seem elegant. We don’t order appletinis and we don’t put fruit in our beer. We, as self respecting men, like our beer just as it is; sans fruit. No Fruit in Beer. Man Law.

Besides, if I want something sweet, I’m totes going White Russian…BRO.

Drinking my beer, pinky out,


Bad News, America. Mexico Holds the Title Belt for Fattest Nation…it’s a big belt, lol

It’s official, gang. America’s lost the title of world’s fattest nation. Sad news, really. We’re slipping all over. There was a time when we won the most gold medals, made the most money and had the fattest people. Well, it’s not your grandpa’s USA anymore. Mexico is now the world’s fattest nation. Let’s not get mired in damn negativity though. Here’s some silver linings:

This is a big win for those opposed to illegal immigration. I mean, I’ve never jumped any borders, but the physics of it all make this simple. How many 300-pounders can fit in the back of a van? Climb a fence? Swimmers are traditionally lean.

This is a big win for all those in favor of illegal immigration. Nothing makes an illegal immigrant work harder than knowing he needs to stuff twice the money down his family’s throats back home. This could have a positive grassroots ripple in the American economy for the management teams that can harness it.

We have one more reason to hate vegans. Just about everything is a reason to hate vegans. The only thing American vegans hate more than meat is their fellow Americans. The sole purpose of the vegan diet is for the practitioner to be able to bring it up whenever possible to show that they’re better than you. They’ll brag about this, mark my words. They’re relishing in the fact that the country has become statistically closer to their own weak, frail forms.

This won’t last long. I have it on good authority that the return of the Twinkie can make up the 0.8% differential in obese population. Has any food outside of Manna from heaven that has been so crucial for a nation?

Eating Taco Bell for lunch,
Dusty “The American Dream” Riedesel

5 Things I wanted when I was a teenager that I’m glad my Dad nixed

At 14 its hard to get a good hair cut and try to make braces look cool (they will never be), let alone make the determination of what is ACTUALLY cool and what is just a fleeting trend. Below are 5 things that, in retrospect, I’m really glad that my dad told me “No. Freak.” Oh and it’s his birthday, so happy 52nd, Pops.


They say “Timing is everything.” Never has this been truer than quick burning flame of popularity that was JNCO…and maybe that time for about 6 months when people thought Orgy was a talented band. JNCO took piped jeans (and jorts) to the next level. Middle school is a confusing time, and if it weren’t for my dad, it would have been even more confusing if I wore these for day.

A Star Tattoo

(Disclaimer: If you have a star tattoo, this is not dig on you….OK yeah it is).

I blame it on my obsession with the music of Blink-182 and New Found Glory and my still mushy, malleable brain, but I would draw a star on my hand or arm with a Sharpie every day. I swore it would be a decision I’d never regret…..and so did the people with Tribal Arm Band tatts on their bicep.  Thank you dad.

A Ball Chain Necklace

I have no clue what the appeal of these things were. Maybe I thought it would go well with my punk rocker image and JNCOs I’d never get. Either way, it seemed that as these grew in popularity, “bigger is better” became the motto (Dusty will debate that this is always the case). In any case, as it turns out, never was definitely better.

A Chain Wallet

The look seemed so “biker” and bad ass. In theory it’s a great idea since it would be really tough for someone to pick-pocket you. I really needed a chain on my wallet to protect the 20 dollars, $2 dollar bill gift from Grandma and picture of my high school girlfriend from being jacked at the lunch table.

Frosted Tips

Never mind….that actually happened.

Iced tips for days,


My Diahry: I Can’t Even Put A Title On This Because It Ended Up Being About Nothing. Screw It! We’ll Call This Post “The Space Between”

What follows is something that happens to bloggers from time to time. You start writing on a topic, and pretty soon you’re simply exploring your own thoughts. No one cares, but it’s out there now. A public diary of your brain taking a shit. Mental diarrhea. A diarhy.

