Category Archives: Tommy’s Posts

Part 3 – POWER RANKINGS: How good would your quarterback be at picking up girls if he weren’t an NFL QB?

Main Photo

If NFL QBs were stripped of their professional title and say given a mid-level position like “I work in finance” or “I’m a sales account manager at a Top 50 tech company” how would they fair with the ladies. For full ground rules and the rankings of the bottom third of these rankings, visit Part 1.

Hey gang, Dusty here. Looks like we made it. Look how far we’ve come. We might have took the long way, but we knew we’d get here someday. Shania Twain was right about a lot of things. Maybe she was singing about the success of a time tested relationship, and maybe she was singing about two bloggers banging out a controversial POWER RANKING of every NFL quarterbacks’ inherent gamesmanship outside of the pocket. Who can say?

Some people have taken the POWER RANKINGS pretty poorly, citing grievances like Andrew Luck coming in ahead of Kirk Cousins. What do you want me to say? I didn’t write the rules [sic], and even if I did, those rules are an analytical distillation of the subjective collaboration of two white guys born two weeks apart and living very similar lives in the same city. That’s accountability! Who better to balance Tommy’s opinion than someone who knows where he’s coming from? We ranked these guys without talking in the judgment categories, combined our scores, and we left it alone. From there, The Ideal POWER RANKINGS Law took over. Maybe it’s a little off.

Do I look at the picture of a certain lantern-jawed Miamian and think he got hosed at number 12? Sure. I’m human. But doesn’t “lifetime achievement” consideration bleed into the confidence and personality rating of Peyton Manning? The committee here at Writing Bareback thought so. And I stand by them.

As for Blake Bortles, screw that guy. Let’s look at the top ten, and maybe then we’ll all be happy.

Tyrod10. Tyrod Taylor, Bills – A lack of pride and a lot of persistence go a long ways in pickup success, and he’s got #TyrodTailored going for his fashion. But he’s basically a poor man’s Cam Newton. Taylor’s best strategy would be to follow Cam around at the bar and wait for a woman to be bitterly disappointed that Cam wasn’t interested in her. The he should introduce himself and cross his fingers that she thinks, “Eh, close enough.”

Alex Smith9. Alex Smith, Chiefs – Pleasantly surprised to see my boy crack the top 10! Gets an odd bump in looks for the Ryan Gosling comp. Looking like a celeb never hurts. Alex Smith is a guy who would have a girl completely engrossed in the best conversation of her life until Kaepernick interrupts to say “I’ll even wash your clothes in the morning” and shows the girl his abs. It’s too bad. I’m an Alex Smith fan.

Andy Dalton8. Andy Dalton, Bengals – His hair stands out as one of my favorite fashion accessories in the group. He embraces the much maligned gingerness, and in doing so, shows every woman his self-assured nature. He’s got a lot of “Kevin MacArthur” from The League in him which is a pretty lovable comp for a guy who’d make a great Assistant District Attorney. Physically, might as well be cut from stone compared to division rival QB1s.

Romo7. Tony Romo, Cowboys – (admitted blogger-bias) He’s tall, he’s in decent shape, he’s got big ears and goofy smile and lacking in the style department (still trying to bring back the paperboy cap). BUT! So much cool confidence and what a nice guy! The kind of guy that takes a homeless guy to the movies or pulls over in the rain to help an elderly couple change their tire. He’s so comfy in his own skin and the kinda guy you want to take home to mom, he’s definitely getting your number…and you heart.

Marcus Mariota6. Marcus Mariota, Titans – Great showing for the rookie! All the potential is there, but he’s still figuring it out. Marcus is the guy that walks into a bar, and every girl notices him. And then he starts talking, and he’s missing all the openings. It’s frustrating to watch. He looks like he’s hitting his stride with an amusing story about making coconut syrup on the Big Island, and right when she tells him he’s funny, Marcus leans in and says, “OOPS! I’M SORRY. I didn’t mean to spill that on you!”

