Monthly Archives: January 2014

10 Days Every Year that You’re Going to Get Drunk

Drinking alcohol socially is fun. Drinking alcohol alone, with no purpose is depressing. When we were in college, both were socially acceptable. Remember the days of boozing until 5AM, waking up at 10AM and not feeling even the slightest hint of a hangover? Nowadays I think twice before ordering that second glass of Pinot Noir with dinner, for fear of waking up like someone hit me in the head with a Louisville Slugger the night before. As a result, I’m very selective about which days of the hear I drink to excess. Look Ma, your boys all grown up!

With every passing year, I widdle down the days and at the ripe old age of 28, I’ve settled on 10 days each year when I’ll allow myself to take my drinking over the edge. (Disclaimer: Weddings and birthdays are always grounds for partaking in several adult beverages).

1. New Year’s Eve – Doesn’t matter what year. If you’re with a group or just with your significant other. If you’re out on the town or a house party. If you’re drinking to forget the prior year or celebrate the possibilities of a new one. You’re drinking, and you’re loving it. And you’ll always drink too much champagne – hangover enemy number 1.

2. Super Bowl Sunday – There’s a 1/16 chance (generally speaking) that your team is playing. If not, you care more about the food and the alcohol you’ll be consuming during the 5 hour affair of commercials, half time show and saying “I don’t care who wins, as long as it’s a good game.”

3. Valentine’s Day – Dusty added this one in an email chain we had going, and I have no idea why. I think he was single at the time of the email, so that might be why. Or maybe he likes to drink copious amounts of Barefoot Merlot and get real weird with his significant other.

4. St. Patty’s Day – Green beer, Guiness, Baby Guiness, Jameson. In recent years, St. Patty’s Day has fallen on a weekend and it’s been spectacular. Someone will inevitably pinch you too hard because you forgot to wear green (tough holiday for us blue-green color blind folk). You give me a titty twister (aka purple nurple) and you will get punched in the face.

Possibly the best drink on earth.

5. Cinco de Mayo – You’re likely eating crappy Mexican food and washing it down with a delicious Mexican beer or a margarita or a shot of tequila or a delicious Margorona. Some buzz killer will certainly bring up the irony of you celebrating the bloody Battle of Pueblo. Tell that hipster to shut up and take this shot of Cuervo with you.

6. Memorial Day – You have Monday off? DRINK! Here in the Cooksey household we host an annual party complete with grilling, corn hole and American flags. 2104 will be the 5th annual, and something I’m thoroughly looking forward to. This Bud’s for you. Or PBR, both are patriotic as hell.

7. 4th of July – When we were kids we used to get excited about sparklers and watching fireworks at the county fairgrounds. That excitement is now saved for poolside beers for an entire day. I think this should be a 2 day holiday and we should the 5th off as well.

8. Your local Oktoberfest – Never been to one? If unlimited beer consumption, brats, cool weather and lederhosens don’t get you excited, then what the hell are you reading this post for? Stop it with those judgmental eyes. PROBST!

9. Adult Halloween – Since my birthday is on October 29th, this one’s extra special and extra intoxicated. Guys dress like fools, girls dress like (classy) hookers and everyone drinks and laughs until it hurts. Candy stomach aches are replaced by alcohol induced vomiting and waking up in your costume.

10. Thanksgiving Eve – Bars tote this as one of the heaviest drinking days of the year. You and your friends have all made the trip home and bellied up to your local watering hole to drink and reminisce about high school. These nights and Facebook have all but negated the need for class reunions.

11 (Surprise! Bonus drinking day!). Friendsmas – Or maybe by some other name. Sometime between December 18th and December 23rd, you and your friends get together, exchange gifts (or not) and drink to the year of good times, good friends and comfort and joy.

Now I’m in the mood to have a drink or several. Catch you on the flip side.

I’ll have a vodka redbull, hold the vodka,

Tommy “No-Hangover” Cooksey

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Dreaming About The End Of The World

I had a dream about visiting Greensboro and getting stuck there in an apocalyptic end of times brought about by an original Darkseid-esque figure. We tried to fight it in guerilla fashion, but our Red Dawn tactics were ineffective. So instead we all retreated to the bar where I saw an old buddy from college who was being a real prick about the whole thing. I drank too much and woke up in a woods-enclosed apartment that my girlfriend and I had apparently moved into during the fallout. I justify breaking my old beliefs on cohabitation, because, you know, the end of the world. I’m intentionally not returning calls from Darkseid who was probably trying to enslave me or something, and I’m a little embarrassed about our living situation. It’s not a nice apartment. The landlord is a guy named Klein who just drops by unannounced and makes himself way too comfortable. I can see the Duke University football field from my living room window, which is kind of nice since they were pretty good last season. My girlfriend asks me how I’m going to get back to Greensboro to get my car. I wake up.

‘SNL’ Hires 3 Black Women, But You Can’t Beat the Man

So this was published by PolicyMic yesterday. It was quickly unpublished for “reading too much like blog post.” Do I know what that means? Of course I don’t, but you have to just keep on keeping on. And yes, I’m well aware of the irony in a site deciding that my post that talks about “newsworthiness” is not newsworthy. Don’t be a dick.

'snl', hires, 3, black, women,, but, you, can't, beat, the, man,                                               Image Credit: AP

Saturday Night Live just hired two black, female writers. After some deep meditation and careful consideration about how I should feel about this, all I can say is, “My hat is off to you, Lorne Michaels.”

On the surface, this is a huge win.

Image credit: Giphy

People were pissed that SNL didn’t have any black females in their cast. They cast Sasheer Zamata and immediately people called it pacification, a proverbial lipstick on racist pigs. Now SNL has hired LaKendra Tookes and Leslie Jones as writers.

