Part 3 – POWER RANKINGS: How good would your quarterback be at picking up girls if he weren’t an NFL QB?

If NFL QBs were stripped of their professional title and say given a mid-level position like “I work in finance” or “I’m a sales account manager at a Top 50 tech company” how would they fair with the ladies. For full ground rules and the rankings of the bottom third of these rankings, visit Part 1.

Hey gang, Dusty here. Looks like we made it. Look how far we’ve come. We might have took the long way, but we knew we’d get here someday. Shania Twain was right about a lot of things. Maybe she was singing about the success of a time tested relationship, and maybe she was singing about two bloggers banging out a controversial POWER RANKING of every NFL quarterbacks’ inherent gamesmanship outside of the pocket. Who can say?

Some people have taken the POWER RANKINGS pretty poorly, citing grievances like Andrew Luck coming in ahead of Kirk Cousins. What do you want me to say? I didn’t write the rules [sic], and even if I did, those rules are an analytical distillation of the subjective collaboration of two white guys born two weeks apart and living very similar lives in the same city. That’s accountability! Who better to balance Tommy’s opinion than someone who knows where he’s coming from? We ranked these guys without talking in the judgment categories, combined our scores, and we left it alone. From there, The Ideal POWER RANKINGS Law took over. Maybe it’s a little off.

Do I look at the picture of a certain lantern-jawed Miamian and think he got hosed at number 12? Sure. I’m human. But doesn’t “lifetime achievement” consideration bleed into the confidence and personality rating of Peyton Manning? The committee here at Writing Bareback thought so. And I stand by them.

As for Blake Bortles, screw that guy. Let’s look at the top ten, and maybe then we’ll all be happy.

10. Tyrod Taylor, Bills – A lack of pride and a lot of persistence go a long ways in pickup success, and he’s got #TyrodTailored going for his fashion. But he’s basically a poor man’s Cam Newton. Taylor’s best strategy would be to follow Cam around at the bar and wait for a woman to be bitterly disappointed that Cam wasn’t interested in her. The he should introduce himself and cross his fingers that she thinks, “Eh, close enough.”

9. Alex Smith, Chiefs – Pleasantly surprised to see my boy crack the top 10! Gets an odd bump in looks for the Ryan Gosling comp. Looking like a celeb never hurts. Alex Smith is a guy who would have a girl completely engrossed in the best conversation of her life until Kaepernick interrupts to say “I’ll even wash your clothes in the morning” and shows the girl his abs. It’s too bad. I’m an Alex Smith fan.

8. Andy Dalton, Bengals – His hair stands out as one of my favorite fashion accessories in the group. He embraces the much maligned gingerness, and in doing so, shows every woman his self-assured nature. He’s got a lot of “Kevin MacArthur” from The League in him which is a pretty lovable comp for a guy who’d make a great Assistant District Attorney. Physically, might as well be cut from stone compared to division rival QB1s.

7. Tony Romo, Cowboys – (admitted blogger-bias) He’s tall, he’s in decent shape, he’s got big ears and goofy smile and lacking in the style department (still trying to bring back the paperboy cap). BUT! So much cool confidence and what a nice guy! The kind of guy that takes a homeless guy to the movies or pulls over in the rain to help an elderly couple change their tire. He’s so comfy in his own skin and the kinda guy you want to take home to mom, he’s definitely getting your number…and you heart.

6. Marcus Mariota, Titans – Great showing for the rookie! All the potential is there, but he’s still figuring it out. Marcus is the guy that walks into a bar, and every girl notices him. And then he starts talking, and he’s missing all the openings. It’s frustrating to watch. He looks like he’s hitting his stride with an amusing story about making coconut syrup on the Big Island, and right when she tells him he’s funny, Marcus leans in and says, “OOPS! I’M SORRY. I didn’t mean to spill that on you!”

5. Drew Brees, Saints – Ok, so he’s 6’ tall. But next to these other freak monstrosities, he looks like he’s 5’9” (NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!!). And he does have this large birthmark on his face. But man, the guy is in great shape. And when he talks, you listen. You just love everything he has to say. He’s got the charisma of Ryan Gosling in Crazy. Stupid. Love. When it’s time to go, he’s getting you with his closing line “hey, you want to get out of here?”

4. Aaron Rodgers, Packers – 5 letters baby, R-E-L-A-X. He’s got the ultimate NorCal chill vibe. Cool, calm, collected and confident. He’s not the best-looking nor the best dressed at the bar, but one look into those eyes and you’re sold. Heaven help you if its Movember and he’s unironically donning his finest Tom Sellick mustache.

3. Russell Wilson, Seahawks – He’s a shorty amongst giants but with a personality that will make you think he’s 10 feet tall. His obscure race makes him dreamy across the board. He’s got just enough swagger with a genuine personality that makes EVERY GIRL think they have a shot. Where does all this confidence come from? Just Google Russell Wilson Sports Illustrated cover.

