Tag Archives: PolicyMic

I wrote about the Spanish Version of Breaking Bad on PolicyMic. Go check it out.

breaking, bad, spanish, remake:, everything, we, know, about, metástasis,

Title pretty much explains this post. It’s a straightforward article, not Bareback in any way. I even resisted the urge to Google “Colombian racial stereotypes” as joke ammunition (mostly because the liberal and feminist readers of PolicyMic scare me). BUT, if you liked Breaking Bad, it’s interesting. You should read it. Here’s your link, and I’m going to resist making it something offensive.

WALTER BLANCO, THE ONE WHO GARDENS…I MEAN, KNOCKS.

Something’s wrong with me.

DR

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The 9 Most Terrible Movie Titles of All Time

Here’s an article I wrote for PolicyMic a year ago. It’s magically timeless.

the, 9, most, terrible, movie, titles, of, all, time,

So there’s this Blood Bones & Butter movie coming at some point too far off to care about. It’ll star Gwyneth Paltrow, which could have made it worth seeing in 1999, before she decided to be the good woman standing behind Chris Martin and Tony Stark. You may think that I’ve buried the lead with all this non-news in the opening paragraph, but you’d be wrong. The big new here is that they’ve named a foodie memoir “Blood Bones & Butter”, which I’m pretty sure is the exact recipe for the O+ flavor of True Blood. This movie has a sucky title, something Hollywood does fairly frequently.  There are a lot of movie titles that could have made this list, these were just the first nine that found me. Call it providence.

1. Frankenweenie

Some people are convinced this movie will have a kind of creepy-cuteness to it, but the title ruins all hopes for me. All I can think of is a foot-dragging zombie sprouting an erection while the living yell in terror, “IT’S ALLIIIIIIIIIIIVVVEE!!!!!”

2. Frankenhooker – Kind of the a reversal of gender roles from the description above, but a little more sad because of the tragedy that is the undead sex-trade industry.

3. A Fistfull of Dollars – This would be a good movie title if it were the sequel to Magic Mike.

4. Gigli – I honestly thought it was a movie aobut J-Lo’s finely landscaped back yard. I mean, it is pronounced “Jiggly” isn’t it?

5. Halloween II (2009) – I hate this title purely because it’s a misnomer. Considering the first Halloween II was made in 1981, this 2009 film by Rob Zombie should have been called Halloween II 2, the Return of Halloween II.

6. For a Few Dollars More – Yep, only a good movie title if it were the final chapter of the Magic Mike trilogy. (Here’s the thing, Magic Mike is essentially about a man who’s more than a piece of meat, but much like the Step Up movies that Channing Tatum manbirthed, if you get away from the stripping/dancing, it won’t be Magic Mike anymore. I can’t wait to see what tough situations keep him stripping (Inception parentheses (parentheses inside a parenthesis), I haven’t seen Magic Mike).

7. Blacula! – Oh yeah, it happened. I may or may not have read in Esquire that the Wayans brothers considered this the greatest influence on their acting careers.

8. Phat Girlz – This can be one of only two things: A direct-to-TV movie that aired on BET in 2006, or Tyler Perry’s well-buried attempt to film a feature length special for late night Cinemax. There is no third option.

9.  The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? – Okay, you’re right. That’s an awesome title.

5 Complaints from a Budding Maculinist

When I saw PolicyMic’s Feminist Writing Skillshare link, I began wondering if I would be considered a feminist, after all, I do believe in men and women deserve equal rights. My next thought was, “If it’s about the genders being equal, then shouldn’t it be called a humanist?”

Merriam-Webster defines a “masculinist” as “an advocate of male superiority or dominance.”

Damn connotative foibles. If being a “feminist” meant being a believer in female superiority, I’d be against it. Fortunately, I found that the definition is considered controversial, and the widely accepted term and definition is “masculism” as “the belief that equality between the sexes requires the recognition and redress of prejudice and discrimination against men as well as women.” That sounded even-handed to me, and I like that. I’d frankly be just fine if we called it humanism. But we don’t. It’s masculism. I know that that we still have several issues to bridge the gap to equality from a feminist viewpoint, but as a newly christened maculinist, I just want to point out some things that are plaguing the masculism camp.

