Category Archives: Dusty’s Posts

Worth a Visit? McDonald’s, specifically for the Filet-O-Fish Sandwich.

 

I’d never tried the Filet-O-Fish. I just didn’t come from that school of dietary thought. But after positive reviews from my Facebook glide (flying high on Filet-O-Fish. Seriously, a bunch of flying fishes are called a glide), I knew I had to be one of the grouper. As is sometimes my duty, I will answer your burning questions about the Filet-O-Fish Sandwich. Most importantly, does it make McDonald’s, worth a visit?

are you into fish as a consumable?

Sure you are. And why not? There are lots of reasons to eat fish. It’s considered healthier than land meat. It’s full of Omega 3s, which are supposed to be good even if you don’t actually know that much about the dietary value of fish. Maybe you’ve given up “meat” for the liturgical practice of Lent to secure passage into the afterlife, which sounds bulletproof. Maybe you’re against the way the fast-food industrial complex treats animals but you’re still into convenience and a fish is more like an alien anyway. Maybe you just enjoy the the mouthfeel of a flaky Alaskan Pollock crumbling so gently that you can chew it with your tongue.

In any of the cases, YOU SHOULD VISIT McDonald’s for a Filet-O-Fish Sandwich.

But maybe you’re not into fish. I mean, pollution is a real problem and a lot of that ends up in the water, and I’m sure McDonald’s is getting a fresh catch from the open seas. Are Alaskan Pollock from the open seas? Look, you don’t know that much about fish, we’ve covered that, but they’re kind of icky, and you’re not into them as a consumable.

You WILL NOT VISIT FOR THE FILET-O-FISH SANDWICH. Get the McNuggets because they seem safer. 

Are you a millennial, a generation that, when surveyed, ranked mcdonald’s as their least favorite restaurant and probably (but not definitely) backed that ranking with an editorial stance on mcdonald’s that mostly trashes it as a gross slaughter house of unclean garbage food?

You are (likely).

Don’t compromise your beliefs. It is NOT WORTH VISITING.

Are you a millennial that, despite what you’ve said in surveys, are still part of a generation that visits mcdonald’s more than any other restaurant in america.

Duh. It’s America, so you’re never further than 107 miles from a McDonalds in the continental 48. It’s basically impossible to not go to McDonald’s.

Perception is reality. YOU’VE ALREADY VISITED, but you do it by yourself and don’t tell anyone.

Did you enjoy these sweet tidbits about millennials that were torn directly from this author’s “I swear one day it will be out and available for purchase” book Cheeto Dust….And other blood on millennial hands?

If so, keep an eye out. I’ll buy you a Filet-O-Fish Sandwich at McDonalds while watching you read and react to every detail, waiting patiently until you’re in between bites and have dabbed the pickled relish mayo from your lips so you can answer questions I have like, “Did you read the footnote too?”

C’mon. A free Filet-O-Fish with a potential author of something you might possibly enjoy maybe? YOU HAVE TO VISIT!

did I say pickled relish mayo? that sounds like an interesting topping that might be worth visiting for.

I did say that, because that’s what I thought it was, but it’s actually a custom tartar sauce. Blend mayonnaise, 2 tablespoons relish, capers, 1 tablespoon chopped onion, parsley, and sugar in a blender until smooth. Stir remaining relish and onion into the blended mixture.

