Category Archives: Humor

Worth a Visit? McDonald’s, specifically for the Filet-O-Fish Sandwich.

 

I’d never tried the Filet-O-Fish. I just didn’t come from that school of dietary thought. But after positive reviews from my Facebook glide (flying high on Filet-O-Fish. Seriously, a bunch of flying fishes are called a glide), I knew I had to be one of the grouper. As is sometimes my duty, I will answer your burning questions about the Filet-O-Fish Sandwich. Most importantly, does it make McDonald’s, worth a visit?

are you into fish as a consumable?

Sure you are. And why not? There are lots of reasons to eat fish. It’s considered healthier than land meat. It’s full of Omega 3s, which are supposed to be good even if you don’t actually know that much about the dietary value of fish. Maybe you’ve given up “meat” for the liturgical practice of Lent to secure passage into the afterlife, which sounds bulletproof. Maybe you’re against the way the fast-food industrial complex treats animals but you’re still into convenience and a fish is more like an alien anyway. Maybe you just enjoy the the mouthfeel of a flaky Alaskan Pollock crumbling so gently that you can chew it with your tongue.

In any of the cases, YOU SHOULD VISIT McDonald’s for a Filet-O-Fish Sandwich.

But maybe you’re not into fish. I mean, pollution is a real problem and a lot of that ends up in the water, and I’m sure McDonald’s is getting a fresh catch from the open seas. Are Alaskan Pollock from the open seas? Look, you don’t know that much about fish, we’ve covered that, but they’re kind of icky, and you’re not into them as a consumable.

You WILL NOT VISIT FOR THE FILET-O-FISH SANDWICH. Get the McNuggets because they seem safer. 

Are you a millennial, a generation that, when surveyed, ranked mcdonald’s as their least favorite restaurant and probably (but not definitely) backed that ranking with an editorial stance on mcdonald’s that mostly trashes it as a gross slaughter house of unclean garbage food?

You are (likely).

Don’t compromise your beliefs. It is NOT WORTH VISITING.

Are you a millennial that, despite what you’ve said in surveys, are still part of a generation that visits mcdonald’s more than any other restaurant in america.

Duh. It’s America, so you’re never further than 107 miles from a McDonalds in the continental 48. It’s basically impossible to not go to McDonald’s.

Perception is reality. YOU’VE ALREADY VISITED, but you do it by yourself and don’t tell anyone.

Did you enjoy these sweet tidbits about millennials that were torn directly from this author’s “I swear one day it will be out and available for purchase” book Cheeto Dust….And other blood on millennial hands?

If so, keep an eye out. I’ll buy you a Filet-O-Fish Sandwich at McDonalds while watching you read and react to every detail, waiting patiently until you’re in between bites and have dabbed the pickled relish mayo from your lips so you can answer questions I have like, “Did you read the footnote too?”

C’mon. A free Filet-O-Fish with a potential author of something you might possibly enjoy maybe? YOU HAVE TO VISIT!

did I say pickled relish mayo? that sounds like an interesting topping that might be worth visiting for.

I did say that, because that’s what I thought it was, but it’s actually a custom tartar sauce. Blend mayonnaise, 2 tablespoons relish, capers, 1 tablespoon chopped onion, parsley, and sugar in a blender until smooth. Stir remaining relish and onion into the blended mixture.

You still want to try that, but you’re not exactly rushing to the nearest McDonald’s, no matter how conveniently they’ve placed it near your home, work, gym, and directly next door to your favorite boozery (or dispensery in certain more understanding states). Now that you’re thinking about it, you could really just tack a Filet-O-Fish onto an order anytime you stop by McDonald’s, because no matter what diet of the month your doing, you’ll stop by there eventually. Even if you tell yourself you’re just getting that $1 large Coca-Cola because it’s better there than anywhere else, you’ll probably be a little hungry too, and it’s not like anyone’s going to know you ordered yourself a frankly overpriced fish sandwich for $3.79. $3.79!? That is pretty steep considering it only comes with a half slice of cheese, a Filet-O-Fish tradition that somehow honors the original recipe invented by Lou Groen in 1962 because his Cincinnati, OH franchise served a large Roman Catholic consumer base that didn’t eat meat on Fridays. You really wish you didn’t know that bit about Cincinnati because you never considered that the town to take seafood tips from. Is fish really not meat? Catholics do have a pretty great history of over-indulgence though, and isn’t overpaying for something, just because you want to and can, a little bit what American individualism is all about? You don’t need to be reminded that $3.79 could feed a kid in a third world country for a week. You already knew that. Besides, after the sales tax, you’ll drop the extra three pennies in that little Ronald McDonald donation bin they put beneath all the drive-thru windows. Unless you pay with a card, in which case, hey, you did your best. McDonald’s gave $34 million to charity in 2011, and even if that is only 0.08 percent of their $5.5 billion net revenue and way less than similar companies like Taco Bell and Kentucky Fried Chicken, it’s still not nothing. You have to figure they don’t waste the other half of that slice of cheese either. YOU’RE STILL GOING TO VISIT. It’s a free country. 

is the filet-o-fish sandwich from mcdonald’s actually worth a visit?