Someone once told me that you never truly know someone until they do the thing that you never thought they would do, the thing you never expected they were capable of.

Sad. True?

The infinite space inside our 8-inch skulls is a no man’s land to all save ourselves. Ask me a question and get an answer of my choosing. And yet, please ask me the question. I need you to.

I’ve long believed that knowing yourself is a high virtue, a self-perceptive compass that points to the true North of lives that can’t be planned. But that peaceful sense of direction is a cheap emotional salve. Satisfaction—some call it love—comes when someone else knows you like you know yourself. They see you. Why does this matter? I’ll bet no one knows.

Are we alone? We. Alone. The words don’t mesh. But we do all feel it, a need for affirmation. It is an inherent desire amongst all men (and women, who deserve to be treated as good as men even though they have periods). I guess what I’m saying, if I’m saying anything, is that I don’t know if we can be known or not. All I know is that Up in the Air already figured it out.

Ryan Bingham: If you think about it, your favorite memories, the most important moments in your life… were you alone?
Jim Miller: No, I guess not.
Ryan Bingham: Hey, come to think of it, last night, the night before your wedding, when all this shit is swirling around in your head, weren’t you guys sleeping in separate bedrooms?
Jim Miller: Yeah, Julie went back to the apartment, and I was just by myself in the honeymoon suite.
Ryan Bingham: Kind of lonely, huh?
Jim Miller: Yes, it was pretty lonely.
Ryan Bingham: Life’s better with company.
Jim Miller: Yeah.

Fuck The Space Between, right?

Fart noise,

What to look forward to in July 2013

Mostly to get myself hyped for the month ahead, I’m going to be doing a “What to be excited about this month” post to kick off each month. In typical blogging fashion, I will limit this to broad topics like sports, movies, and TV and not the things I’ll personally be looking forward to, like if it’d be redundant to wear the same patriotically themed tanktop for the 4th of July that I wore on Memorial Day (I still haven’t decided!!!). Feel free to see what you might’ve missed in prior months:



Sports: MLB All-Star Game

July sports. What can I say? It’s like going to a bar jam-packed with really ugly women. Not unlike your bar strategy, the best way to enjoy sports in July is to just get drunk and cross your fingers.

Since we have to give the title to something, we’ll give it to the MLB All-Star game on July 16th. The one thing baseball has on other sports is that it probably has the best actual All-Star game. Because the sport is more skill than effort, you don’t see the best players slacking. Plus, most guys are only playing one-three innings, so there’s hustle in the field and pitchers don’t worry about pitch count. Most importantly, it marks an important milestone in the miserably long, 162-game MLB season. The season’s over halfway done, and you can finally look at the standings and feel like the races matter. Even more important than that, it means that the NFL starts next month.

How excited should you be? If the exchange of “Your hot friend ‘football’ is coming? To this bar? Interesting. I might slow down on the drinking a bit” relates to you, then you should be as excited as this cop taking down a Phillies fan with a tazer (I wish this was a GIF):

Taser Takes Down Excited Teenage Baseball Fan

Movies: Pacific Rim

In the pre-season, monthly awards that is this article, I wanted to give it to The Wolverine, but unlike the titular character of that movie, I can’t heal from mortal wounds, such as Hugh Jackman’s last, awful portrayal of The Ol’ Canucklehead. I have plenty to complain about with how Wolverine’s been handled cinematically, but I’m not wasting words here.

Pacific Rim on July 12th, baby! Is there anything better than the concept of this movie? These sea monsters are so big that the only way we can beat them is to build an equally large robot! No bunker-busting missile can penetrate their hide. Only a super-sized, hydraulic uppercut can concuss these fiends from the deep! I’m all-in. IMAX 3D. Plus, I’ve been waiting for Charlie Hunham to make a splash.