Drew Brees5. Drew Brees, Saints – Ok, so he’s 6’ tall. But next to these other freak monstrosities, he looks like he’s 5’9” (NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!!). And he does have this large birthmark on his face. But man, the guy is in great shape. And when he talks, you listen. You just love everything he has to say. He’s got the charisma of Ryan Gosling in Crazy. Stupid. Love. When it’s time to go, he’s getting you with his closing line “hey, you want to get out of here?”

Aaron Rodgers4. Aaron Rodgers, Packers – 5 letters baby, R-E-L-A-X. He’s got the ultimate NorCal chill vibe. Cool, calm, collected and confident. He’s not the best-looking nor the best dressed at the bar, but one look into those eyes and you’re sold. Heaven help you if its Movember and he’s unironically donning his finest Tom Sellick mustache.

Russell Wilson3. Russell Wilson, Seahawks – He’s a shorty amongst giants but with a personality that will make you think he’s 10 feet tall. His obscure race makes him dreamy across the board. He’s got just enough swagger with a genuine personality that makes EVERY GIRL think they have a shot. Where does all this confidence come from? Just Google Russell Wilson Sports Illustrated cover.

Brady[TIE] 1. Tom Brady, Patriots – The real reason non-Patriots fans hate Brady isn’t because of his Swimsuit Model wife or outrageous success. It’s because we all know, deep down, that if Tom Brady walked into our office as the new Junior Assistant to the Custodial Secretary on a Monday, he’d walk out as CEO on a Friday. That’s the kind of guy who’s not leaving the bar until he’s leaving with the best.

Cam Newton[TIE] 1. Cam Newton, Panthers – Tall, dark and handsome. Body carved from stone. As for style, he’s the best dressed guy at the bar, no question. This guy is OOZING with confidence and his “I’m too good for you” attitude will keep you on edge all night. Not to mention this guy is just a hell of a dancer. True story, when the bouncer’s complained about his dancing he simply replied “Don’t let me in then.” The only knock on Cam is he just seems a little too full of himself, like he’d go home with himself if he could. Like the kinda guy that gets a mani/pedi/facial weekly. Oh wait…

Cam Pedi

…………

Hey guys, Dusty here. (and Tommy on the edit wagon).

Part 2 – POWER RANKINGS: How good would your quarterback be at picking up girls if he weren’t an NFL QB?

Main Photo

If NFL QBs were stripped of their professional title and say given a mid-level position like “I work in finance” or “I’m a sales account manager at a Top 50 tech company” how would they fair with the ladies. For full ground rules and the rankings of the bottom third of these rankings, visit Part 1.

Crazy day of rankings from Part 1 yesterday, amirite? Who could have foreseen Smoking Jay Cutler falling all the way to 32nd? But hey, any given POWER RANKINGS, as they say. That’s why we write the blogs. Cause you never know. I do need to apologize, and this is all on me. Tommy had nothing to do with it. There was a glaring omission from our bottom 11. A friend of mine pointed it out.

Friend: You left out Brian Hoyer.
Me: Who?
Friend: C’mon, you know who he is. Brian Hoyer.
Me: Ryan Hoyer?
Friend: Buh-rian Hoyer…You know, forget it.

Then he sent me a screenshot with highlights for easy deduction.

Hoyer Forgotten

So I went back and grabbed what I wrote about Hoyer 3 days before we posted. I kid you not, this is unedited.

Brian Hoyer, Texans – What’s there to care about here? IDK. Maybe a guy can build an aura of mystery around himself so great, that the woman actually pursues him because the only way to know this man is to actually know this man. That’s really Brian Hoyer’s best bet…And full disclosure, I don’t want to do research on a guy who I don’t believe will make next year’s power rankings. Prove me wrong, Hoyer!