[TIE] 1. Tom Brady, Patriots – The real reason non-Patriots fans hate Brady isn’t because of his Swimsuit Model wife or outrageous success. It’s because we all know, deep down, that if Tom Brady walked into our office as the new Junior Assistant to the Custodial Secretary on a Monday, he’d walk out as CEO on a Friday. That’s the kind of guy who’s not leaving the bar until he’s leaving with the best.

[TIE] 1. Cam Newton, Panthers – Tall, dark and handsome. Body carved from stone. As for style, he’s the best dressed guy at the bar, no question. This guy is OOZING with confidence and his “I’m too good for you” attitude will keep you on edge all night. Not to mention this guy is just a hell of a dancer. True story, when the bouncer’s complained about his dancing he simply replied “Don’t let me in then.” The only knock on Cam is he just seems a little too full of himself, like he’d go home with himself if he could. Like the kinda guy that gets a mani/pedi/facial weekly. Oh wait…

…………

Hey guys, Dusty here. (and Tommy on the edit wagon).

Part 2 – POWER RANKINGS: How good would your quarterback be at picking up girls if he weren’t an NFL QB?

If NFL QBs were stripped of their professional title and say given a mid-level position like “I work in finance” or “I’m a sales account manager at a Top 50 tech company” how would they fair with the ladies. For full ground rules and the rankings of the bottom third of these rankings, visit Part 1.

Crazy day of rankings from Part 1 yesterday, amirite? Who could have foreseen Smoking Jay Cutler falling all the way to 32nd? But hey, any given POWER RANKINGS, as they say. That’s why we write the blogs. Cause you never know. I do need to apologize, and this is all on me. Tommy had nothing to do with it. There was a glaring omission from our bottom 11. A friend of mine pointed it out.

Friend: You left out Brian Hoyer.
Me: Who?
Friend: C’mon, you know who he is. Brian Hoyer.
Me: Ryan Hoyer?
Friend: Buh-rian Hoyer…You know, forget it.

Then he sent me a screenshot with highlights for easy deduction.

So I went back and grabbed what I wrote about Hoyer 3 days before we posted. I kid you not, this is unedited.

Brian Hoyer, Texans – What’s there to care about here? IDK. Maybe a guy can build an aura of mystery around himself so great, that the woman actually pursues him because the only way to know this man is to actually know this man. That’s really Brian Hoyer’s best bet…And full disclosure, I don’t want to do research on a guy who I don’t believe will make next year’s power rankings. Prove me wrong, Hoyer!

My bad, guys…But when you’re dealing with the dregs of non-NFL QB lotharios, who gives a crap? We’ll bump Derek “Mascara Man” Carr up to 21 and that’s that. That post from yesterday was your grandpa’s POWER RANKINGS. Now we move on to the medium swinging dicks your POWER RANKINGS. I’m proud to present, #20-11.

20. Philip Rivers, Chargers – Almost certainly an insufferable weirdo with the energy of caffeinated Jack Russell Terrier, Philip Rivers looks like Buzz Lightyear, dresses like your dad, and walks into a bar like Gallagher at a fruit stand. YOU KNOW PHIL’S GONNA SMASH!…or propose to the first girl he speaks with. Either way, CONFIDENCE!

19. Blake Bortles, Jaguars – Want to hear a football joke? Blake Bortles! Fortunately, football has no place in this ranking. You get the feeling that every one of Ben Roethlisberger’s exes would be attracted to Blake Bortles just because he’s exactly like Ben Roethlisberger without the ten years of baggage. But, honey, that’s where you come in.

 

18. Carson Palmer, Cardinals – Is he a ginger? His beard is ginger-ish. Yeah he’s a ginger. If Andy Dalton (King of Gingers) is around Palmer’s not getting a second look. In fact, aside from being 6’5” he’s just kind of an average looking white guy. Well, he does have the fabled “butt-chin” which was all the rage in Disney cartoons. Does it work as well in real life?

 

17. Matt Ryan, Falcons – When you look at him, you just think Van Heusen or Kohls. An average looking white guy with above average height and physique. Being introduced as Matty Ice in college was a game changer, now it just makes you seem like a guy that’s still holding on to how cool he was in college. He doesn’t say a lot, and that mysterious confidence is absolutely his best bet.

16. Colin Kaepernick, 49ers – (disclaimer, no longer the starting QB) He just looks like a really jacked and tan elf. I mean I’m sure his bulging biceps that dwarf his XS Affliction t-shirt have some appeal in some circles…in 2007. The guy dresses like Justin Bieber and his voice will have you desperately searching for an Adam’s Apple. Is this bar on the North Pole? No? Ok, he’s gonna struggle.

15. Teddy Bridgewater, Vikings – Depending on the strength of his Jamaican accent, he could definitely convince you he’s Usain Bolt or the rich kid from Cool Running. Either way if nothing else would be an incredible ice breaker. “Ay mon, Ow much a pola bear weigh?” Let’s just be honest though aside from seeming like a really nice guy and fun name to say, he’s not bringing A LOT to the table. Besides, he went to school in Indiana so he’s probably not much for conversation.

