Monthly Archives: September 2013

Here’s Some Relationship Advice You Should Definitely Ignore

Here’s some things that are more annoying than someone giving you relationship advice:

  • Hiccups
  • The stoppers underneath a new ketchup bottle’s cap
  • Falling for that “hand smells like peanut butter” joke
  • Twilight, in general
  • The clap
  • Falling for the “Hello…Speak up I can’t hear you…Stop yelling this is just a voicemail” joke
  • Anyone doing this stuff on social media
  • People saying “spoiler alert” instead of just shutting up
  • Bad flow from an ink pen.

I could go on, but in an effort to not add “the completely unproductive hobby of blogging” to the list, I try to write, edit and post each article in under an hour. So that’s the list. Keep in mind, calling things like cancer or rape “annoying” might be great for jokes in a specific crowd, but it’s mostly in bad taste and I wouldn’t joke about it. So like I said, that’s the list.

You should memorize this list as a “could be worse” reminder when someone starts hocking misguided relational platitudes at you. Here’s some of the crap I’ve heard (some of it directed at me, some of it to those around me) in the last couple of months.

It’s really important to like the person you’re in love with.

I don’t even know what that means. Have you ever actually met someone who married an axe murderer?

You should at least send flowers if you’ve been dating two months.

What is that, the wet balsa-wood anniversary?

What about the six-month anniversary?

I’m still confused. The anniversary of what? Meeting each other? We’ve known each other for six months. Don’t you think she’ll see through the ploy when my mother of 27 years and my sister of 21 years only get phone calls on their birthdays? I’m not getting her flowers.

Maybe you should take it slow.

I’m dating someone, not drinking whiskey, but if this were whiskey, I’d want to risk a hangover. At least then I’d  know I’d been drinking. You know who takes it slow in a relationship? People who don’t like the person they’re dating and people who are too scared of failure to reach for success. And from my experience, failure is an important step to success. I’ve heard Unanswered Prayers and God Bless the Broken Road. Apparently, people feel like they’ve won once they’ve found the right person, and if that’s true, then I want to move faster. I want to take more chances. I want to live bigger! If love is for the rugged then dating is for the resilient, and I’ll keep on getting up until I’m tough enough to not fall down. Slow down? I won’t slow down! Damnit! What’s the number for the closest floral shop?

When I said take it slow, I just meant, like, don’t have a kid or something.

Oh. Uh, thanks.

When you’re comfortable splitting entrees with your date at a restaurant, that’s when it’s serious.

I’ll write that down (and I did).

You should always leave the overnight bag in your car unless told to bring your stuff in. It looks like a rape kit.

Hey! What’d we say about the rape jokes!?….That’s a good point though.

You should try getting drunk together. That always takes things to the next level.

Not saying I haven’t attempted it, but that is patently bad advice.

The best thing you can offer someone you love is the effort to constantly improve yourself. It’ll make every loved one who’s life is connected to yours better too. That’s what a relationship is really about. it inspires you. Makes you feel like gatsby. keeps you going up.

Like Gatsby. Now that’s good advice.

Taking more chances,
Dusty “The Destitute Man’s Gatsby” Riedesel

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Should You Watch Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? We’ll Answer That For You

Because one of my fav’s Mark Lisanti was always so helpful in guiding my movie choices with the Q&A format below, I can do no less. You can also entitle this: “What I did with my lunch hour.” Enjoy.

“There was an idea to bring together a group of remarkable people, so when we needed them, they could fight the battles that we never could…” That was Nick Fury laying down a brilliantly shameless piece of exposition to explain both The Avengers and its titular super-hero team. The flick consisted of megastars that laid quips and beatdowns with the same efficiency that a building-sized arc reactor provides clean energy. Generally applauded for its boner-inducing action, the movie has currently grossed somewhere between $1.46 billion and the annual salary of an Asgardian metallurgist. It’s been a hit.

Click forward a year and a half. We’re gearing up for fall TV, and unless you’ve been in suspended animation somewhere in the North Atlantic Ocean, you’ve heard about the under-powered TV spinoff, Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.(.) The season premiere airs tonight at 8/7c. Naturally, you, the curious consumer, is wondering whether or not this show is worth your time. We here at Writing Bareback are happy to address your concerns.

Are you a fan of Marvel’s movie franchises that culminated in The Avengers?