You still want to try that, but you’re not exactly rushing to the nearest McDonald’s, no matter how conveniently they’ve placed it near your home, work, gym, and directly next door to your favorite boozery (or dispensery in certain more understanding states). Now that you’re thinking about it, you could really just tack a Filet-O-Fish onto an order anytime you stop by McDonald’s, because no matter what diet of the month your doing, you’ll stop by there eventually. Even if you tell yourself you’re just getting that $1 large Coca-Cola because it’s better there than anywhere else, you’ll probably be a little hungry too, and it’s not like anyone’s going to know you ordered yourself a frankly overpriced fish sandwich for $3.79. $3.79!? That is pretty steep considering it only comes with a half slice of cheese, a Filet-O-Fish tradition that somehow honors the original recipe invented by Lou Groen in 1962 because his Cincinnati, OH franchise served a large Roman Catholic consumer base that didn’t eat meat on Fridays. You really wish you didn’t know that bit about Cincinnati because you never considered that the town to take seafood tips from. Is fish really not meat? Catholics do have a pretty great history of over-indulgence though, and isn’t overpaying for something, just because you want to and can, a little bit what American individualism is all about? You don’t need to be reminded that $3.79 could feed a kid in a third world country for a week. You already knew that. Besides, after the sales tax, you’ll drop the extra three pennies in that little Ronald McDonald donation bin they put beneath all the drive-thru windows. Unless you pay with a card, in which case, hey, you did your best. McDonald’s gave $34 million to charity in 2011, and even if that is only 0.08 percent of their $5.5 billion net revenue and way less than similar companies like Taco Bell and Kentucky Fried Chicken, it’s still not nothing. You have to figure they don’t waste the other half of that slice of cheese either. YOU’RE STILL GOING TO VISIT. It’s a free country. 

is the filet-o-fish sandwich from mcdonald’s actually worth a visit?

It was really tasty.

IT’S WORTH A VISIT.

Dusticular Cancer – April 7th, Friday Morning

A couple of people recently mentioned that they have trouble reading the CarePages posts. While I’m suspicious of their laziness and technical acumen (you know who you are), I’ll also copy them here from now on. I mean, I have the time. These posts are partially therapeutic for me, partially informative for you, and hopefully helpful for whoever cares to read them. If you’re into more cancer-related reading (WHO ISN’T!?), all prior posts can be found here.

Dust Bunny here,

KT joined me today for my infusion, which is a big win for the nursing staff. They’ve heard all my takes on marriage, home building, and most recently, the hypocrisy of amateur athletes in the Final Four. Having KT’s bright eyed sincerity is a plus in any situation, but if you’ve been on a steady diet of my company, she’s a palate cleanser.

What’s the most noble profession in America? Teachers have to be considered. Soldiers and first responders are probably the most brave. But after spending over a thousand hours in a cancer hospital, I’d give my vote to nurses. It takes a certain kind of courage to run into a flaming building, and it takes another kind to befriend and treat the sick and dying. I have friends who are nurses. I thought I understood their jobs, and maybe I did, from a technical standpoint. But now I believe that at least half of their job is emotional support. Their daily shift involves shining a light through someone’s nightmare. And for American professions, consider the Statue of Liberty. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” She’s literally holding a light to guide the beaten. So yeah, nurses are amazing, and my nurse today is one of my favorites. Her thing is being super mean as a joke. She said she hated it when I got my port because sticking me with needles got her out of bed in the morning. She’s awesome.

If nurse is a noble profession, then volunteer is the most impressive hobby. An old man who only volunteers for Fridays was in today. I’ve mentioned him before. He volunteers ever since he lost his wife to AML, which is also leukemia. He heard we were getting married and started a conversation. He married his wife in 1964, and they lived in Raleigh for a few years. Most of you reading this know that KT and I are building a house, and while waiting for that to be happen, we’ve been spending time in an old apartment community that we affectionately (and spitefully) call The Poorhouse. This old volunteer is telling us about he and his wife’s first apartment in Raleigh, a hot new neighborhood off of Oberlin Road that everyone wanted to live in. He struggled for the name before it came to him, Country Club Homes, aka The Poorhouse. It’s definitely the most excited that KT and I have ever been to tell someone that we live there. You never know what volunteering your time can mean. Sometimes it’s the little things.

I’m feeling good and my numbers are strong. Thanks for the support and have a great weekend!

Love,
Dust

Dusticular Cancer – March 29th, Wednesday Afternoon

A couple of people recently mentioned that they have trouble reading the CarePages posts. While I’m suspicious of their laziness and technical acumen (you know who you are), I’ll also copy them here from now on. I mean, I have the time. These posts are partially therapeutic for me, partially informative for you, and hopefully helpful for whoever cares to read them. If you’re into more cancer-related reading (WHO ISN’T!?), all prior posts can be found here.

Dust Mite here,

We got some big news on something very small yesterday. My oncologist tested my PML/RARA. That’s the fusion gene caused by the mutual translocation of chromosomes 15 and 17, and it’s the cause of my leukemia. So, this genetic test came back negative, which means there’s a 99.x% chance that I’m cancer free!