My bad, guys…But when you’re dealing with the dregs of non-NFL QB lotharios, who gives a crap? We’ll bump Derek “Mascara Man” Carr up to 21 and that’s that. That post from yesterday was your grandpa’s POWER RANKINGS. Now we move on to the medium swinging dicks your POWER RANKINGS. I’m proud to present, #20-11.

Phillip Rivers20. Philip Rivers, Chargers – Almost certainly an insufferable weirdo with the energy of caffeinated Jack Russell Terrier, Philip Rivers looks like Buzz Lightyear, dresses like your dad, and walks into a bar like Gallagher at a fruit stand. YOU KNOW PHIL’S GONNA SMASH!…or propose to the first girl he speaks with. Either way, CONFIDENCE!

2013 UCF Football Team19. Blake Bortles, Jaguars – Want to hear a football joke? Blake Bortles! Fortunately, football has no place in this ranking. You get the feeling that every one of Ben Roethlisberger’s exes would be attracted to Blake Bortles just because he’s exactly like Ben Roethlisberger without the ten years of baggage. But, honey, that’s where you come in.

 

Carson Palmer18. Carson Palmer, Cardinals – Is he a ginger? His beard is ginger-ish. Yeah he’s a ginger. If Andy Dalton (King of Gingers) is around Palmer’s not getting a second look. In fact, aside from being 6’5” he’s just kind of an average looking white guy. Well, he does have the fabled “butt-chin” which was all the rage in Disney cartoons. Does it work as well in real life?

 

Matt Ryan17. Matt Ryan, Falcons – When you look at him, you just think Van Heusen or Kohls. An average looking white guy with above average height and physique. Being introduced as Matty Ice in college was a game changer, now it just makes you seem like a guy that’s still holding on to how cool he was in college. He doesn’t say a lot, and that mysterious confidence is absolutely his best bet.

Colin K16. Colin Kaepernick, 49ers – (disclaimer, no longer the starting QB) He just looks like a really jacked and tan elf. I mean I’m sure his bulging biceps that dwarf his XS Affliction t-shirt have some appeal in some circles…in 2007. The guy dresses like Justin Bieber and his voice will have you desperately searching for an Adam’s Apple. Is this bar on the North Pole? No? Ok, he’s gonna struggle.

Teddy Bridgewater15. Teddy Bridgewater, Vikings – Depending on the strength of his Jamaican accent, he could definitely convince you he’s Usain Bolt or the rich kid from Cool Running. Either way if nothing else would be an incredible ice breaker. “Ay mon, Ow much a pola bear weigh?” Let’s just be honest though aside from seeming like a really nice guy and fun name to say, he’s not bringing A LOT to the table. Besides, he went to school in Indiana so he’s probably not much for conversation.

Kirk Cousins14. Kirk Cousins, Washington Professional Football Team – Traditionally speaking, he’s a good looking dude – much like Ryan Tannehil down in South Beach. But Capt Kirk (which is how I’d imagine he introduces himself) doesn’t have what it takes to be the lead guy. He’s much better served as a wingman to someone like Tannehill. We can only hope that if he scores a number he really bros it out with “You like that?!?! YOU LIKE THAT!!!!”

Andrew Luck13. Andrew Luck, Colts – Here’s your true litmus test on the superficiality of women. Nobody’s falling for the “Spanx for my face” chin beard he’s rocking. And the only time “lucky” is a negative adjective is in reference to Andrew’s wardrobe. BUT! I think any woman would be lucky to get him out of those unfortunate polos. He is a cool, confident, built dude who knows his way around a conversation. Hey, I’m a believer in Andrew Luck the non-QB1.

Ryan Tannehill12. Ryan Tannehill, Dolphins – Talk about the Bud Light of the bar. Probably a best seller, but SOOOOOO boring. He’s a ubiquitous kind of desirable. Probably not a good sign when Google has only ever recorded you wearing your jersey, a suit, or an untailored khaki shirt. I get that a living Ken doll doesn’t need to try, but it would’ve helped his cause.

