Dusticular Cancer – March 20, Monday Morning


A couple of people recently mentioned that they have trouble reading the CarePages posts. While I’m suspicious of their laziness and technical acumen (you know who you are), I’ll also copy them here from now on. I mean, I have the time. These posts are partially therapeutic for me, partially informative for you, and hopefully helpful for whoever cares to read them. If you’re into more cancer-related reading (WHO ISN’T!?), all prior posts can be found here.

Dusty here,

KT and I are back at UNC Hospital as another month of injections begins today. Weirdly, it’s kind of a relief.

Don’t get me wrong, I much prefer not being in the hospital (If your disease-free options are to not be getting injections at the hospital or to be getting injections at the hospital, I highly recommend the former). But there’s something super frustrating about feeling like life is normal while knowing that it’s not. It makes sitting on your couch feel like being in line at the DMV. It’s not relaxing. It’s waiting.

But while I’m in the hospital, it’s less abstract. The needle pokes. The blood flows. The medicine medicates. And it’s these days where you can feel the calendar flip. That feels like progress. I get up in the morning, and instead of sitting on a couch, I sit in my car. I’m going somewhere.

Based on experience, the next couple of days will probably suck. My body has to acclimate to the medicine again after being off of it, but knowing how that goes makes it less of a big deal. For now, it’s nice to see the nurses again. They were happy that Kansas advanced in the tournament so that I could join in on making fun of their Duke-fan coworker. “I mean, you work for UNC. How good do you feel about cashing those paychecks?”

Speaking of March Madness (and because I have some time on my hands), I’m sure you all saw the news about the fire in downtown Raleigh. KT and I have a couple of friends who live in the apartment building directly next to it, and they’re completely safe staying with some family for the time being. It’s not publicly known how that happened yet, but that seems to be the next step in the way humans process this stuff. What happened? Who’d it happen to? Are they okay? How did it happen? And this is where we’re currently stuck. Maybe there’s a grand arsonist on the loose. Maybe wood construction isn’t the way of the future. I hope the “how” is discovered so everyone can answer the next part. Why. The “why” informs us of where to direct our resources. An arsonist requires human resources, educational and ethical, as another event reminds us of the holes in the human psyche. If materials are to blame, then political resources need to change regulations. Either way, the “why” is a critical part of healing the cause, not just putting out the flames.

The weirdest part about my leukemia is that they don’t know how it happens. There is no “why” to be solved. I know several of you have donated to cancer research with me in mind. It means a lot. There’s a million problems that need fixing in the world, and I’m not going to say trying to solve the unknown has more value than tackling something known like the water crisis (*sidenote below*). But it’s an honor to know that my problem has helped inspire some good. Example: our friend Natalee Jarrett raised a bunch of money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society for a half marathon she ran in a blazing 1:43:00. Sure, she’d probably have raised money for something else good, but I’m taking like, 2% of the credit. Thanks a ton, Natalee. It was truly, greatly appreciated. Life deals some bad beats, from fires to cancer and everything else. If you’re doing anything to help the what’s, who’, how’s and why’s of any of those beats, thank you to you too. It is appreciated.

Give someone a great week,
Dust

**Sidenote: Watching these NCCA tournament games, I keep seeing the Matt Damon commercial where he’s promoting the partnership between Stella Artois and Water.org to help fight the global water crisis. It’s noble, and I’m not denigrating their efforts in any way. This is just a point that is related. It takes roughly 20 gallons of water to brew a pint of beer (Teetotalers shouldn’t be uppity. It takes up to 132 gallons of water to make a 2-liter of soda). Do what you will with this knowledge.

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Simply Dusty (and how you can help!)

Many, if not all of you who are friends with Dusty and KT, have seen or heard the news that our big, lovable Dusty was diagnosed with Leukemia early last week. In true Dusty spirit, he’s assured me that if you have to have Leukemia, the kind he has is the kind you want to have – always looking at the silver linings, that guy. He and Katie will be spending the next several weeks in the hospital as Dusty kicks Leukemia’s ass. But, there are only so many episodes of The Price is Right and games of Cards Against Humanity they can handle. Boredom is the worst.

