Tag Archives: 50 Shades of Grey

Men, Don’t Read 50 Shades of Grey: Reason 2

When I posted “Do not read 50 Shades of Grey” as a best practice amongst unmarried males, I assumed it would be accepted as gospel.  Since then, I’ve probably had 29 conversations about a book I’ve never read.  While a few girls have a insisted it’s a love story, a few women have told me it romanticizes abusive sex.  I don’t know which one is true, and I really don’t care.  All I know is that whenever I think of a reason to reinforce this unresearched opinion, I’m going to post it.
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Manage Expectations

The most dangerous thing to do in a relationship is set precedents. Go ahead and read 50 Shades of Grey, but know that your lady friend will expect you to read similar books in the future.  Each word that enters your brain is a drop in the heavy bucket of expectations that you enjoy these books, and the path to disappointment is paved in expectations.  To avoid laying that disappointment on your lady friend (that you don’t want to continually consume “girl world” books), not only are you going to have to read the 50 Shades sequels , but you’ll also have to read whatever tri-heptalogy that comes out next.  The market for estrogen crack is too strong now….I’m personally thinking of getting into the market by writing a story about an agoraphobic, corporate heiress who gains an unhealthy fixation with her Liam Hemsworth-esque neighbor, living out her fantasies through voyeurism and under-cover prostitutes.  It’s gonna be bigger than Beanie Babies….Point is, you don’t want to spend your future Wednesday nights reading some book called Suicidal Lust beside a roaring fire when you could be watching re-runs of Storage Wars.

Men, Don’t Read 50 Shades of Grey: Reason 1

When I posted “Do not read 50 Shades of Grey” as a best practice amongst unmarried males, I assumed it would be accepted as gospel.  Since then, I’ve probably had 29 conversations about a book I’ve never read.  While a few girls have a insisted it’s a love story, a few women have told me it romanticizes abusive sex.  I don’t know which one is true, and I really don’t care.  All I know is that whenever I think of a reason to reinforce this unresearched opinion, I’m going to post it.

Save your time, Men. we have been here before

While it’s fairly common knowledge that women want nothing more than a slovenly dressed man to sit on their couch as they cook and clean for him, they occasionally lose sight of those desires (my chauvinism feels like it’s running a little hot today).  Every couple of years we see a mythological titan of romance rise up in film and literature, and usually both.  The unwavering devotion of Noah Notebook and the fantastical attentions of Edward Twilight are literary figures holding testicle sheers. I distinctly remember two lines, one directed at me and one not.  “Why can’t you be more like Noah?” And, “Reading about Edward actually makes me hate you a little bit.”  You know what happened in both cases? The girls got over it until they found some new piece of estrogen crack, now appearing in the idea of Christian Grey.  So, men, if you feel so insecure that you need to peak into a woman’s fantasy world, feel free.  But this too shall pass, and you’re probably just wasting your time.

PS. This was written with the assumption that a man can’t have personal pleasure from 50 Shades of Grey as it falls under “girl-world” parameters. Meaning that if the initial consumer of a product is over 71% female, then said product is incapable of satisfying male consumers.  Famous examples of “girl world” products are purple gel pens, Nicholas Sparks novels, sequins, the Volkswagen Beetle, Vagisil, Easy Bake Ovens, napkins and picture frames.

10 Best Practices for the Unmarried Man

I’ve always wondered why you never see “follow best practices” on a list of best practices.  Well, just know it’s implied.  Carry on.

1. Whenever dealing with topic of STDs, always err on the side that won’t make people wonder if you have any

2. If your date has leftovers at a restaurant, do not carry her leftovers out of the restaurant for her. You don’t want people thinking you didn’t finish all your food (if you have both your testicles and leftovers at a restaurant, please don’t read this blog anymore).

3. Know, use and understand the term “Great White Buffalo”

4. Grow a non-ironic mustache. The man that can survive the first 2 years of his peers thinking this is a joke will see it pay off in spades.

5. Similar to buying stock, always be contrarian to the opinions of your peers.

a. Example: In my high school days, some men were publicizing their idea that women didn’t poop or fart (the “women are angels and I’d never even think about not calling one back after heavy petting in the back of my ’92 Crown Victoria” implications were obvious). That was fine a decade ago, but now too many guys voice this opinion, and you look like a deuschy lemming if you say it too. Whether you bought into that opinion early enough or not, there’s only one option now. Sell.

6. Never act like you know more than a girl on topics of style, interior decorating, fabric care or baking. Even if you do know more, the knowledge wins you nothing.

7. Do not read 50 Shades of Grey.

8. Hide the fact that you don’t understand half of the joke references in Archer.

 

9. When not wearing a tuxedo, avoid drinking out of Martini glasses.

10. Be a Kevin Durant fan.

Preaching what I practice,
Dusty