Peyton Manning11. Peyton Manning, Broncos – Too old to be in the bar, but hasn’t admitted it yet. He used to be a legendary stickman, so it’s tough to watch him work at this point. Like seeing Fonzie elbow a jukebox and get crickets. Time for the next phase. I’ll bet Peyton would write the best Match.com profile.

 

There you have it. The second tier. Middle management in the structural hierarchy that is slingin’ winks and handing off drinks. They may not be as talented as our top ten, but as another famous middle manager, Michael Scott said, “‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.’ – Wayne Gretzky.” Here’s the POWER RANKINGS to date:

Rankings

Are you with me Leather,
Dusty “Boomer of the Blog” Riedesel

POWER RANKINGS: How good would your quarterback be at picking up girls if he weren’t an NFL QB?

It’s a tale as old as time, errr as old as American Football; the Quarterback gets the girl. But then you think, does he get the girl JUST because he’s the quarterback? Is she interested in him solely based on his football position (be it high school, college or professional)? Then it leads to another thought; If NFL QBs were stripped of their professional title and say given a mid-level position like “I work in finance” or “I’m a sales account manager at a Top 50 tech company” how would they fair with the ladies? And of course, in true sports analogous fashion, how then would these now “average” men compare to each other whilst trying to seduce the fairer sex at your “average” bar/night club.

Ground Rules

First off, this about picking a girl up in a bar, meaning that the girl only has to commit to a next step, which can range from exchanging phone numbers to leaving the bar together for food, dancing, or even drinks at another bar. QB1 does not need to hit pay dirt to have “picked up” the bar girl. In terms Alex Smith could understand, this is more about completions than touchdowns.

Secondly, we’re ignoring current relationships and marriages because leaving out certain married quarterbacks would really let some air out of these power rankings. We’d really rather let fans of every quarterback have a fair chance of winning.

Third, as mentioned, the woman at the bar is assumed to have no prior knowledge of any of the QB1s. This is important when you consider alleged rapists like Big Ben and alleged QB2s like Colin Kaepernick. For argument’s sake, they’re professional contemporaries with their fellow patrons, just like most of us are. Besides, it’s a bar pickup. They could be anything. I wouldn’t put it past Jay Cutler to tell girls he’s a bodybuilder, and when they look at him suspiciously he just takes a drag from his cigarette and with complete apathy says, “Google me.”

Fourth, it’s a standard, run-of-the-mill bar. A few taps, poor wine selection, makeshift dining-turns-dancefloor situation, and a good racial diversity. No one has home field advantage here. It’s like the bar version of a London game.

Finally, the POWER RANKING criterion has been set to the five areas below, each a factor that can pick up a girl when used properly. Tommy and I have independently judged, then averaged each one on a scale of 1-10 (ie.  Sam Bradford I think his looks are a 6, and Tommy lambasted him with a 1, so his looks rating is a 3.5). The aggregate of the five categories is your ranking, making for a highest possible score of 50:

  1. Looks – Basically it’s the shape and look of everything on your head. Not the strongest category for Eli.
  2. Physique – Height, build, conditioning. I like to refer to this as “The Brady Quinn Memorial” category.
  3. Fashion – This can offset a strong physique rating. Also, we’re looking at modern day attire. Peyton Manning is 39 years old. We can’t judge him for what he was wearing when Willenium dropped.
  4. Perceived personality – You could also call this the “brand management” category. When picking up a girl at a bar, you’re trying to present some “best” version of yourself because you know you’re being judged in a pressurized situation. It’s a lot like getting interviewed on national TV about your professional performance. Cam Newton is brash. Tyrod Taylor couldn’t swing brash, so he’s a persistent worker. Brian Hoyer’s brand is, “Brian Hoyer…C’mon, you’ve heard of me. I’m Brian Hoyer…No, Buh-rian, with a ‘B’…You know, forget it.”
  5. Confidence – The ultimate trump card. The “there’s something about this guy that I won’t regret finding out” swagger. Aaron Rodgers has it. Kirk Cousins is trying like hell to have it, and Joe Flacco doesn’t give 120.6 million craps whether he has it or not.