Many, MANY of you who have felt the outpouring of love and thoughtfulness of these 2 over the years have asked what you can do for them or how you can help. And in true KT/Dusty fashion they said, “Ask folks to donate blood if they are able and/or they can donate to the Jimmy V foundation.

These are both GREAT! Additionally if you want to do something THEM to let them know you’re thinking of them, praying for them and want to lift their spirits for the holidays, here is their mailing address! Send them well wishes if you feel so inclined! Let’s fill their room to the brim with love!

101 Manning Drive, Chapel Hill, NC 27514 – Cancer Hospital Room 4840

“I already have these…”

I had intended to write something sentimental today, being my last Fathers Day not officially a dad yet. About how no matter what style tshirt you have tucked into you stone washed Wranglers. Regardless of the type if white sneaker and cell phone clip you don on a daily basis. What’s important is that you’re present in your kid’s life. That you’re raising him/her to be a respectful, responsible, functioning human. 

And thats all still true, but then my buddy Blake sent me this and I felt the need to share. So much goodness starting with the “I already own these” to him doing a side by side comparison with his old school white Champion shoes. No more words are needed, enjoy the clip.

The Currys in question

Found via BroBible.

8.5? nope, wrong size.

TC

Can I be a bandwagon Panthers fan?

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I’m a lifelong Dallas Cowboys fan from Maryland. I catch heat for it every single year and have learned to just say “Yes, I’m from Texas.” Truth is my grandma force fed me Cowboys Starter Jackets, toys, footballs, etc etc etc to ensure that I wouldn’t pull for anyone else.

This blog post is not about me abandoning my beloved Cowboys. However, since I’m a 9+ year resident of North Carolina and have never really given the Panthers much love (and let’s be honest, you haven’t either regardless of how long you’ve lived here) how can you and I at least SEEM like a long time Panthers fan and join in on the fun.

  1. Remember, this is not your first Super Bowl. You’ve been here before and not that long ago actually. Super Bowl XXXVIII, 2003-2004 and lost to the Pats. Not bad for a franchise that’s only been around since 1995. SIDE NOTE: That is such a cluster of a Roman Numeral. So inefficient, no wonder their empire fe

    ll. SIDE NOTE II: That was the year Justin Timberlake showed Janet Jackson’s boobie on national TV.

  2. Know a player from the team pre-Cam Newton era. Here’s a list of common names you can pull and their respective positions:
    • Stephen Davis – RB (2000s) – He was a hoss, but the Redskins ran him hard prior to joining the Panthers and he ran outta steam.
    • John Kasay – K (1995-infinity) Yeah he still plays, but he’s the only original Panther from the 1995 expansion team.
    • Jake Delhomme – QB (90s-00’s) – 2 NFC Championships and a Superbowl appearance.
    • Julius Peppers – D-Line (2000’s) – a sack machine
    • Steve Smith Sr. – WR (forever) – possibly the most passionate football player ever to play the game. Well known for vomiting in trash cans on the field before games.
  3. Don’t be wishy-washy on Cam. Defend him passionately. You wouldn’t chant “USA USA USA” at a bar with strangers and then say, “Yeah that George Washington guy, he might be a good guy and good at what he does, but I’m not sure how I feel about him as a leader.”
  4. Say something about the Panthers history to show you’ve been a fan for at least greater than 1 year. Here’s a good one: “It’s crazy we barely made the playoffs last year at 7-9-1 and this year we dominated the whole season!”
  5. Be aware of who this guy is, but don’t be this guy.
  6. Don’t “dab.” Or maybe do dab. But if you’re painfully white, definitely don’t dab.

This is NOT how you dab.

This is the right way.

Super Bowl 50 (or Super Bowl L to the Romans) is Sunday, February 7th at 6:30pm. Until then, Keep Pounding, Ice Up Son and dab your way through the work week.