How excited should you be? You want more Jax Teller in your life! Because, sploosh! But play it cool, and only be this excited:

TV: Ray Donovan

I know that this technically started in June, but it was the last day in June, and there’s not that much to be excited about in July, and I’d rather have an enema of my urethra than give any love to The Newsroom, the most condescendingly-written show on television. So, Ray Donovan, Sunday nights at 10pm! Liev Schreiber plays the titular character, and he literally speaks softly and carries a big stick. Here’s a monologue from Ray to a masturbating stalker, “The bag or the bat?” Cut to torture. Later, he uses the bat, which is apparently his weapon of choice. Anyway, the stories of a troubled family-man acting as a Hollywood fixer will probably be enjoyable. And Jon Voigt is his dad!

How excited should you be? If you’re unsure of seeing Jon Voigt as a drug-snorting, hooker-banging, family-corrupting, priest-murdering, parole-jumping geriatric, then this excited:

Miscellaneous: 4th of July

Drink. Budweiser.

Embrace the month, people.

How To Deal With Disappointment, an Infallible Methodology

Blogging is sometimes a paradoxical process. The act of writing is inherently private, and the act of sharing publicizes narcissism. It’s the narcissism that releases the lighter fare of Writing Bareback. That’s not going to change. I’m not going to air the dirty laundry and letdowns of life here. Those emotions are best confessed to my car’s dashboard. Instead, let me fill you in on a few behavioral tips to get over any disappointment.

Internalize. Bottle up your disappointment and let yourself feel it, but don’t let anyone else know what has happened. You are the unshakable center of your universe. This is an important first step when the emotion is strongest. If you can nail this, you can still function.

Work out daily. Whether it’s a failed relationship, getting laid off, or you just saw The Green Lantern for the first time, your frustration needs an outlet. Your not Taylor Swift, so stay away from songwriting.  Eating will make you fat. Therapy is too expensive, and all they really do is bill you for sitting there and then throw pills at you (so, maybe, if pills are your thing). Working out might even give you some swagger back if you start liking what you see in the mirror.

Stay social. This is an accountability check since you’ve decided to internalize your disappointment around others. Sometimes you’ll even forget that you should be depressed.

(Optional) Write an expository blog post that allows you to act as your own therapeutic counselor.

Overcorrect. Get fired? Make your new job your life (also, bills). Get dumped? You should be dating like Don Juan, the world’s greatest lover. Watch The Green Lantern? Watch the entire Dark Knight trilogy.

Share. Someone trusted. Someone who won’t mind you trying to explain how an everyday occurrence is world-crushing when it happens to you. Someone who understands how Parallax was grossly misrepresented.

Balance. Maybe dial back and find some solace. Be comfortable in the quiet. Does that mean fewer workouts, fewer happy hours, less dating, less office time? Maybe. Your call. The key is that you don’t cling to your overcorrected lifestyle too tightly. Without you realizing it, your new obsession is creating a constantly reinforced barrier that makes you fear the disappointment you’ve experienced. Next thing you know, FX runs a Green Lantern promo on a Saturday afternoon and your roommate asks you why your sucking your thumb.

If none of this works, just get blind drunk and wait for six months to pass. I swear this has 90% success rate. 90% of the time you bottom out and can start fresh. Let’s not worry about that other 10%


A Man Takes Pic With Cat, Never Looked Cooler

What’s the best thing about this picture?

You can’t answer this question because it’s too big for you. It’s like deciding between water, air and sunlight for the Earth’s most esential element. Let’s instead focus on what this poor man’s Ravishing Rick Rude was thinking as he reviewed this pic for the first time. For anyone who thinks I’m making fun of this guys, don’t forget that I’m a documented, cat-ownership apologist.

“All aboard the vagina town express!”

“I was a little nervouse that the tanktop, gold chain, mullet and mustache were going to come across as trying too hard. Boy, was I wrong!”

“The only thing that sucks about Mr. Zabu looking exactly like the last Smilodon is that he’s making my guns less intimidating.”

“I’ll bet Mr. Zabu could’ve killed that photographer in 16 seconds if I wasn’t holding him back.”

“Poor man’s Rick Rude, my ass!”