[High fiving interrupted by phone call. Insurance company wondering if we can stop treatment. We cannot.]

I’ve been symptom free from the cancer since I left the hospital, and protocol is that I’ll still have to stay on my treatment through August. At that time, they’ll give me another bone marrow biopsy, which is the purest test they can perform. So this doesn’t change anything about my day or plans, but it is still huge news. My oncologist actually called her mentor to confirm that we even needed to do the bone marrow biopsy because the chances of the test on the marrow being any different than the test on my blood are so slim. My take: we’ve come this far, so just check the marrow.

And so we will.

In other news, KT and I are less than 40 days away from our wedding. Predicting with a high degree of certainty that we get it done this time. We’re also less than three months from our house.The degree of certainty here is less so, but there’s actual parts of house on the lot, so that counts for something….we’re actually the little foundation on the right.

Some good things happening today,
Dust

Dusticular Cancer – March 20, Monday Morning


A couple of people recently mentioned that they have trouble reading the CarePages posts. While I’m suspicious of their laziness and technical acumen (you know who you are), I’ll also copy them here from now on. I mean, I have the time. These posts are partially therapeutic for me, partially informative for you, and hopefully helpful for whoever cares to read them. If you’re into more cancer-related reading (WHO ISN’T!?), all prior posts can be found here.

Dusty here,

KT and I are back at UNC Hospital as another month of injections begins today. Weirdly, it’s kind of a relief.

Don’t get me wrong, I much prefer not being in the hospital (If your disease-free options are to not be getting injections at the hospital or to be getting injections at the hospital, I highly recommend the former). But there’s something super frustrating about feeling like life is normal while knowing that it’s not. It makes sitting on your couch feel like being in line at the DMV. It’s not relaxing. It’s waiting.

But while I’m in the hospital, it’s less abstract. The needle pokes. The blood flows. The medicine medicates. And it’s these days where you can feel the calendar flip. That feels like progress. I get up in the morning, and instead of sitting on a couch, I sit in my car. I’m going somewhere.

Based on experience, the next couple of days will probably suck. My body has to acclimate to the medicine again after being off of it, but knowing how that goes makes it less of a big deal. For now, it’s nice to see the nurses again. They were happy that Kansas advanced in the tournament so that I could join in on making fun of their Duke-fan coworker. “I mean, you work for UNC. How good do you feel about cashing those paychecks?”

Speaking of March Madness (and because I have some time on my hands), I’m sure you all saw the news about the fire in downtown Raleigh. KT and I have a couple of friends who live in the apartment building directly next to it, and they’re completely safe staying with some family for the time being. It’s not publicly known how that happened yet, but that seems to be the next step in the way humans process this stuff. What happened? Who’d it happen to? Are they okay? How did it happen? And this is where we’re currently stuck. Maybe there’s a grand arsonist on the loose. Maybe wood construction isn’t the way of the future. I hope the “how” is discovered so everyone can answer the next part. Why. The “why” informs us of where to direct our resources. An arsonist requires human resources, educational and ethical, as another event reminds us of the holes in the human psyche. If materials are to blame, then political resources need to change regulations. Either way, the “why” is a critical part of healing the cause, not just putting out the flames.

The weirdest part about my leukemia is that they don’t know how it happens. There is no “why” to be solved. I know several of you have donated to cancer research with me in mind. It means a lot. There’s a million problems that need fixing in the world, and I’m not going to say trying to solve the unknown has more value than tackling something known like the water crisis (*sidenote below*). But it’s an honor to know that my problem has helped inspire some good. Example: our friend Natalee Jarrett raised a bunch of money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society for a half marathon she ran in a blazing 1:43:00. Sure, she’d probably have raised money for something else good, but I’m taking like, 2% of the credit. Thanks a ton, Natalee. It was truly, greatly appreciated. Life deals some bad beats, from fires to cancer and everything else. If you’re doing anything to help the what’s, who’, how’s and why’s of any of those beats, thank you to you too. It is appreciated.