BONUS Fashion DON’T: Please, never wear sunglasses (err transition lens glasses?) like Ron Rivera

BUY/SELL 2015 Edition (yes it’s late)

In an effort to keep you up to date on what to buy and what to sell as you wash your hands of 2015 and make your resolutions for 2015 we wanted to provide you our exhaustive list of what’s cool and what’s absolutely not. This started with me (Tommy, the good-looking one) sending my write-up to Dusty (also the good-looking one), to which he would add his flare, and boom, we’d post it sometime around December 30th (+/- 1 day). But as happens, work, life, fitness gets going and all of a sudden NYE is less of a landmark day, all out celebration and more of a “Can I even stay up until midnight?” (Spoiler, when you’re binge watching Making a Murderer, the answer is YES you can stay up until midnight), things can get swept under the rug.

So without further ado, here’s our list (which Dusty whole-heartedly agrees with). You still have 344 days to get your ish together (yay for the extra leap year day!).

BUY:

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber went from an unknown Canadian, to a teeny bopper phenom, to a kid quickly going the way of Macaulay Culkin. Quickly flipped it around and started dating a Victoria Secret model, collaborated with Skrillex for the #1 summer hit and recently released an album with so many bangers, it’s made everyone a Belieber. May have to sacrifice my man card, but I’m buying the Biebs.

 

Aziz Ansari

You might know him as the lovable, entrepreneur from Parks and Rec, Tom Haverford or maybe you’ve seen anyone of his stand up performances on Netflix. But did you know he’s continued his hot streak writing and producing the Netflix series Master of None? In a nutshell, he takes segments of his stand up routine and turns them into a 30 minute laugh fest of a show that always seem to teach us lesson. Not only are you buying, but you’re telling your friends to buy any chance you get.

Gourmet Donuts

You’re hungry just looking at this morsel.

As if you need an explanation. Once you’ve tried a locally made donut that’s not glazed (i.e. Maple Bacon, Creme Brulee, Fruity Pebble Topped) you’ll be like Dunkin Donuts? Never heard of her.

Adam Driver

He’s the over the top boyfriend from GIRLS, he plays a dark role in Star Wars. This dude has the most dynamic acting range of modern male actors, polar opposite opposite of Ryan Gosling. Oh and he’s a former Marine. Respect. Mad respect.

 

 

SELL:

“All the things…”

Like many Basic-isms overexaggerations (see: “I literally just slept for a millions hours,” “BEST. FROYO. EVER.” “#obsessed”), this one had its time in the sun and now needs to be SOLD. Common uses:

“Halloween time, eating all the candy.”

“Christmas time, watching all the movies.”

You get the point.

 

Whip and Nae Nae

No. Seriously, this is the worst.

RIP Superman

RIP Dougie

RIP Hit da QUAN

RIP Whip and Nae Nae (by now you see the trend).

Once a dance makes it to white people’s wedding and 4th graders are doing it at recess, a dance is no longer cool and needs to be SOLD.

Shout out to the Slides (Electric and Cha Cha), Cupid Shuffle and The Wobble for standing the test of time.

Regular Movie Theater Seating

Let’s be real here, traditional movie theater seating is uncomfy and you feel like you play the arm rest war all movie with a total stranger. Enter the new age theater seating. Leather, recliner, airline style tv tray. I mean now I can be comfy AND I don’t have to worry about where to rest my greasy bag o’ popcorn.

Part 3 – POWER RANKINGS: How good would your quarterback be at picking up girls if he weren’t an NFL QB?

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If NFL QBs were stripped of their professional title and say given a mid-level position like “I work in finance” or “I’m a sales account manager at a Top 50 tech company” how would they fair with the ladies. For full ground rules and the rankings of the bottom third of these rankings, visit Part 1.