This could mean anything. Maybe you liked the way that Natalie Portman brought subtweeting to acting when she looked at Chris Hemsworth’s Thor as if to say, “You’re so much hotter than your brother.” Maybe you were honestly conflicted over whether you found Steve Rogers’ earnesty more endearing than the more-sizzle-than-steak panache of Tony Stark? Maybe you just realy dig flying, invisibles hellicarriers. There’s a lot going on, so there’s a lot to like. And, yeah, you’re a fan.

Well, you’re SEEING IT. Because Disney wouldn’t have put millions into research and marketing for fans to not migrate.

Do you find Clark Gregg charming?

Duh, and/or hello! You were so taken by Agent Coulson after Iron Man 2 that you probably didn’t notice that he showed up in every single movie without a first name until The Avengers. Well, you’re WATCHING THIS SHOW. It’s a special kind of charm that makes you want someone around even though you don’t know their first name. Hookers have it. Superheros have it. And Agent Coulson had it. Do the math. He’s the superhero movie hooker that took the money to be this show’s hero.

Are you easily engaged by shows built around acronym-named organizations keeping the peace?

Tough to say. The CSI shows have been succeesful in a generic way, but you don’t really like those anymore than you like original Cheerios. Was MASH an acronym? That show was supposed to be pretty good. Now, the MIB thing was always cool, but that was a movie. Truth is, you wouldn’t even know what SHIELD stands for unless the trailer address it. You’re in luck.

Maria Hill: What does S.H.I.E.L.D. stand for, Agent Ward?
Grant Ward: Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.
Maria Hill: And what does that mean to you?
Grant Ward: That someone really wanted our initials to spell out “shield.”

That postively, self-depricating bit of dialogue has quelled your fears, so YOU’RE TUNING IN.

Are you such a big fan of the hulk-like unstoppability of Avenger’s Writer/Director Joss whedon’s writing on projects ranging from toy story to Buffy the Vampire Slayer that you’ll tune in to anything he has a hand in and even consider branding yourself with an “In Joss We Trust” tattoo?

Proceed with caution since Joss is only writing the first episode. His ongoing role is an unknown, so maybe hold off on the tattoo. But he’s writing tonight’s episode, so guess what. YOU WILL BE SEEING TONIGHT’S EPISODE.

But what if you’re not a joss whedon fan?

Maybe SEE IT ANYWAY. After all, he might not be that involved going forward.

what if i’m very specifically an iron man fan do to the comedic timing and all-around “no one does deuschebag better than me” performances of robert downey jr?

You should SKIP IT. RDJ is now getting paid in Extremis patents and other back-end movie negotiations because there aren’t enough liquid assets in Hollywood to purchase his “no one does deuschebag better than me” performances.

But seriously, is Clark Gregg really going to be that charming?

As charming as a super-powered hooker. You’re SEEING IT.

Thank me later,
Dusty “DEFINITELY SEEING IT” Riedesel

Take Your Girlfriend On More Dates Or She Will Dump You. You’ve Been Warned

Every now and then I type-puke a paranoid, exaggerated rant on a mundanity of life.

You know what sucks about being in a committed relationship? It’s that romance is a relentless, insatiable beast! Did you whisk your girl down to the Yucatan Peninsula so that you could make love atop an oceanside Mayan temple while seagulls squawked their approval of the financial and creative investments you put into picking a vacation hump space? That was a strong move. Did you think that would get you a reprieve from thinking up dates for the next three Fridays? Well you know your women like Mayans know their apocalypses.

Eddie Murphy said it best, “What have you done for me, lately?” The need for relational attentiveness is like a disease that can’t be cured. You either let the relationship die, or you keep injecting treatments of dates, flowers, thoughtful texts and generally good behavior. Go to treatment if you want to live.

The date might be the most important, repetitive piece of treatment in the boyfriend’s interactive toolbox. It highlights the majority of what you’re all about as a couple. The key is that you both have a good time doing it, which is easy in the short run. Let me go ahead and throw the no-brainers at you for free: Movie, dinner, sporting event (go with her team, it’s sports), concert, waterside picnic (pool, river, lake, beach, whatever), local brewery, movie rental, cook for her, workday lunch, First Fridays, farmer’s market brunch, and the always acceptable “drinks.” You’ve got 12 dates there, and most of them are recyclable for venues and performance.

You’ve got a great foundation there, but it’s not good enough. You’ll have to throw in something amazing like going on what she thinks is a trip to the mountains only to find yourselves in a staged life-and-death run from timberland bandits with an “it was all a joke” ending like a romantic version of The Game. That’ll breath some life back into the relationship. It’s just something you’ll have to do, ideally on a quarterly basis.