14. Kirk Cousins, Washington Professional Football Team – Traditionally speaking, he’s a good looking dude – much like Ryan Tannehil down in South Beach. But Capt Kirk (which is how I’d imagine he introduces himself) doesn’t have what it takes to be the lead guy. He’s much better served as a wingman to someone like Tannehill. We can only hope that if he scores a number he really bros it out with “You like that?!?! YOU LIKE THAT!!!!”

13. Andrew Luck, Colts – Here’s your true litmus test on the superficiality of women. Nobody’s falling for the “Spanx for my face” chin beard he’s rocking. And the only time “lucky” is a negative adjective is in reference to Andrew’s wardrobe. BUT! I think any woman would be lucky to get him out of those unfortunate polos. He is a cool, confident, built dude who knows his way around a conversation. Hey, I’m a believer in Andrew Luck the non-QB1.

12. Ryan Tannehill, Dolphins – Talk about the Bud Light of the bar. Probably a best seller, but SOOOOOO boring. He’s a ubiquitous kind of desirable. Probably not a good sign when Google has only ever recorded you wearing your jersey, a suit, or an untailored khaki shirt. I get that a living Ken doll doesn’t need to try, but it would’ve helped his cause.

11. Peyton Manning, Broncos – Too old to be in the bar, but hasn’t admitted it yet. He used to be a legendary stickman, so it’s tough to watch him work at this point. Like seeing Fonzie elbow a jukebox and get crickets. Time for the next phase. I’ll bet Peyton would write the best Match.com profile.

 

There you have it. The second tier. Middle management in the structural hierarchy that is slingin’ winks and handing off drinks. They may not be as talented as our top ten, but as another famous middle manager, Michael Scott said, “‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.’ – Wayne Gretzky.” Here’s the POWER RANKINGS to date:

Are you with me Leather,
Dusty “Boomer of the Blog” Riedesel

POWER RANKINGS: How good would your quarterback be at picking up girls if he weren’t an NFL QB?

It’s a tale as old as time, errr as old as American Football; the Quarterback gets the girl. But then you think, does he get the girl JUST because he’s the quarterback? Is she interested in him solely based on his football position (be it high school, college or professional)? Then it leads to another thought; If NFL QBs were stripped of their professional title and say given a mid-level position like “I work in finance” or “I’m a sales account manager at a Top 50 tech company” how would they fair with the ladies? And of course, in true sports analogous fashion, how then would these now “average” men compare to each other whilst trying to seduce the fairer sex at your “average” bar/night club.

Ground Rules

First off, this about picking a girl up in a bar, meaning that the girl only has to commit to a next step, which can range from exchanging phone numbers to leaving the bar together for food, dancing, or even drinks at another bar. QB1 does not need to hit pay dirt to have “picked up” the bar girl. In terms Alex Smith could understand, this is more about completions than touchdowns.

Secondly, we’re ignoring current relationships and marriages because leaving out certain married quarterbacks would really let some air out of these power rankings. We’d really rather let fans of every quarterback have a fair chance of winning.

Third, as mentioned, the woman at the bar is assumed to have no prior knowledge of any of the QB1s. This is important when you consider alleged rapists like Big Ben and alleged QB2s like Colin Kaepernick. For argument’s sake, they’re professional contemporaries with their fellow patrons, just like most of us are. Besides, it’s a bar pickup. They could be anything. I wouldn’t put it past Jay Cutler to tell girls he’s a bodybuilder, and when they look at him suspiciously he just takes a drag from his cigarette and with complete apathy says, “Google me.”

Fourth, it’s a standard, run-of-the-mill bar. A few taps, poor wine selection, makeshift dining-turns-dancefloor situation, and a good racial diversity. No one has home field advantage here. It’s like the bar version of a London game.

Finally, the POWER RANKING criterion has been set to the five areas below, each a factor that can pick up a girl when used properly. Tommy and I have independently judged, then averaged each one on a scale of 1-10 (ie.  Sam Bradford I think his looks are a 6, and Tommy lambasted him with a 1, so his looks rating is a 3.5). The aggregate of the five categories is your ranking, making for a highest possible score of 50:

1. Looks – Basically it’s the shape and look of everything on your head. Not the strongest category for Eli.
2. Physique – Height, build, conditioning. I like to refer to this as “The Brady Quinn Memorial” category.
3. Fashion – This can offset a strong physique rating. Also, we’re looking at modern day attire. Peyton Manning is 39 years old. We can’t judge him for what he was wearing when Willenium dropped.
4. Perceived personality – You could also call this the “brand management” category. When picking up a girl at a bar, you’re trying to present some “best” version of yourself because you know you’re being judged in a pressurized situation. It’s a lot like getting interviewed on national TV about your professional performance. Cam Newton is brash. Tyrod Taylor couldn’t swing brash, so he’s a persistent worker. Brian Hoyer’s brand is, “Brian Hoyer…C’mon, you’ve heard of me. I’m Brian Hoyer…No, Buh-rian, with a ‘B’…You know, forget it.”
5. Confidence – The ultimate trump card. The “there’s something about this guy that I won’t regret finding out” swagger. Aaron Rodgers has it. Kirk Cousins is trying like hell to have it, and Joe Flacco doesn’t give 120.6 million craps whether he has it or not.

