Daily Archives: July 25, 2013

What is the deal with this new apple beer?

It used to be when a cowboy finished a long day of riding horses, killing outlaws and doing other cowboy stuff, he’d end his day at the local saloon. When he saddled up to the bar he’d order a whiskey, no chaser. He’d proceed to shoot the whiskey, slam the glass and order another, no chaser. No lime, no lemon, nothing. A cowboy is the epitome of what it is to be a man’s man.

Fast forward a few hundred years and the acceptable drink of choice for dudes has more commonly become beer. Your granddad always had a case of Schlitz in the fridge in his garage. Your dad was probably a Budweiser man; he wouldn’t be caught dead drinking a Zima. And now our generation of men has….Apple flavored beer?

I thought it had been decided when Triple H and Burt Reynolds declared “No Fruit in Beer. Man law.” But it turns out, we’re not only still putting a fruit wedge in our Blue Moon, no, no, we’ve skipped the middle man and now have Apple flavored beer.

I’m not ignorant, I know that Apple beer has been around for awhile.. But no self-respecting man is ordering a round of chilled WoodChuck Cider or Angry Orchards for the boys after wrestling bears or doing other man stuff.

Probably an Apple Beer. BEIBERRRR

So why now the commercials for Redd’s Apple Ale directly targeting men? They aren’t particularly funny nor do they compel me to order this beverage.  If someone hit me in the head with an apple after asking me what I’d like to drink my more likely reply is to throw said apple back at them and order them a nice tall glass of shut the hell up.

Someone would die after this.

Then, while perusing through GQ today, I noticed an ad for Stella Artois “Cidre.” Hey Stella, you aren’t fooling anyone by switching the “r” and the “e” around. Even a dyslexic, drinking man knows that you’re just trying to sneak a little sweet childhood citrus into his brew.

Here’s my plea to beer companies before the “Big 3” (Coors, Bud, Miller) start to try and take this trend mainstream:

Stop trying to make Apple beer cool. Stop trying to make it manly. Stop trying to make it seem elegant. We don’t order appletinis and we don’t put fruit in our beer. We, as self respecting men, like our beer just as it is; sans fruit. No Fruit in Beer. Man Law.

Besides, if I want something sweet, I’m totes going White Russian…BRO.

Drinking my beer, pinky out,

tc

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Bad News, America. Mexico Holds the Title Belt for Fattest Nation…it’s a big belt, lol

It’s official, gang. America’s lost the title of world’s fattest nation. Sad news, really. We’re slipping all over. There was a time when we won the most gold medals, made the most money and had the fattest people. Well, it’s not your grandpa’s USA anymore. Mexico is now the world’s fattest nation. Let’s not get mired in damn negativity though. Here’s some silver linings:

This is a big win for those opposed to illegal immigration. I mean, I’ve never jumped any borders, but the physics of it all make this simple. How many 300-pounders can fit in the back of a van? Climb a fence? Swimmers are traditionally lean.

This is a big win for all those in favor of illegal immigration. Nothing makes an illegal immigrant work harder than knowing he needs to stuff twice the money down his family’s throats back home. This could have a positive grassroots ripple in the American economy for the management teams that can harness it.

We have one more reason to hate vegans. Just about everything is a reason to hate vegans. The only thing American vegans hate more than meat is their fellow Americans. The sole purpose of the vegan diet is for the practitioner to be able to bring it up whenever possible to show that they’re better than you. They’ll brag about this, mark my words. They’re relishing in the fact that the country has become statistically closer to their own weak, frail forms.

This won’t last long. I have it on good authority that the return of the Twinkie can make up the 0.8% differential in obese population. Has any food outside of Manna from heaven that has been so crucial for a nation?

Eating Taco Bell for lunch,
Dusty “The American Dream” Riedesel