Give someone a great week,
Dust

**Sidenote: Watching these NCCA tournament games, I keep seeing the Matt Damon commercial where he’s promoting the partnership between Stella Artois and Water.org to help fight the global water crisis. It’s noble, and I’m not denigrating their efforts in any way. This is just a point that is related. It takes roughly 20 gallons of water to brew a pint of beer (Teetotalers shouldn’t be uppity. It takes up to 132 gallons of water to make a 2-liter of soda). Do what you will with this knowledge.

Part 3 – POWER RANKINGS: How good would your quarterback be at picking up girls if he weren’t an NFL QB?

Main Photo

If NFL QBs were stripped of their professional title and say given a mid-level position like “I work in finance” or “I’m a sales account manager at a Top 50 tech company” how would they fair with the ladies. For full ground rules and the rankings of the bottom third of these rankings, visit Part 1.

Hey gang, Dusty here. Looks like we made it. Look how far we’ve come. We might have took the long way, but we knew we’d get here someday. Shania Twain was right about a lot of things. Maybe she was singing about the success of a time tested relationship, and maybe she was singing about two bloggers banging out a controversial POWER RANKING of every NFL quarterbacks’ inherent gamesmanship outside of the pocket. Who can say?

Some people have taken the POWER RANKINGS pretty poorly, citing grievances like Andrew Luck coming in ahead of Kirk Cousins. What do you want me to say? I didn’t write the rules [sic], and even if I did, those rules are an analytical distillation of the subjective collaboration of two white guys born two weeks apart and living very similar lives in the same city. That’s accountability! Who better to balance Tommy’s opinion than someone who knows where he’s coming from? We ranked these guys without talking in the judgment categories, combined our scores, and we left it alone. From there, The Ideal POWER RANKINGS Law took over. Maybe it’s a little off.

Do I look at the picture of a certain lantern-jawed Miamian and think he got hosed at number 12? Sure. I’m human. But doesn’t “lifetime achievement” consideration bleed into the confidence and personality rating of Peyton Manning? The committee here at Writing Bareback thought so. And I stand by them.

As for Blake Bortles, screw that guy. Let’s look at the top ten, and maybe then we’ll all be happy.

Tyrod10. Tyrod Taylor, Bills – A lack of pride and a lot of persistence go a long ways in pickup success, and he’s got #TyrodTailored going for his fashion. But he’s basically a poor man’s Cam Newton. Taylor’s best strategy would be to follow Cam around at the bar and wait for a woman to be bitterly disappointed that Cam wasn’t interested in her. The he should introduce himself and cross his fingers that she thinks, “Eh, close enough.”

Alex Smith9. Alex Smith, Chiefs – Pleasantly surprised to see my boy crack the top 10! Gets an odd bump in looks for the Ryan Gosling comp. Looking like a celeb never hurts. Alex Smith is a guy who would have a girl completely engrossed in the best conversation of her life until Kaepernick interrupts to say “I’ll even wash your clothes in the morning” and shows the girl his abs. It’s too bad. I’m an Alex Smith fan.

Andy Dalton8. Andy Dalton, Bengals – His hair stands out as one of my favorite fashion accessories in the group. He embraces the much maligned gingerness, and in doing so, shows every woman his self-assured nature. He’s got a lot of “Kevin MacArthur” from The League in him which is a pretty lovable comp for a guy who’d make a great Assistant District Attorney. Physically, might as well be cut from stone compared to division rival QB1s.

Romo7. Tony Romo, Cowboys – (admitted blogger-bias) He’s tall, he’s in decent shape, he’s got big ears and goofy smile and lacking in the style department (still trying to bring back the paperboy cap). BUT! So much cool confidence and what a nice guy! The kind of guy that takes a homeless guy to the movies or pulls over in the rain to help an elderly couple change their tire. He’s so comfy in his own skin and the kinda guy you want to take home to mom, he’s definitely getting your number…and you heart.

Marcus Mariota6. Marcus Mariota, Titans – Great showing for the rookie! All the potential is there, but he’s still figuring it out. Marcus is the guy that walks into a bar, and every girl notices him. And then he starts talking, and he’s missing all the openings. It’s frustrating to watch. He looks like he’s hitting his stride with an amusing story about making coconut syrup on the Big Island, and right when she tells him he’s funny, Marcus leans in and says, “OOPS! I’M SORRY. I didn’t mean to spill that on you!”

