What is the deal with this new apple beer?

It used to be when a cowboy finished a long day of riding horses, killing outlaws and doing other cowboy stuff, he’d end his day at the local saloon. When he saddled up to the bar he’d order a whiskey, no chaser. He’d proceed to shoot the whiskey, slam the glass and order another, no chaser. No lime, no lemon, nothing. A cowboy is the epitome of what it is to be a man’s man.

Fast forward a few hundred years and the acceptable drink of choice for dudes has more commonly become beer. Your granddad always had a case of Schlitz in the fridge in his garage. Your dad was probably a Budweiser man; he wouldn’t be caught dead drinking a Zima. And now our generation of men has….Apple flavored beer?

I thought it had been decided when Triple H and Burt Reynolds declared “No Fruit in Beer. Man law.” But it turns out, we’re not only still putting a fruit wedge in our Blue Moon, no, no, we’ve skipped the middle man and now have Apple flavored beer.

I’m not ignorant, I know that Apple beer has been around for awhile.. But no self-respecting man is ordering a round of chilled WoodChuck Cider or Angry Orchards for the boys after wrestling bears or doing other man stuff.

Probably an Apple Beer. BEIBERRRR

So why now the commercials for Redd’s Apple Ale directly targeting men? They aren’t particularly funny nor do they compel me to order this beverage.  If someone hit me in the head with an apple after asking me what I’d like to drink my more likely reply is to throw said apple back at them and order them a nice tall glass of shut the hell up.

Someone would die after this.

Then, while perusing through GQ today, I noticed an ad for Stella Artois “Cidre.” Hey Stella, you aren’t fooling anyone by switching the “r” and the “e” around. Even a dyslexic, drinking man knows that you’re just trying to sneak a little sweet childhood citrus into his brew.

Here’s my plea to beer companies before the “Big 3” (Coors, Bud, Miller) start to try and take this trend mainstream:

Stop trying to make Apple beer cool. Stop trying to make it manly. Stop trying to make it seem elegant. We don’t order appletinis and we don’t put fruit in our beer. We, as self respecting men, like our beer just as it is; sans fruit. No Fruit in Beer. Man Law.

Besides, if I want something sweet, I’m totes going White Russian…BRO.

Drinking my beer, pinky out,

tc

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3 responses to “What is the deal with this new apple beer?

  1. Well, genius… Redds Apple Ale IS one of the big three… it’s just another brand name owned by Miller. Furthermore, ciders and “fruit” beers have a LONG reputation as a man’s drink and something you drink after hard work or a day’s hunt. Final note: if you identify your masculinity by what you drink then you are a sad sad person. A man with a real set of balls doesn’t have to prove he has them.

    • Thanks, myself. Apparently satirical writing is off limits these days. Cutting up a lime to put in my Corona as we speak…at 9:15am….on a Tuesday.
      Thanks for the read dude (or dudette).

  2. Lame attempt to make a socially acceptable alternative for candy ass college guys who dont like the taste of beer that are too proud to be seen with a smirnoff ice. That’s about it. Lol

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