Hey gang, Dusty here. Looks like we made it. Look how far we’ve come. We might have took the long way, but we knew we’d get here someday. Shania Twain was right about a lot of things. Maybe she was singing about the success of a time tested relationship, and maybe she was singing about two bloggers banging out a controversial POWER RANKING of every NFL quarterbacks’ inherent gamesmanship outside of the pocket. Who can say?

Some people have taken the POWER RANKINGS pretty poorly, citing grievances like Andrew Luck coming in ahead of Kirk Cousins. What do you want me to say? I didn’t write the rules [sic], and even if I did, those rules are an analytical distillation of the subjective collaboration of two white guys born two weeks apart and living very similar lives in the same city. That’s accountability! Who better to balance Tommy’s opinion than someone who knows where he’s coming from? We ranked these guys without talking in the judgment categories, combined our scores, and we left it alone. From there, The Ideal POWER RANKINGS Law took over. Maybe it’s a little off.

Do I look at the picture of a certain lantern-jawed Miamian and think he got hosed at number 12? Sure. I’m human. But doesn’t “lifetime achievement” consideration bleed into the confidence and personality rating of Peyton Manning? The committee here at Writing Bareback thought so. And I stand by them.

As for Blake Bortles, screw that guy. Let’s look at the top ten, and maybe then we’ll all be happy.

Tyrod10. Tyrod Taylor, Bills – A lack of pride and a lot of persistence go a long ways in pickup success, and he’s got #TyrodTailored going for his fashion. But he’s basically a poor man’s Cam Newton. Taylor’s best strategy would be to follow Cam around at the bar and wait for a woman to be bitterly disappointed that Cam wasn’t interested in her. The he should introduce himself and cross his fingers that she thinks, “Eh, close enough.”

Alex Smith9. Alex Smith, Chiefs – Pleasantly surprised to see my boy crack the top 10! Gets an odd bump in looks for the Ryan Gosling comp. Looking like a celeb never hurts. Alex Smith is a guy who would have a girl completely engrossed in the best conversation of her life until Kaepernick interrupts to say “I’ll even wash your clothes in the morning” and shows the girl his abs. It’s too bad. I’m an Alex Smith fan.

Andy Dalton8. Andy Dalton, Bengals – His hair stands out as one of my favorite fashion accessories in the group. He embraces the much maligned gingerness, and in doing so, shows every woman his self-assured nature. He’s got a lot of “Kevin MacArthur” from The League in him which is a pretty lovable comp for a guy who’d make a great Assistant District Attorney. Physically, might as well be cut from stone compared to division rival QB1s.

Romo7. Tony Romo, Cowboys – (admitted blogger-bias) He’s tall, he’s in decent shape, he’s got big ears and goofy smile and lacking in the style department (still trying to bring back the paperboy cap). BUT! So much cool confidence and what a nice guy! The kind of guy that takes a homeless guy to the movies or pulls over in the rain to help an elderly couple change their tire. He’s so comfy in his own skin and the kinda guy you want to take home to mom, he’s definitely getting your number…and you heart.

Marcus Mariota6. Marcus Mariota, Titans – Great showing for the rookie! All the potential is there, but he’s still figuring it out. Marcus is the guy that walks into a bar, and every girl notices him. And then he starts talking, and he’s missing all the openings. It’s frustrating to watch. He looks like he’s hitting his stride with an amusing story about making coconut syrup on the Big Island, and right when she tells him he’s funny, Marcus leans in and says, “OOPS! I’M SORRY. I didn’t mean to spill that on you!”

Drew Brees5. Drew Brees, Saints – Ok, so he’s 6’ tall. But next to these other freak monstrosities, he looks like he’s 5’9” (NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!!). And he does have this large birthmark on his face. But man, the guy is in great shape. And when he talks, you listen. You just love everything he has to say. He’s got the charisma of Ryan Gosling in Crazy. Stupid. Love. When it’s time to go, he’s getting you with his closing line “hey, you want to get out of here?”