Tommy will be breaking down our NFC quaterbacks, and Dusty “Yours Truly” Riedesel will tackle the AFC. I haven’t discussed it with Tommy, but I’d like the trophy of this thing to be named after Joe Namath.

Game never stopped with that guy…onto the rankings!

32. Jay Cutler, Bears – He’s got the goods. Tall, fit, great head of hair. But Jay Cutler thinks Jay Cutler has confidence in Jay Cutler, while everyone else just sees a guy that peaked in college. False bravado doesn’t bode well in a crowded bar environment. His best play is to hang out in the smoker-section, bumming cigarettes, sipping his vodka redbulls and picking up on the ladies who are still trying to party like they did in college…or maybe they still are in college.

31. Nick Foles, Rams– “Hey you look like Napoleon Dynamite!” “Hey you look like Donald Trump’s son!” “Hey you look like Mitt Romney’s son!” None of these are compliments. EAT YOUR FOOD TINA!

 

30. Eli Manning, Giants – At first look he’s certainly not getting a second look from the ladies. Not to mention if he’s at the bar with his much more charismatic, slightly better looking, taller older brother. But its just something about this doofy-looking, moderately confident guy. He’ll definitely throw out some hail mary’s around 1:45AM and walk away with some surprising phone numbers…or more.

29. Sam Bradford, Eagles – Really no redeeming qualities here. Not a good looking guy. Not in the greatest shape. Probably wearing matching sweats to the bar. Really not sure why he gets paid so much money to be so average at his job. In the words of Parks and Rec character Mona-Lisa Saperstein, “HARD PASS.”

28. Joe Flacco, Ravens – Now here’s a guy, who is just a guy, you know? Is he a fun guy? A smart guy? A cool guy? Maybe he’s a crazy guy. Nope. He’s just a guy. You might think to yourself, well, maybe he want so be some kind of guy. You can think that, but you’d be wrong. He doesn’t think about anything. He is just a guy.

 

27. Matthew Stafford, Lions – Rule #1 of beard growth: if you can’t round out the beard with the connecting mustache, then you have a chin strap. Chin straps are the cheapest form of birth control that money can’t buy. Combine that with over-confidence and you have a bro who’s definitely CRUSHING Bud heavies at the shuffleboard and getting put in an Uber by his fraternity brothers.

26. Ryan Fitzpatrick, Jets – He went to Harvard. But without NFL media reminding you of that every time he plays, we don’t know if he’d be the cool “I had no idea you went to Harvard” type like Tommy Lee Jones. Or the “What’s for lunch today?…Sandwiches? I used to eat sandwiches at Harvard at least once a week” type. Probably the first kind. But his beard is about 3 centuries out of style, and he’s truly afraid of shirt collars.

25. Ben Roethlisberger, Steelers – ROLL OUT THE BARREL!!! HEYO! I’ll bet it’s a great time to go mucking around the bars with Big Ben. It’s a great time until that 27^th beer and he starts talking about how Bill Cosby’s career is now under appreciated…He’s tall. No taking that away from him, but going the “Body by InBev” route is probably a mistake.

24. Jameis Winston, Bucs – Neck up, not a bad looking dude. He rocks a sweet 90’s fade that just works. Neck down, the definition of skinny-fat. Sure he’s tall, but those baggy sweats aren’t fooling anyone. Confident but not the best speaker. If you’re a sucker for snow crab legs, he’s your guy. FHRITP.

23. Johnny Manziel, Browns – Is it okay to talk about Johnny and bars? Feels dicey….He looks like Harry Potter got on some PEDs and he acts like he’s part of the WWE (not a bad 2^nd career plan for Mr. Football). He’s pretty low here in the Pickup Power Rankings, but I hope he doesn’t get shut down because, well, let’s just make sure the bouncer’s staying warm.

22. Derek Carr, Raiders – I only have one problem with Ol’ Raccoon Eyes, and it’s not the constant guyliner he was born with. It’s that he insists on doing that single-length buzzcut and then lets it grow out to the tennis ball stage for weeks at a time. His only shot in the bar is if it’s right across the street from his Great Clips appointment.

#21-#11 coming on Wednesday…SPOILER ALERT: Blake Bortles is there, so maybe just wait until we get to the top ten after Thanksgiving.