It was really tasty.

IT’S WORTH A VISIT.

“You Call That A Google Search?” – The Real Machine Apocalypse

I recently yelled “YOU CALL THAT A GOOGLE SEARCH!?” in response to my girlfriend’s word selection in an effort to find the mean height of Germany’s soccer team.

Unfortuantely, her search term “is the German soccer team tall” worked like gangbusters! First result had the exact information we were looking for. This leads me to the conclusion that Google is smart. People are idiots and Google has billions of searches to prove it.

In the early days of the Internet, you never saw Google complaining about people not knowing how to search for what they needed. Google just accepted that search terms will suck and it needs to keep on fine tuning that algorithm of theirs so that the dumb masses will just keep coming back. Keep searching. I’m impressed with your mentality, Google. That’s what it takes to be a success in this world. You have to be a realist, entitled to nothing. Read, react, and reap the rich rewards. The irony is this: A person who puts some intellectual specificity into their Googling with an “average height 2014 German National Football Team” search hits everything but the target with the top return. So the smart person will actually need to use dumb searches to find the right information to lean into Google’s mass-pleasing algorithm. Google is just making us all do what they’ve already done, adapt to the dumb masses. Read, react and reap the rewards.

The masses generally aren’t great visionaries. If you patterned your life after the masses, you’re weeknight would consist of eating McDonald’s while you watched Transformers 2 on your overpriced Time Warner Cable television package. You’d make $35K annually, usually have voted for whoever’s President, and you’d think Big Bang Theory is a funny show. The masses is not a person you should want to be. You should want to be more.

Maybe this is how the Machine Apocalypse really happens. It just keeps refining the algorithm, keeps on democratizing humans into a aggregated ball of narcissism that has taught itself how to get what it wants by becoming the same. Run a search, the machine knows you. Run 100 searches, the machine assimilates you. Run 1,000 searches, and you are the machine.

In the end, my girlfriend got what she was looking for. I did not. Maybe she’s smarter than me for adapting to the algorithm faster. Maybe this is my long-winded justification for being a bad Google searcher. I can’t tell you who’s more ultimately right in the end. But I know I don’t want to be like the masses, so I only have one recourse left.

My new home page is Bing.

DR

 

Oxford Dictionary Adds 35 New Words, But Using Them Coherently Will Not Be Easy

We here at Writing Bareback write in all sorts of places. Other websites, tear-stained journals, on the receipts left by cute bar maids, even some less cute bar matrons depending on the hour. This is one of those pieces that landed on another website back in August, 2012. Enjoy!

oxford, dictionary, adds, 35, new, words,, but, using, them, coherently, will, not, be, easy,
There are 35 new words in the Oxford Dictionary.  You’ll probably want to open that link for definitions. In this article, I’ll try to use and bold all 35 new words without turning seven shades of locavore vomit. Check that, frankenfood vomit. It sounds nastier.

In the first season of Californication, fictitious literary trainwreck Hank Moody waxed with droolworthy syntax about screenagers creating a textspeak full of “OMGs” and “LMFAOs” while sexting sexual noobs that will most likely unfriend each other the moment one sees a muffin-top peek over the jeggings of the other. Enjoy this video clip as an introduction to my forthcoming complaints.

Totes, Hank.

Truth be told, I’m not a hater (except of guyliner on non-80s rock stars), so chillax. I do believe that language, like all things, needs to constantly upcycle to prevent our societal transformation to a collective illiterati. I just don’t think officially inducting a poor man’s onomatopoeia like “woot” or a destitute man’s “whatever” like “whatevs” into the linguistic hall of fame is crunk (alright, I obvs reached with that one).

Give cheap slang an inch and it will take a mile from wealthy diction. I’m pretty sure that’s what that grrrl Ayn Rand was talking about in Atlas Shrugged. Every time a “bling” becomes audible, an “exorbitant” loses its wings. I’ll never stop dreaming of that la-la land of words where “obstreperous” dances off Dostoyevsky’s pen while “mankini” and “mini-me” are beaten like some kind of racially insensitive comment that allows me to use “po-po” in this sentence.

If you think I’m biased, there’s a truthiness to that. I’ve always had a bromance with the originators of old-school English (Noah Webster was a pimp!), and I’ve always believed that the Twitterati were nothing but infomaniac muggles in the world of alphabetic magic. So sue me for my prejudice, but try to do it in a purple state so I have the best chance of a balanced jury.

D’oh! 34 of 35!? Seriously!? How could I not squeeze “whovian” into that mess!?

Why Do We Complain Constantly? Because Life Is Wonderful

Recently I’ve been finding a wealth of articles that are really good at bitching about things. Take this embittered little numberabout veggie trays, or absolutely anything written by the pirate/lumberjack lambaster of everyday things, Maddox. Hating things is funny and popular and something that we lemmings of the interwebs can huddle around.