Women are in a constant state of life evaluation. Somewhere between 98-99% [citation unnecessary] of the romantic aspect of this  life-evaluation go through a daily process called “gossip.” This “gossip” is an organic, group-think session through which females survey their counterparts of gender and sexual-orientation to see if they’re getting what they deserve from their significant other. A woman learns as much from listening to the lives of others as they do from feedback on their own lives. Basically a infantile attempt at the wisdom of crowds. While publications and technology have helped standardize the process by broadening the sample size beyond an emotionally attached inner circle, it’s still a troublesome model.

The inherent problem with the “gossip” model is the bias of its users. Participants say what they want others to believe, and they hear what they want to believe. If you’re a guy, the best defense against this potentially destructive echo-chamber of is to do your work early. Keep your woman believing in your romantic efforts, and then she’ll say and hear the things that reinforce your status as relationship worthy.

Some of you are thinking, “But Dust, my girl’s cool. She doesn’t care what we do as long as we’re together.” You poor fool. You’re either about to get dumped, getting cheated on, or maybe both.

Some of you are thinking, “Not my girl, Dust. She’s got a good head on her shoulders. She loves that “Perfect” song by Sara Evans, which—get this—is all about not being perfect!” You poor fool. She’s not realistic. She’s sold on a fairy tale of “normal” that she’s as committed to as I am to this blog post……Hello nurse! Sara Evans is hot!

Look, it’s Friday as I write this. I’m done writing and didn’t have anywhere particular I was going with this. Dates are a thing. Love is for the rugged. Originally I was going to write about the merits of movies as a renewable source of romantic value and why you should be seeing Enough Said this weekend if it opens near you. It got away from me, but I stand by that premise. Watch this trailer. Looks good. We’ll make an effort at coherent writing another time.

Final thought: In the long run, escorts are probably cheaper.

Hoping my girlfriend didn’t read this,
Dusty “Tulum’s Next Tourist” Riedesel

Dontari Poe gives Kansas City BBQ Credit for MVP Candidacy

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — ESPN’s Dan Graziano ranks the NFL’s MVP candidates each week. This week, with the Kansas City Chiefs advancing to 2-0, he has nose tackle Dontari Poe as No. 10 on his list. Interviewed in Philadelphia this morning, Poe demurred with a chuckle when asked why he’d played so well up to this point in the season.

“It’s truly humbling just to be recognized,” Poe said. “Honestly, I wish I could take more of the credit, but I can’t. All I can do is keep giving 100% on the field and thank Kansas City barbecue for giving me the ability to play football.”

When asked to elaborate, Poe let out a breath and turned westward as his eyes glazed over with a 1,136-mile stare. “I’m just really grateful to have so many good men in my corner. There’s Arthur [Bryant’s], Jack [Stack], [Oklahoma] Joe, Gates, and the list goes on. When we take the field tonight, I’m going to give my all for them.”

Poe famously gave up eating barbecue to get in shape for the season, a necessary discipline he said. “I loved barbecue too much. I was so obsessed with barbecue that I wasn’t being the man it needed me to be. Those guys in my corner, when we met, it was a sweet ‘n’ tangy love affair. Comforting, full-filling. But I got abusive, and pretty soon I was finding myself into some weird stuff. I was putting “Night of the Living Sauce” sauce on my Cheesy Corn Bake, even on my vegetable medley. I was catering one meal from three different restaurants. I’d taken something pure and simple and turned it into a free-for-all, barebecue gangbang.” Poe broke his 1,136-mile stare and sighed.

“I had to quit. Did it out of love. But Creed already said it better than me:

I hear a fire in the distance
See a vision of a sauce
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A pig squeals in the darkness
Only he holds the key
A bite to free me from my burden
And grant me bbq eternally

Thanks again for the recognition guys. Truly humbling.”

The Chiefs play the Philadelphia Eagles at 8:25pm eastern time on NFL network.

Thanks for reading, pal! – A Blogger’s Pain

So this popped up in my Twitter feed yesterday:

Andy Greenwald is my favorite recapper and TV writer, so I couldn’t help but be amused. James Tyler was asking Andy Greenwald about FX’s The Bridge because Andy writes about TV for a living. It can sensibly be considered a common interest. Well, Tyler wasn’t wrong, actually. Greenwald has written about every single episode of The Bridge for his employer, Grantland.com.