Drew Brees5. Drew Brees, Saints – Ok, so he’s 6’ tall. But next to these other freak monstrosities, he looks like he’s 5’9” (NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!!). And he does have this large birthmark on his face. But man, the guy is in great shape. And when he talks, you listen. You just love everything he has to say. He’s got the charisma of Ryan Gosling in Crazy. Stupid. Love. When it’s time to go, he’s getting you with his closing line “hey, you want to get out of here?”

Aaron Rodgers4. Aaron Rodgers, Packers – 5 letters baby, R-E-L-A-X. He’s got the ultimate NorCal chill vibe. Cool, calm, collected and confident. He’s not the best-looking nor the best dressed at the bar, but one look into those eyes and you’re sold. Heaven help you if its Movember and he’s unironically donning his finest Tom Sellick mustache.

Russell Wilson3. Russell Wilson, Seahawks – He’s a shorty amongst giants but with a personality that will make you think he’s 10 feet tall. His obscure race makes him dreamy across the board. He’s got just enough swagger with a genuine personality that makes EVERY GIRL think they have a shot. Where does all this confidence come from? Just Google Russell Wilson Sports Illustrated cover.

Brady[TIE] 1. Tom Brady, Patriots – The real reason non-Patriots fans hate Brady isn’t because of his Swimsuit Model wife or outrageous success. It’s because we all know, deep down, that if Tom Brady walked into our office as the new Junior Assistant to the Custodial Secretary on a Monday, he’d walk out as CEO on a Friday. That’s the kind of guy who’s not leaving the bar until he’s leaving with the best.

Cam Newton[TIE] 1. Cam Newton, Panthers – Tall, dark and handsome. Body carved from stone. As for style, he’s the best dressed guy at the bar, no question. This guy is OOZING with confidence and his “I’m too good for you” attitude will keep you on edge all night. Not to mention this guy is just a hell of a dancer. True story, when the bouncer’s complained about his dancing he simply replied “Don’t let me in then.” The only knock on Cam is he just seems a little too full of himself, like he’d go home with himself if he could. Like the kinda guy that gets a mani/pedi/facial weekly. Oh wait…

Cam Pedi

…………

Hey guys, Dusty here. (and Tommy on the edit wagon).

Part 2 – POWER RANKINGS: How good would your quarterback be at picking up girls if he weren’t an NFL QB?

Main Photo

If NFL QBs were stripped of their professional title and say given a mid-level position like “I work in finance” or “I’m a sales account manager at a Top 50 tech company” how would they fair with the ladies. For full ground rules and the rankings of the bottom third of these rankings, visit Part 1.

Crazy day of rankings from Part 1 yesterday, amirite? Who could have foreseen Smoking Jay Cutler falling all the way to 32nd? But hey, any given POWER RANKINGS, as they say. That’s why we write the blogs. Cause you never know. I do need to apologize, and this is all on me. Tommy had nothing to do with it. There was a glaring omission from our bottom 11. A friend of mine pointed it out.

Friend: You left out Brian Hoyer.
Me: Who?
Friend: C’mon, you know who he is. Brian Hoyer.
Me: Ryan Hoyer?
Friend: Buh-rian Hoyer…You know, forget it.

Then he sent me a screenshot with highlights for easy deduction.

Hoyer Forgotten

So I went back and grabbed what I wrote about Hoyer 3 days before we posted. I kid you not, this is unedited.

Brian Hoyer, Texans – What’s there to care about here? IDK. Maybe a guy can build an aura of mystery around himself so great, that the woman actually pursues him because the only way to know this man is to actually know this man. That’s really Brian Hoyer’s best bet…And full disclosure, I don’t want to do research on a guy who I don’t believe will make next year’s power rankings. Prove me wrong, Hoyer!

My bad, guys…But when you’re dealing with the dregs of non-NFL QB lotharios, who gives a crap? We’ll bump Derek “Mascara Man” Carr up to 21 and that’s that. That post from yesterday was your grandpa’s POWER RANKINGS. Now we move on to the medium swinging dicks your POWER RANKINGS. I’m proud to present, #20-11.