Tommy will be breaking down our NFC quaterbacks, and Dusty “Yours Truly” Riedesel will tackle the AFC. I haven’t discussed it with Tommy, but I’d like the trophy of this thing to be named after Joe Namath.

Game never stopped with that guy…onto the rankings!

Jay Cutler32. Jay Cutler, Bears – He’s got the goods. Tall, fit, great head of hair. But Jay Cutler thinks Jay Cutler has confidence in Jay Cutler, while everyone else just sees a guy that peaked in college. False bravado doesn’t bode well in a crowded bar environment. His best play is to hang out in the smoker-section, bumming cigarettes, sipping his vodka redbulls and picking up on the ladies who are still trying to party like they did in college…or maybe they still are in college.

Nick Foles31. Nick Foles, Rams– “Hey you look like Napoleon Dynamite!” “Hey you look like Donald Trump’s son!” “Hey you look like Mitt Romney’s son!” None of these are compliments. EAT YOUR FOOD TINA!

 

Eli Manning

30. Eli Manning, Giants – At first look he’s certainly not getting a second look from the ladies. Not to mention if he’s at the bar with his much more charismatic, slightly better looking, taller older brother. But its just something about this doofy-looking, moderately confident guy. He’ll definitely throw out some hail mary’s around 1:45AM and walk away with some surprising phone numbers…or more.

Sam Bradford29. Sam Bradford, Eagles – Really no redeeming qualities here. Not a good looking guy. Not in the greatest shape. Probably wearing matching sweats to the bar. Really not sure why he gets paid so much money to be so average at his job. In the words of Parks and Rec character Mona-Lisa Saperstein, “HARD PASS.”

Joe Flacco28. Joe Flacco, Ravens – Now here’s a guy, who is just a guy, you know? Is he a fun guy? A smart guy? A cool guy? Maybe he’s a crazy guy. Nope. He’s just a guy. You might think to yourself, well, maybe he want so be some kind of guy. You can think that, but you’d be wrong. He doesn’t think about anything. He is just a guy.

 

Matt Stafford27. Matthew Stafford, Lions – Rule #1 of beard growth: if you can’t round out the beard with the connecting mustache, then you have a chin strap. Chin straps are the cheapest form of birth control that money can’t buy. Combine that with over-confidence and you have a bro who’s definitely CRUSHING Bud heavies at the shuffleboard and getting put in an Uber by his fraternity brothers.

Ryan Fitzpatrick26. Ryan Fitzpatrick, Jets – He went to Harvard. But without NFL media reminding you of that every time he plays, we don’t know if he’d be the cool “I had no idea you went to Harvard” type like Tommy Lee Jones. Or the “What’s for lunch today?…Sandwiches? I used to eat sandwiches at Harvard at least once a week” type. Probably the first kind. But his beard is about 3 centuries out of style, and he’s truly afraid of shirt collars.

Big Ben25. Ben Roethlisberger, Steelers – ROLL OUT THE BARREL!!! HEYO! I’ll bet it’s a great time to go mucking around the bars with Big Ben. It’s a great time until that 27th beer and he starts talking about how Bill Cosby’s career is now under appreciated…He’s tall. No taking that away from him, but going the “Body by InBev” route is probably a mistake.

Jameis Winston24. Jameis Winston, Bucs – Neck up, not a bad looking dude. He rocks a sweet 90’s fade that just works. Neck down, the definition of skinny-fat. Sure he’s tall, but those baggy sweats aren’t fooling anyone. Confident but not the best speaker. If you’re a sucker for snow crab legs, he’s your guy. FHRITP.