A good idea is worth stealing, I’ve always said. Someone else was always saying it before me, so now I always say it as a way of complimenting them. I tried to apply that logic and fashion a bitch-tastic post of my own. It didn’t take.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of things I came up with to complain about:

  • Why don’t they make catsup packets bigger? Has anyone ever needed one, single catsup packet?
  • If there’s one thing I hate, it’s those people that say/spell catsup instead of ketchup. We don’t need both spellings.
  • Don’t think I’m letting colonel/kernel off the hook either.
  • As men, why did we agree to start paying attention to fashion? Were we tired of wearing sweatpants to watch football games and not paying for tailoring?
  • Why in the name of Parnelli Jones doe any highway have a speed limit under 75 mph? We’re not driving Ford Pintos anymore.
  • Stand-up comics pretty much talk about food, sex, social oddities and their kids. Nothing is worse than hearing an act for the first time and the comic says, “So I have three kids…”
  • How can anyone complain about being single in 2013? The resources for meeting people and dating are practically endless. This isn’t Lost Springs, Wyoming.
  • Is there actually a girlfriend or wife born after 1980 that understands her significant other owns a phone for his own convenience? Unless she’s paying for his bill, it’s not attention on demand.

I mean, I could probably throw up three paragraphs on each of these things, and one day I probably will. But each thing I thought about that annoyed me really doesn’t. I utilize the dating resources. I manage expectations for relational communication. I fast-forward the Netflix when Kevin Hart starts yapping about his kids. I get around fast enough, don’t really care about fashion and have never been burned by syntactical redundancies. Sure someone should dispense some word-justice on the size of ketchup packets, but I probably don’t need the extra sugar anyway.

Life’s pretty wonderful, really. I can wake up every morning and thank the good Lord that my life is so NOT like Game of Thrones. I don’t, but I could. I guess my point, if I have one at all, is this: If anyone actually has the time to sit down and write a comically angry blog post about the banality and blandness of veggie trays—and you have the time to read that same article—then life is pretty cushy.

Speaking of, why hasn’t a more hazard-resistant cushion risen to prominence in public seating? Aren’t we tired of sitting on plastic folding seats at our NFL games? Then again, it’s the NFL. Their seating hasn’t been a problem since the 80s.

Puking sunshine,
Dusty “photovore” Riedesel

A Man Takes Pic With Cat, Never Looked Cooler

What’s the best thing about this picture?

You can’t answer this question because it’s too big for you. It’s like deciding between water, air and sunlight for the Earth’s most esential element. Let’s instead focus on what this poor man’s Ravishing Rick Rude was thinking as he reviewed this pic for the first time. For anyone who thinks I’m making fun of this guys, don’t forget that I’m a documented, cat-ownership apologist.

“All aboard the vagina town express!”

“I was a little nervouse that the tanktop, gold chain, mullet and mustache were going to come across as trying too hard. Boy, was I wrong!”

“The only thing that sucks about Mr. Zabu looking exactly like the last Smilodon is that he’s making my guns less intimidating.”

“I’ll bet Mr. Zabu could’ve killed that photographer in 16 seconds if I wasn’t holding him back.”

“Poor man’s Rick Rude, my ass!”

-Dusty

The Dusty Television: 80s Dating Video Montage!!!

Yeah, it’s Youtube, but I’m counting it towards The Dusty Television. What did I glean from this particular video? That my exclusive method of asking girls out from now on will be sending them a VHS of me talking in over-adrenalized cliches to the camera’s unblinking eye. I’ll inform them of my magazine subscriptions and let them know that I’m kind of into well-shaven legs, but a few days growth isn’t a deal-breaker. Am I into heavy petting? If it’s on the menu. Also, I’m bilingual in the languages of English and love.

I mean seriously, if a VHS with the sender name of “Your Next Lover” and a return address of “69 Golden Street, Heaven” appeared in your mailbox, you’d track down a VCR and be seduced by something very similar to this:

A Raleigh Man’s Musings Never Let You Down

There comes a point in any man’s life where he’s tired of wanting more and starts wanting what is best. This takes many forms, but it happens to every man at some point. You just have to see the symptoms. Maybe it’s having 4 of the exact same black, Nike Dri-Fit t-shirts because it looks and feels better than any assortment of brand and colors. Maybe it’s always going to Isaac Hunter’s when you end up on Fayetteville Street, or only ordering the same buffalo chicken pizza when you’re at Ruckus in Cary. Variety, the spice of life, is a pretty overrated when you’re comparing it to quality, the sustenance of life. Why do you think that almost everyone gives marriage a shot at some point in their lives, even if it only has a coin-toss chance of success?….Cue the smart-aleck comments about trying marriage because it’s a new, varied choice from single life. Touche!

I say all that so I can share this hilarious picture, even though it doesn’t relate at all. But isn’t stringing someone to a place they don’t expect really what getting “Rick Rolled” is all about? You’re welcome.

Rick's Favorite Movie

[Courtesy of Cheezburger.com]