Phillip Rivers20. Philip Rivers, Chargers – Almost certainly an insufferable weirdo with the energy of caffeinated Jack Russell Terrier, Philip Rivers looks like Buzz Lightyear, dresses like your dad, and walks into a bar like Gallagher at a fruit stand. YOU KNOW PHIL’S GONNA SMASH!…or propose to the first girl he speaks with. Either way, CONFIDENCE!

2013 UCF Football Team19. Blake Bortles, Jaguars – Want to hear a football joke? Blake Bortles! Fortunately, football has no place in this ranking. You get the feeling that every one of Ben Roethlisberger’s exes would be attracted to Blake Bortles just because he’s exactly like Ben Roethlisberger without the ten years of baggage. But, honey, that’s where you come in.

 

Carson Palmer18. Carson Palmer, Cardinals – Is he a ginger? His beard is ginger-ish. Yeah he’s a ginger. If Andy Dalton (King of Gingers) is around Palmer’s not getting a second look. In fact, aside from being 6’5” he’s just kind of an average looking white guy. Well, he does have the fabled “butt-chin” which was all the rage in Disney cartoons. Does it work as well in real life?

 

Matt Ryan17. Matt Ryan, Falcons – When you look at him, you just think Van Heusen or Kohls. An average looking white guy with above average height and physique. Being introduced as Matty Ice in college was a game changer, now it just makes you seem like a guy that’s still holding on to how cool he was in college. He doesn’t say a lot, and that mysterious confidence is absolutely his best bet.

Colin K16. Colin Kaepernick, 49ers – (disclaimer, no longer the starting QB) He just looks like a really jacked and tan elf. I mean I’m sure his bulging biceps that dwarf his XS Affliction t-shirt have some appeal in some circles…in 2007. The guy dresses like Justin Bieber and his voice will have you desperately searching for an Adam’s Apple. Is this bar on the North Pole? No? Ok, he’s gonna struggle.

Teddy Bridgewater15. Teddy Bridgewater, Vikings – Depending on the strength of his Jamaican accent, he could definitely convince you he’s Usain Bolt or the rich kid from Cool Running. Either way if nothing else would be an incredible ice breaker. “Ay mon, Ow much a pola bear weigh?” Let’s just be honest though aside from seeming like a really nice guy and fun name to say, he’s not bringing A LOT to the table. Besides, he went to school in Indiana so he’s probably not much for conversation.

Kirk Cousins14. Kirk Cousins, Washington Professional Football Team – Traditionally speaking, he’s a good looking dude – much like Ryan Tannehil down in South Beach. But Capt Kirk (which is how I’d imagine he introduces himself) doesn’t have what it takes to be the lead guy. He’s much better served as a wingman to someone like Tannehill. We can only hope that if he scores a number he really bros it out with “You like that?!?! YOU LIKE THAT!!!!”

Andrew Luck13. Andrew Luck, Colts – Here’s your true litmus test on the superficiality of women. Nobody’s falling for the “Spanx for my face” chin beard he’s rocking. And the only time “lucky” is a negative adjective is in reference to Andrew’s wardrobe. BUT! I think any woman would be lucky to get him out of those unfortunate polos. He is a cool, confident, built dude who knows his way around a conversation. Hey, I’m a believer in Andrew Luck the non-QB1.

Ryan Tannehill12. Ryan Tannehill, Dolphins – Talk about the Bud Light of the bar. Probably a best seller, but SOOOOOO boring. He’s a ubiquitous kind of desirable. Probably not a good sign when Google has only ever recorded you wearing your jersey, a suit, or an untailored khaki shirt. I get that a living Ken doll doesn’t need to try, but it would’ve helped his cause.

Peyton Manning11. Peyton Manning, Broncos – Too old to be in the bar, but hasn’t admitted it yet. He used to be a legendary stickman, so it’s tough to watch him work at this point. Like seeing Fonzie elbow a jukebox and get crickets. Time for the next phase. I’ll bet Peyton would write the best Match.com profile.

