Girls say stuff that guys don’t understand. It happens all the time. We put a list together of ten things girls say and had two PolicyMic pundits explain what they as men hear and how they’d respond in these situations. First, meet your pundits:
Dusty: I’m hairy. My sweat tastes like the protein-laden juices that puddle in the bottom of a thawed bag of chicken breasts. And my brain is powered by equal parts of capitalist logic and primal instinct. Nature didn’t equip me to handle 98% of the audibalized emotions that women call talking. But I do have a patented “AAA” system to interact with man’s spawning partners. Absorb. Analyze. Answer. So to all of Fraternity Y, you’re welcome.
Tommy: I’m not hairy; unless you count the well grown 3-day shadow worn on my mug. Unlike my esteemed blogging partner, I like to think my approach to the fairer (and much more confusing) sex is a bit less Ron Swanson and little more calculated like Jacob Palmer. Does that mean I actually I understand girl talk any better than Dusty? Probably not.
1. I’m actually really happy being single right now.
Dusty: Being happy to be single is like being happy to be dieting. You’re only enjoying it because it’s better than repetitively making terrible judgement calls. The girl saying this is a liar, which is destructive social behavior and probably contributed to her being single. Answer: “When you’re dating some skinny guy in a fedora three weeks from now, I want you to apologize to me for being a liar.”
Tommy: “Yeah me too. Seems like we have a lot in common. Let’s get a drink and celebrate our singleness.”
2. OMG her body is so perfect. Look at it. Don’t you think so?
Dusty: You definitely look. you should probably raise your eyebrows with a expression that says, “I’m impressed but not blown away.” This has not only allowed you to see a hot lady, but also extended your absorb/analysis time to realize the approval-seeking motivations of the girl speaker. Give her nothing. Answer: “Meh, just like in golf, perfection is unattainable.”
Tommy: Agreed. You have to look. I said look, not stare from top to bottom and back to the top. Next to a gawking stare, the worst thing you can say here is “No. I don’t think so.” Why? Because then she’s going to argue her point and question how could you possibly NOT think so?! Answer: “Yeah, he must work out.”
3. It’s only a piece of cake. Today’s my cheat day.
Dusty: Say nothing. Any girl who has to say this before eating the cake is already insecure. The stony silence will only exacerbate the insecurity and she’ll know she’s making a wrong decision without you having to say word. Answer: Inaudible judgment
Tommy: Hey at least she’s drinking a DIET COKE with the cake, right? Answer: “Yeah, everyone loves some cake here and there. Can I have a bite?
4. Why do I always date assholes?
Dusty: She has terrible judgment. Duh. But this is a lesson best learned in steps. Answer: “Maybe you just need to some time to enjoy being single?”
Tommy: DO NOT ask about ex’s. DO NOT claim to be a nice guy. Unless you want to be a friend-zoned. She knows why she dates them. Answer: “Yeah, there’s a lot of them out there. I think when you stumble across one that doesn’t suck, you’ll know it.”
5. Tequila DEFINITELY makes my clothes come off!
Dusty: She’s saying this for a reason. If you’re the only set of ears, it’s obvious. She totally wants you. You’re not dense. Take a hint, but don’t be too obvious about it. If she wanted obvious she’d have told you to meet her in the bathroom. Try this subtle Answer: “I’m getting hungry. Have you had the fajitas at Fiesta Mexicana? No? It’s a date then.”
Tommy: Dusty nailed this one.
6. Was I like super annoying last night?
Dusty: If you say yes, you’re honesty is in tact. If you say no, then she’ll undoubtedly want to talk about it and that would be, well, annoying. Heroism is making sacrifices for the greater good. Answer: “No. Not at all.”
Tommy: This is a test. She’s probably embarrassed because she (and you) knows she showed her ass (literally or figuratively or both) and she needs to know you can be her rock when she gets a little loose. Answer: “You were a little more open than usual last night, but we had a great time!”
7. If I got really fat, would you still love me?
Dusty: You would not. Answer: “I wouldn’t care about you getting fat for any physical reason, but the girl I love has too much discipline and too strong of a spirit to let that happen. If you get fat, you wouldn’t be the same person.”
Tommy: She wants to indirectly hear you say “Love is on the inside and that’s all that matters.” I actually have no soft way of answering such a ridiculous question. Answer: “If I never shaved again and stopped showering would you love me?”
8. We’re having a girls’ night Friday.
Dusty: They’re going to get too drunk and make bad decisions. You might accidentally run into them while they’re out. Answer: “It’s nice to put the drama aside and just hang with your friends sometimes. What are you girls doing?”
Tommy: Again, a test. She’s making sure you aren’t a stage 4 clinger who has nothing to do if she wants to spend a night with her girls. Answer: “Perfect, I was talking to Dusty today about doing (insert something that sounds better than a girls’ night here). Friday would be perfect for that.”
9. Should I get my hair cut?
Dusty: You probably don’t care, but if she cuts it, you’ll have to constantly be asked about how it looks. Maybe she’ll be cool though? Best not to risk it. Answer: “No, you should not.”
Tommy: You’re a guy. There are about 5 acceptable ways to get your haircut. Unless a girl goes all Natalie Portman and hacks all her hair off, you’re likely not going to notice what 3 hours and $150 actually bought. She just wants your feedback and has already decided that she’s planning on getting a haircut regardless. Answer: “I think it looks great, but if you think you need a change up, I support it.”
10. I feel like we never talk anymore.
Dusty: This is the most important rule. Never ask “Why?” It shows curiosity and care, which are euphimisms for ignorance and weakness. Instead, take note of the contrarian diction in her statement and point it out with blistering sarcasm. Answer: “If we have this conversation, are you going to count it?”
Tommy: She’s implying that she’d like to talk now. If you’ve intentionally not been talking to her, its best to say “I’ve been so busy with work and the gym, I feel like I don’t have any spare time!” If you’d like to re-kindle things… Answer: “It has been a while hasn’t it? I’ve been so consumed by my career, working out and enjoying single life I’ve let some folks slip through the cracks. I’m free Thursday. Why don’t we grab a drink and talk some more.”