1.      Neither “masculinism” or “masculism” is recognized as a correctly spelled word by Microsoft Office applications. Get out of the dark ages, Microsoft! I am man, hear me make a sweet, bird-like noise.

2.      Soft prostitution is still en vogue. When I take a girl out to dinner, there’s this whole check dance that we have to engage in (I searched for the HIMYM video but couldn’t find it). She acts like she wants to split it. I insist that I’ve got it. She insists back. I do an annotated version of the St. Crispin’s Day speech about holding my manhood cheap, and then she demurely relents with or without a bashful eyeroll. I like the check dance. It makes everyone feel good. You know what it means when a girl finally lets me pay? Absolutely nothing! She’s not obligated to go out with me again. I offered to pay and that’s my risk. That’s equality, just the same way I’ll assume nothing is meant if she insists on splitting the check. I don’t care how a woman wants to play it, but both masculism and feminism shouldn’t read too much into either approach. When the bill is paid, no debt is made.

3.      Condoms aren’t cheap. If both people are benefiting from their use, then maybe both people should be buying them. I’m just saying.

4.      Women are allowed to beat my ass. Short story: I “dated” a woman in college. It did not end well. She saw me at a bar a year later, walked up to me and slapped the taste out of my mouth. Twice! What happened next? Nothing. I simply internalized my white-hot rage for the next fifteen minutes as I waited for my buddies to stop cackling like damn hyenas. Flip that situation around for a minute. Men would come running to stop a man hitting a woman. Why aren’t women running to stop a woman from hitting a man? For all those thinking I deserved it, I can assure you that I did not (mostly). Pretty soon people will think I’m okay with a woman taking advantage of me sexually too. Pigs!

5.      The “sinking ship” expectation still exists. Women and children go first! For all the talk of chivalry being dead, men are still the majority working the most dangerous jobs, like military, law enforcement, oil rigs, and while this is a guess, probably alligator wrestling. As a believer in gender equality, I’d like to center some legislation around two ideas: genetically engineering women to be as physically strong as men even if it compromises their femininity, and an affirmative action hiring process that requires more women than men hired into all professions deemed life-threaten….

….alright, I can’t even finish that one. It’s so hard to care about this stuff! Complaint number two was actually pretty valid though.

Hello, Blogosphere. It’s me, Dusty. Are you there?

My co-starring penemy* just hit me up on the Facebook to tell me how grievously we’ve failed in our efforts to make the public give us attention.  I haven’t posted here on Writing Bareback since the second quarter**.  A mistake I now correct.

[*a phrase I’ve coined for an in-blog frienemy. In this case, Tommy Cooksey]
[**we run this blog like a failing business, where quarterly regression is tracked]

Put the failures of Q3 behind you, cause I’m back like the clap. Where have I been you ask? Oh you didn’t? Well let me tell you anyway.  My fingers tapped their way onto the pages of another site, and it’s nice over there. It’s safe.  PolicyMic has editors that guard me from making some overly self-indulgent creative mistakes.  If you’re one of the people that hasn’t picked up on the pun that is this site’s name, let me make it blunt.  The other site could just as easily be called Writing With A Condom On.  So that’s where I’ve been, and you can read any and all of those articles here.  But now I’m back like Jordan in 2001.

I’m back like Arnold in The Last Stand. And while the only man to dominate the physical, cultural and political worlds enjoys the lowlights of his twilight, I’ll be here to highlight the lowlights of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 (or whatever it’s called).

I’m back like the conservative movement in 2016, ready to forget about how crappy the election was 4 years ago.

I’m back like the dishwasher technology of 1985, showing up for 27 straight years with nothing new to make your life better.

I’m back like Jay Leno, leaving you really lukewarm about the fact that I ever left to begin with.

I’m back like Garfield in your Sunday paper, making you go, “Meh” with an inexplicable “why did I waste my time” bemusement.

I’m back.   And if you aren’t excited for that, then you’re probably a human being.  It’s good to see you again.