My great grandpa invented Saran wrap,
Dusty “Unemployed” Riedesel

 

Becoming a Minnesota Timberwolves Fan: Tips on Properly Bandwagonning

Kansas Jayhawks basketball is one of maybe five things I truly love (possibly four if every retail video rental store is truly gone). Every year, on the first weekend of the NCAA March Madness tournament, my college buddies and I meet in Asheville, North Carolina to play golf in the morning and watch the tourney from lunch to lights out. These reunions take a pretty routine course each year. Jubilant greetings flow naturally into good natured ribbing around stories we’ve told dozens of times. I should mention that most of these guys—myself not included—are hardcore Kentucky Wildcat fans, so usually sometime around dinner, we start fighting about the indefinable morality of how John Calipari  runs a college basketball program. I usually start out sensibly, comparing him to Dr. Doom, Stalin and Hitler, because even though Cal is pure evil, there’s no denying he’s been successful. But at some point after the brilliant analogies, objectivity is lost and our individual fanhood warps us all into completely biased propaganda Gatling guns shooting for each other’s heads. The arguments get personal and put a very real wedge of negativity between our friendships for the remainder of the trip.

It’s my favorite weekend of every year.

Still, my friends and I are hitting our thirties now. It’s time to let go of petty allegiances. I recognize that a Jayhawks fan can be a better human being while still respecting that a Wildcats fan is a kind of human being in their own right. It’s time to reach across the aisle at the next level and bond on common ground. That next level is the NBA, that common ground is the Minnesota Timberwolves. That’s where me and my buddies are going to grow up in a more respectable fashion over the next decade. Back-to-back first rounders Karl Towns of UK and Andrew Wiggins of KU are exactly what we need. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship that aligns our friendships with our fanships. The only real problem here is a classic one. How do you make the successful trip into a fan base without everyone saying you arrived via dreaded transport, the bandwagon?  Here’s some guidelines.

1. The first rule of bandwaggoning is to not talk about bandwaggoning. – No one was actually a T-Wolves fan prior to 2014. I don’t mean no one in my friend group, I mean no one in America. Until last year, the only traffic on Canis Hoopus was Ricky Rubio’s (probably charming) family. So when current T-Wolves fans talk to each other, we all know that the other person is lying to us about their decades of loyalty, but it’s very important to not acknowledge their lie or they’ll call you out as a bandwagon fibber too. It’s a lot like talking about your sexual conquests when you’re a freshman in high school. Third base? You mean my steady Tuesday night?

2. Have a relevant take on the “bigger than the sport” event surrounding the team. – You know when your significant other gives you a benign task like watering a $3 plant or paying attention to your children? And you let that responsibility slide for, like, maybe a few minutes or days, and suddenly a thirsty flower is a huge indictment about how you’ve given up and don’t love her anymore? The “bigger than the sport” topic is like that. True love goes the extra mile. Each team has something like this. Deflategate and Donald Sterling’s racist comments are some easy ones to recall. If you’re a fan of the Patriots or Clippers, you have to have a take on those topics. For Wolves fans in 2015, you need a relevant opinion on Flip Saunders, which honestly is one of the easiest “bigger than the sport” opinions to have. Guy was a Golden Gopher, coached through the Kevin Garnett years, drafted Karl Towns, and he made that deal for Wiggins. He’s directly tied to almost 90% of the moments that made Wolves’ fans smile. RIP Flip. Were there some horribly laughable moments of executive buffoonery in there too? Shut your mouth, you monster. Flip’s a hero.

3. Know the whole roster. – This seems like a no brainer, but it’s really about capitalizing on the market inefficiencies in Wolves convos. Lots of people will be able to say they knew Towns was special while he was at UK, but far fewer will be talking about how excited they were for Nemanja Bjelica’s stretch-four potential when he looked like “shit-you-not the next Dirk Nowitzki” in FIBA Eurobasket this past summer.

4. Buy some gear. – Sure, you’re pressing a little bit. It’s like buying her jewelry on a third date. Do you really want to make a financial commitment this early in the relationship? But we’re not talking season tickets here. We’re talking about a tasteful level of commitment that says, “I’m serious enough that you don’t need to feel bad about moving things along a little faster than normal because I’m going to be around months from now, even if you go a little crazy and end up missing the playoffs.” You know, something like an Andrew Wiggins t-shirt jersey, just because you were watching his highlights of that that 33-point outburst against the Hawks all day long and wanted to do something nice for him.

5. Finally, repeat after me, “I’ve always liked the Timberwolves.” – The ultimate bandwagon defense. You’ve been on this corner for years. It started when you were six years old and just thought wolves were cool. Worst day of your life was that move in middle school where you lost your Starter jacket. But you owned it. You were mistakenly excited for the Christian Laettner era and happily surprised when it transformed into the Kevin Garnett era. You don’t care what Steph Curry is doing, because the best shooter you’ve ever seen is Wally Szczerbiak, and hell yes you can spell his name without Google ( It starts with four completely insane consonants and is an indomitable trump card, btw. It gives you historical props and infers that your opponent is an illiterate chump).

For good measure, you’ll probably want to keep Tony Campbell and the Metrodome in your back pocket. People respect that year one crap. Here’s to my favorite team. Let’s have a great season!

Pouring one out for Malik Sealy,
Dusty “The Little Ticket” Riedesel

What Magic Johnson Can Teach You About Relationships and Success

Audiobooks are hot fire. Even better than podcasts. They’re, like, every flame emoji a tweet can hold.

