I don’t know crap about politics. I have very strong feelings about the roles of morality and religion in society, and I think I would be capable of applying those feelings to theories on nation building, but I don’t know crap about politics. After writing a chapter in my (shameless plug) book, Cheeto Dust…and other blood on millennial hands, I know that I don’t know crap about politics. Still, I know a few things. Let me list them.
- Donald Trump is the President of the United States of America.
- Donald Trump is a man.
- Donald Trump is wildly unpopular with almost everyone I know.
- Fox News mostly defends Donald Trump, so he must be what we call “conservative.”
- Donald Trump should get a sex change.
What’s more liberal than gender identification? The strict definition of liberal is this: open to new behavior or opinions and willing to discard traditional values. When I was a kid, I thought having a penis meant you were a boy, and having a vagina meant you were a girl. Now, who am I to have an opinion about anything? Living in the great state of North Carolina, I’ve seen the emotive power of a “men’s” restroom. It’s a room that shames us for our small mindedness and exclusionary nature. “Man” is just another word for hate. That’s a reason why Donald Trump would work better as Donna Trump.
When I get the rare chance to air my political opinions, I say the following: Donald Trump is the first President to make me care about politics. I say it with the confidence of truth and of fact. In the past, it didn’t matter if it was philandering Bill or war-propped George, I always believed that our Presidents cared about America in their way. That was enough for me. The country, while impossibly hard to run, was still being run by men who cared about running it. But Donald, a man with a ridiculous first name, doesn’t care about the country. He cares about winning. That’s why Donald Trump should get a sex change. And while Donald Trump is practically senile, Donna Trump is someone else entirely.
That’s the result you get when, well, you’re not an idiot. You can see what I’ve done here. In the 30 For 30 Podcasts episode, “The Trials of Dan and Dave,” Caitlyn Jenner requested that she be referred to as “Bruce” for her time as an Olympian decathlete. She’s not the same person anymore, and you damn well better respect her choice. This is the blueprint for Donald’s salvation, or rather, Donna’s salvation. I mean, he’s already an SNL skit, so let’s just be absurdist and let her live.
Will it be cheap? Will it be something that both conservatives and liberals hate? Will Donna declare that she can use whatever bathroom she likes because she uses only the best bathrooms? The answer is a delightfully infuriating yes. The best part is that we don’t really give a crap about the legal aspect of a sex change.
If Donald can find a doctor that agrees he’s Donna on the inside, then we have a brand new female-with-a-penis President. Conservatives will be outraged. Liberals will say it’s a choice and a fact, and they will be outraged too. Nobody likes it, but we all have to accept it. It’s legal. It’s America. It’s our first female President. And who wants to be seen not supporting a female president? Take that, glass ceilings!
Only Donald could do it. He doesn’t care about us, so he can give us everything we want.