Johnny Manziel23. Johnny Manziel, Browns – Is it okay to talk about Johnny and bars? Feels dicey….He looks like Harry Potter got on some PEDs and he acts like he’s part of the WWE (not a bad 2nd career plan for Mr. Football). He’s pretty low here in the Pickup Power Rankings, but I hope he doesn’t get shut down because, well, let’s just make sure the bouncer’s staying warm.

Derek Carr22. Derek Carr, Raiders – I only have one problem with Ol’ Raccoon Eyes, and it’s not the constant guyliner he was born with. It’s that he insists on doing that single-length buzzcut and then lets it grow out to the tennis ball stage for weeks at a time. His only shot in the bar is if it’s right across the street from his Great Clips appointment.

#21-#11 coming on Wednesday…SPOILER ALERT: Blake Bortles is there, so maybe just wait until we get to the top ten after Thanksgiving.

Rankings 32-22

My great grandpa invented Saran wrap,
Dusty “Unemployed” Riedesel

 

A Baseball Fan: The Committed Relationship

Because you DO NOT talk about Orioles baseball without mentioning the Iron Man.

As I sit here on a cool, gray mid-September day, watching my Baltimore Orioles in a late season series against the New York (Satans) Yankees, I realize that I’ve been here before. I sat here watching this same game 5 months ago. I did it last year this same time. I did it 20 years ago, when the illusion of me become an Oriole myself was still a reality (you can still be whatever you want to be, kids).

But it’s not just me. I’m also currently in a 6 month long group text message with 4 of my closest buds (we started during preseason because we’re obsessive). This is impressive in and of itself since in general NO ONE likes to be part of a group message. Oh and we text during the O’s games EVERY day. Consider the commitment that takes.

That’s us in 2012 (G went to Game 2). First playoff game at Camden Yards since 1997.

Being a baseball fan is comparable in many ways to being in a long-term, committed relationship. Unlike football, where you get 3-hours of passion, intensity and high action once a week for 4 months. With baseball, you have 6 long months consisting of 162 games that may take 2 hours or 5 hours with some spikes of adrenaline throughout. And God forbid its a “Pitcher’s Duel” where you get 3 hours of ZERO offense and essentially watching 2 guys play catch.

But what does this teach you? It teaches you to look at the big picture. Every game only accounts for .617% of your overall season, which means there’s no need to get super jazzed nor depressed about any individual game. You learn its the whole body of work; how many series you’ve won, do you have winning records vs your division rivals, etc. Most importantly, do you have enough wins in August to be considered “in the hunt” for the playoffs! Like a relationship, every day is a new day. If you weren’t at your best yesterday, do a little extra today and even better tomorrow. You’re in it for the long haul, not the quick hit. With the NFL, every single game is crucial. In fact, if your team starts 0-2 you have like a 4% chance of even MAKING the Super Bowl.

For better or for worse. When your baseball team is bad, just plain not good, they’re going to stay that way for a while. Just ask Cubs fans who haven’t seen their team win a World Series in over 100 years. Hell, even me as an O’s fan, just saw my first O’s playoff game since I was 11 years old in 2012. And bringing in one stud pitcher or hitter will not immediately make your team a contender. Patience, development, growing together; that’s how build a better team, that’s how you build a better relationship. The Denver Broncos went from an 8-8 team in 2011 behind the arm (?) of Tim Tebow to 13-3 in 2012 and 13-3 and a Super Bowl appearance in 2013 behind Petyon Manning. Or the Redskins (not an offensive team name, damnit!) going from 5-11 in 2011 to 10-6 in 2012 behind RGIII. What would this look like in a relationship? “Oh, this isn’t working out and I’m bored. We’re breaking up and I’m going to go date the hot girl who makes my Americano in the morning.”