Image credit: Sasheer Zamata

SNL has provided important satirical insight into hundreds of cultural and political issues that we’ve faced over the past four decades. And in the U.S., few issues have been more important than the evolution of race and gender equality. That SNL didn’t have one black female contributing to its creativity or representing its product was bad. It just was. If you don’t get why, I can’t help you. You were probably really cool in high school.

One of my biggest problems is that I can’t tell what constitutes “newsworthiness” anymore. Blame a 24-hour news cycle. Blame TMZ. Blame the damn internet for this “clicks equals care” mentality (your headline may have garnered a smattering of my attention BuzzFeed, but that doesn’t mean I care about the 18 ways juicing is taking over my life). The truth is that the fight for attention has become just as important as bringing attention to important fights.

This was an important fight. One that, coincidentally, won the fight for attention. And that’s where irony kicks in, because even though this feels like a win, I have no idea who we beat.

Lorne Michaels has been running SNL for 38 years. If you believe that he or his staff were being intentionally biased in not hiring deserving black women, then the rabid attention that led to these hires is actually going to aid ratings and preserve the show’s executive hierarchy, racist or not.

So whether you’ve duped us championed us, my hat is off to you, Lorne Michaels.

5 Things You Need to Do in 2014

Happy New Year! It’s 2014 and we all made through unlucky ’13 alive. Dusty has carried me most of this holiday season on the posts (he’s actually carried me since August) so it’s time to pick it back up. 2104 is the Year of the Horse, so what does that mean? Time to poop and sleep standing up whilst grazing in a field!!!

While wasting time this past Friday afternoon, I sent Dusty a  link to a “25 Resolutions You Need to Keep as a Man” blog post. The irony of this blog post was that the #1 Resolution was something to the effect of “Make your own decisions; don’t let other tell you how to live your life.” Dusty aptly pointed out that he was reading the post not because I said so, or the author said he should, but because he decided to on his own accord.

This post encouraged me, not instructed me, to come up with a few things you should do in 2014 to continue to improve as a human being walking this earth. So, choose to do them, or don’t. But you should.

1. Say Thank You More Often – Or thanks, or I appreciate you/your help or really any rendition of the statement showing your gratitude. Sure, maybe you’re pretty good and handle your own, but chances are people have helped and are still helping. It might be something as minor as the cashier at Food Lion (yeah I shop there) bagging your groceries, but let them know they’re appreciated. People deserve to hear it.

Related point – when tipping, 20% is the new 15%. Stop being a tight ass.

2. Hold the Door for a Stranger – Hell, hold it for a whole group of people. You’re busy, I get it. Holding the door for someone is possibly the easiest, every day way to say to a stranger, “Hey, we’re all in this race together.” Also, “I’m not a giant doucher.”

3. Let your friends and family know you love them – Yeah, you’ll have your share of disagreements and you don’t always have to like them, but they’ve put up with your obnoxious ass for nearly 3 decades. Let em know you appreciate them being part of your world.

4. Actually work out. I’m partial, since I thoroughly enjoy working out. But even if you don’t love it, the benefits are undeniable. Stress relief, weight loss (aka Look Good Naked), make friends, make friends of the opposite sex, etc etc etc. Here are a few tips you might find helpful:

  • Start out with a few days a week
  • Don’t go in on Day 1 and try and run a half marathon or bench press the weight you did in high school (that was 11 years ago, bud)
  • Make it part of your schedule. Whether you go at 6am or at lunch or right after work. Do it at the same time every day. If you don’t make it part of your schedule, it’ll be too easy to say “I got so busy today, I didn’t get a chance to exercise.” And then you’ll say it for 11 consecutive months.

5. Try something you’ve never tried before. This is intentionally vague. I tried Indian food for the first time a few weeks ago. I was always afraid of the spice. Not on the way in, but on the way out. Here’s a list of new things you can try:

  • Bar
  • Restaurant
  • Sex position
  • Beer
  • Food
  • Sport
  • Soap
  • Workout (see #4)
  • etc etc etc

6. Start a blog. Actually, don’t. That could potentially detract from our readers. So don’t start a blog.

So here’s to 2014, let’s make it great.

Tommy “Are GIFs Still Cool” Cooksey

Civil Justice, A Kansas Fan Takes Action Against Tar Heel Scandal

My buddy sent me and a few friends this article entitled “The Scandal Bowl: Tar Heels Football, Academic Fraud, and Implicit Racism.” Even though the topic has been covered for years, I felt like maybe key individuals needed to be alerted to the subtle implications attached to this event. So I jumped into action.

First, as a friend, I replied directly to the one one guy on the email who was a UNC grad by saying, “So surprising from a university of such acclaimed academic rigor, amiright?”

Next, as a commited fan of Kansas University, I forwarded the article to Charlie Weis with the subject line, “what it takes to win FATBOY…” He hasn’t responded yet, but you can expect KU football recruits to get better for about three years before anyone catches on. Worth it.

Then, I forwarded the article to Mark Emmert (yep, CEO of the NCAA), with a subject line that said, “birds (=UNC athletes) of a feather (=seriously, check the bball program too).” So that should probably ensure the justice gets spread around.

I’ve also started the paperwork for background checks on everyone I know who graduated from UNC. Especially the individuals who seem interested in Afro-American studies.

Go Kansas. Go non-cheating Midwestern values. Go future cheating Midwestern values.

Finally, I’m going to send an email to Roy Williams on behalf of Bill Self that we think he’d make a great “outside consultant” to the Kansas staff. Subject line will be, “we still love you too, Roy…” with the purposeful ellipses leading him to open the email and see the opening compensation for outside consultants as “Your own sense of self-worth, and perhaps a good lead on a twilight job at a school like SMU.”

Dishing out justice like a man,
Dusty “The E-Male” Riedesel