Aaron Rodgers4. Aaron Rodgers, Packers – 5 letters baby, R-E-L-A-X. He’s got the ultimate NorCal chill vibe. Cool, calm, collected and confident. He’s not the best-looking nor the best dressed at the bar, but one look into those eyes and you’re sold. Heaven help you if its Movember and he’s unironically donning his finest Tom Sellick mustache.

Russell Wilson3. Russell Wilson, Seahawks – He’s a shorty amongst giants but with a personality that will make you think he’s 10 feet tall. His obscure race makes him dreamy across the board. He’s got just enough swagger with a genuine personality that makes EVERY GIRL think they have a shot. Where does all this confidence come from? Just Google Russell Wilson Sports Illustrated cover.

Brady[TIE] 1. Tom Brady, Patriots – The real reason non-Patriots fans hate Brady isn’t because of his Swimsuit Model wife or outrageous success. It’s because we all know, deep down, that if Tom Brady walked into our office as the new Junior Assistant to the Custodial Secretary on a Monday, he’d walk out as CEO on a Friday. That’s the kind of guy who’s not leaving the bar until he’s leaving with the best.

Cam Newton[TIE] 1. Cam Newton, Panthers – Tall, dark and handsome. Body carved from stone. As for style, he’s the best dressed guy at the bar, no question. This guy is OOZING with confidence and his “I’m too good for you” attitude will keep you on edge all night. Not to mention this guy is just a hell of a dancer. True story, when the bouncer’s complained about his dancing he simply replied “Don’t let me in then.” The only knock on Cam is he just seems a little too full of himself, like he’d go home with himself if he could. Like the kinda guy that gets a mani/pedi/facial weekly. Oh wait…

Cam Pedi

…………

Hey guys, Dusty here. (and Tommy on the edit wagon).

Part 2 – POWER RANKINGS: How good would your quarterback be at picking up girls if he weren’t an NFL QB?

Main Photo

If NFL QBs were stripped of their professional title and say given a mid-level position like “I work in finance” or “I’m a sales account manager at a Top 50 tech company” how would they fair with the ladies. For full ground rules and the rankings of the bottom third of these rankings, visit Part 1.

Crazy day of rankings from Part 1 yesterday, amirite? Who could have foreseen Smoking Jay Cutler falling all the way to 32nd? But hey, any given POWER RANKINGS, as they say. That’s why we write the blogs. Cause you never know. I do need to apologize, and this is all on me. Tommy had nothing to do with it. There was a glaring omission from our bottom 11. A friend of mine pointed it out.

Friend: You left out Brian Hoyer.
Me: Who?
Friend: C’mon, you know who he is. Brian Hoyer.
Me: Ryan Hoyer?
Friend: Buh-rian Hoyer…You know, forget it.

Then he sent me a screenshot with highlights for easy deduction.

Hoyer Forgotten

So I went back and grabbed what I wrote about Hoyer 3 days before we posted. I kid you not, this is unedited.

Brian Hoyer, Texans – What’s there to care about here? IDK. Maybe a guy can build an aura of mystery around himself so great, that the woman actually pursues him because the only way to know this man is to actually know this man. That’s really Brian Hoyer’s best bet…And full disclosure, I don’t want to do research on a guy who I don’t believe will make next year’s power rankings. Prove me wrong, Hoyer!

My bad, guys…But when you’re dealing with the dregs of non-NFL QB lotharios, who gives a crap? We’ll bump Derek “Mascara Man” Carr up to 21 and that’s that. That post from yesterday was your grandpa’s POWER RANKINGS. Now we move on to the medium swinging dicks your POWER RANKINGS. I’m proud to present, #20-11.

Phillip Rivers20. Philip Rivers, Chargers – Almost certainly an insufferable weirdo with the energy of caffeinated Jack Russell Terrier, Philip Rivers looks like Buzz Lightyear, dresses like your dad, and walks into a bar like Gallagher at a fruit stand. YOU KNOW PHIL’S GONNA SMASH!…or propose to the first girl he speaks with. Either way, CONFIDENCE!

