Hand Sanitizer Is Bad For You. Stop Using It Immediately

A friend of mine recently shared a basic fact like it was news. He said it turns out that hand sanitizer doesn’t do any better at preventing germs than soap and water.

I nearly slapped him for wasting my time.

I love when I see someone using hand sanitizer because it’s the ultimate tell that I’m dealing with a putz (doofus, sucker, goon, lemming, etc). Putting on hand sanitizer is a subconscious form of self loathing. “Hey self, did you know you can’t withstand a handshake?” Literal millennia went by without hand sanitizer, and people got along just fine. And trust me, when the real killers like HIV or the bubonic plague hit, a little Purel wasn’t the answer.

We’re built to take some abuse. It makes us better. Want stronger muscles? Train them by pressing against more resistance than your everyday life requires. Don’t want to get sick during the winter? Don’t guard yourself against every myopic interaction. Doorknobs, coffee pots, that folder your colleague handed you, they’re all germ battleships. You’ve probably indirectly touched 12 penises today alone.

You’re better off for it. It means you’re immune system won’t fold life an origami crane the moment a seven year old brushes your trousers. This is my official warning to the world. I’ve bitten my tongue too long. If I see you using hand sanitizer, you will be mocked. And if you see me licking doorknobs, don’t worry about it. My immune system is in Wolverine training.

Daring you to shake my hand,
Dusty “White Blood” Riedesel

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