Disclaimer: Add 3 more winning seasons since the O’s switched back to the cartoon bird in 2012

Finally, being an MLB fan teaches you patience. Not only during each and every game as the batter goes through his pre-approach and the pitcher takes his sweet time picking up the sign, but for the entire season. Even now, as the O’s are nearly a lock to win the AL East, there are still 14 games left with important teams left to beat. Anything could happen. So you can damn well bet I’ll be watching each of those 14 games.

If the NFL is like the relationships in six seasons of Jersey Shore: loud, intense, quick-hit one-night stands. MLB is like the relationship between Lucy and Rick Ricardo for 6 seasons in I Love Lucy: ups, downs, crazy moments, not-so-crazy moments, but always ending up together.

It’s still America’s Pastime,

TC

You Need to Watch ABC’s “Rising Star” Just for this Kid’s Voice

There are a ton of benefits to having a girlfriend/fiance/wife. I won’t spend time listing them all out, but bare with me as I elaborate slightly on one of these. You end up watching TV shows that otherwise would never own a single second on your screen/DVR ever. That’s right folks, I’m referring to REALITY TV.

OK yeah, I’m now “forced” into watching the Bachelor/Bachelorette (ok ok, it’s now a guilty pleasure. OMG WHO IS ANDI GONNA GIVE A ROSE TO?!!?!?).

Last night, with our HBO shows done for the season, we flipped to the season premiere of ABC’s “Rising Star.” The show itself a knock-0ff of American Idol/Sing-off/The Voice/America’s Got Talent is mostly “meehhhh;” pretty mediocre (eventually the Hollywood heads will come up with something new). The twist is the the contestants sing a “live audition” in front of a black wall and the audience votes Thumbs Up or Thumbs Down via the Rising Star App. If the contestant reaches 70% approval from the votes on the App, the wall is lifted and they play in front of a live audience, including judges Brad Paisley, Ke$sha (so qualified) and Ludacris. They’re reactions and critique are mostly unoriginal, uninspiring and quite frankly pretty annoying (I’m pointing directly at you Luda). “I just didn’t feel it” is not going to help someone who was just ballsy enough to sing in front of millions of people.

“But Tommy, this sounds so bad. You’re already at 221 words and you’ve yet to make a point.”

Well, Bareback Faithful, I had to drag you through the darkness in order to show you the light. Jesse Kinch. The kid looks like a modern day Spicoli, but when he starts singing, chills and awe ensue. Raw talent and finally bringing something new to the table.

Though the show is mostly pretty garbage, I’ll be tuning in just to make sure this kid wins it.

I ❤ Reality TV,

Tommy “The Situation” Cooksey

5 Things You Need to Do in 2014

Happy New Year! It’s 2014 and we all made through unlucky ’13 alive. Dusty has carried me most of this holiday season on the posts (he’s actually carried me since August) so it’s time to pick it back up. 2104 is the Year of the Horse, so what does that mean? Time to poop and sleep standing up whilst grazing in a field!!!

While wasting time this past Friday afternoon, I sent Dusty a  link to a “25 Resolutions You Need to Keep as a Man” blog post. The irony of this blog post was that the #1 Resolution was something to the effect of “Make your own decisions; don’t let other tell you how to live your life.” Dusty aptly pointed out that he was reading the post not because I said so, or the author said he should, but because he decided to on his own accord.

This post encouraged me, not instructed me, to come up with a few things you should do in 2014 to continue to improve as a human being walking this earth. So, choose to do them, or don’t. But you should.

1. Say Thank You More Often – Or thanks, or I appreciate you/your help or really any rendition of the statement showing your gratitude. Sure, maybe you’re pretty good and handle your own, but chances are people have helped and are still helping. It might be something as minor as the cashier at Food Lion (yeah I shop there) bagging your groceries, but let them know they’re appreciated. People deserve to hear it.

Related point – when tipping, 20% is the new 15%. Stop being a tight ass.