 

There you have it. The second tier. Middle management in the structural hierarchy that is slingin’ winks and handing off drinks. They may not be as talented as our top ten, but as another famous middle manager, Michael Scott said, “‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.’ – Wayne Gretzky.” Here’s the POWER RANKINGS to date:

Rankings

Are you with me Leather,
Dusty “Boomer of the Blog” Riedesel

POWER RANKINGS: How good would your quarterback be at picking up girls if he weren’t an NFL QB?

It’s a tale as old as time, errr as old as American Football; the Quarterback gets the girl. But then you think, does he get the girl JUST because he’s the quarterback? Is she interested in him solely based on his football position (be it high school, college or professional)? Then it leads to another thought; If NFL QBs were stripped of their professional title and say given a mid-level position like “I work in finance” or “I’m a sales account manager at a Top 50 tech company” how would they fair with the ladies? And of course, in true sports analogous fashion, how then would these now “average” men compare to each other whilst trying to seduce the fairer sex at your “average” bar/night club.

Ground Rules

First off, this about picking a girl up in a bar, meaning that the girl only has to commit to a next step, which can range from exchanging phone numbers to leaving the bar together for food, dancing, or even drinks at another bar. QB1 does not need to hit pay dirt to have “picked up” the bar girl. In terms Alex Smith could understand, this is more about completions than touchdowns.

Secondly, we’re ignoring current relationships and marriages because leaving out certain married quarterbacks would really let some air out of these power rankings. We’d really rather let fans of every quarterback have a fair chance of winning.

Third, as mentioned, the woman at the bar is assumed to have no prior knowledge of any of the QB1s. This is important when you consider alleged rapists like Big Ben and alleged QB2s like Colin Kaepernick. For argument’s sake, they’re professional contemporaries with their fellow patrons, just like most of us are. Besides, it’s a bar pickup. They could be anything. I wouldn’t put it past Jay Cutler to tell girls he’s a bodybuilder, and when they look at him suspiciously he just takes a drag from his cigarette and with complete apathy says, “Google me.”

Fourth, it’s a standard, run-of-the-mill bar. A few taps, poor wine selection, makeshift dining-turns-dancefloor situation, and a good racial diversity. No one has home field advantage here. It’s like the bar version of a London game.

Finally, the POWER RANKING criterion has been set to the five areas below, each a factor that can pick up a girl when used properly. Tommy and I have independently judged, then averaged each one on a scale of 1-10 (ie.  Sam Bradford I think his looks are a 6, and Tommy lambasted him with a 1, so his looks rating is a 3.5). The aggregate of the five categories is your ranking, making for a highest possible score of 50:

  1. Looks – Basically it’s the shape and look of everything on your head. Not the strongest category for Eli.
  2. Physique – Height, build, conditioning. I like to refer to this as “The Brady Quinn Memorial” category.
  3. Fashion – This can offset a strong physique rating. Also, we’re looking at modern day attire. Peyton Manning is 39 years old. We can’t judge him for what he was wearing when Willenium dropped.
  4. Perceived personality – You could also call this the “brand management” category. When picking up a girl at a bar, you’re trying to present some “best” version of yourself because you know you’re being judged in a pressurized situation. It’s a lot like getting interviewed on national TV about your professional performance. Cam Newton is brash. Tyrod Taylor couldn’t swing brash, so he’s a persistent worker. Brian Hoyer’s brand is, “Brian Hoyer…C’mon, you’ve heard of me. I’m Brian Hoyer…No, Buh-rian, with a ‘B’…You know, forget it.”
  5. Confidence – The ultimate trump card. The “there’s something about this guy that I won’t regret finding out” swagger. Aaron Rodgers has it. Kirk Cousins is trying like hell to have it, and Joe Flacco doesn’t give 120.6 million craps whether he has it or not.

Tommy will be breaking down our NFC quaterbacks, and Dusty “Yours Truly” Riedesel will tackle the AFC. I haven’t discussed it with Tommy, but I’d like the trophy of this thing to be named after Joe Namath.

Game never stopped with that guy…onto the rankings!