I just finished When The Game Was Ours by Magic and Larry. There will never be a better personification of humanity—the thin and nuanced line of contrast and commonality we all straddle with our individualism in a shared experience called life—in sports than those two ballers. I love calling them ballers. Especially Bird. Such a magnificent goofball. Dude is just a testament to single-minded ruggedness, like if plowing a field for 12 hours a day for a decade could put a triple double in your box score. And Magic, sheeeeeeat. Pretty sure he just smiled at HIV and it was like, “ok, maybe I won’t become full-blown AIDS.” That’s a joke, obviously, but there was one particular story Magic told in that book that’s worth sharing. We’ll get to it.

The book I listened to before When The Game Was Ours was called Take The Stairs by Rory Vaden. The gist of the book is that you have to work to be successful, which is just a golden nugget of an idea. Rory whittles it down to discipline and grind. “You don’t own success, you rent it. And the rent is due every day.” Taking this principle, Rory establishes the focus areas as five categories: Family, Finance, Faculty (work), Fitness, and Fun. I found this interesting because I’d always broken my life down to the less alliteratively pleasing categories of relational, financial, physical, professional and spiritual. I was close enough. When you drill into each area, you realize that they’re all conjoined. The qualities to be physically fit—discipline and routine—are the same qualities that make you financially fit. And just like those who give the most relationally have the most friends, people who give their money tend to find more financial opportunities. Maybe’s it karma. Maybe it’s fairy dust. Maybe you can see anything through rose colored glasses. I don’t know why it happens. But I do know that you should choose to put those glasses on and start seeing the world that way.

Here’s the Magic story as I remember listening to it.

Magic was in his first season with the Los Angeles Lakers, just a kid. He’d just wrapped up practice, and he sees his more reclusive, hall-of-fame teammate Kareem Abdul-Jabbar get approached by a man and a boy.

“Kareem,” the man said. “My son and I are big fans. Would you mind taking a picture with us?”

Kareem dismissed them and walked on. Magic could tell that the boy was crushed and the father was embarrassed. So Magic put on a big grin and approached the father.

“If you don’t mind, you can take a picture with me,” Magic said. “Who knows, maybe I’ll be in the Hall of Fame one day.”

The father thanked Magic and posed for the picture with his son and the 21-year-old Laker.

Over 20 years later, Magic was indeed in the Hall of Fame. But he’d also become a businessman owning chains of coffee shops, movie theaters and other entrepreneurial efforts. To support one such endeavor, Magic had set up meetings with several businesses to secure investments. He was in the middle of his pitch with the CEO of one of these businesses, and the CEO interrupted him.

“You know, you and I have met before,” the CEO said.

“Really?” Magic replied.

“Yes we have. I don’t expect you to remember, but you took a picture with me and my son when you were a rookie, after Kareem turned us down. I always appreciated that you did that.

“Of course I remember,” Magic said. “How is your son?”

He’s doing very well. He has a great job with a good law firm. In fact, my son still has that picture. It hangs on his office wall.”

Magic left that office with a multi-million dollar deal.

Putting on the glasses,
Dusty “rose-colored” Riedesel

Kansas City Royals in the ALCS: Faith Versus Science

The Kansas City Royals have made the ALCS, and this makes virtually no sense, other than the undeniable fact that it has happened. We all watched how, so we should know, and yet it isn’t really explainable beyond the old clichés of “they got hot at the right time” or “the game is really all about matchups.” Spend some time on Baseball Reference, and you’ll see that the Royals have abandoned commonly accepted plans for success like “on-base percentage.” Statheads will tell you that KC doesn’t belong in the playoffs (they’re the first playoff team ever to rank last in walks and home runs), and they don’t deserve to advance. But they have advanced. And the meritocracy of sports deems that they’ve earned it. Math can tell you other teams are better or that these wins are convenient statistical aberrations. It doesn’t matter, and anyone who says otherwise is only sparking a debate as old as time. It’s science versus faith.

The deluge of data in modern times creates a thirst for explanation. The more we know, the more we believe we can know how. Millennia of scientific advancement, from the wheel to the iPhone, back that theory. But at the end of every scientific advancement is the less recognized failure of not advancing it further. After all, that iPhone wasn’t always number 6. The point is that our methods, however developed, always carry evidence of being underdeveloped. Because we’re always progressing, we’re permanently incomplete. This is the essence of science versus faith. What is the more we can never reach? An atom is built from protons is built from quarks is built from subatomic unicorns the urinate massless photons. We never reach the end of the rainbow, but logic tells us that something has to be there.

The problem with the faith versus science debate is that most parties are ready to vehemently defend their side, even though both sides openly admit their shortcomings. Faith, in any regard, is defined as complete trust in something, whether proof exists or not. And we experience what science doesn’t know with every time we sleep. Why we feel compelled to fight each other about what believe instead of bonding together over the desire to know more is a shame. It probably springs from our need for personal security, but it’s how it is. We don’t know so much, and it should be completely okay. There’s nothing wrong with not knowing. In fact, it’s very healthy to embrace the fact that you don’t know stuff. That unexplained sleep will come much easier.

