It’s a tale as old as time, errr as old as American Football; the Quarterback gets the girl. But then you think, does he get the girl JUST because he’s the quarterback? Is she interested in him solely based on his football position (be it high school, college or professional)? Then it leads to another thought; If NFL QBs were stripped of their professional title and say given a mid-level position like “I work in finance” or “I’m a sales account manager at a Top 50 tech company” how would they fair with the ladies? And of course, in true sports analogous fashion, how then would these now “average” men compare to each other whilst trying to seduce the fairer sex at your “average” bar/night club.
First off, this about picking a girl up in a bar, meaning that the girl only has to commit to a next step, which can range from exchanging phone numbers to leaving the bar together for food, dancing, or even drinks at another bar. QB1 does not need to hit pay dirt to have “picked up” the bar girl. In terms Alex Smith could understand, this is more about completions than touchdowns.
Secondly, we’re ignoring current relationships and marriages because leaving out certain married quarterbacks would really let some air out of these power rankings. We’d really rather let fans of every quarterback have a fair chance of winning.
Third, as mentioned, the woman at the bar is assumed to have no prior knowledge of any of the QB1s. This is important when you consider alleged rapists like Big Ben and alleged QB2s like Colin Kaepernick. For argument’s sake, they’re professional contemporaries with their fellow patrons, just like most of us are. Besides, it’s a bar pickup. They could be anything. I wouldn’t put it past Jay Cutler to tell girls he’s a bodybuilder, and when they look at him suspiciously he just takes a drag from his cigarette and with complete apathy says, “Google me.”
Fourth, it’s a standard, run-of-the-mill bar. A few taps, poor wine selection, makeshift dining-turns-dancefloor situation, and a good racial diversity. No one has home field advantage here. It’s like the bar version of a London game.
Finally, the POWER RANKING criterion has been set to the five areas below, each a factor that can pick up a girl when used properly. Tommy and I have independently judged, then averaged each one on a scale of 1-10 (ie. Sam Bradford I think his looks are a 6, and Tommy lambasted him with a 1, so his looks rating is a 3.5). The aggregate of the five categories is your ranking, making for a highest possible score of 50:
- Looks – Basically it’s the shape and look of everything on your head. Not the strongest category for Eli.
- Physique – Height, build, conditioning. I like to refer to this as “The Brady Quinn Memorial” category.
- Fashion – This can offset a strong physique rating. Also, we’re looking at modern day attire. Peyton Manning is 39 years old. We can’t judge him for what he was wearing when Willenium dropped.
- Perceived personality – You could also call this the “brand management” category. When picking up a girl at a bar, you’re trying to present some “best” version of yourself because you know you’re being judged in a pressurized situation. It’s a lot like getting interviewed on national TV about your professional performance. Cam Newton is brash. Tyrod Taylor couldn’t swing brash, so he’s a persistent worker. Brian Hoyer’s brand is, “Brian Hoyer…C’mon, you’ve heard of me. I’m Brian Hoyer…No, Buh-rian, with a ‘B’…You know, forget it.”
- Confidence – The ultimate trump card. The “there’s something about this guy that I won’t regret finding out” swagger. Aaron Rodgers has it. Kirk Cousins is trying like hell to have it, and Joe Flacco doesn’t give 120.6 million craps whether he has it or not.
Tommy will be breaking down our NFC quaterbacks, and Dusty “Yours Truly” Riedesel will tackle the AFC. I haven’t discussed it with Tommy, but I’d like the trophy of this thing to be named after Joe Namath.
Game never stopped with that guy…onto the rankings!
32. Jay Cutler, Bears – He’s got the goods. Tall, fit, great head of hair. But Jay Cutler thinks Jay Cutler has confidence in Jay Cutler, while everyone else just sees a guy that peaked in college. False bravado doesn’t bode well in a crowded bar environment. His best play is to hang out in the smoker-section, bumming cigarettes, sipping his vodka redbulls and picking up on the ladies who are still trying to party like they did in college…or maybe they still are in college.
31. Nick Foles, Rams– “Hey you look like Napoleon Dynamite!” “Hey you look like Donald Trump’s son!” “Hey you look like Mitt Romney’s son!” None of these are compliments. EAT YOUR FOOD TINA!
30. Eli Manning, Giants – At first look he’s certainly not getting a second look from the ladies. Not to mention if he’s at the bar with his much more charismatic, slightly better looking, taller older brother. But its just something about this doofy-looking, moderately confident guy. He’ll definitely throw out some hail mary’s around 1:45AM and walk away with some surprising phone numbers…or more.
29. Sam Bradford, Eagles – Really no redeeming qualities here. Not a good looking guy. Not in the greatest shape. Probably wearing matching sweats to the bar. Really not sure why he gets paid so much money to be so average at his job. In the words of Parks and Rec character Mona-Lisa Saperstein, “HARD PASS.”
28. Joe Flacco, Ravens – Now here’s a guy, who is just a guy, you know? Is he a fun guy? A smart guy? A cool guy? Maybe he’s a crazy guy. Nope. He’s just a guy. You might think to yourself, well, maybe he want so be some kind of guy. You can think that, but you’d be wrong. He doesn’t think about anything. He is just a guy.
27. Matthew Stafford, Lions – Rule #1 of beard growth: if you can’t round out the beard with the connecting mustache, then you have a chin strap. Chin straps are the cheapest form of birth control that money can’t buy. Combine that with over-confidence and you have a bro who’s definitely CRUSHING Bud heavies at the shuffleboard and getting put in an Uber by his fraternity brothers.
26. Ryan Fitzpatrick, Jets – He went to Harvard. But without NFL media reminding you of that every time he plays, we don’t know if he’d be the cool “I had no idea you went to Harvard” type like Tommy Lee Jones. Or the “What’s for lunch today?…Sandwiches? I used to eat sandwiches at Harvard at least once a week” type. Probably the first kind. But his beard is about 3 centuries out of style, and he’s truly afraid of shirt collars.
25. Ben Roethlisberger, Steelers – ROLL OUT THE BARREL!!! HEYO! I’ll bet it’s a great time to go mucking around the bars with Big Ben. It’s a great time until that 27th beer and he starts talking about how Bill Cosby’s career is now under appreciated…He’s tall. No taking that away from him, but going the “Body by InBev” route is probably a mistake.
24. Jameis Winston, Bucs – Neck up, not a bad looking dude. He rocks a sweet 90’s fade that just works. Neck down, the definition of skinny-fat. Sure he’s tall, but those baggy sweats aren’t fooling anyone. Confident but not the best speaker. If you’re a sucker for snow crab legs, he’s your guy. FHRITP.
23. Johnny Manziel, Browns – Is it okay to talk about Johnny and bars? Feels dicey….He looks like Harry Potter got on some PEDs and he acts like he’s part of the WWE (not a bad 2nd career plan for Mr. Football). He’s pretty low here in the Pickup Power Rankings, but I hope he doesn’t get shut down because, well, let’s just make sure the bouncer’s staying warm.
22. Derek Carr, Raiders – I only have one problem with Ol’ Raccoon Eyes, and it’s not the constant guyliner he was born with. It’s that he insists on doing that single-length buzzcut and then lets it grow out to the tennis ball stage for weeks at a time. His only shot in the bar is if it’s right across the street from his Great Clips appointment.
#21-#11 coming on Wednesday…SPOILER ALERT: Blake Bortles is there, so maybe just wait until we get to the top ten after Thanksgiving.
My great grandpa invented Saran wrap,
Dusty “Unemployed” Riedesel