Here’s Some Relationship Advice You Should Definitely Ignore

Here’s some things that are more annoying than someone giving you relationship advice:

  • Hiccups
  • The stoppers underneath a new ketchup bottle’s cap
  • Falling for that “hand smells like peanut butter” joke
  • Twilight, in general
  • The clap
  • Falling for the “Hello…Speak up I can’t hear you…Stop yelling this is just a voicemail” joke
  • Anyone doing this stuff on social media
  • People saying “spoiler alert” instead of just shutting up
  • Bad flow from an ink pen.

I could go on, but in an effort to not add “the completely unproductive hobby of blogging” to the list, I try to write, edit and post each article in under an hour. So that’s the list. Keep in mind, calling things like cancer or rape “annoying” might be great for jokes in a specific crowd, but it’s mostly in bad taste and I wouldn’t joke about it. So like I said, that’s the list.

You should memorize this list as a “could be worse” reminder when someone starts hocking misguided relational platitudes at you. Here’s some of the crap I’ve heard (some of it directed at me, some of it to those around me) in the last couple of months.

It’s really important to like the person you’re in love with.

I don’t even know what that means. Have you ever actually met someone who married an axe murderer?

You should at least send flowers if you’ve been dating two months.

What is that, the wet balsa-wood anniversary?

What about the six-month anniversary?

I’m still confused. The anniversary of what? Meeting each other? We’ve known each other for six months. Don’t you think she’ll see through the ploy when my mother of 27 years and my sister of 21 years only get phone calls on their birthdays? I’m not getting her flowers.

Maybe you should take it slow.

I’m dating someone, not drinking whiskey, but if this were whiskey, I’d want to risk a hangover. At least then I’d  know I’d been drinking. You know who takes it slow in a relationship? People who don’t like the person they’re dating and people who are too scared of failure to reach for success. And from my experience, failure is an important step to success. I’ve heard Unanswered Prayers and God Bless the Broken Road. Apparently, people feel like they’ve won once they’ve found the right person, and if that’s true, then I want to move faster. I want to take more chances. I want to live bigger! If love is for the rugged then dating is for the resilient, and I’ll keep on getting up until I’m tough enough to not fall down. Slow down? I won’t slow down! Damnit! What’s the number for the closest floral shop?

When I said take it slow, I just meant, like, don’t have a kid or something.

Oh. Uh, thanks.

When you’re comfortable splitting entrees with your date at a restaurant, that’s when it’s serious.

I’ll write that down (and I did).

You should always leave the overnight bag in your car unless told to bring your stuff in. It looks like a rape kit.

Hey! What’d we say about the rape jokes!?….That’s a good point though.

You should try getting drunk together. That always takes things to the next level.

Not saying I haven’t attempted it, but that is patently bad advice.

The best thing you can offer someone you love is the effort to constantly improve yourself. It’ll make every loved one who’s life is connected to yours better too. That’s what a relationship is really about. it inspires you. Makes you feel like gatsby. keeps you going up.

Like Gatsby. Now that’s good advice.

Taking more chances,
Dusty “The Destitute Man’s Gatsby” Riedesel

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3 responses to “Here’s Some Relationship Advice You Should Definitely Ignore

  1. I asked my dad for relationship advice a total of ONE time in my life… very similar to one you received: GET DRUNK TOGETHER. THEN YOU’LL KNOW WHAT HE’S REALLY THINKING.

    But hey, it worked.

    • Miriam, such a blogger at heart. Opening up and letting the world know what’s going on, on the inside. My dad once gave me relationship advice but it involved mermaids and government conspiracy, so I’ve yet to follow it.

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