A fast, defense-oriented baseball team with a lights-out bullpen isn’t some realized referendum on the existence of the great beyond, and yet they exist as a tiny little nod to the fringes of magic that seems to happen in sports all the time. When a moment is so narratively perfect that it feels as if we’ve all collectively willed it to exist. Even though it’s logically absurd, we all feel it. We did give it a very pointed shot this year with USA Soccer. Science’s analytics tells us that the Royals shouldn’t be able to keep up these wins. They shouldn’t be able to pull this off for an entire post-season. But faith tells us that they are completely capable. It can definitely happen. We can all feel it, and nobody can disprove it. Not yet anyway.

A man of faith and science,
DR

Kobe Bryant’s Diary: The Cross That Greatness Bears

For years, Kobe Bryant has decided to keep a diary to document “the year he caught Jordan”.  While Kobe refuses to remove the diary from a pedestal in his trophy room, he has allowed Writing Bareback the exclusive rights to post these excerpts.

April 18 – Los Angeles

You never like to find yourself in the gossip rags. Maybe that was a thing you were into when you took Brandy to prom, or when you started dating your future wife while she was still a 17-year-old high school student, or when you loved her too much for a prenuptial agreement. And maybe the rags will make some overblown statements about “alleged rape” and “an oversized ego sabotaging a dynastic duo” or accuse you of completely undiagnosed libel like “chronic infidelity.” And of course the rags feast on the rigors of evolving love when that lack of a prenup would later force you to temporarily divert your once-in-a-generation focus from basketball—the only thing that matters in life—to buying a marital redemption ring that costs more than the collective net worth of the “team” bench unit. Gossip rags notice little stuff like that sometimes and you just have to deal with it because you can’t have nuclear power without some fallout. While I’d never be so arrogant as calling myself a Christ-like figure, negative attention is simply my cross to bear.

That said, you’d like to think it’s even beneath a cheap lie-monger like Radar Online to publish a single quote from Donald Sterling. I hate to even proliferate their garbage here, but sometimes you have to step into the darkness to appreciate the light.

“Kobe Bryant was fined $100,000 but not suspended for referring to a referee as a ‘f*cking f***ot’ on television,” Sterling said in his first example of his speech-related offenses. – Radar Online

Small-minded indeed. There’s a difference between being a young, historically legendary competitor who slipped one single time during the heat of competition with an insult from his youth that has long been abolished his vocabulary along with millions of dollars he donated to charitable organizations as a show of true contrition and change, and being a decrepit, old bastard who has literal decades of racial hate and homophobic bigotry on the books.

Plus, last time I checked, nobody bought season tickets to watch an owner sit in his chair. That’s a harsh reality we’re forced to face when we evaluate two very dissimilar situations, but when dealing with topics as sensitive and subjective as moral truth and proper penance, you have to take a 360-degree view. And three or four or five rings goes along ways in determining someone’s societal worth. So just like a great winner has to deal with the scrutiny of the masses, the masses have to be forgiving of a single, verbal, insensitive hiccup from a great winner. It’s compromise and forgiveness like that that really makes you greatful to be a part of this world.

Anyway, I just needed to exorcise that very heavy topic here in my private journal. You never want to head to your 4 a.m. gym session with that weight on your soul. That 700^th elbow jumper is heavy enough when you think about age, your “teammates” abilities, and Jordan-esque expectations of a sixth ring in a truly competitive conference. You don’t need some spectre of public criticism ebbing it’s way outside of the neat categorical hurt locker you’ve created for it in your mind.

Sometimes I think of Tim Duncan. He’s probably the only one who understands that kind of thing. We’ve always been so similar.

Wayne Selden Returning to KU. My Heart is Beating Again

Every now and then, people love something fiercely and it lets them down. For me, this crushing bolder of despair is called the NCAA tournament. I root like hell for the Kansas Jayhawks, and with rare exception, the season ends in failure. It happened again this year, and ever since the loss to Stanford on Sunday, I’ve been refreshing the CNNSI Jayhawks teams page for a thread of hope, a sliver of light to give me hope in my sports fan-cave of woe. And now I have it. From The Washington Times:

Kansas guard Wayne Selden announced Tuesday that he return for his sophomore season.

The 6-foot-5 Selden averaged nearly 10 points for the Jayhawks, whose season ended with a 60-57 loss to Stanford on Sunday in the third round of the NCAA tournament.

Selden was considered a first-round talent coming out of high school, but an up-and-down campaign may have caused his stock to drop. Most draft projections had him going late in the first round or at some point in the second round.

I’m a big fan of Wayne. I’ve said so before. And this is all I needed. It’s going to be okay. We’re all going to be okay. Hope springs eternal.

We’ll get ’em next year,
Dusty “The Realist” Riedesel

A Gameday Portrait – Kansas Coach Bill Self: What are we not seeing?