Jay Cutler32. Jay Cutler, Bears – He’s got the goods. Tall, fit, great head of hair. But Jay Cutler thinks Jay Cutler has confidence in Jay Cutler, while everyone else just sees a guy that peaked in college. False bravado doesn’t bode well in a crowded bar environment. His best play is to hang out in the smoker-section, bumming cigarettes, sipping his vodka redbulls and picking up on the ladies who are still trying to party like they did in college…or maybe they still are in college.

Nick Foles31. Nick Foles, Rams– “Hey you look like Napoleon Dynamite!” “Hey you look like Donald Trump’s son!” “Hey you look like Mitt Romney’s son!” None of these are compliments. EAT YOUR FOOD TINA!

 

Eli Manning

30. Eli Manning, Giants – At first look he’s certainly not getting a second look from the ladies. Not to mention if he’s at the bar with his much more charismatic, slightly better looking, taller older brother. But its just something about this doofy-looking, moderately confident guy. He’ll definitely throw out some hail mary’s around 1:45AM and walk away with some surprising phone numbers…or more.

Sam Bradford29. Sam Bradford, Eagles – Really no redeeming qualities here. Not a good looking guy. Not in the greatest shape. Probably wearing matching sweats to the bar. Really not sure why he gets paid so much money to be so average at his job. In the words of Parks and Rec character Mona-Lisa Saperstein, “HARD PASS.”

Joe Flacco28. Joe Flacco, Ravens – Now here’s a guy, who is just a guy, you know? Is he a fun guy? A smart guy? A cool guy? Maybe he’s a crazy guy. Nope. He’s just a guy. You might think to yourself, well, maybe he want so be some kind of guy. You can think that, but you’d be wrong. He doesn’t think about anything. He is just a guy.

 

Matt Stafford27. Matthew Stafford, Lions – Rule #1 of beard growth: if you can’t round out the beard with the connecting mustache, then you have a chin strap. Chin straps are the cheapest form of birth control that money can’t buy. Combine that with over-confidence and you have a bro who’s definitely CRUSHING Bud heavies at the shuffleboard and getting put in an Uber by his fraternity brothers.

Ryan Fitzpatrick26. Ryan Fitzpatrick, Jets – He went to Harvard. But without NFL media reminding you of that every time he plays, we don’t know if he’d be the cool “I had no idea you went to Harvard” type like Tommy Lee Jones. Or the “What’s for lunch today?…Sandwiches? I used to eat sandwiches at Harvard at least once a week” type. Probably the first kind. But his beard is about 3 centuries out of style, and he’s truly afraid of shirt collars.

Big Ben25. Ben Roethlisberger, Steelers – ROLL OUT THE BARREL!!! HEYO! I’ll bet it’s a great time to go mucking around the bars with Big Ben. It’s a great time until that 27th beer and he starts talking about how Bill Cosby’s career is now under appreciated…He’s tall. No taking that away from him, but going the “Body by InBev” route is probably a mistake.

Jameis Winston24. Jameis Winston, Bucs – Neck up, not a bad looking dude. He rocks a sweet 90’s fade that just works. Neck down, the definition of skinny-fat. Sure he’s tall, but those baggy sweats aren’t fooling anyone. Confident but not the best speaker. If you’re a sucker for snow crab legs, he’s your guy. FHRITP.

Johnny Manziel23. Johnny Manziel, Browns – Is it okay to talk about Johnny and bars? Feels dicey….He looks like Harry Potter got on some PEDs and he acts like he’s part of the WWE (not a bad 2nd career plan for Mr. Football). He’s pretty low here in the Pickup Power Rankings, but I hope he doesn’t get shut down because, well, let’s just make sure the bouncer’s staying warm.

Derek Carr22. Derek Carr, Raiders – I only have one problem with Ol’ Raccoon Eyes, and it’s not the constant guyliner he was born with. It’s that he insists on doing that single-length buzzcut and then lets it grow out to the tennis ball stage for weeks at a time. His only shot in the bar is if it’s right across the street from his Great Clips appointment.

#21-#11 coming on Wednesday…SPOILER ALERT: Blake Bortles is there, so maybe just wait until we get to the top ten after Thanksgiving.

Rankings 32-22

My great grandpa invented Saran wrap,
Dusty “Unemployed” Riedesel