Part of you feels bad for Tyler. It’s not often you show interest in someone’s opinion by stating that you’ve been actively ignoring their opinion for months. How’s he bounce back? “Oh, shoot man. I’m sorry I didn’t take time to Google what a TV writer took time to write about TV before asking him what he thought of TV.” Part of me doesn’t blame him. It happens. It’s no big deal. Carry on.

I know because this happens with me on a semi-weekly basis. I write about a game/show/song, post links to it on my Twitter and my Facebook, and then one of my best friends will be asking me if I saw said event a couple days later even five minutes after he tells me he loves the blog. Thanks for reading, pal! I want to be indignant, and then I remember that no one cares what I think and my mom dresses me funny. I retreat back to my bloggery and blog about my “friend” not reading the blog. It’s my cross to bear.

Accepting your sympathetic Facebook likes,
Dusty “PityPit” Riedesel

Chiefs Fan Log: Mining Optimism as a Fan Gets Tasered in Arrowhead Stadium Parking Lot

Arrowhead Stadium used to be one of the most feared venues in all of sports. The stadium looked like a Red Sea of drunken Midwesterners whose BBQ-fueled roars were made deafening by their corn-fed lungs. The 90s were great.

Chiefs fans like myself are super optimistic about this season. It just feels like we’re a real club again. Andy Reid and Alex Smith, despite their roller-coaster pasts, feels like the second coming of Marty Schottenheimer and Rich Gannon. While that might not sound awesome to successful franchises, it definitely beats a guy who couldn’t even start at QB in college (behind guys who proved incapable of playing the NFL) and a head coach who wasn’t even smart enough to make up a reason why his best player only had five carries. Chiefs are currently 2-0. Things are looking up.

Now there’s this video of a Chiefs fan getting tasered by the cops, and it’s a little depressing. You see the guy’s buttcrack, the futility of his struggle, and you think, “C’mon man, the Chiefs are doing okay this year. You’ve got a lot to be excited about. This is no time to get tazed. Or is it tasered? I’m not really sure how the past tense of that verb is used, but you get the spirit of what I’m saying right? I mean, maybe save getting, uh, zapped for when Peyton Manning, destroyer of worlds, eviscerates the Chiefs and makes you feel a desire for civil punishment as a flagellating distraction from the far worse emotional pain of defeat. You know?”

On the bright side, this appears to be a crime of passion, whatever he was doing. And that passion comes at the tail-end of a raucous Chiefs crowd and a gritty Chiefs win. We’ll sort out the behavioral issues as we adjust to the success. But Kansas City football is back! And Arrowhead is rocking! KCPD is ready, are you?

5 (not so) Discretely Sexy Songs You Need to Have on your Playlist

Fall is now upon us. Along with pumpkin beer and football, now is the time of year you can cuddle up close with the fairer sex without feeling like you’re going to overheat and suffocate. Side note: Ladies, I don’t know what it is, but whatever temperature we guys are in bed, you are guaranteed to be about 25 degrees hotter or colder. Somehow your feet are like icicles and your body is the sun.

Now that I have that out of the way, since you’ll be snuggling up close on the couch, under the same blanket, you’ll need the right music to set the mood. Below are 5 songs who’s sound/lyrics/both are not so discrete and are all kinds of sexy.

1. The Neighbourhood – Sweater Weather – “One love, two mouths. One love, one house No shirt, no blouse. Just us.” Couldn’t have said it better myself. As is evident by the >6 million views, this isn’t a new song. But if you don’t know, now you know.

2. Royal Teeth – Wild – “We feel young at heart. I believe that I can make you scream. I believe that I can make you scream for me.” Young love is dumb love. And also amazing. Isn’t that what we all want? A simple kinda love?

3. The Weeknd – Twenty Eight – Quite frankly, any song of his could be on a playlist. He is absolute, raw talent and the beats are so damn sexy.

4. Say Anything – Wow! I can get sexual too – The video is shameless spoofing every rap video ever made, but the lyrics carry all the weight. One of my all-time favorite songs. It just feels good (that’s what she said).

5. Dear Hunter – Red Hands – This song starts slow and caring, then catapults into energetic guitar riffs with “take off your sweater, your shoes, your shirt and get to work.” Then it climaxes around 4 minutes and calms down at 5:30 for pillow talk….err…I mean the outro. And that was an analogy.

I’m too sexy for this blog,

Tommy “Setting the Mood” Cooksey