The most fascinating aspect of a serial killer is their familiarity. Assumedly, they wake up, they pick an outfit for the day, they eat meals, and they probably have a hobby, like reading Garth Ennis comic books or perfecting their homemade salsa recipe. People who argue that serial killing is the most fascinating aspect of a serial killer are either ignoring the narcissistic nature of man or underrate the importance of familiarity in earning attention, probably both. Green ketchup wasn’t interesting because it was green, but rather because it was ketchup, America’s 3^rd favorite condiment (behind Mayo, and—cue twilight zone music—salsa). Ketchup isn’t supposed to be green. Ketchup is red. If Heinz had produced green jeotgal, no one notices. No one cares.

Society’s aggregated comfort with expectations often hides the differences that make people extraordinary. With a suit, a debatably fake haircut and a paunch that could belong to your grandpa’s neighbor from Okmulgee, society could not be more comfortable with Bill Self. He’s totally the kind of guy that you could find yourself sitting next to at an Applebee’s bar discussing which Riblet’s sauce is the best. What he totally isn’t is the kind of guy that would point out the difference between Applebee’s Riblets and real riblets because he’s not a weirdo. He’s so ordinary. See the stammering interviews, hear the plugs for the Salty Iguana and speak about his conceivable opinions on Riblets. Given his situation, isn’t this how an ordinary person is expected to be?

But then there’s this. He’s a total weirdo. His normalcies somehow obscure the obvious fact that no one else is in his same situation. No one else is the highest paid state employee in Kansas. No one else is going to win a 10^th straight conference title. No one else landed the most hyped high school prospect of the last 10 years. This is the most frustrating thing about Bill Self. He must be extraordinary, but try to hash out the reason and it will inevitably become a recitation of “The Nine Things Successful People Do,” an article written by smart people to help normal people be better than average people. That’s not a recipe for creating an extraordinary person, it’s a diagnosis of a their symptoms. And despite the cliché, every division I basketball coach is giving that “little extra”, so there must be something else to Bill Self. He’s not a normal coach, so what’s abnormal about him? Frustrating.

A wolf in sheep’s clothing. A fox in the hen house. A serial killer living amongst us is a common (and fun) trope of television. The juxtaposition of being completely normal and completely different pleases our narrative palette like the best salty sweets. Comparing Bill Self to a serial killer will only make a tiny bit of sense if his career takes a Bob Knight-like turn into maniacal competitiveness. There’s an infuriated smirk Self puts on his face when his team is playing at its worst that suggests it’s possible, but the analogy is extreme and grotesque and ignores number 7 on the successful people symptoms list, “build your willpower muscle.” Mob Boss then. Coaches are kind of like that already. Nick Saban could be Michael Corleone and Tom Thibodeau is definitely Tony Soprano. John Calipari and Rick Pitino are factually (probably) frontmen for the Dixie Mafia. So maybe Bill Self is just a more refined spin on the underground CEO. Maybe he’s Vito Corleone, a man who built his empire on a foundation of favors and kindness so renowned that all inquiries of his methods uncovered was gratitude. And Maybe he’s not. He’s probably not. I’m just trying to please that silly narrative palette I just mentioned.

Bill Self is extraordinary. You’re familiar with this fact. It’s the most frustrating thing about him because you can’t figure out why he’s so extraordinary. And maybe we’ve discarded the importance of what we already know. Bill Self is extraordinary, and whether its mob bosses or serial killers, the best are never caught.

A Gameday Portrait – Kansas Freshman Andrew Wiggins

He plays like the original Iron Man. Conceptually invincible in the imaginations of the uninformed, he is a marvel of engineering, a perfect avatar for his purpose with rocket blasters in his shoes. The only possible weakness could be the pilot. And then the internet dissects everything, and high school homicide spin moves are as outdated as roller-skate tech. Take away the elite athleticism and who is Andrew Wiggins? Not a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. He’s overrated and overhyped, a mental drifter with a weak handle and a jumpshot as reliable as Hammer tech. Andrew Wiggins was the future, but that was three months ago.

The internet makes everything look outdated quickly, even its own declarations.

It’s so easy to scoff at the non innovative application of a resource, and then the resource itself goes unappreciated. The arc reactor is a publicity stunt until it’s Iron Man. Iron Man is just armor until it’s Extremis. That original message that “I am Iron Man” was inaccurate and “I am becoming Iron Man” is perfect. No story is ever Tony Stark versus the villain. The villains are merely impetus for evolution. And now the resource is appreciated. It’s always been a story of evolution, embryogenesis of the cybernetic organism’s singularity. Tony Stark was a human, but that was years ago.

Maybe cyborgs would be more patient with an embryonic narrative. Is he the leading scorer and top perimeter defender of a national title contender? Is he an underachiever? Pundits thrust prematurely for an ultimately unsatisfying climax. The scrutiny of the masses would make Ayn Rand shutter. Because the real question that every critical member of these scrutinizing masses is really daring you to ask is simple and cold and straight from Iron Man 2. Does the pilot deserve to have Andrew Wiggins’ body?