2013 UCF Football Team19. Blake Bortles, Jaguars – Want to hear a football joke? Blake Bortles! Fortunately, football has no place in this ranking. You get the feeling that every one of Ben Roethlisberger’s exes would be attracted to Blake Bortles just because he’s exactly like Ben Roethlisberger without the ten years of baggage. But, honey, that’s where you come in.

 

Carson Palmer18. Carson Palmer, Cardinals – Is he a ginger? His beard is ginger-ish. Yeah he’s a ginger. If Andy Dalton (King of Gingers) is around Palmer’s not getting a second look. In fact, aside from being 6’5” he’s just kind of an average looking white guy. Well, he does have the fabled “butt-chin” which was all the rage in Disney cartoons. Does it work as well in real life?

 

Matt Ryan17. Matt Ryan, Falcons – When you look at him, you just think Van Heusen or Kohls. An average looking white guy with above average height and physique. Being introduced as Matty Ice in college was a game changer, now it just makes you seem like a guy that’s still holding on to how cool he was in college. He doesn’t say a lot, and that mysterious confidence is absolutely his best bet.

Colin K16. Colin Kaepernick, 49ers – (disclaimer, no longer the starting QB) He just looks like a really jacked and tan elf. I mean I’m sure his bulging biceps that dwarf his XS Affliction t-shirt have some appeal in some circles…in 2007. The guy dresses like Justin Bieber and his voice will have you desperately searching for an Adam’s Apple. Is this bar on the North Pole? No? Ok, he’s gonna struggle.

Teddy Bridgewater15. Teddy Bridgewater, Vikings – Depending on the strength of his Jamaican accent, he could definitely convince you he’s Usain Bolt or the rich kid from Cool Running. Either way if nothing else would be an incredible ice breaker. “Ay mon, Ow much a pola bear weigh?” Let’s just be honest though aside from seeming like a really nice guy and fun name to say, he’s not bringing A LOT to the table. Besides, he went to school in Indiana so he’s probably not much for conversation.

Kirk Cousins14. Kirk Cousins, Washington Professional Football Team – Traditionally speaking, he’s a good looking dude – much like Ryan Tannehil down in South Beach. But Capt Kirk (which is how I’d imagine he introduces himself) doesn’t have what it takes to be the lead guy. He’s much better served as a wingman to someone like Tannehill. We can only hope that if he scores a number he really bros it out with “You like that?!?! YOU LIKE THAT!!!!”

Andrew Luck13. Andrew Luck, Colts – Here’s your true litmus test on the superficiality of women. Nobody’s falling for the “Spanx for my face” chin beard he’s rocking. And the only time “lucky” is a negative adjective is in reference to Andrew’s wardrobe. BUT! I think any woman would be lucky to get him out of those unfortunate polos. He is a cool, confident, built dude who knows his way around a conversation. Hey, I’m a believer in Andrew Luck the non-QB1.

Ryan Tannehill12. Ryan Tannehill, Dolphins – Talk about the Bud Light of the bar. Probably a best seller, but SOOOOOO boring. He’s a ubiquitous kind of desirable. Probably not a good sign when Google has only ever recorded you wearing your jersey, a suit, or an untailored khaki shirt. I get that a living Ken doll doesn’t need to try, but it would’ve helped his cause.

Peyton Manning11. Peyton Manning, Broncos – Too old to be in the bar, but hasn’t admitted it yet. He used to be a legendary stickman, so it’s tough to watch him work at this point. Like seeing Fonzie elbow a jukebox and get crickets. Time for the next phase. I’ll bet Peyton would write the best Match.com profile.

 

There you have it. The second tier. Middle management in the structural hierarchy that is slingin’ winks and handing off drinks. They may not be as talented as our top ten, but as another famous middle manager, Michael Scott said, “‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.’ – Wayne Gretzky.” Here’s the POWER RANKINGS to date:

Rankings

Are you with me Leather,
Dusty “Boomer of the Blog” Riedesel