Tag Archives: Halloween

How To Celebrate Halloween As A Single Guy

Once titled “Men Should Celebrate Halloween Like Sluts Too” before much appreciated editing, I wrote this article a year ago. But what was true in 2012 is still true in 2013. 

After being prompted to write this article, I brought it up to a friend under a “celebrate Halloween like a dude” premise. The response was general but pointed: “Everyone should celebrate Halloween the same way — like sluts.”

These guys know what I’m talking about (NSFW):

I can usually post my PolicyMic articles in a lunch break (if you look at what I’ve written here, it’s not exactly brain-breaking stuff), but I just couldn’t think of an interesting take for celebrating Halloween like a dude. So screw it, the “holiday” is what it is.  Depending on your situation in life, here’s how you should approach the holiday.

Single male, ages 11 and under – You know what to do. Say trick or treat (with or without the “smell my feet” addition) and grab something good to eat. And if you pass one of those lazy houses with a “just take one” sign and a bucket of candy, don’t be a glutton.

Single male, ages 12-15 – Your last chance to trick or treat. Swallow your pride, endure the belittling stares of age skeptics, and embrace the last time you can accept a non-politically loaded handout.

Single male, ages 15-18 – I’m afraid to write to this age group. If you go to a party, leave room for Jesus, kids.

Single male, ages 18-65 – Most men in these situations think Halloween is the night where women from Topeka to Fargo (and beyond!) hit the bars like pre-nude strippers. But it’s about more than that.  Depending on your exact age and social sphere, the class of your Halloween evening may change, but not the spirit. And that spirit is invention. Unlike other evenings, you are given free reign to be the most extreme version of anything. (Despite what you might think about your free will to do that anyway, you are wrong.  You are a composite of genetic inclinations, advertising’s influence, and sociopolitical preferences.)  Most people think that freedom is about the costume, but the costume is really just an extension of your emancipated soul. This Halloween, I’m dressing as Bob from Fight Club. What’s this say about me? My character has developed prominent female attributes as a result of abusing a drug that augments an inherently masculine chemical. I’m insecure, trying to reclaim my manhood. Halloween is not just sluts, booze and bad decisions — yes, it is those things — but it is also a night of self-discovery.  Dig deep, channel your spirit animal.

Single male, ages 65+ – It’s over, dude. Put a bucket of candy outside your house, watch a movie, go to bed.

Married male, ages 12+ – You should avoid Halloween parties. I’m not saying that it’s bad to hang around lingerie-clad women with wings taped to their bras, but it’s not exactly marital fertilizer. If you’re going to go, I’d suggest a morphsuit. It’s like wearing creeper shades for your whole body.

Male with kids, ages 12+ – This is not a holiday for you. It’s exercise, and it’s work, not unlike vacation when you have kids.  Lean into it.

Single Male age 28,
Dusty “What’s my diagnosis?” Riedesel

The 9 Most Terrible Movie Titles of All Time

Here’s an article I wrote for PolicyMic a year ago. It’s magically timeless.

the, 9, most, terrible, movie, titles, of, all, time,

So there’s this Blood Bones & Butter movie coming at some point too far off to care about. It’ll star Gwyneth Paltrow, which could have made it worth seeing in 1999, before she decided to be the good woman standing behind Chris Martin and Tony Stark. You may think that I’ve buried the lead with all this non-news in the opening paragraph, but you’d be wrong. The big new here is that they’ve named a foodie memoir “Blood Bones & Butter”, which I’m pretty sure is the exact recipe for the O+ flavor of True Blood. This movie has a sucky title, something Hollywood does fairly frequently.  There are a lot of movie titles that could have made this list, these were just the first nine that found me. Call it providence.

1. Frankenweenie

Some people are convinced this movie will have a kind of creepy-cuteness to it, but the title ruins all hopes for me. All I can think of is a foot-dragging zombie sprouting an erection while the living yell in terror, “IT’S ALLIIIIIIIIIIIVVVEE!!!!!”

2. Frankenhooker – Kind of the a reversal of gender roles from the description above, but a little more sad because of the tragedy that is the undead sex-trade industry.

3. A Fistfull of Dollars – This would be a good movie title if it were the sequel to Magic Mike.

4. Gigli – I honestly thought it was a movie aobut J-Lo’s finely landscaped back yard. I mean, it is pronounced “Jiggly” isn’t it?

5. Halloween II (2009) – I hate this title purely because it’s a misnomer. Considering the first Halloween II was made in 1981, this 2009 film by Rob Zombie should have been called Halloween II 2, the Return of Halloween II.

6. For a Few Dollars More – Yep, only a good movie title if it were the final chapter of the Magic Mike trilogy. (Here’s the thing, Magic Mike is essentially about a man who’s more than a piece of meat, but much like the Step Up movies that Channing Tatum manbirthed, if you get away from the stripping/dancing, it won’t be Magic Mike anymore. I can’t wait to see what tough situations keep him stripping (Inception parentheses (parentheses inside a parenthesis), I haven’t seen Magic Mike).

7. Blacula! – Oh yeah, it happened. I may or may not have read in Esquire that the Wayans brothers considered this the greatest influence on their acting careers.

8. Phat Girlz – This can be one of only two things: A direct-to-TV movie that aired on BET in 2006, or Tyler Perry’s well-buried attempt to film a feature length special for late night Cinemax. There is no third option.

9.  The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? – Okay, you’re right. That’s an awesome title.