2. Hold the Door for a Stranger – Hell, hold it for a whole group of people. You’re busy, I get it. Holding the door for someone is possibly the easiest, every day way to say to a stranger, “Hey, we’re all in this race together.” Also, “I’m not a giant doucher.”

3. Let your friends and family know you love them – Yeah, you’ll have your share of disagreements and you don’t always have to like them, but they’ve put up with your obnoxious ass for nearly 3 decades. Let em know you appreciate them being part of your world.

4. Actually work out. I’m partial, since I thoroughly enjoy working out. But even if you don’t love it, the benefits are undeniable. Stress relief, weight loss (aka Look Good Naked), make friends, make friends of the opposite sex, etc etc etc. Here are a few tips you might find helpful:

  • Start out with a few days a week
  • Don’t go in on Day 1 and try and run a half marathon or bench press the weight you did in high school (that was 11 years ago, bud)
  • Make it part of your schedule. Whether you go at 6am or at lunch or right after work. Do it at the same time every day. If you don’t make it part of your schedule, it’ll be too easy to say “I got so busy today, I didn’t get a chance to exercise.” And then you’ll say it for 11 consecutive months.

5. Try something you’ve never tried before. This is intentionally vague. I tried Indian food for the first time a few weeks ago. I was always afraid of the spice. Not on the way in, but on the way out. Here’s a list of new things you can try:

  • Bar
  • Restaurant
  • Sex position
  • Beer
  • Food
  • Sport
  • Soap
  • Workout (see #4)
  • etc etc etc

6. Start a blog. Actually, don’t. That could potentially detract from our readers. So don’t start a blog.

So here’s to 2014, let’s make it great.

Tommy “Are GIFs Still Cool” Cooksey

The 9 Best NFL Player Names

It’s been well-document by Key and Peele that unlike any other sport, football players have some of the most interesting, off the wall names (except maybe Prince Fielder because that’s just badass and his dad was big bad Cecil). If you believe in “predetermination” of a kid’s name, then you should take note on the names below as I sort the strongest NFL names in the league.

9. King Dunlap – “What’s a mob to a king?” “It’s good to be King.” “Oh I just can’t wait to be king…” (the last one from the Lion King, just kinda slipped in there). This is a beast of a human. King Size, if you will.

8. Captain Munnerlyn – His name is a freaking high-ranking official in the US Military. That just commands respect. If I were him, I’d definitely just sign my name Capt. I wonder how many times he’s been called Capn’ Crunch? That’s a can’t miss nickname right there.

7. Major Wright – What’s higher ranked than a Captain? A Major. (Thanks Wikipedia!) Nothing says big play like the name “Major.” I can’t think of a better name for an NFL safety unless his first name was Explosion. Exlposion Wright, yeah, that would be better.

6. Star Lotulelei – You know this dude was gonna excel at something in life. It just so happens he’s 6’4″, 300+ lbs and runs a low 5, 40 yard dash.

5. Atari Bigby – His name’s Atari – this guy is a gamer. Probably a little old school, but definitely the first of his kind. Oh and he’s from Jamaica, and based on the picture below, it’s only a matter of time before he goes the way of Von Miller.

And then you have the guys who just happened into great last names that seemed to make it fate that they’d be an elite football player.

4. DeAndre Hopkins – That kid’s got hops. Come on, it’s too easy. I wonder how his basketball or high jump skills are.

3. Quentin Jammer – Defensive backs are taught to jam the receiver at the line. Coincidence?

2. AJ Hawk – Ok, Hawk is just a bad ass last name. It could only better if his last name was PatrioticBaldEagleAmerican. And those golden lochs though.

1. Robert Griffin III – Have you ever seen a Griffin? Potentially the most dominant looking, made up beast ever.

And as much as it pains me to say it, because that’s my quarterback, man, just try to not have the last name Romo. Or at least pronounce “Rahmo.”

Still a Cowboys Fan,

Tommy “thinking of changing my name to ‘Ladies Man Millionaire'” Cooksey