What to look forward to in July 2013

Mostly to get myself hyped for the month ahead, I’m going to be doing a “What to be excited about this month” post to kick off each month. In typical blogging fashion, I will limit this to broad topics like sports, movies, and TV and not the things I’ll personally be looking forward to, like if it’d be redundant to wear the same patriotically themed tanktop for the 4th of July that I wore on Memorial Day (I still haven’t decided!!!). Feel free to see what you might’ve missed in prior months:

January
February
March
April

May
June

Sports: MLB All-Star Game

July sports. What can I say? It’s like going to a bar jam-packed with really ugly women. Not unlike your bar strategy, the best way to enjoy sports in July is to just get drunk and cross your fingers.

Since we have to give the title to something, we’ll give it to the MLB All-Star game on July 16th. The one thing baseball has on other sports is that it probably has the best actual All-Star game. Because the sport is more skill than effort, you don’t see the best players slacking. Plus, most guys are only playing one-three innings, so there’s hustle in the field and pitchers don’t worry about pitch count. Most importantly, it marks an important milestone in the miserably long, 162-game MLB season. The season’s over halfway done, and you can finally look at the standings and feel like the races matter. Even more important than that, it means that the NFL starts next month.

How excited should you be? If the exchange of “Your hot friend ‘football’ is coming? To this bar? Interesting. I might slow down on the drinking a bit” relates to you, then you should be as excited as this cop taking down a Phillies fan with a tazer (I wish this was a GIF):

Taser Takes Down Excited Teenage Baseball Fan

Movies: Pacific Rim

In the pre-season, monthly awards that is this article, I wanted to give it to The Wolverine, but unlike the titular character of that movie, I can’t heal from mortal wounds, such as Hugh Jackman’s last, awful portrayal of The Ol’ Canucklehead. I have plenty to complain about with how Wolverine’s been handled cinematically, but I’m not wasting words here.

Pacific Rim on July 12th, baby! Is there anything better than the concept of this movie? These sea monsters are so big that the only way we can beat them is to build an equally large robot! No bunker-busting missile can penetrate their hide. Only a super-sized, hydraulic uppercut can concuss these fiends from the deep! I’m all-in. IMAX 3D. Plus, I’ve been waiting for Charlie Hunham to make a splash.

How excited should you be? You want more Jax Teller in your life! Because, sploosh! But play it cool, and only be this excited:

TV: Ray Donovan

I know that this technically started in June, but it was the last day in June, and there’s not that much to be excited about in July, and I’d rather have an enema of my urethra than give any love to The Newsroom, the most condescendingly-written show on television. So, Ray Donovan, Sunday nights at 10pm! Liev Schreiber plays the titular character, and he literally speaks softly and carries a big stick. Here’s a monologue from Ray to a masturbating stalker, “The bag or the bat?” Cut to torture. Later, he uses the bat, which is apparently his weapon of choice. Anyway, the stories of a troubled family-man acting as a Hollywood fixer will probably be enjoyable. And Jon Voigt is his dad!

How excited should you be? If you’re unsure of seeing Jon Voigt as a drug-snorting, hooker-banging, family-corrupting, priest-murdering, parole-jumping geriatric, then this excited:

Miscellaneous: 4th of July

Drink. Budweiser.

Embrace the month, people.
DR

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