After 16 years in the league, Kobe Bryant has decided to keep a diary to document “the year he caught Jordan”. While Kobe refuses to remove the diary from a pedestal in his trophy room, he has allowed Writing Bareback the exclusive rights to post these excerpts.
November 1st – Off Day
I woke up to a text message from Ron Artest that was sent to me a 4:13am. It said, “Kobe my bad with those armpit fart noises I know thats not cool but I just wanted to fit in – MWP” I respond with, “It’s cool – Mamba”. I know Ron’s pretty drunk when he doesn’t have any typos. If he’d included proper punctuation, I would have known he was blacked out and could’ve ignored it altogether.
If there’s one thing I hate, it’s mediocrity. If there’s two things I hate, it’s mediocrity and parasites, and I’m not talking about the kind that end up in your bloodstream and rob you of nutrients your body needs to be the best at your craft, although now that I’m thinking about it, I guess that’s the third thing I would hate. There’s probably not a more parasitic profession than that of online journalism. It earns success by piggy-backing on the feats of great men like myself. Journalists know nothing about basketball. They know even less about the hours of dedication it takes to forge body, mind and spirit into a ruthless avatar of victory capable of winning seven NBA championships. That’s why it doesn’t surprise me that Shaq went into journalism when he retired. But dealing with the press is inevitable for the greatest player of all time, so I answered their questions with the grace and humility that ensures Kobe System shoes keep selling. Then I went and enjoyed my off day, a realxing 12 hours that consisted of 643 right elbow jumpers, 357 left elbow jumpers, 500 3-pointers from above the free-throw line extended (corner 3’s are for role players that can’t create their own shot), 4 hours of game film pre-edited to efficiently highlight the weaknesses of the players guarding me in the upcoming games, and individual Skype calls with every one of my endorsers. No needs or news. Some of my endorsers are still confused about who’s endorsing who, but I don’t let those details bother me.
I can only hope that Dwight spent his off day doing lane slides, shadow drills, and helpside rotations. We got the Clips tomorrow night. That first win’s going to feel great.