Daily Archives: June 20, 2014

7 Things You’ll See at Any Crossfit Box

 

Yes, I am an avid Crossfitter. You’ve heard it dozens if not 100’s of times that unlike Fight Club, the first rule of Crossfit is you don’t shut the hell up about Crossfit. Disclaimer: this isn’t one of those “support” or “attack” Crossfit blog posts that you’ve seen on your Facebook feed for the last few weeks spurring massive debates not dissimilar to political dates with neither side conceding an inch.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m in the best shape of my life, met my girlfriend and have become more mentally resilient since joining, so obviously I’d be on the support side of this debate. However, the purpose of this post is to point out some observations I’ve made over the last year and a half. So whether you already belong to a box (hehe) or ever plan to give it a try and drop-in, be on the look out for these things.

1. The Chalk Monster

He/she is the close relative of the Cookie Monster who resides on Sesame St. Like the Cookie Monster and cookies, this guy has an insatiable need to chalk up his hands before any and EVERY lift. Look closely around his workspace and you might think you’re working out in a Scarface remake. Bonus points if he Lebron’s the chalk after powdering up.

2. The Gear Hound

If this person tried to bring their gym bag on a flight it wouldn’t fit in carry-on and US Airways would charge them $25 to check their bag. Within this suitcase..err…gym bag you’ll find something specialized for every movement. Lifting shoes, Metcon shoes, running shoes, 3 different style wrist wraps, knee sleeves, etc etc etc. He’s the kind of person that if he played football, he’d wear these pointless arm band things.

3. The Eager Beaver

First to finish the warm-up. Always wants to be movement demo for the class. Often quoted as saying “My warm up weight IS my max weight.” This guy was also a gym class hero in high school.

4. The Way Stronger Than They Look

Oh that girl is 5’4″ 125lbs and she’s got 3 hundo on the bar to squat. GTFOH! You’re thinking this defies all logic and reason, but alas Crossfit is full of people that leave you thinking, “how the hell did they just lift all that damn weight?” Just remember, that unlike Planet Fitness, EVERY DAY IS LEG DAY in the box.

5. The Bleeder

Any time you’re lifting weights and/or doing a lot of pull ups, you’re going to form callouses. So inevitably, during a pull up day you’ll hear someone yell an expletive or 7. After the WOD, they WILL show you their hands and you WILL cringe at their palms that look like they’ve been put through a meat grinder.

(I was going to post a picture here, but its rough. Google “crossfit hand rip” if you don’t get queasy over blood)

6. The Slammer

You’re using bumper plates and lifting heavy weights above your head, so dropping the weight after a successful lift is perfectly ok. But the guy the lifts the weight, and instead of just dropping it, tries to slam it to the Earth’s core…now that’s just not needed. Take it easy King Koopa

7. Athletic Tape

Everywhere.

 

 

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Friends Wanted: Must Love Basketball

So I recently sent my “friends” the following email:

Guys, let me paint a picture for you:

It’s summer. You know this because of the familiar heat vaporizing the dew into a thick morning haze that would cause you to sweat through your shirt. It would, but you’re not wearing a shirt. Your beloved team captain won the right to multitask. Sun and fun. The other team is uncomfortably “shirts”. So you’ve got that going for you.
 
Frankly, you haven’t played in a while. And it’s exhausting. I should really drink more water. Your hands are soaked with sweat from touching your opponents shirt. You wipe it on your shorts before taking off around a screen. Moving left, you step with a series of functions happening in a wave of physio-nostalgic perfection. A catch, a turn, a shift in weight, a subconscious aim, and a release that feels unsettlingly familiar. The undissected poetry of motion happens in the space of a second, and it’s all rewarded with a “thwip” that is partly a sound and mostly a fire. Clients, bosses, responsibilities and demands are incinerated by the moment. You are metabolising the world’s bullshit. And you’re doing that with basketball. 

I’m thinking 10 am at Kiwanis Park. 2525 Noble Road, Raleigh, NC 27608. Invite whoever and let’s get a few games before the World Cup or the real world start needing you back at Noon. What do you say?

So I have one of these friends committed. A backout move from the brothers Cooksey that I can’t be too angry about since I recently committed and backed out of watching USA World Cup game (we’ll call it even).

You’d think that painting a word picture about playing basketball on a sunny, American morning could sell a free activity these days. It didn’t. But like any self-centered A-hole, I’m not taking responsibility for any of this. I blame my friends for making poor decisions. If you need me, I’ll be playing my imaginary alter-ego in a game of HORSE this Saturday.

He always lets me win,
Russ Diesel